Default I can't stand that the girl I really like is engaged. I have extreme hatred f

[extremis]

I have hatred toward her fiance

 

there is this tutor I worked with in college for my math class. She is about 28 and I am 22. One thing I notice My class ended but I still see her around a lot on campus and we chat a lot. I have asked questions about this situation before. I realize I have a big crush on her and think about her a lot, but I have zero chance with her because she is engaged and she is older. But despite that I have developed some kind of obsession with her. I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over

 

 

and the biggest thing, i keep thinking about the next time I see her, I am constantly planning everything about that next time, like exactly what to say or talk about. I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her. I also feel really mad and jealous I can't get with her

 

the days I have seen her have been the main highlights for me for this entire year, every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her.

 

honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself

 

 

is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon? This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls

Edited June 22, 2014 by extremis

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You need professional help right now. This is not normal, this is not right, and it honestly sounds like you might pose a threat to this poor woman (and her fiance's) safety. She is not interested and you will never be with her. Please see a counselor immediately.

[Smarty Pants]

Dude seriously this is so creepy. Your other posts are all about this same girl who is engaged.

 

If she read the things you wrote, she would probably file a restraining order.

 

You need to talk to somebody in real life about this because it is not healthy.

 

If I were you, I'd stop talking to her. This will only end badly and I fear for this girls safely.

 

Please seek help.

[d0nnivain]

You will probably benefit from anger management classes.

 

 

Some jealousy or longing might be in order but the intensity you are describing is dangerous.

[preraph]

It's easy to obsess over someone, but it is a huge waste of time you will kick yourself for sometime down the road. Sounds like you took her initial ease with you patting your shoulder as something more personal at first, maybe. Some people are just touchy feely with everyone.

 

If you have the resources, it would be good to find out why you are obsessing for no good reason on this lady. Sometimes it has to do with self-esteem issues, sometimes with just plain old obsessive tendencies. It's certainly a good thing to have examined by a psychologist while you're young and can learn what causes it and maybe how to change it.

 

I used to be quite obsessive at your age, too. I had to get hurt really bad to motivate me to acquire some skills to refocus myself. It took discipline. I would literally have to interrupt my own thoughts anytime I had thoughts about him and remind myself he isn't interested and made myself think of two bad things about him for every good thing I was missing. It was hard but it did work pretty well. At least well enough that I refocused on someone else pretty soon. It's about self-control. And if it's self-esteem, it's about finding out why you so need this other person to feel worthy and keep thinking if only they were mine, life would be good, which is rarely the case!

[extremis]

people say I need to talk to a therapist or something but I am too nervous to talk to one. For one thing my parents could then find out,and secondly the therapist might think I am weird or being petty or even might overreact and call the police or something. Isn't there any other way to deal with this problem. Or will it just go away eventually?

[somedude81]

Isn't there any other way to deal with this problem. Or will it just go away eventually?

 

You need to stop all contact with her.

 

Your obsession is unhealthy.

[d0nnivain]

people say I need to talk to a therapist or something but I am too nervous to talk to one. For one thing my parents could then find out,and secondly the therapist might think I am weird or being petty or even might overreact and call the police or something. Isn't there any other way to deal with this problem. Or will it just go away eventually?

 

The therapist won't think you are weird. It's the therapist's job to help people who need help. Therapy is protected by a legal privilege meaning that unless the doctor thinks you are a danger to yourself or others -- a really high hurdle -- the therapist cannot divulge what you say to anyone, not your parents (even if they pay the bill) & not the police.

 

Please, please, please talk to someone.

[pteromom]

Isn't there any other way to deal with this problem.

 

I agree that therapy is what you need.

 

But if you aren't ready and you want to try to overcome this on your own, you can TRY.

 

But it will take a lot of personal strength and commitment.

 

- You have to go completely NO CONTACT with her. No matter how much it hurts you, you can't see her or talk to her. Just take it off the table as an option.

 

- You need to come up with something to take the place of her in your head. It isn't enough to try to stop thinking about her. You have to replace it with something else - a hobby, a project, learning a new language, something. Something that will take up a lot of your time and energy.

 

- Then, you just have to commit to retraining your brain.

 

When you feel hatred toward the fiance, think "I care about her and want her to be happy. If he makes her happy, then I have to let go and wish them the best."

 

When you obsess over her, stop yourself from thinking about her and remind yourself that she is not interested in you, and do something else.

 

If you find yourself daydreaming about her, turn it negative. In a way that would make her less appealing to you, that is. So if you are imagining kissing her, instead of imagining it as some magical perfect moment, imagine that she lets out a huge smelly burp during the kiss. If you imagine sleeping with her, imagine that she takes off your clothes then laughs at your penis and turns mean. If you are imagining how great life would be like with her, imagine that she is nagging you constantly and criticizing you. Imagine her having horrible chronic butt smell. Even watch movies that have mean female characters and imagine her face on them.

 

If you won't see a therapist, it is worth a try.

 

But a therapist won't laugh at you or think your problem is petty. They want to help - it's why they do what they do.

[extremis]

Never see her again? No way. I can maybe end the obsession, but no way will never see her again. at least until she leaves or something for good, when I see her, I feel extremely happy. She is one of the only girls that has actually come up to me and socialized with me and I like her a lot (she is my type ) and I feel constantly thinking and in horror at the idea of her forgetting about me and jealous of the other people she gets to interact with on a daily basis. and the idea of never seeing her again just kills me. The last time I saw her I actually felt happy and I think it actually made feel a little less obsessive

[somedude81]

The therapist won't think you are weird. It's the therapist's job to help people who need help. Therapy is protected by a legal privilege meaning that unless the doctor thinks you are a danger to yourself or others -- a really high hurdle -- the therapist cannot divulge what you say to anyone, not your parents (even if they pay the bill) & not the police.

