How to Accept Being Alone Forever

[ZipperZapper]

I've decided to give up looking for a partner permanently.

 

There's just too much rejection and too little reward to make it worth continuing the pursuit. I'm quite convinced that women find me extremely unattractive, and short of getting a face transplant, my chances of ever finding a partner are pretty well non-existent. It seems you pretty well have to have movie-star looks now along with a fat wallet to have any chance at all.

 

Some people just aren't meant to be loved or wanted and I'm one of them.

 

How then, to accept that I will always be alone and unwanted? I've tried focusing my attention elsewhere, but that, along with my never-ending solitude, is getting old. There seems to be no answer, no solution. I will scream if one more person tells me, "There's someone for everyone", or "You'll find love when you stop looking for it." Neither is true.

[todreaminblue]

what do you want me to say what do you want to read, be honest tell me what you think you should hear? I can tell you how to live alone quite successfully ...it wont be everything you might want but i can tell you is that what you want? tell me...let yourself be free with what you want to hear you probably havent doen this before ......it will feel new....but touch your own heart for a minute tell em what your hearts says dont lie and say your resigned or you wouldnt post here in the first place so ...let it out...what do you want.....really...and ill tell you the truth too like a friend would...if its to be alone for the rest of yrou life i can give you some advice....consdiering i was considering becoming a reclusive nun with lovin' lllamas.i know hwo to be alone and could quite easily live alone........deb

[ZipperZapper]

what do you want me to say what do you want to read, be honest tell me what you think you should hear? I can tell you how to live alone quite successfully ...it wont be everything you might want but i can tell you is that what you want? tell me...let yourself be free with what you want to hear you probably havent doen this before ......it will feel new....but touch your own heart for a minute tell em what your hearts says dont lie and say your resigned or you wouldnt post here in the first place so ...let it out...what do you want.....really...and ill tell you the truth too like a friend would...if its to be alone for the rest of yrou life i can give you some advice....consdiering i was considering becoming a reclusive nun with lovin' lllamas.i know hwo to be alone and could quite easily live alone........deb

 

I don't know what I want to hear. I just want to be able to find a way to get rid of this strong desire to find a partner and end the suffering I'm experiencing over knowing I will never be able to find one. Like I said in my original post, focusing on other pursuits isn't working anymore.

 

I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously considering suicide. I've seen a therapist about this, but she was of very little help, and I'm now several hundreds of dollars out of pocket as a result.

[kart180]

Happy to be alone instead of getting drinking alcohol again thanks to my new GF or get a women who has a smoking habit

[D.Mc.]

Nooooo! Just...Noooo! Find another therapist, there are some affordable ones, does your work offer any type of coverage thru insurance? Also, take a break from the "romantic" pursuit & do something for yourself that you really like: something - anything that will focus your energies in another direction for a while. Your situation is just making you feel even worse about yourself, so stop & give yourself a break. I've been on OLD for 6 months now & NO dates: I started to feel really bad about myself, so I stopped checking everyday. I just did something else when I was online (not loveshack posting either ). Just don't let this affect you to the point of self-harm, please. I know what clinical depression feels like & when you're in it, it seems like you'll never feel better, but...YOU WILL. Some days just opening your eyes & getting out of bed is your victory for the day. Also, when you look around you & think that everyone else has something you don't: they might be waaaaay more f**ked up - you just don't know it from the outside appearances. I wish you the best.

[todreaminblue]

I don't know what I want to hear. I just want to be able to find a way to get rid of this strong desire to find a partner and end the suffering I'm experiencing over knowing I will never be able to find one. Like I said in my original post, focusing on other pursuits isn't working anymore.

 

I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously considering suicide. I've seen a therapist about this, but she was of very little help, and I'm now several hundreds of dollars out of pocket as a result.

 

 

 

you aren't ever going to not have that desire in your heart if its there you will feel incomplete......you have to channel it away into something.....if pursuits you have before havent worked you keep looking for ones that might

\

 

 

you get out there and find an interest with and in general the world as this whole expansive place we were given to explore..... with people you have never met,places you have never seen you limit yourself you limit your options......

 

 

 

that isnt a therapists problem to fix it is yours.

 

 

 

it is inevitable you will find people who are similar to you....its impossible not to ....if you live in a bubble no one can get to you...suicidal thoughts are becoming the bubble you are in.....of bubble of hopelessness....

 

 

 

 

break out of that bubble or you wont know what is possible for you, or, you can continue to be a bubble boy who forgot that he actually had the capacity to pop it.......

 

 

 

to live alone when you have a desire to be with someone special.....you just have to keep trying thats its.....you keep going....you keep praying and realize just how small you are in the scheme of things....

 

 

 

 

a bit of sand....if you stop caring do you think life will stop just because you dont care anymore...

 

 

 

 

it will go on and the people you never get to meet will cross the street at exactly the same time only you wont be there to intercept a life.............

 

 

 

 

the kid who feel over and grazed his knee you wont be there to say are you ok....the old lady who couldnt get on the bus and no one else cared to help...

 

 

well you wont be there to care where you might have cared to help.....the woman looking for a jp stops to ask someone for directions....the guy she asked isnt you when it should have been...and that conversation never starts with you where it should have started and she misses her chance at finding a jp and goes home with sore feet....and frustration...instead of ringing your phone number you handed her...........and it goes on....

 

 

 

 

we are small grains of sand but we all are on the beach and you every time someone smiles at you or looks your way or needs your help you affected their day some how and some way......

 

 

 

how do you know what will happen ...you dont. we are not pyschic so whose to know......god does....he aiint sharing..he just wants us to appreciate everything and expect nothing but what we give out...

 

 

 

so give up and never know or get out there and find out by taking notice....a brush of an arm ...a smile....a helping hand given or received notice everything...and then say ....i am one who touches many.......and when you get home thank god for all the blessings you got to see in miniature and be part of.....then wake up the next day and do the same.......and always smile at lllamas............deb

Edited June 21, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Noproblem]

I find reading novels and watching tv series are good substitutes for people..

 

It works for me.

 

But hey, don't get me wrong, I have goals too and the gym is my second home..

 

So yeah, just find something fun and emerge yourself in it.

 

other suggestions are the world of video gaming and Anime and there are clubs for that where you can see people who share the same passion!

[Teraskas]

Other suggestions are the world of video gaming and Anime and there are clubs for that where you can see people who share the same passion!

 

Exactly, I was about to say this as well.

Personally, I prefer the kind of videogames wherein I can lose myself for hours. Preferably games with a strong story such as the Mass Effect series, Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic, Red Dead Redemption, etc.

 

Other than that, I find that writing on a novel also helps take my mind off my single status. But it's up to the OP to find his preference.

[carhill]

I remember asking my mom about this after my dad died when I noted her not dating any men or having a 'social life'. Her answer was 'this is my time' and she lived it to the full and was genuinely happy until developing dementia many years later.

 

Being mid-50's and alone, I understand her perspective better (she was 63 when widowed). It's an exciting time in life.

 

I got bogged down during my reproductive years with all that partner/children desire and think that's pretty normal but reflecting on it has caused me to see it with different eyes. It was what it was. Something to go through to be where I am now.

 

As long as we live and love we're never alone. Try it. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Please do not kill yourself. Finding a good therapist is kind of like finding a partner. Not every therapist will fit with every patient. I thought my first therapist was an idiot.

 

 

As for finding love, it does come when you least expect it but it also has to do with your own view of the world. When you are gloomy it's almost impossible to find somebody because nobody is attracted to depressed energy. It's a bit of a vicious cycle. You can't get somebody because you are depressed but you are depressed because you are alone.

 

 

So 1st things 1st, what makes you happy? Concentrate on those things. Find reasons to like yourself & be content. It was a bit isolating but I self soothed for a while on my own couch, curled up under a blanket in front of a fire with my dog, a good book & a glass of wine. After I licked my wounds for a while I was ready to face the world again.

 

 

Do you do any active things? Are you involved in sports? Do you have a hobby? Can you volunteer somewhere? If you don't you have to find something you want to do because it's important to you, because you have a passion for it. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you enjoy it. Then go full steam. As you get more caught up in that you will get positive feedback which will increase your overall enjoyment of life.

 

 

Then once you reach a happy healthy place it may be easier for you to find love.

 

 

Good luck.

[TheyCallMeOx]

You gotta do your research on therapists because they all have different methods of helping you, and they specialize in different areas. I've been to a couple therapists before, and I thought they were both terrible. They just repeated everything I said. I was thinking...they get paid the big bucks just to repeat what you say in question form? As it may turn out, those therapists probably focused on listening rather than giving their own advice. Sometimes, people just want someone to listen to them while other times...some people just need some guidance.

