Is he a jerk or suffering form bipolar disorder

[bottleneck]

I was married for 3 years and my husband was diagnosis with bipolar disorder recently. It is very hard to live with him. What ever I said he think it was nagging. I can’t make any conversation with him. He always end up yell at me or say bad word F_ _ _ _ and calls me names like B_ _ _ _ _, C_ _ _ etc or brake things. He used violent and said if you say another word I’ll break TV, etc…..but never hit me. I talked to him many times that I’ll leave if he continues acting or not seeking help for medication or counseling. He said that is OK by him but he will eventually kill himself if I leave him, he said he won’t make it without me, he will never find someone like me and he love me very much. We recently bought a house which require both incomes for the high mortgage in bay area California and I have no where to go beside coming home everyday to him.. My brothers are unsupported about my marriage and don’t want to hear it at all. His mother also in deny about his problems. Sometime I felt like he is acting like that because of his illness mood disorder then again sometime I don’t think that was the case. His father was very verbally abusive to his mother that she left him when he was 4-5 years old. I felt so trap and don’t know what to do. I asked him to see psychiatrist who diagnosis him but with very demanding job plus taking the class at University to advance his career make him unable stick to the appointment with his Psychiatrist end up canceling appointment due to emergency at work or unable get out form work. Psychiatrist doesn’t work on the weekends or after 6pm weekday. Any suggesting or comments will be very much appreciated.

[jellybean]

Dear bottleneck.....

 

Your husband is VERY ill and must get the help he needs pronto.

 

If it's inconvienent for him to make an appointment during normal doctor's hours, then take him to the hospital.

 

I'm not sure how the medical system works where you are at, but here in Canada everyone has coverage and if you check into the emergency ward you can get all the psychiatric help you need immediently.

 

Mental conditions get the same attention as physical ones.

 

Good luck

[ambrosia]

You need to leave that man. He is an adult, he can take care of himself. If he really wanted to get help he would do it. I am sure there there is an hour during the day when he is not working or in school and he can see a shrink and some shrinks start working as early as 7am.

 

He doesn't need you, don't sacrifice your life to him. You are not his baby sitter or his mother and you deserve your own happiness. It's [removed personal attack] to stay with him. It's annoying when people need psychiatric help insist on denying it and don't get help but instead burden everyone around them with their selfish and hurtful behavior- it's irresponsible. Just because someone is crazy doesn't mean he's stupid, he knows he can and should get the help he needs, but meanwhile it's convenient for him not to because he's got you to vent on and you put up with his bad behaviour, [removed personal attack] I was a jerk like him once, it took me years to get myself to a shrink, and the only thing that got me there was that the people I was involved with were not dumb enough to put up with my antics. When I realised no one was sticking around, I gave in and went to the doctor.

 

Just because he's nuts doesn't mean you have to put up with it. So his father was verbally abusive, why is that your business? It's not your responsibility to take care of him, [removed inappropriate comment] Your family is not supportive of your marriage because you do not need to be in it. You need to leave, move out, a house can be sold. Stay with a friend or a relative for a few weeks if you don't have money to rent your own place upfront. He says he'll kill himself if you leave him, that's plain manipulative and selfish and you don't need that in your life. It's not your responsibility to keep him alive, he is a grown adult man. If he kills himself it's not because you left him it's because he did not get the medical help he needed. You don't need this burden in your life, let his mother take care of him until he figures out that he should get help, and he can get help. I pay out of pocket for my shrink, it's the most expensive item in my budget, but I don't want to hurt the people who love me and that's worth more than money. If he cared about you at all, he would have already started working on the problem even before you got married. How did you end up married to this mess in the first place anyway? Didn't any of these unresolved issues come up while you were dating or did he recently stop taking medication?

 

Don't put up with this man. Leave.

[Artsygal99]

I also suffer from a mental illness but having a mental illness does not give anyone a license to be abusive in any way.

 

Certainly, if he is not taking his medication it could make him act "out of character" so he needs to TAKE HIS MEDICATION and GET COUNSELING.

