My affair is destroying me

[Marieclaire]

OMG Mariclaire. Do NOT laugh along with him when he puts you down! The next time he tries that crap, tell him to NEVER talk to you again and NEVER insult you again and I would even think this might be considered harassment in the workplace. This makes me SO mad for you! What a piece of garbage this man is, but you need to never ever EVER let him talk that way to you again!

 

Thing is, I listen to myself as I respond to his put-me-downs and know that I appear weak and pathetic. One time I went to the loos and started crying after I laughed it off (the Braille comment).

However I heard him boasting about it later on to people about how funny it was. I did then turn round and shout at him saying how hurtful it was etc and how there is something wrong with him if he can't see that.

 

Trouble is he can't and he still laughs if it ever comes up in conversation now.

[Marieclaire]

But you allow him to do so, and then decide to sleep with him, and then you say you feel bad for playing with his emotions. Yet, feel strong emotional feelings towards him. It is mind boggling.

 

When you put it like that, I can't not agree.

 

I guess part of the reason I feel bad is because I feel sorry for him. I know he's lonely and wants a girlfriend. He doesn't take care of himself etc, and has this massive personality to clearly make up for his insecurities.

 

That's why I feel bad.

[whichwayisup]

His comments say much more about him than you. He has serious issues with self-esteem as well, or he would not be putting you down. He probably senses that you are an easy target and won't fight back. I would tell him where to go. Ughh!

 

Exactly! Your (ex) MM is one who gives backhanded compliments and it's cruel on purpose. To make you feel like shi.t so HE can feel better about himself.

 

The guy is a CANCER, really he is! You on some level Marie, have built him up to be someone he isn't and those feeling he's made you feel are unhealthy and based on an affair setting, it's not real. It's addictive and you let yourself get too emotionally attached. See him for who he is, a real schmuck who isn't worth your tears or thoughts in your head. I hope soon you can cut him out of your life on all levels and only deal with him in a business/professional way at work. Ignore him from now on, block him on your email and cell.

[Marieclaire]

Exactly! Your (ex) MM is one who gives backhanded compliments and it's cruel on purpose. To make you feel like shi.t so HE can feel better about himself.

 

The guy is a CANCER, really he is! You on some level Marie, have built him up to be someone he isn't and those feeling he's made you feel are unhealthy and based on an affair setting, it's not real. It's addictive and you let yourself get too emotionally attached. See him for who he is, a real schmuck who isn't worth your tears or thoughts in your head. I hope soon you can cut him out of your life on all levels and only deal with him in a business/professional way at work. Ignore him from now on, block him on your email and cell.

 

Thank you. You have no idea how helpful that is to hear.

 

Although my colleagues love him, they do often joke that I think way too much of him, so that's definitely true.

 

Thank you.

[Realist3]

When you put it like that, I can't not agree.

 

I guess part of the reason I feel bad is because I feel sorry for him. I know he's lonely and wants a girlfriend. He doesn't take care of himself etc, and has this massive personality to clearly make up for his insecurities.

 

That's why I feel bad.

 

WHAT????????? Why do you need to feel any way towards him? He is not your husband.

 

If he truly had this massive personality he wouldn't be lonely; women would be beating down his door.

[Marieclaire]

WHAT????????? Why do you need to feel any way towards him? He is not your husband.

 

If he truly had this massive personality he wouldn't be lonely; women would be beating down his door.

 

Maybe most women see this massive personality as dick-ish behaviour?! Whereas I am stupid and read into it. I think he's probably really insecure and feel sorry for him as a result.

 

Ironically, if the ONS had been with some stereotypically attractive man-about-the-town type, it would be much easier to get over because that guy has confidence and I know it meant nothing to him...he could have anyone.

 

This guy though, he's massively overweight (sorry if that's rude to say) and takes no care in his appearance. Therefore I think him sleeping with me must have been a big deal for him as he doesn't have much attention etc or confidence... So I guess that's why I feel bad.

 

I don't know if I making myself clear, it's silly because ally of this is based in appearances rather than the person!!!

[Leelou]

Marieclaire you might want to read Sandra Brown's book on "How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved".

 

And also read the (free) articles on her website, which you can look up if you type saferelationshipsmagazine. com

 

Find the article that explains "women with Supertraits" which describes you to a T. That may help you understand how you slept with your OM and how you feel attracted to him.

[Marieclaire]

Marieclaire you might want to read Sandra Brown's book on "How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved".

