Greggers Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 It's 3 AM and I still can't sleep. I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a woman I love very deeply. The relationship stared off with a bang and we quickly moved in together. Within weeks she was pushing me to get married, which was exiting at first but became very scary. During this time, she finally landed a good job the paid very well and became very stressed and we began to fight. We fought to the point where I have cried at 5 nice restaurants over silly reasons. Then things really got bad. She lost her job and I took over to pay the mortgage and bills and as much food as I could till she could get back onto her feet. I knew she was stronger than taking handouts from me, but I instead asked her to sell things for me on ebay and allowed her to keep the money. She became very depressed and downright mean to me, but I loved her nonetheless. She crept back inside a shell, our sex life dropped to near 0 and she gained weight by watching tv all day. I bought a gym membership to encourage her to work out with me and begin to build self esteem. I bought ski passes and all the equipment she would need and dragged her out snowboarding. Finally, I had enough and told her I didn't want to be together anymore. Late that night she appeared in my room naked and we slept together. We resumed the relationship which continued to make me feel drained and empty. I went snowboarding without her one day and met a group of cute but inexperienced snowboarders. My girlfriend had left town to try to reconcile a relationship with her stepfather who beat her from a young age and sexually abused her. I felt I needed an excuse to leave and I wanted to burn a bridge in the relationship. The next day, 2 of the girls asked me to spend time out at bars. I left and eventually slept with one of the girls. Even during the act, I felt incredibly guilty and miserable. When my girlfriend came back, instead of being lost she charged forward and we experienced a revival in our relationship. She asked me if anything happened while she was away and like a coward I told her no. Eventually, I helped her begin a new career at my work that she is extremely passionate about. Unfortunately, we work opposite shifts which has had a major negative impact on the relationship. Each of us tried breaking up with the other only to fall back the next day or sometimes within a few hours, usually by her showing up in my room and initiating sex. Months rolled by and passion waned. We hadn't had sex in weeks, and intimacy was at an all time low. I tried breaking up with her for good but realized the next day (not from her showing up naked in my room, but rather seeing the wonderful person she can be). She broke up with me 2 weeks later by saying that she didn't want to be together but she wasn't sure if we'd get back together. That week, she made me dinner nearly every night. She changed in front of me. The next weekend she went out on a bachelorette party and began asking me to sleep with someone else. I asked her if she had slept with anyone and she told me no. She had asked to still come to my twin brothers wedding which was tonight. Torn, I decided to bring her to the wedding. She went out with my brothers wife for the bachelorette party and came with me to the rehearsal dinner last night. We shared baths together, I paid for things, and we held each other. After leaving the party she told me that she had slept with a bartender the night of the bachelorette party. I was crushed, but decided I could finally tell her the truth about me cheating on her. She was upset, more so about lying than the cheating. I was ashamed and have tried apologizing profusely. We had a long discussion last night that ended up hurting both of us, but somehow ended up with great sex. Tonight we went to the wedding and my family finally began to fall in love with her and vice versa. She told me that she no longer wanted to move out but wanted to work on things together. Then I found her texting the guy she had slept with and lost my temper and yelled at her during the reception which embarrassed both of us. I was very hurt that she would consider texting him while out with me when she knew how much I was hurting. She replied that she was cutting of the relationship and I was being an ass. We fought, and on the ride home she texted the other guy all the way home, leaving me very hurt. She's still holding me lying to her over my head. I do see an immense amount if love in a very very tumultuous relationship. I'm lost and confused, and albeit the very logical decision (way back at moving in together too early) is to cut ties and run. But my love is simply too deep. Can that love be strong enough to bring someone back and have the authentic relationship that we both want? I'm considering couples counseling and will suggest that to her in the morning. What thoughts do you have? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 The relationship is dead in the water. You're both liars and cheaters and there is no honesty and trust. There is, however, a lot of drama and pain. I'd be done. You say your love is too deep, but apparently it wasn't deep enough when you chose to have sex with someone else. Same goes for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 OP, I understand you are distraught, but i have one word for you. Paragraphs. Please use them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 When you've been both betrayed and a cheater, you're known as a 'madhatter.' In this case, you're both madhatters. In order to reconcile, you're going to have to be truly remorseful and fully transparent (your life is now an open book). And you'll have to do all of that for someone you don't trust. And so does she. And both people have to be truly forgiving. It's a super duper tall order with an extra sh_t sandwich on the side and it's exponentially more difficult than when just one person has cheated (and by the way, few of those reconciliations work out). Your first big hurdle is to stop comparing whose cheating was worse. That means both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Omg this is like the worst relationship ever and it's not even a year old!!! Next time don't move in with a complete stranger. Your relationship is doomed, it's built on lies and cheating and disrespect and frankly you probably don't even really know each other even to this day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I doubt there's love involved, I guess you're just starting to become co-dependant or try to win her over again. Either way, this relationship is dead. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Ugh, what a clusterfnck... I think you're with each other bc neither of you can fathom a quiet, easy life without the other. Makes me appreciate my being single very much right now Do you still see anything in her? If yes, and if you're being completely honest with yourself, could you see how this mess can be redeemed? Honestly, I can't see it, but maybe you can. Oh, I second ktya's call for paragraphs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts