The divorce is finally final!

[Hope Shimmers]

How old are your children though? His kids are almost grown. They have very busy lives that do not include their parents. His youngest will be driving soon and after that, who knows how much they will even be seeing them since they are all very involved in athletics and academics and have friends and very active and full social lives. They don't need to be tethered to each other for these kids to be successful. they haven't been tethered to each other for years and the kids are doing great. No offense, but if your children aren't very young, then what you describe seems very inappropriate to me for a divorced couple. I find that many people try to use the kids to keep contact with their ex spouse, and my exMM has absolutely NO desire for this. Yet I have no doubts that he will parent well separately from his ex wife.

 

I have three teenagers and their lives DO include their parents as long as they live under my roof and that of my ex-H. We still parent them.

 

You are way off base in saying that what I describe "seems very inappropriate" for a divorced couple. It's called "co-parenting".

 

Do you have children of your own? I assume you speak from experience?

[Hope Shimmers]

How old are your children though? His kids are almost grown. They have very busy lives that do not include their parents. His youngest will be driving soon and after that, who knows how much they will even be seeing them since they are all very involved in athletics and academics and have friends and very active and full social lives. They don't need to be tethered to each other for these kids to be successful. they haven't been tethered to each other for years and the kids are doing great. No offense, but if your children aren't very young, then what you describe seems very inappropriate to me for a divorced couple. I find that many people try to use the kids to keep contact with their ex spouse, and my exMM has absolutely NO desire for this. Yet I have no doubts that he will parent well separately from his ex wife.

 

19, 17, and 13. And yes, they still need their parents!

[sweet_pea]

I'm confused as to what some of you consider dating? I am not parenting his children - he and I are simply DATING. That is a huge leap. We only spent time together on Father's Day bc we have mutual friends and were invited to a cook out separately and together. We chose to go - and we didn't make out the whole time, we simply visited normally. Again, dating - not having sex on front lawns, or sitting on each other's laps - or trying to parent each other's children. We are going on dates and talking on the phone. His children are not involved. Yes, they invited me to the pool party they want to have when they move back into the house, and I've not decided if I will go yet - I want to, but will also make an informed decision depending on how the next month or so plays out. Some of you seem to equate dating with marrying/coparenting/cohabitating - I do not.

 

ETA: Never mind

 

Anyway, good luck on the relationship with him. I hope that it works out for everyone. I hope the kids can mend their relationship with their mother, as I'm sure it was not always this strained.

Edited June 23, 2014 by sweet_pea

[Hope Shimmers]

I repeat my question - do you have kids of your own, Amy?

[AmyBamy]

I have three teenagers and their lives DO include their parents as long as they live under my roof and that of my ex-H. We still parent them.

 

You are way off base in saying that what I describe "seems very inappropriate" for a divorced couple. It's called "co-parenting".

 

Do you have children of your own? I assume you speak from experience?

 

I consider it unhealthy enmeshment when parents of grown children continue to be too involved with one another after a divorce. Co-parenting does not necessitate being overly attached to an ex spouse, although I am aware that some people seem to believe it does. Nothing personal, and that is your choice and your ex's choice, but my exMM has no desire to do so, and his counselor has assured him that there is no need with the ages and abilities of his children at this point.

[AmyBamy]

I have three teenagers and their lives DO include their parents as long as they live under my roof and that of my ex-H. We still parent them.

 

You are way off base in saying that what I describe "seems very inappropriate" for a divorced couple. It's called "co-parenting".

 

Do you have children of your own? I assume you speak from experience?

 

I do speak from experience.

[whichwayisup]

Also, please remember, these are young adult children. The youngest is 15 - they are not babies and they are very intelligent and insightful young adults. I really don't worry about their adjustment or ability to handle adversity considering what they've already been through. I'm not discounting your concerns, but I think many here are underestimating young adults. I would obviously think differently if the youngest was 5.