 

And also read the (free) articles on her website, which you can look up if you type saferelationshipsmagazine. com

 

Find the article that explains "women with Supertraits" which describes you to a T. That may help you understand how you slept with your OM and how you feel attracted to him.

 

 

Wow. Really helpful. Thank you!!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. You have no idea how helpful that is to hear.

 

Although my colleagues love him, they do often joke that I think way too much of him, so that's definitely true.

 

Thank you.

 

You're welcome. Nobody is perfect and he certainly is far from it. As time goes along you'll see more of his flaws and see him in a negative way rather than the king chair you him up on. He is kind of ... Gross! Focus on the ick factor, get angry not sad and make yourself get over him.

[whichwayisup]

When you put it like that, I can't not agree.

 

I guess part of the reason I feel bad is because I feel sorry for him. I know he's lonely and wants a girlfriend. He doesn't take care of himself etc, and has this massive personality to clearly make up for his insecurities.

 

That's why I feel bad.

 

He's a grown man, an adult! He doesn't take care or look after himself, that's his own doing! He isn't a child though he sounds like a 'man child' and quite immature.

 

If he is lonely, he can hang with friends or family members, or he can get a dog! It isn't your responsibility to entertain him, look out for him or be there for him.

 

Don't feel bad, if anything, feel pity for him and be glad the A is over. he sounds dramatic and high maitanence!

[road]

For a start, he doesn't live on his own. All his housemates were there.

 

Secondly, prior to my husband, I spent years of my life sleeping with men I am not attracted to and being used and abused by them. Believe me, if your self confidence is low enough, it is possible.

 

My co-worker doesn't care in the slightest about it. I have tried talking to him but he really doesn't care/want to know, he just behaves as before. When he was drunk He did text me telling me he was lonely though and that's why it happened and he's sorry I am victim to it.

 

As regards to leaving my job comments, believe me when I tell you that I can't. I don't wish to discuss my job situation in detail but if I leave now I will be throwing away years of training and will get no qualification as a result. Please believe that and please don't tell me to leave my job because it really isn't an option. If I could, I would, believe me!!

 

 

 

You start over and train somewhere else.

[DKT3]

You start over and train somewhere else.

 

My younger brother took a break during med school and picked back up in the next term. It can be done if there is a will. Its just my opinion, but it sounds like a bunch of excuses that we have all seen here over and over again. I think OP is interested in maintaining both relationships. Its kinda odd that she keeps calling a one night stand an affair.

 

Op I think its time you get honest with yourself. Only then will you start to work yourself through this mess you have created. You say that your husband wants you to finish, but this is with him not having the full truth. I'm sure he thinks that your not in contact with AP or having the emotional connection that you have.

[aliveagain]

People with self esteem issues tend to look for affair partners with more issues than themselves, they affair down. What are you doing to help your husband with the pain your infidelity has caused him? You haven't said too much about what he is going through? Most women see your other man for what he is, a dick. Why do you give a sh*t what he thinks, your not married to him, he's the POS that's helping you destroy your relationship with your husband. One of them has to disappear. Why is that such tough a decision to make? You need to decide what is more important in your life, what will you miss the most if you lost it? Have you been tested, you didn't answer my earlier question, my guess is because no protection was used.

 

You need to start to see other man for what he really is.

[Hope Shimmers]

My younger brother took a break during med school and picked back up in the next term. It can be done if there is a will. Its just my opinion, but it sounds like a bunch of excuses that we have all seen here over and over again. I think OP is interested in maintaining both relationships. Its kinda odd that she keeps calling a one night stand an affair.

 

Op I think its time you get honest with yourself. Only then will you start to work yourself through this mess you have created. You say that your husband wants you to finish, but this is with him not having the full truth. I'm sure he thinks that your not in contact with AP or having the emotional connection that you have.

 

DKT3, I have gone through med school and a post-doc both. I can tell you that lots of people take a year off from med school - that's no big deal because you just pick up where you left off. But it is a completely different story with a post-doc, because a post-doc is a position that you are CHOSEN for and you usually have a very intense research project that encompasses several years. You can't just "transfer" somewhere else because post-docs are awarded to specific individuals - they are not like a job with job openings. If she were to quit a post-doc early for any reason, the likelihood of her getting another one is slim to none after leaving her first one, plus she would lose all the previous project or research work.

 

I get that people who haven't been there think it should be easy to just get another post-doc, but it really isn't.

