I said goodbye to him via Email

[mcjlec]

Need your help on this, guys.

 

I was dating this guy for about 2-3 weeks (a month ago) ... and, I was clear from the beginning that I didn't want to be exclusive, having just come out of a 15-yr marriage, that ended because he cheated on me. At any rate, things were going well, the guy I was dating was willing to "put up" with the non-exclusivity. I left for a long weekend with the girls, and didn't call him until I got back 2 days later. When he answered the phone, I found him to be cold, and he cut the conversation short and said he was at work, and "would contact me later." I was taken aback because he'd never used that tone with me.

 

A week went by, and no call from him. So, having already come off a break-up that was riddled with games towards the end, I didn't want to deal with any more games. I sent him an email letting him know that I didn't understand what had happened (especially since we were on such good terms when I left for the weekend), but I didn't want to leave things open-ended, so I basically just wished him a wonderful life.

 

A month later, I find myself thinking about him and missing him, and wondering if I'd jumped the gun. I left him a voicemail on the 14th to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day, and also indicated that I wished we were still seeing each other 'cause I would've loved for him to be my Valentine. I, of course, didn't expect him to reciprocate.

 

My question is, "should I just move on and forget about him?" ... or can he get past the bruised ego (or whatever it is) and maybe there's a second chance for us down the road? Your feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[UCFKevin]

Second chance?! You squashed it like a bug! BaH!

[_Saffy_]

judging by the way he acted when you got back from the break, and that it doesnt sound like he responded to your email, i would say that he had decided he wanted out anyway.

 

i dont think he has a bruised ego, i just think that he isnt interested any more.

 

you dont want or need the games, you said so yourself, so let him go, move on and start again.

[Feeling Lonely]

If he's gonna be like that with you and not even bother to explain why he's changed towards you then he is not worth the worry and right now this isn't what you need to be worrying about. You need to concentrate on yourself and making your self happy after your unsuccessful marriage!

 

Don't worry about him girl, he's obviously not worried about you babe!

[Sharmaine]

I was dating this guy for about 2-3 weeks ........

 

A very short time! Should be fairly easy for you to move on and away from this experience, because I think that is what you should do, it would appear that he has.

 

He was short and cold with you when you called, didn't bother to even mail you back after the 'goodbye' note. Says it all really.

[DinNJ]

He'll call... give it some time and don't call/email him again.

[mcjlec]

To DINDJ ...

 

Why do you think he'll call? I wasn't planning on emailing or calling him again. Although, I did intend to send him a birthday card in June.

[DinNJ]

JUNE??? That's 4 months away... you're thinkin' pretty far ahead aren't ya???

 

You already made a few attempts, correct? So he knows that you're trying to reach out to him right? That's enough... don't look desperate. If he calls... great...then you talk and explain how you feel. In mean time, go about your business... do your own thing. If he doesn't call, then hopefully, during that time, you'll have lost some emotional attachment... then it's no big deal. Just give him some time/space. Like I said... you attempted already... so the ball is in his court. He knows it.

[lost_in_chgo]

Looks like maybe he wanted to hear from you. When you disappeared for days, he had time to think about whether he wanted to be involved with you given your state of mind and the type of girl you were presenting to him.

 

When you emailed, dumping him, it confirmed everything he was thinking about how screwed up you are right now. Why would he respond to something like that?

 

You're trying to make this his problem. It isn't his problem it's yours. You treated him poorly all along the line from the sound of it and he got tired of it. Then you send him a dear john letter to try and make yourself feel better. And you still look at this as his problem. You're just hurt that he's not hanging on your every word.

 

Might have been the right guy too. Hard to tell since you don't give it a chance. So sad.

 

Maybe you should give him a call in a year when you have your head on straight and start off be apologizing to him. Don't expect a call back then either, he's likely very glad he got away.

 

Just take this as a lesson learned and apply it to your next victim, er relationship.

[mcjlec]

You hit the nail on the head "lost_in_chgo." Believe me, I have felt every emotion one would feel after breaking up with someone they'd been with for a long time. Granted, this relationship was only 2-3 weeks in the making. I didn't realize just how much I liked him until it was too late. I never intended to hurt him in any way.

 

I thought that by being completely honest with him (and the other guy I was dating) from Day 1, was the way to go. I thought this would alleviate any misunderstandings or misconceptions ... guess I was wrong. The funny thing is, when I left for the weekend ... it was simply to get with the girls (no guys involved whatsoever) ... and, I had time to think and realized I had no desire to keep seeing the other guy ... that he was the only one I kept thinking about ... the only one I wanted to be with. I was going to express that to him, but I didn't get a chance to, because he had a different demeanor when I called him. And, of course, when he didn't call me back after week, it made me feel like I'd made the wrong decision to pursue this relationship ... and I didn't feel like playing any games. I am not driven by ego. I just felt that he should've just told me what was on his mind ... whether or not I was going to like it. That was our agreement from the very beginning ... to be honest with each other about everything. I try very hard to live by that rule.

