Kind of a mess

[Bret]

Hi. I've been friends with a girl for a year or two. After we first met she used to hover over me and playfully punch me and things like that, but I wasn't interested at the time and it gradually stopped. Over time I've grown to like her more and more, which wasn't a continuous proces, it was a step by step thing. Anyways I've become very attracted to her, but the problem is that she has hurt me a bunch of times when I was warming up to her, mostly at parties: telling me to shut up because some random dweeb was talking to her, or leaving me mid-conversation because she's spotted a "hottie". Situations like that, after which I tell myself to forget about her, which works and I might date someone else for a while, but at some point I drift back. The biggest issue for me is that she had an obvious thing for a mutual friend for a while. He's gross and has said some awful things about her behind her back. I kind of resent her for liking him, but at the same time it's extremely hypocritical of me because when we first met I was actually interested in a friend of hers, who also became a mutual friend. I feel like a dick for feeling the way I do, being hurt by, and holding on to little incidents like that and resenting her for liking someone (out of jealousy no doubt), but it's the way it is. She's had a few boyfriends in the meantime, I was also dating someone else at the time and I didn't have any problems with her liking those guys. I feel like we are these parallel lines and whenever one moves closer to the other, the other moves away. We've both been single for a while now and recently the playful punches and touching have started up again. Even though I'm very attracted to her like I said, I feel as though it's better to just ignore it and stay friends, because this seems like an awful place to start any kind of relationship from. Thoughts?

Edited June 20, 2014 by Bret

[preraph]

Wellllll, it's time to clear the air. Don't do it by critiquing her dating a mutual friend who is a jerk or anything to do with who she's dating. Keep all names completely out of the conversation. Take her out someplace you can have some uninterrupted privacy. Turn off your smartphones. Tell her something like, "I've been feeling like we need to clear the air lately." Tell her how you have grown to like her a lot after getting to know her. Presumably she has grown to like you too or she'd have cleared out by now, but you never know. Sometimes a woman does get used to thinking of a man as a brother, even an ex-crush. I know I did. That's what clearing the air is for though. So tell her that now that you know her and like her a lot, you feel like such a dick for a lot of the things you did and said before. See what she has to say. If she's stumped or clogs up or whatever, keep going. Say, I know at one time you liked me enough to go out with me. Do you still feel that way or did I miss my chance?

 

Just be honest, but don't start in with the other guys and how she is at parties, etc. because then she didn't want you to spoil her meeting guys and YOU weren't interested, to her knowledge. If she says she might like you like that, then immediately ask her for a weekend real date and say, Okay, then let's go on a real date Saturday-- or something. Good luck. This could work.