 

Sorry but 15 is not a young adult at all. Someone closer to 20 - 25 is a young adult. A 15 year old a teen and still a young one at that!

[HermioneG]

Sorry but 15 is not a young adult at all. Someone closer to 20 - 25 is a young adult. A 15 year old a teen and still a young one at that!

 

Agreed. My kids are 18,16,14 and 12- and We run ourselves in circles being involved with our kids. They love and need both of us, very much, and we are all connected.

 

My concern would be that I thought the research showed it was actually older children who have the most trouble adjusting after a divorce.

 

I would absolutely think that making sure the kids have counseling and resources available to them should be a priority .

 

We would not want to have a round of them repeating their mother's unstable behavior, another generation of instability.

 

I think transitions are hard for everyone, no matter the ages, including all the adults.

Edited June 23, 2014 by HermioneG

[goodyblue]

I also avoid the xw at all costs. I don't see any reason to ever have to have any dealings with her.

 

She's tried to confront me a couple of times, I have walked away.

 

I avoid places she goes, I stay our of her part of the city. I make every effort to stay away.

 

If this is what you want, it can be handled. Hang in there.

[GreySkyMorning]

Hesitant to say much of anything, since all I said before was that this makes me sad for the kids and their mother, and you reported that.

 

However, you are way off base here. My own children are 24, 17, and 15. My ex and I have been divorced for twelve years. We are both in other relationships. But, we STILL actively co-parent and always will.

[Hope Shimmers]

I consider it unhealthy enmeshment when parents of grown children continue to be too involved with one another after a divorce. Co-parenting does not necessitate being overly attached to an ex spouse, although I am aware that some people seem to believe it does. Nothing personal, and that is your choice and your ex's choice, but my exMM has no desire to do so, and his counselor has assured him that there is no need with the ages and abilities of his children at this point.

 

If I had my way I would roast my ex-husband over a fire. When the kids are adults the first thing I plan to do is MOVE.

 

However, he's been a good parent to our kids and we co-parent together. For that, we get along and communicate - very well I might add.

Edited June 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jwi71]

I agree with everything here except, I don't think that they like me better than her, and I'm not gloating. Trust me, I am not happy with any of this, I am just glad it seems to be settling down - that's what I'm happy about.

 

And this is very good.

I KNOW that feeling well.

 

I don't feel a lot of sympathy for their Mom right now bc everything she is suffering right now is because of her own behaviors, she brought all of that on herself and by herself.

 

Fair enough - but I would urge MORE compassion and not less.

I think it goes farther, faster and is more lasting.

 

The kids are simply reaching out to me in a time of chaos because I'm not acting crazy. That's all there is to that I think. They are struggling to find a consistent adult without drama and I fit that bill for them. They are searching for some consistency and stability and their mother is not providing them for that. And yes, they probably are looking at the affair as a good thing right now, but that will balance out IF their mother gets hold of herself and starts acting like an adult and a mother. If she doesn't, well, I can't control that.

 

And you are turning them away I trust.

Telling them to "not bother you with their problems".

Because the alternative is called BEING MOM - the very thing you are swearing you are not being and not wanting to be. You know, the calm, safe, warm, nurturing presence they clearly seek....and you want, per your own words, no part of.

 

The surface of this lake seems calm - but I'm betting the currents below are treacherous.

 

Am I happy that his kids like me? Of course I am - who wants the children of the guy they are dating to hate them? But that is completely separate from their relationship with their mother, nothing to do with it.

 

Ouch.

You are painting the parental relationship with an AP's brush - putting the kids R with mom in a box, their R with dad in another, and the one with you in yet another - I'm not sure that strategy leads to a happy end.

 

I am not gloating nor am I happy, and I have my own experience with losing my own mother and I will never ever take part in bashing their mother with them or in front of them. I also will not correct them - I simply ignore those comments bc it's not my place - they will figure it out on their own and do what they feel is right for them.