 

By him not getting counseling or taking the right meds, he is CHOOSING not to get treatment for his illness and, as a result his actions, moods, etc, affect all those around him.

 

I think you need to tell him that UNLESS and UNTIL he gets the help he needs, he will need to live elsewhere.

 

I have had times (for maybe one dose) where I've forgotten to take medication and I take full resposibility for how it affects my mood or outlook at that time.

 

There is help help available and he needs to make it a priority, thus showing that your relationship is a priority. You deserve better.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Artsygal99

I also suffer from a mental illness but having a mental illness does not give anyone a license to be abusive in any way.

 

Certainly, if he is not taking his medication it could make him act "out of character" so he needs to TAKE HIS MEDICATION and GET COUNSELING.

 

By him not getting counseling or taking the right meds, he is CHOOSING not to get treatment for his illness and, as a result his actions, moods, etc, affect all those around him.

 

I think you need to tell him that UNLESS and UNTIL he gets the help he needs, he will need to live elsewhere.

 

I have had times (for maybe one dose) where I've forgotten to take medication and I take full resposibility for how it affects my mood or outlook at that time.

 

There is help help available and he needs to make it a priority, thus showing that your relationship is a priority. You deserve better.

 

Word.

 

He has to be willing to help himself and love himself enough to do what needs to be done.

[jellybean]

I agree with the last 3 posters....BUT the problem with a person who's living with untreated mental illness is : the person is so ill that they are unable to even take the first step and see a doctor. They are not capable of doing the most basic of things...like taking care of themselves, or remembering to treat others with respect...they lack all motivation.

 

It' like asking a person with 2 broken legs to walk.

 

He doesn't sound like he has any kind of support system in place, 'cept his wife (bottleneck).

 

bottleneck is certainly not responsible for his life, but she is the only one in the position to drag him (literally) to a professional to get the help he needs.

 

Or of course, the second option - simply desert him.

 

If it was me, here's what I would do : when he starts to get abusive, and threatening violence etc...I would call the ambulance. Same as if he suffered some physical injury in the home.

 

Mental and physical ailments BOTH require medical assistance.

 

And it's incorrect to have the belief that this man who suffers from mental disorders is behaving in this manner out of CHOICE.

[moimeme]

Just gotta second everything jellybean said. It's insanity itself to expect a person with a severe mental ailment to behave like people who aren't ill. 'Taking responsibility' is all well and fine IF your brain is working right. To expect someone that ill to behave 'like a normal person' is not terribly fair.

[Craig]

In some areas of the Bay Area (maybe all areas) if you call 911 and have the police respond to a domestic violence situation, they will in some instances ask the victim if they want to treat the matter as a police issue or a psychiatric issue.

 

Post the county you are in (here) and I'll post some agency names and numbers you can call to get more information.

[blind_otter]

In Florida we have the "Baker Act" which confines a person to a mental hospital for evaluation for 72 hours - if they are found to be a danger to themselves or other people they are committed, sometimes against their will.

 

If he is this dangerous, then he needs to be committed. Granted mental illness is a difficult situation, but from what she describes, his problem is NOT something she should handle. She could get hurt.

[Groovy]

I wanted to say I know what you are going through. My brother is manic depressive and IS violent. He has hit girlfriends, used handguns on people he got 10 years for, steals cars in his late 20's, pulled a knife out on someone...... then he feels bad and goes on suicide watches in jail over and over. He's like an angel and a demon at the same time fighting each other. He wants to be good but his moods take over. He constantly tries to help me live safe and does me favors with my car and my house. But then other times I know I cannot be near him or open a door into my home for him for safety.

 

I have felt like not too many people know what it is like to love someone with this degree of mental illness. It would be easier if he was just a bad person. But with my brother I can tell he wants to stay on track and hates himself. When he takes meds he does well, can hold down a job and stay out of trouble. Very few relate and understand what's happened the past 20 years or so of my life.