 

Your main issue is your thoughts of suicide. Even if you could get into a relationship when having thoughts of suicide, I did, doesn't mean you should. A woman may be the best thing for having thoughts of suicide, but what's going to happen if she decides to leave you? That **** sucks. Believe me. I've been through it. I thought my ex was an angel sent down from Heaven, saved me from ending my life, and she ended it after 2.5 years. Had I have known she was going to break my heart, I would've taken care of my life before her. Went through months of the toughest emotional **** I've ever been in because of my dependency on her. You gotta take care of yourself, or else it's gonna come back to haunt you. If you don't take care of yourself first, you're gonna end up feeling worse than you do now. I guarantee it. Once you fix yourself, being single is easier to deal with which is unfortunate because women will notice your positivity and be more likely to be open to your pursuit. So if you want to be single for the rest of your life, fix yourself. Learn to love yourself and realize that the only love you need is the love of yourself. However, if you want to get into a relationship, you have to fix yourself.

[Glinda.Good]

I don't think that a person should give up on anything important to them in this life.

 

At the same time, I don't think that a person should pin all their hopes and dreams on getting a particular desire met.

 

I'm sure your life has a lot of meaning and value, please find out how to love it.

[Disillusioned]

If I was in the OP's situation (and I once was), I'd sit down with a pencil and paper and write out a list of what I'm looking for in a relationship, then start looking up meetup groups ASAP.

 

BTW it kind of bugs me the way some of you suggest therapy as the automatic answer to every issue... as an out-of-the-closet asexual who knows what he likes, I know from experience that therapists can't solve every little problem for you. YOU need to figure out what your hangups are and start working on them yourself.

[KathyM]

I would suggest not giving up on your goals to find someone, and instead finding out why you have been unsuccessful with women. There are plenty of men who are not good looking who are with women, so there could be some other factor which is holding you back. I would suggest finding out how you can turn things around (which you would probably need a therapist or dating coach in order to do).

[Disillusioned]

In my case, the biggest barrier to meeting women has been being shackled to a dead-end job which affords me no opportunities to interact with people outside the company. Nightlife is out of the question, because I've tried it and there aren't any quality people in that scene.

[KathyM]

In my case, the biggest barrier to meeting women has been being shackled to a dead-end job which affords me no opportunities to interact with people outside the company. Nightlife is out of the question, because I've tried it and there aren't any quality people in that scene.

Then get involved in things that will bring you into contact with people. Meetup groups, interest groups, volunteer organizations, etc., etc. There are plenty of things you could be getting involved with or attending that would have quality people there to meet.

[CrystalCastles]

I strongly disagree with what you wrote, OP, about men needing movie star looks and a fat wallet to get a woman.

 

I was alone for my whole 21 years of existence. In the last few years, I made romance my goal, I constantly worried about how alone I am and got involved with guys who didn't treat me well. Eventually I realized that I wasn't happy because I was living my life for the purpose of getting a guy. What kind of life is that?

 

So I worked on myself, did hobbies, worked out and accepted that maybe there isn't anyone out there who is right for me.

 

Lo and behold, I met a wonderful man recently. He's beautiful, but he isn't a hunky giant nor does he have a fat wallet. He's a masters student, living on the poverty line because his grants and scholarships barely cover basic needs. But I don't care because he's amazing and I love spending time with him. I found him when I stopped thinking about how alone and unhappy I am. Because I'm not.

 

There are so many opportunities at your disposal to live a happy life. You need to learn to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

[hotpotato]

ZZ, you sound very disheartened. Maybe taking a break will help. You can resume your search for love when you feel better. No need to give up permanently.

[ZipperZapper]

I disagree with most of the advice here. Therapy is mostly BS and more times than not, the therapists themselves don't even have their lives together.

 

Also, just letting it happen works for women. It doesn't work for men. So, again, bad advice.

 

OP, there will not be anyone for you unless you conform to society somewhat and become an attractive guy.

 

Thank you for being so honest.

 

Our society lies all the time about who can get a partner. It's really sick. It tells people that even if they are realistically ugly, they can still get a partner if they just improve themselves somehow, work out and do other things that, quite mysteriously, will somehow make them more attractive.