 

So, I guess I'll move on ... not knowing whether or not "he could've been the one" down the road ... and, that would definitely be categorized as a wasted opportunity. I still think he's a great guy, but he also handled this situation in a very immature way.

 

It is what it is ... live and learn, as they say ... but, it still hurts. And, that was my biggest fear ...

[ostateclarett13]

A 15yr marraige, sorry that had to end. By your wanting to hold onto a 2-3week dating of some guy, I am not sure if you are completely read for getting involved in something serious. But that is just how I view it. Ofcourse you are going to miss him, he is the rebound guy. Granted coming off 15yrs, there isnt truely a rebound. Like I say to everyone in these situations:

 

Ask you heart, and follow where your heart leads you. Best of luck to you. I tip my cap to you for looking for love. You are a strong person. (only the follow your heart thing I say to everyone, the rest is a testament to how I view you, I am sincere about being strong)

[EIN]

I tried to talk it out with this person I was chasing (fault was me chasing) after two months of no contact, we ran into each other and I acted like a jerk on my part. Emailed her a week after and it went like this:

Title: Trying to Create a Win-Win Outcome

Message: Excuse my rudeness that current night. Come by whenever you choose to, afer 9. I want to talk to you. I want to get to the cause of this.

 

Come by was to my workplace.

Had she came, I wouldve tried to reach an agreement whether this was going anyway or we are better off on our own.

 

She came by a week later with a big guy but they passed the store without walking in. She always came by herself. I am not going to think much except she was trying to send me a message that she's taken or to make me jealous. Either way I ended it via email even thou I didn't want to do it in email. Regrets? sometimes but I know I'll move on so what does not kill me makes me stronger.

[mcjlec]

Thank you for your kind words, ostateclarett13. This certainly has been a journey, thus far. Nobody said it would be easy, and they're right. I was/am NOT ready for a serious relationship, as I need to heal from my broken marriage.

 

It's unfortunate, that even though I followed the advice of others, and dated non-exclusively, I still ended up getting hurt. I guess it's true what they say, "all's fair in the game of love" ... but, there was no love involved ... so, it caught me by surprise that I got hurt (this soon) anyway.

 

But, I'm moving on anyway. I am a romantic, loving person at heart, and I believe in love ... and, I know I'll find it again. We both lose ... we both lost. Cie la vie.

[mcjlec]

I so totally feel your pain and frustration, EIN. Sometimes, we need to have closure, and when the ideal situation does not present itself in the timeline we want, we tend to turn to more inappropriate routes (i.e. Email).

 

And, so, you and I have to live and learn. It hurts ... but, you're right. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger ...

 

I just wish that pain wasn't a part of the growing process. Good luck to you in your pursuit of love and happiness.

[clynn]

Maybe you should phone him up and try to get him on teh phone?

 

I mean, it does sound a little as though he perhaps wasn't that interested, but, then again..........

 

......maybe your behavior sorta turned him off, also?

 

.....and perhaps that can be fixed or at least talked through by a conversation?

But you'd need to get him on teh phone...?

 

I mean, you will only really know if you actually get to speak with him, and I think you deserve that........

[MassiveAtom]

Vaht are zeese games you speek uff?

[mcjlec]

Believe me ... I'm not trying to play any games. I would like nothing more than to be with him again ... and this time, it would be on his terms ... exclusively. But, it's getting to the point where I don't think I want to try and get him back.

 

I don't believe he lost interest just for the sake of losing interest, 'cause we were so okay before I left for the trip. I think he was turned off by the fact that I didn't want to give up the other guy, and maybe he was convinced I'd taken off with the other guy for the long weekend ... which couldn't be FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. But, then again ... maybe he met someone while I was gone (we didn't see or talk to each other for 4 days). I guess I may never find out what happened, because he just stopped talking to me.

 

I think a week of no contact from him was BS, considering he didn't miss a day of sending emails (even if it was just to say, "I miss you") in 3 weeks. I called him one last time before I sent the "Dear John" letter, and he didn't pick up. What was he thinking? We could've ... should've ... talked it out.

 

And, I sent him a Valentine's Day card ... followed it up with a phone call on Valentine's Day ... and not that I expected him to reciprocate, but I had hoped for something ... anything ... but, I got nothin' ...

[clynn]

I'm sorry.

 

Sounds like a situation that is hopeless and bittersweet.

 

So sorry.

 

It has happened to the best of us.

 

hard to not screw up wtih people. It really is a balancing act.