 

Many people label my brother a jerk and say I shouldn't love him. Sometimes I have to stop contact because of the great burdens and many times I do not visit him in jail. But I will always love him.

 

I wish I could say he will change or get better. My girlfriend eats too much and turns bulimic with manic depression, she isolates herself for days. And my brother will attempt great crimes that cost lives. Manic depression can be tricky and people don't know how wild and untamed it can be and what it can cost. Many cirminals have manic behavior at an extreme.

 

I personally believe your husband may just have manic depression, it's not that he's a jerk. But it in no way means you should have to live around someone whose hurting you physically or emotionally (which is just as bad) nor is not safe to be around. Many people with mental illness will not recognize it or take meds as society looks down at people with mental illness. Unfortunatrly this creates denial and they do not get the help they deserve. And having the illness does not mean you should have to be the target of all the dysfunction it creats. Best of luck

[Mr Spock]

If he's truly bi polar you'll have to learn to hate the illness not the person.

 

Being committed against your will can be extremely traumatizing so that should be a last resort.

 

If you plan to stay with this man you need to do research on to what this disease actually is. What kind of medications your husband will need to stay on for the rest of his life. What someone who's cycling behaves like. Being bi polar doesn't automatically turn you into a violent a**h***.

 

Get help, or get out.

[Groovy]

Some helpful websites are http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhbipolar and http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhfamschiz

 

The last one is created for families who need support, so is very helpful if your husband is manic depressive. The first one gives you a glimpse and is intended more for the people suffering from it.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Your husband may in fact be bipolar, but from what you have posted, it sounds like he is ALSO a jerk and a very serious emotional abuser, which is a completely seperate issue. The two are not mutually exclusive, nor does being one, necessarily imply that it is the cause of the other (that is a call for a licensed therapist to make). The emotional abuse is a learned behavior, which as you suspected, was very likely picked up by watching his father emotionally and verbally abuse his mother. His illness, even if real, is often characterized by extreme highs and lows (and yes, sometimes suicidal tendencies), but does not mean that he is not also abusive, seperate from that, and again, does not necessarily mean that his bipolar is where the abuse is coming from. The fact that he has all his family (and perhaps yours?) lined up to say he is a good guy and none of his abuse problems are real, just supports this conclusion.

 

I could write 10 paragraphs for you, but if you really want to know, there is a LOT of stuff about emotional abuse on this forum already. Just search google for "emotional abuse".

 

Bottom line, he either needs to fully acknowledge his problem, seek help for it without blaming it on you (that would include NOT missing appointments with his shrink instead of making excuses to do so - and such appointments should be for his abuse problem, not just for his bipolar disorder), and admitting his abuse problem to ALL of his family members, including mom who doesn't want to face the fact that her son seeing what her jerk did to her is the reason her son is that way - OR, you need to file for divorce. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but abusive guys usually do not change, and the ones that do, need to get REALLY serious about it first, and it is a process that takes years.

 

Bipolar is an illness, and a serious one, and you should stand by him on that. The emotional abuse, (to the extent that it is not related to the bipolar) is something else altogether, however, and needs to stop. Again, SOME of it (such as suicidal tendencies) could be bipolar, but a lot of the things you have described, sound like something different.

 

I don't know if you have kids, but if you don't, my advice would be definately do not have any with this guy. They will be his biggest wedge to keep you from leaving once you finally realize that you can't take anymore - and emotionally abusive guys are not above using them.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by blind_otter

In Florida we have the "Baker Act" which confines a person to a mental hospital for evaluation for 72 hours - if they are found to be a danger to themselves or other people they are committed, sometimes against their will.

 

If he is this dangerous, then he needs to be committed. Granted mental illness is a difficult situation, but from what she describes, his problem is NOT something she should handle. She could get hurt.

 

I hear what you are saying, and it is a good point, but having him "bakeracted" (or otherwise committed) is a serious step. If he is as abusive as she has described, and not just bipolar, she should be VERY careful doing this. If he convinces the authorities he is not a danger to himself or others (not very hard to do), he might decide to seek retribution against the person who "did this to him" (and that would be her).