 

The problem here for unattractive men is that studies show that women take about three seconds to decide whether they want to interact with a man or not. Generally this means that to make the cut, you have to be instantly attractive, and that usually means good-looking and tall. You could easily run a social psychology experiment on perceived attractiveness and present my photo to 100 women and find that all will reject me. Like I said in my original post, short of major plastic surgery or an outright transplant, there is nothing I can do to fix my face so it becomes more appealing. Saying I just need more confidence is BS. Again, if people can't get past my looks, it won't matter how much confidence I've got.

 

The other problem with the 'improve yourself and love will magically find you' mantra is that it is based on magical thinking, and ignores the fact that not everyone has the tools or ability to make themselves more appealing. Worse, the message hidden underneath the 'improve yourself' argument is, 'You're not good enough as you are'. At the same time, people are exhorted to just 'be yourself'. There's a real, and gaping disconnect there.

 

And then, to top it all off, people in my situation are criticized for complaining about how shallow and dysfunctional our system of dating and relating to one another is.

 

It's like there's a dividing line between people who meet conventional standards of attractiveness, and those who don't. Those who don't, don't get partners. I honestly believe that dating and finding partners is a lot easier for women. The way it was once explained to me once is that a lot of times, men have to take what they can get, but women rarely have to worry about this. Women generally have all the options, and I daresay that any woman who can't find a partner is either excessively picky or not working hard enough to find one, and unrealistically expecting that men do all the work in developing and maintaining a relationship.

 

The therapist I saw was young and engaged, and fairly attractive. I would bet my last dollar that she probably has never experienced any meaningful rejection in her life and so didn't know how to help me other than to pull out the standard canards. And then try to boost my self-esteem by lying to me and telling me that I looked like a fairly regular guy.

 

So please answer the following:

 

- What do you look like? (if possible, name an actor that you get compared to)

Probably something like James Gandolfini or Jason Alexander.

- How tall are you?

5'7" (170cm)

- What weight are you?

235lb (115kg). Haven't been able to lose much weight even with diet and exercise. As to age, I'm 51, and not trying to meet much younger women.

 

- Are you introverted or extroverted?

Introverted.

 

- How many approaches do you make in any given month?

Usually zero, since my current situation doesn't let me get close enough to women to ask them out. Hitting on waitresses and sales girls is an enterprise that's doomed to failure, anyway. Most of the time I find women are unapproachable; they never/rarely send out any signals of interest.

 

I belong to a meetup group, but it has devolved into a group where a small core of regulars attend get-togethers, and I've asked out the few prospects I've found interesting only to get maybe one date, and nothing further. A lot of the meetups in my area are poorly attended by women, and quite frankly, a lot of women in my town seem to be paranoid about men. One meetup group organizer even went to the extent of trying to forbid men from asking out women from the group, just because one woman in the group complained about men hitting on her.

 

- Do you live in a big city. small city, farm area, etc?

Medium-sized city that happens to be very conservative and very cliquish, socially closed off to all but a tiny in-crowd. I have no friends and can't seem to find any, and on the few occasions when I did have friends in the past, none offered to introduce me to anyone.

 

- Do you have a career/make money?

I have a half-decent government job.

 

- Do you have a lot of experience with women?

Not a tremendous amount. I've had a couple of short-term relationships with women who were train-wrecks (alcohol, gambling problems) as these were the only ones who would accept me. I was married once, met my wife online, but the marriage lasted only 2.5 years. To this day, considering the lack of success I've had with women in my lifetime, I still think my marriage was a fluke. Edited June 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal information/image redacted

[clia]

As others have mentioned above (and in your previous threads), you can start by losing weight, shaving your head completely, and getting more stylish clothes. Your glasses frames are just okay; you might also explore getting some trendier frames. If you don't know where to start with attire, many department stores offer personal stylist services for free. Start there.

 

The most important thing you can do, though, is to lose weight. I'm not saying you have to be six pack ab guy. It's normal for men in their 40s or 50s to have a little extra weight, but you are far, far beyond that. You will look and feel so much better if you lose some weight. (Exercise gets the endorphins going, so it may help your depression to exercise.)

 

I don't believe you when you say you can't lose weight. How many calories are you consuming per day? How much exercise are you getting? If you don't exercise at all, start slow. Take a 30 minute walk every day either before or after work. There are calculators online that can tell you how much you can eat to lose weight. Track every calorie.

 

If you don't want to do anything to improve your appearance, then another option might be to pursue women who are older than you are. What age range are you going for currently?

