The divorce is finally final!

[Got it]

I consider it unhealthy enmeshment when parents of grown children continue to be too involved with one another after a divorce. Co-parenting does not necessitate being overly attached to an ex spouse, although I am aware that some people seem to believe it does. Nothing personal, and that is your choice and your ex's choice, but my exMM has no desire to do so, and his counselor has assured him that there is no need with the ages and abilities of his children at this point.

 

What is "too much"?

 

I think if everyone gets a long well then in an ideal world I don't see this as a negative at all. I dislike the idea that with divorce there is a sudden and complete severing of all ties. I would like to see more enmeshment and I know that in my situation I would definitely be open and receptive to that. If the relationship between the adults is not healthy, though, then this wouldn't be a good situation.

 

My parents are divorced and we still do holidays, etc. together. They get along better divorced than married (the kids were THRILLED when they finally divorced). It does get weird when my dad's girlfriend is there only because my mother is unreasonable upset by it. So we invite the girlfriend and while sympathetic to our mother do draw the line. She has the right to her feelings but they are not reasonable nor appropriate based on the circumstances. I don't understand why it bothers her like it does, to be honest. They divorced, she has no rights to him or she should have worked on the marriage more.

 

I guess that ties into feelings of "ownership" or jealousy to me. I don't understand it. My ex husband is remarried and I am thrilled for him. There isn't a bone of jealousy in me about him or his wife and I have no interest in getting him back, ever. I wish him all the best but it doesn't bother me. I gave up any "rights" to him and I couldn't imagine thinking or feeling I had any still just by proxy of our history. I have never understood the "I don't want them but I don't want anyone else to" or laying claim on someone but not in a relationship with them. Just weird.

[cocorico]

What is "too much"?

 

I think if everyone gets a long well then in an ideal world I don't see this as a negative at all. I dislike the idea that with divorce there is a sudden and complete severing of all ties. I would like to see more enmeshment and I know that in my situation I would definitely be open and receptive to that. If the relationship between the adults is not healthy, though, then this wouldn't be a good situation.

 

My parents are divorced and we still do holidays, etc. together. They get along better divorced than married (the kids were THRILLED when they finally divorced). It does get weird when my dad's girlfriend is there only because my mother is unreasonable upset by it. So we invite the girlfriend and while sympathetic to our mother do draw the line. She has the right to her feelings but they are not reasonable nor appropriate based on the circumstances. I don't understand why it bothers her like it does, to be honest. They divorced, she has no rights to him or she should have worked on the marriage more.

 

I guess that ties into feelings of "ownership" or jealousy to me. I don't understand it. My ex husband is remarried and I am thrilled for him. There isn't a bone of jealousy in me about him or his wife and I have no interest in getting him back, ever. I wish him all the best but it doesn't bother me. I gave up any "rights" to him and I couldn't imagine thinking or feeling I had any still just by proxy of our history. I have never understood the "I don't want them but I don't want anyone else to" or laying claim on someone but not in a relationship with them. Just weird.

 

I think this is contingent on so many factors. My H and his XW have diametrically opposed values on most things - especially child rearing - so it would have made absolutely no sense to try to involve her in anything we did with the kids.

[cocorico]

The kids know, their mother told them. He then sat them all down and had a discussion with them about it and allowed them to vent any feelings they had. Surprisingly none of them had much to say about it. The oldest child did say, "I'm glad you guys are finally getting away from each other" about exMM and his ex wife. I think that even the kids know that they will be happier apart than they've ever been together.

 

He is divorcing her for his own reasons, not because of me. I wasn't even sure that I was going to try to even date him and he still went through with the divorce. It's not about me, or anyone else, it's about them being in an unhealthy relationship and him finally finding the courage to end it - which may be because of his relationship with me, but not the divorce, it should have happened years ago.