 

As a side note, if he were JUST bipolar, having him "bakeracted" would be pretty cruel since that can usually be well regulated with meds, even though sadly, bipolar individuals get locked up and thrown away all the time. Since this guy also sounds very abusive, however, it's an option. But she should be VERY careful.

[MySugaree]

I can’t make any conversation with him. He always end up yell at me or say bad word F_ _ _ _ and calls me names like B_ _ _ _ _, C_ _ _ etc or brake things. He used violent and said if you say another word I’ll break TV, etc…..but never hit me. I talked to him many times that I’ll leave if he continues acting or not seeking help for medication or counseling. He said that is OK by him but he will eventually kill himself if I leave him, he said he won’t make it without me, he will never find someone like me and he love me very much.

 

Excuse me if my heart refuses to bleed for your abusive husband. My heart, rather, bleeds for you. Not all obnoxious behavior should be readily excused by bandying about psychobabble. Your husband treats you abusively, and you feel trapped in a horrible relationship. He is mean and manipulative. The reasons are, in my book, irrelevant. Quick and easy diagnostic labeling is not a license to abuse.

 

If your cruel husband refuses to go on meds (assuming meds would be helpful, here, and I'm not sure about that) or otherwise seek and obtain effective treatment, get out of this damned marriage. A so-called "mental illness" is not a license to abuse.

 

Sometimes it is all about character. And sometimes a jerk is just a jerk.

[moimeme]

Not all obnoxious behavior should be readily excused by bandying about psychobabble.

 

Bipolar disorder is not a matter of 'psychobabble'.

A so-called "mental illness" is not a license to abuse.

 

It's also not 'so-called'. These things exist.

 

He's not 'a jerk'; he does have mental problems and some have likely been caused by the abusive situation he grew up in. I think what's wrong is that he is bipolar and an abuser.

 

calls me names like B_ _ _ _ _, C_ _ _ etc or brake things. He used violent and said if you say another word I’ll break TV, etc…..but never hit me

 

yet

 

but he will eventually kill himself if I leave him, he said he won’t make it without me, he will never find someone like me

 

These things add up to a potentially dangerous person. I have a report someplace that suggests that the majority of people who commit murder-suicides suffer from uncontrolled bipolar disorder

 

Call your local domestic violence centre and follow their advice about how to leave. You have to do it safely or you could be in serious danger.

[Mr Spock]

Also, please remember police encounters with someone who's batsh*t crazy rarely go well as most local enforcement officers don't have experience in dealing with someone like that.

[manicmadness]

I have bipolar disorder and it is hell, like Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde these books are quite helpful An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison and Bipolar Disorder by Francis Mark Mondimore.

[Stone]

Hey dear,

 

I haven't read this entire post but I wanted to share my story with you.

 

My boyfriend of 3 years also has Bi- Polor disorder, and it has been a hard, nasty, and hearbreaking road for me. He has never acted in the ways that yours have twards me ( name calling violent ect) but just the fact that is moods are so unpredictable is hard enough.

 

Bi- polor disorder can be under control ONLY IF THE PERSON WITH THE DISORDER WANTS IT TO!!! and that is the only way to do it. I've spent YEARs trying to get him help and he doesn't care enough about himself to do it. In other words I stay unhappy and that is unfair to me and my children.

 

I could also write pages & pages on this but the bottom line is YOu cant make him get help and you can't change him. He needs to want to do it, be properly medicaded, go to therapy, ect. Alot of Bi-Polor people self medicate with Drugs or Alchol my b/f does and that is EXTREAMLY dangerous, as of know he seems to be Manic witch can last for months. Is he on Meds? sorry If I am repeating another post.

 

Don't let him hide behind an excuse that he is Bi-Polor to treat you like crap because its BS! there is PLENTY of help he could receive if he truly cared about himiself... and he can't care about you if he can't care about himself. I know leaving is eaiser said than done.... I'm still here with him and I'm still miserable.

 

Are there children involved?