confucuse Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Hi! So I met this girl in real life that I met online.. She's very smart replies really quickly to my messages and doesn't seem to play games, she's just normal and easy on the eyes Usually I would wait longer before asking a girl to meet up (1 - 2 months) but I could tell with this one I could move a bit faster, we talked for 2 weeks and met up. Before we met, She was the one who first threw the sexual innuendo in our online chats and we talked about sex a fair bit but not constantly. Anyway we decided to meet up and that we would have sex after going out during the day so We went to the movies and she let my hands roam Anyway fast forward.. We,re making out on the bed and she asks if I had a condom, **** I left them in my car so I went to grab one and we start making out, she was letting me take the lead when suddenly (no clothes off yet) she tells me that she doesn't feel up to having sex. She said it wasn't personal against me but that when I left for a moment it hit her that she couldn't Believe what she was doing.. She looked like she was about to cry and I said if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it, simple as that and that it's ok and hugged her for a bit. We talked instead, I said I wasn't after a relationship she wasn't either. She also said she wasn't very experienced (she told me before we met as well) and that it didn't mean I'd never get anything from her. she said this a couple more times in the hour as we sat on her bed talking and adding after that, that I probably would get something from her.. She also said that she wasn't the she was acting, but what she doesn't know is I had a fair idea of what she was like already.. As I was leaving she was so thankful I didn't push her and respected her (I could tell she still felt bad) and how I was much more likely to get something from her than someone who would push or treat her like an object.. And that she was all for casual sex but just not ready.. Since then (just texting) she has never mentioned anything sexual (but still showed me her new lingerie) and my occasional sexual jokes are mostly ignored but not always, but there is a definite change but she's still interested in me and puts effort in and talks about cuddles sometimes.. My question is.. Did I handle it right? I worry I was too nice. can I take what she said at face value? Or am I being strung along? Have I been a man about this or a nice guy that girls aren't attracted to? Where do I go from here? This isn't about her necessarily It's more for myself and how to handle this with her or other women if this comes up again.. I see this girl as a friend I'm attracted to sexually Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Honestly, there's no such thing as "too nice". You behave within your own morals and values, period. I don't think someone who tells you she's not interested in anything besides casual friendship and sex could possibly be stringing you along. There is no "man" behavior to this, again, you behaved as you saw fit. I think the bigger issue is do you really want to be sitting around cuddling someone when you could be out meeting people who do fulfill your needs? It's never wrong to be honest about what you want, what's wrong is saying cuddling is fine if you really want to be sleeping with her. This isn't gameplay stuff. Be yourself, don't let her waste your time. Don't waste hers. Be honest. Expect honesty from her. Don't value her more than she values you. Basic stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 I think you may have stumbled into a Catch-22....She may have SAID that she wasn't looking for a relationship, but your respect & kindness may very well have caused her to rethink things. If you truly don't want a relationship, get out NOW before things get messy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 You handled it just fine. It sounds like she could be sexually inexperienced as she said and felt uncomfortable. Don't take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confucuse Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Thanks to everyone for the good posts Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 You definitely did the right thing. She might have thought previously to meeting that she was ready and this was something she wanted..but when faced with the reality, realized she wasn't ready. That's why she's being more careful about sexual innuendo, she doesn't want to lead you on. She's being respectful of you because you were so clearly respectful of her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 You were fine. You seem like a nice guy. She seems like a mess. If a woman starts off with the sexual innuendos, says she's up for NSA, lets things go as far as they did here then announces she's not up for it, she is asking for trouble. The wrong guy would not have taken No for an answer in that situation. I fear for her safety. Which ever way this goes, you will be in for a dramatic ride. She may be inexperienced & unsure. She's pushing the boundaries because she's trying to learn about herself & thinks that having sex without feelings will make her more worldly. She may be a slut (until you know otherwise, at least protect your own health & safety) She may simply enjoy sex & have an itch you can scratch. She may be using sex as a weapon / control mechanism. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confucuse Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 I think she's just inexperienced. Her parents were very strict and didn't let her date in her teens, I can understand how she thinks being brought up in a Christian family. Yes I do see myself as a nice guy. I have been getting help this year for my own insecurities and becoming a leader rather than a door mat, so I have had my share of super insecure girls- insecure guys attract / are usually the only ones that put up with the drama associated with very insecure girls. I believe nice guys can get the girls but only if their secure and aren't door mats, I feel I'm at the stage where I'm able to get secure girls. This girl doesn't seem super insecure, I can take hours to reply to texts and sometimes don't reply at all, 99% of the time she'll wait for me to text her, but often when I end text convos she tries to ask more questions but I still end the convo. The only thing that has indicated insecurity is the fact she told me she wasn't very experienced a few times and when we were chatting on her bed she (sounding worried) asked if she was an ok kisser (we were agreeing that **** kissers are a deal breaker) and she doesn't