Coping with my girlfriends early relationship one night stand

[Brydk]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm looking for some insight and advice on how to cope with some emotional feelings I am having in my relationship. Sorry for how long winded this post is but I appreciate your insight. (Also reposted this in this sub forum as it fits this discussion more than General Relationship Discussion)

 

I'm a 21 year old male in a relationship with my 19 year old girlfriend. We've been dating for 5 months and we are both extremely happy with where our relationship is. I've honestly never felt so strongly about someone and she makes me smile every day. After many years of dating casually I never thought I'd find someone that clicked with me so well. I want to be in it for the long run.

 

With that said I have struggled at times with her sexual past. Before this relationship I had experienced a handful of dates and a couple small relationships. Sexually I was a virgin yet had experienced intimacy on a lighter level with a few people. I had never loved someone though nor felt as strongly as I do about her.

 

Comparatively my girlfriends history is the flipped switch of mine. She had never experienced dating or a real date previous to us being together. Counter to that though her sexual past is a lot more expansive than mine. This in many ways is the factor of our out of high school situations. I went to community college while working and living at home initially. Whereas she lived in University res for a year and played varsity sports. In short our circles were vastly different and that led to different lifestyles and experiences.

 

I initially was intimidated by her sexual experience. Being someone who had never experienced much intimacy hearing her talk about stories that involved funny party hookups and sexual encounters made me feel uneasy (I have since told her this and it's made this initial situation a lot more manageable). In the first 2 months I'd have small moments of wondering who she might of slept with and how many people she might have been intimate with. It was never prevailing but each time it happened I'd get a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

Since this time we had a discussion about a "ballpark" of her past (around 10). Which I regretted in asking but put me at ease in some way. To preface each partner she had sex with was either a one night stand or a casual sex partner.

 

I was able to move on from the whole situation a bit and have rarely felt any anxiety towards her sexual past.. until this past week.

 

A few days ago we were reminiscing about our first date and our reactions to the experience. One thing led to another and we were looking at her best friends text chat convo history from after the date. She immediately became distressed at the notion and wanted to screen the conversation before letting me read it which made me feel uneasy. I asked what was wrong and she explained that she didn't want me to see anything that might hurt me. That sinking feeling came back and I asked what she was hiding from me. After a bit more back and forth on the situation she finally explained to me what she didn't want to share.

 

This was the fact that after our first date the next night she got "blackout drunk" at a party and slept with someone. It was something she explained that she felt guilt and regret for immediately at that time. I handled the situation well as she was upset while explaining it. She explained her guilt about the situation and I reciprocated with my honest feelings of comfort for her. I understood that this happened before we were serious and I knew this had nothing to do with the feelings we felt for each other today.

 

Regardless though I felt hurt from finding this out. Knowing that someone else had slept with her within our dating relationship didn't sit well with me. I feel like I would of brushed it off more if it had been days before but knowing it had happened the night after our first date made me sick to my stomach. It also ties into how special we both felt the first date was. Out of all the dates I had been on to that point it blew each of them out of the water and we shared this same emotion for how amazing it was.

 

It's been 3 days since we had this conversation and I haven't been able to shake going into a negative place from time to time. Whenever I've been with her since it's been amazing as usual but when alone I have dipped into negative thought patterns that makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I don't want to feel this way as I know how good our relationship is now and that this is the past not the present.. What can I do to overcome these feelings?

 

Thanks!

[Keke1]

You all weren't together after the 1st date right?

[LostOnes05]

Let's get some perspective on this...so the first date was so amazing and you were both so shocked at how well you clicked, that the next night she got blackout out drunk and had sex with someone else? She wasn't trying to set up another date? That would unsettle anyone's stomach bro! And casual sex partners...what is that? a new brand of shoes? How does that conversation go. "hey, I'm writing a paper, what are you doing?" -"nothing, want to have sex?"-"let me just finish this paragraph". It's a little troubling to me that you said all of her sexual experiences have been one night stands or casual partners, that's all.

 

Now I said all of that to ask this...Has she ever gone out while you were dating, without you, and gotten that drunk again? If not, then accept the past as the past and move forward if you love her and she loves you. Now, if your sitting there pondering the last party she went to by herself, you may want to have a serious, and mature conversation with her about drinking to that degree. It will save both of you a lot of trouble later on. Don't be blind to actions that may disturb you...deal with them immediately so a) you don't harbor any resentment towards her and b) you don't look like a doormat.

 

With that said, enjoy your budding relationship and be happy if she makes you so!

[Brydk]

You all weren't together after the 1st date right?

 

We didn't officially become a "couple" til our 3rd date. Which was about a week and a half later.

[Brydk]

Let's get some perspective on this...so the first date was so amazing and you were both so shocked at how well you clicked, that the next night she got blackout out drunk and had sex with someone else? She wasn't trying to set up another date? That would unsettle anyone's stomach bro! And casual sex partners...what is that? a new brand of shoes? How does that conversation go. "hey, I'm writing a paper, what are you doing?" -"nothing, want to have sex?"-"let me just finish this paragraph". It's a little troubling to me that you said all of her sexual experiences have been one night stands or casual partners, that's all.