[westernxer]

Funny... I received a breakup letter via e-mail just a week ago. It happened the night before Valentine's. She said she was going to date one guy exclusively, but it would've been better if she sent nothing at all, since she never returned a phone call I made to her earlier in the week.

 

I deleted her e-mail without responding, but I'm sure she'll write again when things start to slide. We had only started to date, and that's as far as it'll ever get.

[mcjlec]

Hi, Westernxer. Thanx for sharing your story. The day before Valentine's? ... that really sucks. But, I guess there's never a good time for goodbyes.

 

Looking back, I totally regret sending that email, but it was MY need for closure. I have my days when I know I should just move on, because he's obviously practicing the "no contact" rule to the hilt. Other times, I am overcome by this tremendous feeling of guilt, and feel like picking up the phone. BUT, I DON'T. I'm trying hard to chalk up the handling of the situation to the 13-yr age difference ... I'm older.

 

Since you are on the receiving end of the "Dear John" letter ... would you forgive her down the road, and give it another try?

[westernxer]

Hi MC. We just started dating and there wasn't a lot of emotional investment, but I felt we had great chemistry from the start (something that doesn't happen very often, at least with me).

 

Oh well...

 

Am I mad at her? No. The way I look at it, all is fair in love and war. I was about to leave town to visit family, so I called to let her know I was thinking about her. But she never called back, and I had given up on her by the time she sent that e-mail. Maybe she was being thoughtful, or maybe she wanted to rub it in. Either way it doesn't matter. She chose someone else, and I have to respect her decision. That's all I can say about it. I'm not going to get on my knees and beg her to reconsider.

 

If you want to know what my immediate reaction was, my weblog entry pretty much sums it up.

 

I don't know if forgiveness really applies. My policy is to turn and burn.

 

The sooner the better.

[mcjlec]

I know this should be a dead issue, but folks, I need your help again.

 

After about 6 weeks of no contact from him, he calls me this afternoon. I was so taken aback, because I'd given up on ever hearing from him again. I finally got my closure. The reason he stopped talking to me after I went away for the weekend, was because he'd hooked up with someone else, and they've been exclusive since then. He said he didn't call, 'cause he didn't know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. I told him he'd managed to do that anyway by not communicating with me at all.

 

At any rate, he kind of had some negative feelings about what might be going on with his current situation, and wanted my advice. I gave him the best advice I could give, because I truly care for him, and always wanted to remain friends if all else failed.

 

I guess what's confusing to me is that, although he has friends that he'd talked this over with, I'm not sure what prompted him to call me for advice ... AFTER ALL, it's been 6 weeks. Or could it be because his current girlfriend is a year younger than me (I'm 40), and maybe he thought I might be able to offer a different, if not better, advice than his own peers (he's 27)? Could there be a (gasp) probability that he still cares about me? He did mention several times that he is very much into this girl ... very much.

 

I am totally confused ... HELP!!!

 

P.S. And, yes ... he apologized for cutting off the communication, and I told him I'd sent a goodbye email to him, but he said he never got it, 'cause his computer's been down for a month.

[EIN]

I think hes being a dog and scouting to see if you have interest in him again so he can flock back to you. He tends to be hanging on to the "next big thing." If he was really interested in you from day 1, he would not have left you in that state of mind when he left you and worse, to someone else? What is this stuff about not able to find the right words because he didn't want to hurt your feelings? he's 27 and you're 40. Hello, he is an adult right? Point I am trying to make is DO NOT take him back. MOVE ON. Let this guy have the guilt of missing out on someone as wonderful and independent as you. Do not fall for him again with his sweet little words. He did it once, he will do it again if he can hook up with you again. I am sure you are a mature adult to see these RED Flags, hopefully; you'll take this as an advice and cut the communication with him once and for all.

[mcjlec]

Thanx for your words of wisdom, EIN. I never got a sense during our hour-long conversation that he was fishing for my feelings towards him, because he kept repeating the events that occurred between his new girl and him ... not to mention that he said he really, really cared about her. It did hurt that there were similarities (she being 39, with an 18-yr old son ... I'm 40 with a 19-yr old daughter).

 

I sent him a TM an hour after talking, just sending words of reassurance, and telling him that I'll be his friend always ... which I mean, from the bottom of my heart. I really was a little confused, and greatly surprised, that he would call me for advice after a long absence ... but, we'd always been able to talk about anything and everything. It didn't help me to know that he was probably with her last night ... but, I guess it is what it is ... and you're absolutely right ...

 

I need to move on, as originally planned. It still hurts, though.

[EIN]

Its human to feel hurt at rejection and deception but thats what Life is about. On without the Things you lost, Things you gained you take with you. I am proud and glad you are taking matters into your hands and going to continue living Your Life. Bravo Everyday is a new beginning.