seem like a slut and the sexual innuendo didn't start straight away when we were talking online. She told me no condom no sex quite firmly. I have a feelingI'll get her sometime, she seemed nervous and didn't really seem to know what to do when we were making out, I think she just needs a few drinks. My main reason for posting was because I was concerned she was using sex as a weapon perhaps so I'll just continue to not care about sex and make her work for it.. I'm a pretty straight forward kind of guy and just feel like asking here where she's at and just reinforce that it's ok to not be ready and she doesn't have to worry, or does that get me well on my way into the friend zone with no sex? Tbh I admired her courage for her to say no, and I certainly feel a lot more respect towards her because of this. Thanks Again, I appreciate the honesty here Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 She seems like a mess. If a woman starts off with the sexual innuendos, says she's up for NSA, lets things go as far as they did here then announces she's not up for it, she is asking for trouble. You read that right, ladies and gentlemen: if you say you want sex, then change your mind, you're basically asking for people to rape you! It's your own fault! The wrong guy would not have taken No for an answer in that situation. I fear for her safety. Because men are totally allowed to get violent and angry when someone (especially someone who is OBVIOUSLY young and inexperienced) has mixed feelings about sex! She may be inexperienced & unsure. She's pushing the boundaries because she's trying to learn about herself & thinks that having sex without feelings will make her more worldly. When I read this I thought "huh, maybe this guy isn't such a complete dick after all." She may be a slut (until you know otherwise, at least protect your own health & safety) Then I read this. She may be using sex as a weapon / control mechanism. Right, because you know who's in control here? The poor girl who's just trying to figure herself out and realizing that actually having sex can be scarier than just talking about it. The OP was completely in the right and handled everything very well. This is not about some kind of magic complicated mind game, this is about a young woman who is figuring things out. The vast majority of us made it through those years doing silly **** like this and didn't get raped because most young men are decent like the OP. We all do dumb **** before we're grown up. Suggesting that this girl is "asking for trouble" and calling her a slut is a horrible thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 chimpanA-2-chimpanZ I think you over-read my post. Nobody asks to be raped. However, walking naked into a bar, lying down on a pool table & saying have at it boys, then saying no I changed my mind is not being safe or intelligent. Yes, women can change their minds. However the girl is this post . . . there's something lost & desperate about her. Without more info, I'm scared for her. I was almost date raped in college so I'm super sensitive to the subject & know 1st hand how easily a seemingly benign interaction can turn scary. I met a guy at a party. We had both been drinking. We flirted & kissed. When the party broke up he asked me to breakfast. I was happy; he was cute. On the way to the diner he said he didn't have any money because his wallet was at his house, which was on the way. OK fine, we can stop off. We started making out, which I was still fine with. He pushed me onto his bed, . . .OK I'm not thrilled but I'm not scared yet either. When he started to touch me through my clothes, I said no I tried to push him off. That didn't work. He outweighed me by 100 pounds. It escalated with me saying "no" to "get the F&^$ off me you *********!" & him continuing to ignore me. I was practically screaming not doing who giggling half hearted no which can be misinterpreted as "talk me into it." It was only through my quick wits that I was finally able to get out of there. This girl is not making safe choices. All I told the OP was to consider all of the possibilities until he knows the truth about this woman. While I agree that the girl in his story is trying to figure herself out, she's going about it in a dangerous way. For anybody to go into any situation -- sexual or not -- without some thought to the possible outcomes -- good & bad -- is simply bad planning. Link to post Share on other sites
Smarty Pants Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 If she was saying those things to a ton of different guys, yeah then she probably would be making some bad choices. But, she saw that the OP was a good guy and surely knew and trusted that he wasn't going to rape her. Not sure why rape was even brought up. OP - people say things in the heat of the moment and can go back on them. I used to have these conversations with many girls. Some I slept with, some I didn't. Sometimes it was me changing my mind. It's not a big deal and don't worry about it too much. You didn't handle it wrong at all. Better to be understand than to get butt hurt and storm out causing her to think you're a dick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confucuse Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Just like walking alone at night in a violent neighbourhood is dangerous I agree a girl puts herself in a dangerous situation if she offers sex and then pulls out at the very last second. I have a right to walk on whatever street I want at night and a girl has every right to change her mind about sex, even at the last second it's only dangerous because there are bad people out there. In a perfect world we could do anything without fearing for our safety from people who might do scarring things to us. As for this particular girl, I am convinced she's just wanting to push the boundaries and explore. Since the time she said no I've seen obvious changes in her which indicate that she's reconsidered the path she wants to go down, she learnt something about herself that day and she's definitely not stupid. I will talk to her soon and find out where she's at because I have a feeling she might still feel guilty or confused, this isn't about me trying to get in her pants I just want to assure her it's ok to say no and that I'm ok if she doesn't want sex I'm not just hanging around for that, she's an intelligent girl who has a lot more to offer. I raised my original question because I know I can be too nice sometimes and am working hard to change that, I've enjoyed reading all your responses Link to post Share on other sites
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