 

I don't think you should give up entirely. You still have a lot of life to live.

Edited June 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kid_Charlemange]

Many times, I feel the same way. I'm your age. A little taller, a little less heavy, no prettier, no more hair. Your job is better than mine. In short, I feel your pain.

 

Unfortunately, it's a toxic loop: You (we) get into this mode of "This will will never happen," which makes us feel like crap about ourselves. So we don't take care of ourselves, which makes us more out of shape and even less attractive. But the bigger issue is the negativity: People pick up on that so quickly, especially women. Despair, loneliness, lack of confidence, it's amazing how quickly even a sniff of that can put a woman off. The question becomes how to break the cycle.

 

I don't have an answer for you, because I'm barely out of that cycle myself. All I can say is, confidence instills confidence. And humor+confidence seems to be one of the biggest attractors out there. It's very, very hard to exude any degree of confidence after repeated rejections. I know this. However... what I found was that I didn't just need to learn to deal with women, I needed to deal with people. Let me ask you, what kind of circle of friends do you have? If you don't have close friends, or if you don't interact with people on a social level on a regular basis, I think you might find yourself stuck. I found that hanging out with other people made me realize "Hmm, I'm not a freak," and then I sort of used that as a baseline until I actually built up the courage to talk with some women online, then date some, and suddenly... boom... the self-confidence issue stopped being such a barrier.

 

I'm not going to sit here and say that it's all peaches and cream: The one woman I dated recently whom I really wanted to try to get into a relationship with is about to friend-zone me. She's the first one that I totally found attractive. And my ex will still barely speak to me. So the crap in the self-help books about confidence being everything are overstating the facts. My only point is, there are no happiness police that are going to knock on your door and say "Sorry to bother you sir, but we had a report that you're not happy? If so, please come with us." Again, I know this because I sat around moping for months.

 

And yeah, the diet and exercise thing is huge. I'm 6-0 and 210. Still wayyy too obese to ever be called attractive. But six months ago I was 6-0 and 235. My friends have noticed, and when you start getting results, it makes it easier. I WILL make it down to 185 before the end of the year, even though my favorite food groups are beer, pizza and chocolate. I hate exercise. I mean, I really hate it. But it's a necessary evil. I "trick" myself by listening to audiobooks while on the treadmill. My brain thinks "Hey I'm reading a book, this is cool!" And the next thing I know, the hour is up.

 

I'm probably the last person you should take advice from. But... it seems to me that breaking the cycle is the biggest first step. Good luck, brother.

[William]

Due to the posting of personally identifiable linked images, which is prohibited on LoveShack, some editing of the thread was performed. This thread is discussing how to accept being alone forever, not a 'rate me' thread. If it is determined to the latter, it will then become subject to our policies regarding such and be open to ban and deletion, hence let's focus on the interpersonal relationship aspects of being alone. Thanks!

[ZipperZapper]

what is your age OP?

 

51, and I can't even get older women interested in me save for a rare few.

[Targetlock]

A positive attitude and way of thinking helps with this, believing you will fail is the first step to failure but yes I know it can be very hard to keep up sometimes.that is the only advice I can give as I'm also trying to find a solution to the same problem.

[Kcame30]

51, and I can't even get older women interested in me save for a rare few.

 

Please don’t commit suicide.

 

I thought of suicide and then I also thought of how I wanted to feel about my life before I die… happy. Don’t you deserve to be happy? If so, why not fight for it? It’s worth going through the hell to battle for your happiness because the best can still happen. I’ve been single for six years and you can achieve happiness as a single person. Besides the desire of having a meaningful relationship what other desires do you have? What is your passion? I’m also introverted as well and understand how some social situations can be difficult. Having close friends (for us introverted folks we don’t need many) to lean on and/or have fun with can make life easier. Have you tried to enjoying life without being bothered with the thought of never finding love? What about your hobbies? Do you want to try something new? Go somewhere you never been before? What about giving love to unfortunate people? Volunteering?

 

If I were in your shoes I would plan to do as much as I can (that will better your life) to distract myself from thinking or feeling that I’d be alone forever. It’s so many great things you can do, so many interesting people you can still meet and great places you can explore. In my opinion, trying your hardest to enjoy life is the best distraction from feeling low about any situation. It works for me every single time.

 

If it get's hard just try even harder.

Edited June 28, 2014 by Kcame30