 

It IS your place.

And, well, maybe not now - but WILL BE your place.

I get the sense you are too wrapped up in today to prepare for tomorrow.

 

And if they choose not to see her and something tragic happens, that's life and they will deal with it like everyone else in the world has to when these things happen. I am not in the business of saving the world or predicting the future or mending relationships between other people - I leave them to it.

 

Well, all kinds of parenting styles out there and I guess when you have your children some day you'll tell them to "suck it up, not your problem".

 

I get the sense you actually find his kids more nuisance than anything else.

You have indicated you would rather sit out important dates (weddings, graduations, birth of grand children, etc) rather than attend with the xW - you simply won't go.

 

I don't think anyone will MISS THAT message.

 

Good luck Amy...I hope you can all truly connect and have a healthy future - but its not sounding like it.

[goodyblue]

And this is very good.

I KNOW that feeling well.

 

 

 

Fair enough - but I would urge MORE compassion and not less.

I think it goes farther, faster and is more lasting.

 

 

 

And you are turning them away I trust.

Telling them to "not bother you with their problems".

Because the alternative is called BEING MOM - the very thing you are swearing you are not being and not wanting to be. You know, the calm, safe, warm, nurturing presence they clearly seek....and you want, per your own words, no part of.

 

The surface of this lake seems calm - but I'm betting the currents below are treacherous.

 

 

 

Ouch.

You are painting the parental relationship with an AP's brush - putting the kids R with mom in a box, their R with dad in another, and the one with you in yet another - I'm not sure that strategy leads to a happy end.

 

 

 

It IS your place.

And, well, maybe not now - but WILL BE your place.

I get the sense you are too wrapped up in today to prepare for tomorrow.

 

 

 

Well, all kinds of parenting styles out there and I guess when you have your children some day you'll tell them to "suck it up, not your problem".

 

I get the sense you actually find his kids more nuisance than anything else.

You have indicated you would rather sit out important dates (weddings, graduations, birth of grand children, etc) rather than attend with the xW - you simply won't go.

 

I don't think anyone will MISS THAT message.

 

Good luck Amy...I hope you can all truly connect and have a healthy future - but its not sounding like it.

 

Not true. I also stated I would bow out if there is an important date and it will cause friction. After all, she is their mother and I am not going to go to a play, recital, wedding, baby birth etc. and make their mother uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that I don't care about his kids, I do very much, I just want to make things as calm as possible.

 

I feel you have missed the gist of what Amy was saying.

[jwi71]

Not true. I also stated I would bow out if there is an important date and it will cause friction. After all, she is their mother and I am not going to go to a play, recital, wedding, baby birth etc. and make their mother uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that I don't care about his kids, I do very much, I just want to make things as calm as possible.

 

For me - and I how I view things - it sounds like this:

 

Kid: Will you attend my wedding?

Step-parent: Love to. Wait, will your mom be there?

 

That's the gist I see...and my PoV is...why force the child, well adult at this age, to HAVE to think like this on these occasions? Why add an undue stress?

 

And, if you think about it, how much power does one concede to the xW with this? And, that doesn't sound like AmyBamy to me - no way she rolls over (just an observation). So I see potential for future conflicts and side-choosing.

 

And, having lived this very thing, its TAXING on dad here. Its ZERO fun being caught in the middle - and that's what this does. Talk about taxing one's diplomatic skills! I think Im now qualified to bring peace to the mideast now!

 

I feel you have missed the gist of what Amy was saying.

 

No, I get it.

 

Just concerned the path OP is on leads to an outcome she doesn't want...

[AmyBamy]

Hesitant to say much of anything, since all I said before was that this makes me sad for the kids and their mother, and you reported that.

 

However, you are way off base here. My own children are 24, 17, and 15. My ex and I have been divorced for twelve years. We are both in other relationships. But, we STILL actively co-parent and always will.