 

Please, please, please talk to someone.

 

A therapist has to report him to the police if he/she believes that he will hurt somebody or themselves.

[somedude81]

Never see her again? No way. I can maybe end the obsession, but no way will never see her again. at least until she leaves or something for good, when I see her, I feel extremely happy. She is one of the only girls that has actually come up to me and socialized with me and I like her a lot (she is my type ) and I feel constantly thinking and in horror at the idea of her forgetting about me and jealous of the other people she gets to interact with on a daily basis. and the idea of never seeing her again just kills me. The last time I saw her I actually felt happy and I think it actually made feel a little less obsessive

 

You will never end the obsession as long as you are around her.

 

The first step you need to take is to stop seeing her.

[d0nnivain]

A therapist has to report him to the police if he/she believes that he will hurt somebody or themselves.

 

The therapist patient privilege is a very high standard. To break privilege the therapist must have an objective medical opinion that the patient is a danger to himself or others.

 

OP do not fear that your therapist will call the police after your 1st session.

[pteromom]

Never see her again? No way. I can maybe end the obsession, but no way will never see her again.

 

Well, then, no, you can't likely end this obsession on your own.

 

The last time I saw her I actually felt happy and I think it actually made feel a little less obsessive

 

If that is true, then see if that trend continues, but you are just feeding yourself on false hope.

[extremis]

Like I said she is one of only a couple girls that actually socialize with me. So other people can socialize with tons of girls but I can't even have one girl acquaintance? No, that is not right. The obsession, of course is important to end and that is why I am asking for advice, but never seeing her again? No that will never happen.

[pteromom]

Never see her again? No way.

 

Also, this proves that you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to end your obsession. Your obsession with her is obviously working for you on some level, and you don't WANT to end it.

[d0nnivain]

You can have lots of girl acquaintances. You can have Girlfriends & maybe even a wife some day. It's just a bad idea for you to socialize with her until you get your rage under control.

[lollipopspot]

I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself

 

If you are having serious thoughts about this and might do something, then any risk or reality of getting help far outweighs acting on an overwhelming feeling.

 

If you act on it, you may spend your life in prison or worse. If you try to get help and other people get involved, which is very unlikely...the most important result is that you get help and still have your life to live. They wouldn't put you in prison for your thoughts, they would get you to a doctor and at worst put you in a psych hold until you were a bit better. That would only be if you were in the real planning stages of doing some harm though. Do you know how many people get cheated on, go to a therapist and express extreme rage and even murderous feelings towards their unfaithful partner? People express very strong feelings all the time, but unless they are seriously planning to act them out, the therapist will just deal with them as feelings. You can find a therapist who understands strong feelings, and that you need to express them and get through them. When you are looking, you can even tell them that you are looking for someone to help you get over your extremely hateful feelings, and need them to deal with it on that level.

[preraph]

people say I need to talk to a therapist or something but I am too nervous to talk to one. For one thing my parents could then find out,and secondly the therapist might think I am weird or being petty or even might overreact and call the police or something. Isn't there any other way to deal with this problem. Or will it just go away eventually?

 

Oh, no, please rest assured that psychologists, much like priests at confession, cannot ever tell anyone about your visit without your permission. The only circumstance one may have an obligation to act would be the immediate danger of suicide or homicide. And it would have to be like you really made a plan, not just you saying you feel like it. Don't let the confidentiality keep you from getting a therapist. That's what they're for. They're someone smart you can talk to who can guide you about things you might not tell anyone else.

[Try]

honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces.

You have it backwards. In the real world, he is not the other guy, you are. To her you are just a friend, whereas the fiance is the love of her life. She is engaged to him for a reason. They have decided to spend the rest of their lives together. This is her choice and has nothing to do with what you want her to do. It is unhealthy that you see her as an object, rather than as a person that has a right to feel and choose their own path in life.

 

I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself

This is why you need help. What you are thinking is irrational. The fact that you do not know why this is irrational is why you do not have real women of your own in your life. Therapy will not only help you address your obsession with this woman, but will also help you be the type of person that someone would want to be in love with.

[extremis]

I just can't stand that I don't see her as much as I used too. I also realize that I really want her fiance to die. If I hear he died I wouldn't care one bit. I would be happy.

[d0nnivain]

I just can't stand that I don't see her as much as I used too. I also realize that I really want her fiance to die. If I hear he died I wouldn't care one bit. I would be happy.

 

 

It hurts & it's sad when you get rejected. However, she is moving on with her life & you can't stop it. Now you have to work on moving on with your life.

 

Being OK with him dying is also a far cry from wanting to murder him.

 

Feelings like that scare me so I trained myself to redirect those dark thoughts. I wish things like the other person gets stuck in an elevator; the phone rings when they get in the shower; they run out of toilet paper after they have started & there's no one home, . . . basically life's annoyances ten fold. It's petty & silly but it always makes me feel better with no actual harm to anyone.

[GorillaTheater]

I just can't stand that I don't see her as much as I used too. I also realize that I really want her fiance to die. If I hear he died I wouldn't care one bit. I would be happy.

 

I think you need to specifically detail your feelings in a long, signed letter, and give the letter to this woman.

[pteromom]

I just can't stand that I don't see her as much as I used too. I also realize that I really want her fiance to die. If I hear he died I wouldn't care one bit. I would be happy.

 

...but that would break her heart.

 

When you care about someone, you want them to be happy, not heartbroken.

[notserene]

I think you need to specifically detail your feelings in a long, signed letter, and give the letter to this woman.

 

Well, that will certainly enable OP to stay away from her since he will probably be in jail.