Convinced now that everything I did for my X was for nothing...

[caer]

More than likely, I'm posting this because at this moment I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. Go figure, but I guess everyone is entitled from time to time to do so. I went over this evening to take my son to a local flea-market. When I arrived, I did as I always do. I honk the horn to announce my arrival to him, only because I fear even after 7 months that it would be too hard to stand at the door that leads into my old house and not be able to walk right in without knocking like some stranger.

 

Anyway, what I saw through the sliding glass door is what has me feeling this way. I noticed that right in front of the sliding glass door were Valentines balloons and flowers and a big teddy bear. Now I know that some of you may say," hey man,it's been 7 months...get the divorce and move on.." Well, in my state I wish you could but you can't. You have to be legally seperated a year before you can get divorced. Either way, I did'nt say anything to her or to my son about it, but apparently my son picked up on my change in attitude, though I gave it my best shot to hide it. If it's one thing, I do everything in my power to keep him as sheltered from all of the stuff between my X and I as I can. I don't want him growing into an adult who blames all of his problems on the fact that he came from a broken home, who's father/mother never loved him. To those that it's happened to, I apologize. I just don't want it for him.

 

If any of you have read some of my other posts,you would know the circumstances for my seperation from my wife, so I'm not going to get into it again. We never fought. I never resented her, and for the most part, I believe we had a loving marriage, until the hysterectomy.

 

I know in my heart of hearts that she has every right to see who she wants to see. And if she's happy doing it, then who am I to say otherwise.

I,on the other hand am not ready to head down that road. I hope that someday I can feel for another, what I felt with her. I'm just not sure if I could ever trust someone so completely again. I trusted my X with every ounce of my soul for 11 years, only to have it all thrown in my face, out of the clear blue, like it was never good enough.

 

I apologize again for this being nothing more than a poor me post, but I felt the need to vent and standing here screaming at the walls wasn't cutting it.

 

Oh, and for those who wonder, " how does he know the stuff wasn't for his son, or wasn't from one of her friends?"

Well, that's the problem, I didn't have to wonder long enough... when my son asked me if I was upset because I had seen the Valentines stuff for mom... from her "FRIEND" through the window.

Kind of makes you wonder if it was set up that way ....huh?

[Devildog]

caer, yeah, it does sound like a set up to me. Pretty crappy of your X too. The trust issues?, Check out the hear ya knockin but ya can't come in thread on this board. Bunch of us with the same question. No answers so far though. But look it over and add to it if you wish. it has been a huge help for a number of us here.

[digger]

Pretty crappy Caer-I havent had it happen to me exactly like that. Maybe worse--I imagine what is happening tho I dont see it. I, too, am afraid to go to the door. I went to get my things and made darn sure i did it while she was at work. I knew Id get into a pleading mode if i went when she was home.

I really think it gets hardrer before it gets harder before it gets better. Im in a relapse mode. I dreamnt last night when just 4 short years ago we moved to Alabama and went house hunting and we simultaneously both knew at once we had found the 'one'. We had always thot alike. People even said we kind of looked alike. Now shes a woman i NEVER knew. EVER. The girl who would never harm a fly has caused so much grief and pain. I know I hurt her on more than 1 occasion. If she is any way trying to 'get me back" she has succeeded and now the score is lopsided. Its a *****, isnt it?

[Ladyjane14]

Good vent Caer! Hopefully by next Valentine's Day, you'll be enjoying the good life....and things like that won't be hurtful anymore.

 

It takes time, but you'll get there.

[Mz. Pixie]

We all get on our pity pot!!! Trust me, I've been there this week!

 

The thing that got me is why do that??? I got flowers, candy and a stuffed animal from my bf this week but I have my kids. I didn't take any of it home and I won't until my kids are gone for the week. I wanted to of course, but I knew my kids would have questions and WHY WOULD I PUT THEM THROUGH THAT??

 

That's selfish of her, plain and simple.

 

Why do people forget their little people when they get into situations like that??

 

Let me tell you something else- I haven't brought bf around my kids either, nor have they ever heard his name come out of my mouth. I don't feel it's appropriate until the divorce is final and i think they are ready. And, no offense to anyone whose done otherwise- he will NEVER spend the night at my house when they are there. I will also never move in with him when I share custody of them 50/50. If I ever move to his house it will be because we're married.

 

I want to set what I feel is the proper example at least- bad enough that we're divorcing.....

[caer]

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I hope one day to be able to return the favor.

 

And a big Thank You to Devildog. I wish I had read that "Hear Ya' Knockin" thread before I had posted. I sat and read just about all the posts on there and was amazed at how much better I felt afterwards. With all the stories that seem to be so similarly linked, it makes you wonder if our spouses were all born of some pre-disposed gene to rip and shred every heart that they come into contact with. I know I was laughing before I even got through the first page at what some of you all were saying.