 

Um - I didn't report anything? Someone may have, but it wasn't me. To each his own on the involvement that they want with their exes, but I stand by my knowledge that enmeshment is unnecessary after a divorce. Coparenting can be successfully done without the ex spouses being tethered, and can be done quite well.

[AmyBamy]

And this is very good.

I KNOW that feeling well.

 

 

 

Fair enough - but I would urge MORE compassion and not less.

I think it goes farther, faster and is more lasting.

 

 

 

And you are turning them away I trust.

Telling them to "not bother you with their problems".

Because the alternative is called BEING MOM - the very thing you are swearing you are not being and not wanting to be. You know, the calm, safe, warm, nurturing presence they clearly seek....and you want, per your own words, no part of.

 

The surface of this lake seems calm - but I'm betting the currents below are treacherous.

 

 

 

Ouch.

You are painting the parental relationship with an AP's brush - putting the kids R with mom in a box, their R with dad in another, and the one with you in yet another - I'm not sure that strategy leads to a happy end.

 

 

 

It IS your place.

And, well, maybe not now - but WILL BE your place.

I get the sense you are too wrapped up in today to prepare for tomorrow.

 

 

 

Well, all kinds of parenting styles out there and I guess when you have your children some day you'll tell them to "suck it up, not your problem".

 

I get the sense you actually find his kids more nuisance than anything else.

You have indicated you would rather sit out important dates (weddings, graduations, birth of grand children, etc) rather than attend with the xW - you simply won't go.

 

I don't think anyone will MISS THAT message.

 

Good luck Amy...I hope you can all truly connect and have a healthy future - but its not sounding like it.

 

Are you purposely being obtuse here? I do not find them a nuisance at all. I am not gloating. I am keeping myself out of their way so that they can have their parents in their appropriate positions if their mother can do that. I said that I would sit out important things for their benefit, so that they can have their mother attend, if that is what they want. Seriously, please stop trying to make me the bad guy here, I'm not.

[AmyBamy]

Besides the fact that some are really wanting to veer this off into an analysis of me, the original post was simply an update.

 

What I see here is this -

 

If the person is a BS, please have compassion, please excuse their behavior as they are probably mentally ill and just hurt and distraught and that explains their actions and behaviors. Please bend over backwards to make their lives easier and accept their behaviors and actions and provide them understanding.

 

If the person is a MM - they are the devil and selfish and hateful and horrible narcissistic people who have no reason to have ever had the actions and behaviors that they have. Please don't believe them and please vilify everything that they do forever from here on out. Do not give them any understanding or compassion because they do not deserve it.

 

Honestly - do some of you not see the double standard here? I can't even believe that some of you want me to insert myself into a relationship with his children yet if I said I was somehow I am absolutely POSITIVE that you would be telling me that I don't deserve to be there. Some of you just want to be argumentative I think and will argue until your dying breath that the BS deserves nothing but compassion and the MM nothing but hatred.

 

It's ridiculous and I wish you could step out of yourselves and listen to yourselves. It's so obvious that it makes my head hurt.

 

The divorce is final. They are no longer married. Nothing excuses her behaviors and actions. She does not deserve my compassion anymore than he deserves yours. You can decide how much that is by the way you feel towards him. And, no, she is not innocent. She has abused her family for years and is now reaping what she has sown. What goes around comes around. If it tastes bitter to her, it's her own fault.

[Got it]

I have three teenagers and their lives DO include their parents as long as they live under my roof and that of my ex-H. We still parent them.

 

You are way off base in saying that what I describe "seems very inappropriate" for a divorced couple. It's called "co-parenting".

 

Do you have children of your own? I assume you speak from experience?

 

Unfortunately not every divorced couple can co-parent. Some have to parallel parent. I have not interacted with his ex wife in the last four years because of how estranged the two sides are. While more interaction/intermingling would be ideal it is what it is. My husband has tried to co-parent to no avail so has moved into parallel parenting. We haven't had any major events that would "force" interaction" but they are coming up in a few years.

