Was he abusive and why do I want to go back?!

[Jewels7]

Thank you each and every one for responding. It's been almost two months now since I left and I am still having a hard time. I guess I'm starting to get mad at myself for missing someone who treated me this way. I have come back to this thread over and over again just to read your responses when I'm feeling weak. It brings be back and reaffirms that I made the right choice (even when sometimes I don't feel like it)

[BlueIris]

I should have read the whole thread first. Yes to learning about the Cycle of Abuse and Lundy Bancroft's book.

Turnera's post is exactly right.

 

I felt mad at myself too, and even a little scared that I couldn't trust myself any more. Forgive yourself. You trusted someone because you were trusting. It is not foreseeable that someone who treats you well is going to turn and treat you badly. If you've never been around people like that, how would you know? It's very popular to shift responsibility to victims, to say they should have "known better." But that's not true. What he did is his fault and it will never be your fault. Never. Also, remember that you left. You did say, "NO!" to him and his behavior, and you did say "Yes!" to yourself and to affirming what you know is right and good. You were right to leave. He will not change.

Edited July 10, 2014 by BlueIris

[Jewels7]

Thank you. I would just think after 2 months I would start getting a little better. I struggle everyday with wanting to go back to him and missing him. I know this sounds crazy to everyone else. It also doesn't help that I've tried to block him from everything and then Tuesday he had a mutual friend give me a 3 page letter he wrote to me. I shouldn't have read it. I knew it would set be back... I was curious though. There were apologies (although my counselor pointed out there were no sorries for the things that he did that caused me to leave, just the stuff that happened after). It hurt so bad to read it and I just wanted to talk to him. He told me he wanted to "fix things, not to get back together, but because he wants his best friend back." This hurt because I still remember him as my best friend (the guy he was before he became my boyfriend). He told me he still loved me and he told me to tell my parents he was sorry (he actually cussed out my dad after a post BU fight). I stayed strong and didn't respond to the letter but the pain I feel is almost unbelievable. I'm starting to think it will never go away and I'll never get over him. I still haven't found much anger and I'm still crying a lot.

[pteromom]

Awww, you will get through it. It takes time, and you need to be making sure you are filling the holes left from your relationship with other things that make you happy. Anything. Hobbies, puppies, friends, volunteering...

[Jewels7]

I need insight today because I'm really struggling. It's been a week since NC was broken. He apparently downloaded some app on the computer that you can text from. He texted me last Saturday and I responded which I shouldn't have done. I've read your replies here a thousand times to help me get through this and everyone has told me about the cycles of abuse. I guess I still wonder if things can really change. Last week when he messaged me he told me how much he loved me and how much he is hurting. He told me he would "change his entire self" if he could get me back. He told me he would go to counseling, get help for his anger problems etc and if I would just take his hand and help him, etc. He said he didn't know if he wanted to live without me. He talked about the baby we lost (I had a missed miscarriage back in February and feel like he didn't step up when I needed him most). He apologized. Basically he said everything I think I wanted to hear. In a way I felt like I was being guilt tripped at some parts in the convo though (he told me he didn't know if he wanted to live without me and he often wondered how people would feel if he wasn't around and he said it is obviously an easy pill to swallow. He also asked if that would make me happy of something happened to him. Of course I bought into this and told him it wasn't true and how much I'm hurting etc.) Needless to say, I can't seem to get over the fact that he said he would go to counseling, etc. I changed my number that night so he couldn't contact me again (though honestly I almost wish he would find a way to I guess so I know he still loves me like I love him. I know this sounds crazy) . Anyways I guess I'm just hurting because I keep thinking what if he is changing or does change and I miss out?? I just love him and I'm scared i never feel this way about anyone else.

[mrs rubble]

I need insight today because I'm really struggling. It's been a week since NC was broken. He apparently downloaded some app on the computer that you can text from. He texted me last Saturday and I responded which I shouldn't have done. I've read your replies here a thousand times to help me get through this and everyone has told me about the cycles of abuse. I guess I still wonder if things can really change. Last week when he messaged me he told me how much he loved me and how much he is hurting. He told me he would "change his entire self" if he could get me back. He told me he would go to counseling, get help for his anger problems etc and if I would just take his hand and help him, etc. He said he didn't know if he wanted to live without me. He talked about the baby we lost (I had a missed miscarriage back in February and feel like he didn't step up when I needed him most). He apologized. Basically he said everything I think I wanted to hear. In a way I felt like I was being guilt tripped at some parts in the convo though (he told me he didn't know if he wanted to live without me and he often wondered how people would feel if he wasn't around and he said it is obviously an easy pill to swallow. He also asked if that would make me happy of something happened to him. Of course I bought into this and told him it wasn't true and how much I'm hurting etc.) Needless to say, I can't seem to get over the fact that he said he would go to counseling, etc. I changed my number that night so he couldn't contact me again (though honestly I almost wish he would find a way to I guess so I know he still loves me like I love him. I know this sounds crazy) . Anyways I guess I'm just hurting because I keep thinking what if he is changing or does change and I miss out?? I just love him and I'm scared i never feel this way about anyone else.