[tanbark813]

I agree that it sounds like the stuff was put by the window on purpose. I don't know if this will make you feel better, but she wouldn't go to the effort of doing that if she didn't feel like she needed to get the emotional upper hand. You're in her head on some level.

[caer]

Originally posted by tanbark813

I agree that it sounds like the stuff was put by the window on purpose. I don't know if this will make you feel better, but she wouldn't go to the effort of doing that if she didn't feel like she needed to get the emotional upper hand. You're in her head on some level.

 

 

Hmm....in her head huh....

 

Maybe I should start diggin' around, find out all the dirty little secrets.......NAAaaah!

[MassiveAtom]

CAer,

 

Welcome to the club bro. I feel the same way. Even though I am slowly pushing past the deep bond I felt for my ex, it's still a matter of time and effort for me to really fell safe enough in myself to ACTUALLY date! The romantic engine is just dead. Won't turn over.

 

MY ex is already dating, using wedding and aniversary photos on Match.com and everything. It really sucks. Still hurts. and really kind ticks me off. Hmmm, I guess that's good, it used to reduce me to a lump of mush. and NO you guys I don't still look at the profile every day.

 

I think we all need to take the time we need. Do like Yikes, get the parameters of your life squared away and live within them for wahile until you're comfortable.

 

I'm working through that now myself.

 

It's good to talk to male friends too.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Do like Yikes, get the parameters of your life squared away and live within them for wahile until you're comfortable.

 

Thanks MA, I don't pretend to have all of the answers by any stretch of the imagination. I know what felt right for me. I know what I felt was best for my kids.

I have also picked up bits and pieces that seem to make sense to me from others in these forums. I'm not fully healed by any means (if in fact, you EVER fully heal), but generally I'm pretty content with my life and feel a little better with each passing day. I still stuggle with "putting myself out there", letting someone close again and trusting but I plan on slaying those dragons as well... it's a process and it takes time.

 

MA, you have come miles in just the last few weeks alone!

 

Y

[Mz. Pixie]

MA- let's post a fake profile on Match.com and jerk her around a bit????

 

Wouldn't that be grand fun??

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

MA- let's post a fake profile on Match.com and jerk her around a bit????

 

Wouldn't that be grand fun??

Oh Mz. Pixie, you are so bad!! I love it!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

MA- let's post a fake profile on Match.com and jerk her around a bit????

 

Wouldn't that be grand fun??

 

Sounds like a great Idea, pix.

 

But you know, what would that get me? I'd be hurting someone. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Never wanted to hurt her. I only want her to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted for her.

 

Yeah, even if it means she's happy without me.

 

I'm finding it easier and easier to be me. I'm jumping head first back into my compositions, playing guitar more than ever, taking time to enjoy playing video games, sending mail to my daughters, and building a new life for me, now.

Yeah, sometimes I do wish we were all together,. But then I think this is the person who thought that ripping my heart out and destroying our family was "the best thing for everyone." Who says that?

 

I actually hope she gets what she wants, a cold, empty detached marriage that leaves her questioning what the f*** is the point.

 

It's just like caer is saying about just feeliing sorry for myself sometimes. Caer, it's perfectly normal to feel that way, embrace it.

Are you in therapy caer,? If not man, you would be wise to go.

 

It's been 8 weeks for me. I only hope that after 7 months I can hold my head up again. I hope you can too, very soon.

 

Again, it always helps to talk.

 

MA

[Mz. Pixie]

I just thought it would be fun to suggest it- cmon you know you smiled when you read that!

 

Through this whole thing I've told myself I wouldn't stoop to his level- that I would do exactly what I said I would do and I have. He is the one who hasn't kept his word.

 

I guess at the end I'll still have part of my integrity intact............

[Yikes]

Like I keep saying... "Gotta find the humor".

 

If you can't you go crazy.

[MassiveAtom]

yeah, I did smile when I read it. .

 

Only because I knew...

 

I had already done it before I resigned my account!

 

But still it made me a little sad.

 

Just being honest. Hope you guys understand.

[Mz. Pixie]

MA- you crazy man you!

 

Of course, I understand- I would have done the same thing!

[caer]

Sorry it took me a couple days to reply to everyone. My job had me out of town for a couple days longer than normal.

 

I just wanted to thank everyone again for your kind words and support, and I know I made the right move joining this forum. Reading everyones stories, and knowing that there are others out there as well that have the same feelings that I do, gives me comfort in the midst of this storm that we're sailing through.

 

Oh, and MA..... No, I'm not in counseling. I've found more solice here, than I ever would have talking to one of the local therapists around here where I live.

I went to see one a couple years ago when I was having a tough time dealing with the loss of my father and to be honest, I had better results talking to a brick wall than I did with him. So you can kind of say I've lost faith in that system...