 

Now I said all of that to ask this...Has she ever gone out while you were dating, without you, and gotten that drunk again? If not, then accept the past as the past and move forward if you love her and she loves you. Now, if your sitting there pondering the last party she went to by herself, you may want to have a serious, and mature conversation with her about drinking to that degree. It will save both of you a lot of trouble later on. Don't be blind to actions that may disturb you...deal with them immediately so a) you don't harbor any resentment towards her and b) you don't look like a doormat.

 

With that said, enjoy your budding relationship and be happy if she makes you so!

 

My birthday was actually 4 days later and I asked her on the date if she'd like to come out. She said yes that night and as you might expect it went great. So yeah that makes the situation feel hurtful because of the feelings attached.

 

That may make it sound worse but in fairness to her I meant to say her sexual partners were not serious. Casual sex was something she said she tried once and it failed miserably. A lot of those emotions expressed as we've talked about were coming from the perspective of hooking up or trying to find someone who cared for her.

 

I went about it in the exact opposite manner. Asking girls on dates and trying to find someone who would be special too me.

 

Both of us took different roads in finding someone who cared about us but in the end we were both looking for the same thing. Someone who actually cared and loved us.

 

In all honesty I fully trust her now. Events we normally go out together and I haven't felt the slightest doubt of worrying.

 

Most of my actual anxiety has come from thinking of the person beforehand.. and what would happen if we were to be separate (which sounds silly when put into words).

 

With that said I appreciate your feedback. At the very least I know this has happened and will have to live with it. It's not a deal breaker to me but also I don't want to dwell on the thought of it. It'll be something I can remember though for good and bad going ahead.

[Keke1]

You all were not together at the time man. Makes no sense to be mad about it. Dont stew on that man. Has she cheated on you since you both were official? If you say you are with her let the past stay there regarding her sexual exploits. You were tested beforehand anyway right?

[giblesp]

If your first date was nothing more than just friends, then she was free to do what she wanted.

 

If it was a date where there was an exchange of energy between you that was above friendship, then I would end the relationship.

 

Personally, if I went on a date with a girl and she slept with a stranger the next night, I'd be out the door very quickly.

[giblesp]

 

That may make it sound worse but in fairness to her I meant to say her sexual partners were not serious. Casual sex was something she said she tried once and it failed miserably. A lot of those emotions expressed as we've talked about were coming from the perspective of hooking up or trying to find someone who cared for her.

 

 

People have casual sex for one reason. The thrill of having sex with a stranger. Women don't do it because they are looking for someone who care for them. In that case, they will date and get to know someone first.

 

Its no big deal, I've done it on occasion and many people have. But don't accept a 'poor little girl looking for love so I slept with strangers,' story.

 

Look, what she's done in the past is her past and leave it like that. Only thing to focus on, is her ONS when she was dating you. Like I said, I'd be out of there.

[LostOnes05]

Yea bro, no problem! I just wanted to give you another perspective of someone far removed from the situation. Plus I hate to see good people get the wool pulled over their eyes because they care about someone. No one can really tell you how to feel about it, but always trust your gut! If something feels fishy 9/10 times it is. And like I said, if you guys love each other move past it as best you can. But remember that being in love doesn't mean you should be blind!

 

Best wishes bro!

[ExpatInItaly]

Diverging from the topic at hand somewhat, I have to ask: was she using protection with these guys?

[ktya]

You werent technically exclusive when she got drunk and laid. You hadnt had sex with her by that point so exclusivity could not be implied even.

 

What she did was somewhat in poor taste but it was not cheating.

 

You need to let go of her sexual history before she was with you and if you break up with this girl one day do not go looking for all those details ever again.

 

Todays culture at your ages about sex is pretty hookup oriented. Plus women all have their phase where they are little sluts until they chill out.

 

Focus on the sex shes having with you, not the sex shes had with someone else. Because if you focus on the sex shes had with someone else shes probably going to reminisce about how fun it was to just be free and not have this guy peppering her with 20 questions and go back to that lifestyle.

[lolablue17]

I understand your sensitivity.

 

But I advice you to learn from it and to see beyond it. I personally know people who can not get over these kind of things, it's like a mosquito buzzing in their ear and they deal with that feeling for years!!!

 

They become unhappy and for what?! because of insignificant thing here or there (your GF's one night stand), they just ruin their self and they cant control their emotions. it always starts as a small issue like yours, and then it grows and grows until it becomes uncontrollable.

 

Just drop it. you love her for what she is, including her past. you dont want a perfect GF, belive me.

Edited June 22, 2014 by lolablue17

[jbelle6]

I'm not into one night stands personally, and I know that like you OP, my number will be a lot lower than my partners will be. This is why I don't ask. I just need to know that they take care of their sexual health before I am with them in that way and I figure that's all that is my business. To me it's not fair to hold a guys past over his head and judge him.

 

I also am very against cheating, but I don't think what your girl did was cheating. It's not something I'd do and you can call it all kinds of things, just not cheating since you all weren't together in a relationship yet.

 

Let it go if you care about her, I hope she doesn't get stupid drunk like that anymore though. Not safe for a girl.