He's not going change. Stay strong.

One day when someone treats you the way you deserve to be treated you'll look back at this relationship and wonder what you ever saw in him. I've been there too.

[travelbug1996]

i think he misses having someone to mistreat. it takes a long time to change at the core. i wouldnt suggest you go back to this person.

 

if you take him back, i think he will be sweet in the beginning but as soon as something happens that he can;t handle emotionally, he will revert back to his old self.

 

sorry but there is a cycle to abuse. ive been away from my abuser for 20 years

[turnera]

If he manages to get through to you again, just say this: "I'm giving you a year. Come back to me in ONE YEAR and SHOW ME your changes. Then I'll make a decision. Until then, I will have no contact with you."

 

 

I guarantee, he won't do the work and he won't stick around a full year without hooking up with some other abuse victim first.

[preraph]

He's bad. No one would think what his boss did was okay or justified or any part of it funny except someone like him. So please stop listening to your loneliness and get out. You already know being with him is even lonelier, or if you don't you should by now. No one is as alone as an abused women trapped in a relationship. Get out and stay out. Keep a log and evidence of any contact just in case he causes trouble and be sure you tell him you never ever want to see him again for any reason and if you put that on a text, save the text.

[Jewels7]

Update: It has now been 3 and a half months. It still hurts and I still cry sometimes although not as much. How do you know when you quit loving someone? As long as I'm not thinking about him I have more ok days than bad.

 

He also hasn't really left me alone. After I broke NC a month ago after he messaged an old ex of mine, I reblocked him on FB. He made another FB and sent me an unkind message. Then earlier this week I got this weird message from someone with a made up FB account. At first this person told me she was a friend of My ex's and she didn't want me to know who she was because he didn't she was messaging me. She said she wanted to hear what happened between us. I questioned this because my ex had already made one extra account. This person claimed "I don't know what "other" accounts you are referring to but like I said this is my account that I made because I wanted to stay anonymous." One of my coworkers told me to give this person her number and we would find out real fast who the person was. The person claimed they were in class but would call me tonight when they got out. After thinking better of it I tried asking for their number so I could call them. Of course I didn't get one and this person told me I was lying and inconsiderate for giving a number he/she couldn't reach me at. Told me Goodbye and they were sorry for wasting their time. I had guessed it was my ex so I called him out on it and told him to leave me alone. I was told it was his cousin and that I wasn't too bright but he would give my ex the message and that he would be thrilled by it.

 

Honestly this message hurt my feelings. I know it shouldn't but it did. This person was asking me for information that wasn't any of their business (if it wasn't my ex) and then got ugly with me. Although the way the person talked did sound like my ex in some ways. Especially the getting mad when he didn't get what he wanted. I also don't see his cousins doing something like that (because why would they care? They also wouldn't be so shady about it). Anyways I just wanted to get your opinions on this. Do you think it sounds like my ex or would someone else really go to all that trouble to message me and then be mean about it?

[loveboid]

This is harassment. It is typical stalking behavior. He is intentionally confusing you and making it harder for you to move on. This is more manipulation. Each time he communicates with you is an opportunity to manipulate you.

 

I would not contact him anymore. I would not have your family or friends contact him on your behalf. I would contact the police to report stalking behavior. You don't owe him any more of your time. I would tell my workplace that this person is harassing you and to not accept his calls...to keep a record of his calls for you to support a restraining order. If your workplace has a security guard I would give them a picture of this guy. I would keep a record of all of his attempts to contact you to support a restraining order.

 

Your feelings are normal in this situation because he is still bothering you! This is all of his manipulation! No contact is the only thing that works! Do not talk to him or have your friends/coworkers/whatever talk to him ever again. If you want to talk to him talk to him through the police or a lawyer.

 

He will eventually give up and move on to someone who is easier to manipulate. In psychology they've figured this out: he will get desperate and start contacting you MORE and this means he's about to give up. Stay strong.