 

What you state is ideal but it is not realistic in all situations unfortunately. Both parents SHOULD be striving to put their self interest aside and co-parent well but that doesn't happen in all cases. I do think that a lot of what people are saying is correct and doesn't change that more compassion is always appreciated, doing the right thing regardless of other's behavior will never go wrong, and putting the kid's feelings first is paramount.

 

Out of respect for the kids and their mom I do not force my presence any more than it is. My job is to enforce my husband's parenting rules with the kids, discuss issues/concerns in private with him and never disparage either parent to the kids nor choose sides. I try and be very sensitive to all feelings towards the affair and understand any levels of consternation and hurt tied to it. Regardless of what others do, I can control my actions and try and keep how the kids may feel as my guiding light.

Edited June 24, 2014 by Got it

[Lady2163]

I meant to comment on this yesterday, but was sidetracked.

 

I've also been a foster parent to kids older than 15 and they may be I'm their 30s now, but I still hear from them. No matter what horrible, abusive things their parents have done to them, no matter how old they get, they still cling to the hope their mom and dad will be the person the children *think* the parent should be. Just had a 33 year old get majorly screwed over by druggie, alcoholic mom again, last week. I have a standard line, "Your mom/dad has limitations, they do love you, but they are stymied by drugs, alcohol, mental illness. As you get older it might get easier for you to understand and respect the limitations and not ask too much from them....only so you aren't hurt."

 

In my opinion, you need to model behavior. By letting the kids refer to her as psycho, you are condoning it and possibly in their mind, saying it yourself. You need to set limits of your own. Name calling is a sign or insecurity.

[AmyBamy]

I meant to comment on this yesterday, but was sidetracked.

 

I've also been a foster parent to kids older than 15 and they may be I'm their 30s now, but I still hear from them. No matter what horrible, abusive things their parents have done to them, no matter how old they get, they still cling to the hope their mom and dad will be the person the children *think* the parent should be. Just had a 33 year old get majorly screwed over by druggie, alcoholic mom again, last week. I have a standard line, "Your mom/dad has limitations, they do love you, but they are stymied by drugs, alcohol, mental illness. As you get older it might get easier for you to understand and respect the limitations and not ask too much from them....only so you aren't hurt."

 

In my opinion, you need to model behavior. By letting the kids refer to her as psycho, you are condoning it and possibly in their mind, saying it yourself. You need to set limits of your own. Name calling is a sign or insecurity.

 

I would agree with this IF I had a relationship with his children - I do not. They have met me maybe 3 times in total, and none of those times did we spend hours and hours talking about the meaning of life. It is just not my place. You are speaking of children that you RAISED here, that is completely different than the situation that I am in. I will not correct them regarding their language about their mother. If I want to never have a relationship with them in the future, then I am sure that this would be the way to go about it. Insert myself between them and their mother and try to parent them.

 

I know how to handle children, I know how to guide and direct gently, and I know what is right and what is wrong. And, the children in my life that I have a long standing relationship with, or have raised, I do this with. These are practically strangers to me, I am simply dating their father. Dating him does not automatically make me their mother or pseudo mother or stand in adult role model and I know enough to respect the boundaries here.

 

They have a right to their thoughts and opinions and as they get older they will be able to clearly see the situation, just as all children grow up to do. I don't feel that they should be forced into handling it beyond their years at this point to ease their mother's "struggle". That would be sacrificing their well being for hers, and if I did have a relationship with them, I would never encourage that anyway. Her well being would always be secondary considering she is supposedly the adult in the situation. Time will tell if she has a mental health issue but I'll bet my left leg right now that she doesn't and it is simply behavioral and an attitude and entitlement issue. And, I will be the first to apologize if I'm wrong, but I'm very confident that I'm not.