 

My H also found, when he spoke to the kids about whether to leave their mother, that they were very supportive of the idea. Kids - especially teens - really don't want the drama and embarrassment in front of their peers. My H was surprised how supportive and on board they were.

[AmyBamy]

That's good. Not that she told them. That's a pretty sh.ite thing for her to have done. But good he talked to them about it.

 

 

 

That sounds a lot like when my mom asked my siblings what we'd think if she divorced my dad. My siblings all told her that she absolutely should. They were practically ecstatic about the idea. I was the only one who seemed to have mixed feelings about it. I remember thinking at the time how wrong it seemed that kids were so happy at the idea of their parents getting divorced.

 

I know from previous responses in this thread that a lot of people find it hard to believe that kids would react that way. They think that kids will always side with their mother, want her around, etc. But my guess is that those people had the fortune of not having an abusive parent.

 

My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and since then, I think I've seen my dad less than a handful of times. I didn't and still don't want to see him. I didn't want him at any of my events. My sister instructed us at her wedding that if he showed up, we were to throw him out.

 

The parent/child dynamic is a lot different when the parent is abusive. Raising kids and experiencing what they go through with a good parent doesn't give a person experience with the same dynamic as a kid with an abusive parent.

 

My mom didn't date anyone before she divorced, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she had.

 

Hopefully for the kid's sake, their mom can get herself together so that she can have a relationship them. But if she can't, she has no one to blame but herself.

 

 

 

I know you're not the cause. I was just saying that the ex could try to paint it that way down the road. Though it seems like maybe she already tried that and failed.

 

She may try to paint it that way, but it won't fly with anyone but herself. She has had tantrums so many times and in public, that unfortunately, many people are wondering what took exMM so long to divorce her. Which isn't fair to her, but like many of these things, she does them to herself.

 

I agree with you. Not all parents are loving and caring and not all kids want them around simply because they are their parent. Sometimes we have to cut ties with blood kin, yes even parents, because they are unhealthy or abusive. I hope that isn't what happens here, but it looks more and more like it may. The kids are old enough and tired enough of her outbursts that it may be a very long while before they will even consider giving her another chance.

[AmyBamy]

I think this is contingent on so many factors. My H and his XW have diametrically opposed values on most things - especially child rearing - so it would have made absolutely no sense to try to involve her in anything we did with the kids.

 

I agree, it's dependent on too many things. There is coparenting and then there is codependence. They are two completely different things. I have known couples that were able to coparent very well after a divorce without the enmeshment, but I've seen it the other way too. It's an obvious attempt of one or the other spouse, or both, to keep things "the same" and not move on as would be healthy for all involved. In exMM's particular case, cutting ties cleanly is going to be the best for all involved since the dynamic when she is added becomes abusive and chaotic. The kids are old enough that coparenting isn't going to be such an involved "we have to be tethered to each other bc we were once married and our kids need us to continue to pretend to be somewhat together" situation.

[Hope Shimmers]

Amybamy, it seems like a corner has been turned in that you no longer have to deal with your boyfriend's ex-wife so maybe that would be a great place to end this thread about the ex-wife or start it in another direction so that LS members are not going on and on about the subject that is apparently resolved with the divorce (the ex-wife). I'm glad that all has been worked out!

 

I can totally see where your future focus is your relationship going forward. I wish you the best.

Edited July 4, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[AmyBamy]

Amybamy, it seems like a corner has been turned in that you no longer have to deal with your boyfriend's ex-wife so maybe that would be a great place to end this thread about the ex-wife or start it in another direction so that LS members are not going on and on about the subject that is apparently resolved with the divorce (the ex-wife). I'm glad that all has been worked out!

 

I can totally see where your future focus is your relationship going forward. I wish you the best.

 

I don't see anyone going on and on, I was just responding to a couple of questions and posts that had taken place over a time I hadn't checked in here. I didn't realize that you were a mod here, sorry. You can lock the thread if you want, like I said, just wanted to respond to a couple of people. And thank you for the well wishes