 

If she does have a mental health issue, her children will handle it. IF she doesn't, they will handle it. People handle adversity every single day, it is just part of life. They will figure it out and all in due time it will all sort out. Parents get divorced every day and children have to be given time to grieve and process and figure out their thoughts and feelings about each parent. It will take time and I don't intend to push it, and wouldn't push it even if I had that kind of relationship with them.

 

Coddling children handicaps them and I'm not willing to do that to any child. Denying them their experience and feelings and thoughts, even if their mother is hurt by it, won't be done by me ever. Adults should be able to handle hurt, if their mother can't, it's not their burden to appease her and coddle her at their own expense.

 

And I have never called her name in front of them or to them. I use descriptive words here to describe her and to vent because of her attempting to insert herself into MY life where she is not wanted or needed and has no right to be. And if name calling is a sign of insecurity, you should send her a letter stat, because that's all that comes out of her mouth towards everyone, including her family that many of you think should be bending over backwards to help her out right now. Her bed may be uncomfortable, but she made that baby up all by herself.

[adna89]

Did he divorce her because of you,or is the divorce because of other stuff in their marriage?

[wind willow]

And this is very good.

I KNOW that feeling well.

 

 

 

Fair enough - but I would urge MORE compassion and not less.

I think it goes farther, faster and is more lasting.

 

 

 

And you are turning them away I trust.

Telling them to "not bother you with their problems".

Because the alternative is called BEING MOM - the very thing you are swearing you are not being and not wanting to be. You know, the calm, safe, warm, nurturing presence they clearly seek....and you want, per your own words, no part of.

 

The surface of this lake seems calm - but I'm betting the currents below are treacherous.

 

 

 

Ouch.

You are painting the parental relationship with an AP's brush - putting the kids R with mom in a box, their R with dad in another, and the one with you in yet another - I'm not sure that strategy leads to a happy end.

 

 

 

It IS your place.

And, well, maybe not now - but WILL BE your place.

I get the sense you are too wrapped up in today to prepare for tomorrow.

 

 

 

Well, all kinds of parenting styles out there and I guess when you have your children some day you'll tell them to "suck it up, not your problem".

 

I get the sense you actually find his kids more nuisance than anything else.

You have indicated you would rather sit out important dates (weddings, graduations, birth of grand children, etc) rather than attend with the xW - you simply won't go.

 

I don't think anyone will MISS THAT message.

 

Good luck Amy...I hope you can all truly connect and have a healthy future - but its not sounding like it.

 

Well this whole thing is a huge twisting of Amy's words.

 

Amy describes just hearing a comment by the kids without making judgement or criticism and you interpret that as "your problem, not mine".

 

She describes being courteous enough to bow out if necessary to let the kids have their mom at their events without any drama that might be caused by both of them being present, and you interpret that to be "screw you kids, I don't care enough to want to go to your events".

 

You have a very skewed perspective on what dating a divorced parent involves. It doesn't involve parenting or lecturing the kids when you're not seriously committed.

 

I dated a divorced man with 2 teenage kids, one of which lived with him. None of the things being made out to be a huge deal here were ever much of an issue.

Edited June 25, 2014 by wind willow

[wind willow]

Amy, the one thing I would recommend is to suggest to the guy you're dating that he tell his kids that he was involved with you prior to the divorce if they don't already know.

 

Since the xW knows, the kids are going to find out eventually if you two do end up in a long-term relationship. It will be much better for the kids to hear it from him now than from her a year from now when she can try to rewrite history and claim that you and he cause their divorce when the reasons for their failed marriage are no longer fresh in everyone's minds.

 

If she tries to rewrite history, and he's kept your relationship a secret from them, the fact that he hid it can give credibility to her claims. Things always seem more nefarious when you find out someone has been hiding them from you. If he's already had a frank discussion with the kids about his actions, choices, regrets, etc. she won't be able to use it later to poison the kids against their father.

 

Edit: You mentioned a therapist. Maybe suggest he talk to the therapist about whether to tell the kids and how to do it if he does. Even if you two don't stay together, she could try to use his infidelity to turn the kids against him in the future if he's kept it secret from them.

Edited June 25, 2014 by wind willow

[AmyBamy]

Amy, the one thing I would recommend is to suggest to the guy you're dating that he tell his kids that he was involved with you prior to the divorce if they don't already know.

 

Since the xW knows, the kids are going to find out eventually if you two do end up in a long-term relationship. It will be much better for the kids to hear it from him now than from her a year from now when she can try to rewrite history and claim that you and he cause their divorce when the reasons for their failed marriage are no longer fresh in everyone's minds.

 

If she tries to rewrite history, and he's kept your relationship a secret from them, the fact that he hid it can give credibility to her claims. Things always seem more nefarious when you find out someone has been hiding them from you. If he's already had a frank discussion with the kids about his actions, choices, regrets, etc. she won't be able to use it later to poison the kids against their father.

 

Edit: You mentioned a therapist. Maybe suggest he talk to the therapist about whether to tell the kids and how to do it if he does. Even if you two don't stay together, she could try to use his infidelity to turn the kids against him in the future if he's kept it secret from them.

 

The kids know, their mother told them. He then sat them all down and had a discussion with them about it and allowed them to vent any feelings they had. Surprisingly none of them had much to say about it. The oldest child did say, "I'm glad you guys are finally getting away from each other" about exMM and his ex wife. I think that even the kids know that they will be happier apart than they've ever been together.

 

He is divorcing her for his own reasons, not because of me. I wasn't even sure that I was going to try to even date him and he still went through with the divorce. It's not about me, or anyone else, it's about them being in an unhealthy relationship and him finally finding the courage to end it - which may be because of his relationship with me, but not the divorce, it should have happened years ago.

[wind willow]

The kids know, their mother told them. He then sat them all down and had a discussion with them about it and allowed them to vent any feelings they had.

 

That's good. Not that she told them. That's a pretty sh.ite thing for her to have done. But good he talked to them about it.

 

Surprisingly none of them had much to say about it. The oldest child did say, "I'm glad you guys are finally getting away from each other" about exMM and his ex wife. I think that even the kids know that they will be happier apart than they've ever been together.

 

That sounds a lot like when my mom asked my siblings what we'd think if she divorced my dad. My siblings all told her that she absolutely should. They were practically ecstatic about the idea. I was the only one who seemed to have mixed feelings about it. I remember thinking at the time how wrong it seemed that kids were so happy at the idea of their parents getting divorced.

 

I know from previous responses in this thread that a lot of people find it hard to believe that kids would react that way. They think that kids will always side with their mother, want her around, etc. But my guess is that those people had the fortune of not having an abusive parent.

 

My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and since then, I think I've seen my dad less than a handful of times. I didn't and still don't want to see him. I didn't want him at any of my events. My sister instructed us at her wedding that if he showed up, we were to throw him out.

 

The parent/child dynamic is a lot different when the parent is abusive. Raising kids and experiencing what they go through with a good parent doesn't give a person experience with the same dynamic as a kid with an abusive parent.

 

My mom didn't date anyone before she divorced, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she had.

 

Hopefully for the kid's sake, their mom can get herself together so that she can have a relationship them. But if she can't, she has no one to blame but herself.

 

He is divorcing her for his own reasons, not because of me. I wasn't even sure that I was going to try to even date him and he still went through with the divorce. It's not about me, or anyone else, it's about them being in an unhealthy relationship and him finally finding the courage to end it - which may be because of his relationship with me, but not the divorce, it should have happened years ago.

 

I know you're not the cause. I was just saying that the ex could try to paint it that way down the road. Though it seems like maybe she already tried that and failed.

Edited June 28, 2014 by wind willow