[DKT3]

DKT3, I have gone through med school and a post-doc both. I can tell you that lots of people take a year off from med school - that's no big deal because you just pick up where you left off. But it is a completely different story with a post-doc, because a post-doc is a position that you are CHOSEN for and you usually have a very intense research project that encompasses several years. You can't just "transfer" somewhere else because post-docs are awarded to specific individuals - they are not like a job with job openings. If she were to quit a post-doc early for any reason, the likelihood of her getting another one is slim to none after leaving her first one, plus she would lose all the previous project or research work.

 

I get that people who haven't been there think it should be easy to just get another post-doc, but it really isn't.

What's the point of postdoc fellow? The same can be gained with a paid teaching postition that allows the research. The ability to gain funding vs marriage life & husband.

 

Bottom line is what's more important, right now she is saying its the job. She made the decision to cheat, and put herself in this situation. Now tough decision have to be made. Staying around and in daily contact with ap will end her marriage, I think will all know this

[Hope Shimmers]

What's the point of postdoc fellow? The same can be gained with a paid teaching postition that allows the research.

 

Not even remotely true, at least in my case and most cases I know. I need a post-doc for my practice career and a paid teaching position typically requires a post-doc to even acquire it. I would literally not have a career now had I quit mine mid-way. It's not about funding - that's something you worry about AFTER a post-doc and if you end up in an academic setting doing research.

 

In any other job situation I would agree with you that she should quit. But I don't agree that not quitting automatically means future disaster.

[Bootsie]

DKT3, ..

 

I get that people who haven't been there think it should be easy to just get another post-doc, but it really isn't.

 

 

No it's not easy I agree. Perhaps both you and the OP think it is easier in this case, to get another marriage. Because it may well come to that.

[Hope Shimmers]

No it's not easy I agree. Perhaps both you and the OP think it is easier in this case, to get another marriage. Because it may well come to that.

 

Or perhaps the OP's husband's desires on this matter should be upheld as more important than any other opinion here. That's my vote.

[mikethemechanic]

NOPE! MarieClaire will not leave the verbal sadistic om with whom she has good sex with, nor will she divorce her husband here's why.Most Cheating Spouses Won't Leave Their Marriages, And Here's Why

[DKT3]

Not even remotely true, at least in my case and most cases I know. I need a post-doc for my practice career and a paid teaching position typically requires a post-doc to even acquire it. I would literally not have a career now had I quit mine mid-way. It's not about funding - that's something you worry about AFTER a post-doc and if you end up in an academic setting doing research.

 

In any other job situation I would agree with you that she should quit. But I don't agree that not quitting automatically means future disaster.

 

Never said it would be easy, but she made the decision to cheat, that may be the cost of making it right. In marriages we make decisions all the time with the spouses better being in mind. If she wants to make it happen she can. As I see it she doesn't, no to mention she is spending far too much time and enegry with and on AP for a woman claiming to be trying to cut him out of her life. Her words and actions don't match up.

 

When I walked away from my career in an effort to save my marriage I walked away from a 47 million dollar deal and can likely never return to that field. I moved on. For me it was a no brainer even after my wife cheated. I don't regret it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Never said it would be easy, but she made the decision to cheat, that may be the cost of making it right. In marriages we make decisions all the time with the spouses better being in mind. If she wants to make it happen she can. As I see it she doesn't, no to mention she is spending far too much time and enegry with and on AP for a woman claiming to be trying to cut him out of her life. Her words and actions don't match up.

 

When I walked away from my career in an effort to save my marriage I walked away from a 47 million dollar deal and can likely never return to that field. I moved on. For me it was a no brainer even after my wife cheated. I don't regret it.

 

I don't totally disagree with you DKT3 (that's kinda how you and I go, I know ), and I agree that she is spending too much time and energy on this jerk of a man. I think though, that what the OP's husband wants her to do should be paramount.

 

Actually if I were in his position I might feel uncomfortable if she had to leave her career in order to avoid being with this guy again in any intimate way. He sounds like a total loser, so to me he is NOT worth both the OP and her husband being affected for the rest of their lives if she leaves her career. He's not worth that much damage to OP and her husband, as long as her husband agrees with that. If she had to physically leave in order to avoid another physical encounter with him, that says much more negative than if she can manage to continue on with him but PUT HIM OUT OF HER LIFE.

[Speakingofwhich]

It is difficult because he is such a big personality and often dominates all conversation in the office. So as a result I feel excluded from everything.

.

 

Marieclaire, I haven't read to the end of the thread so perhaps someone else has by now mentioned this.

 

But, with your admitted low self esteem and your repeated mention of this person being hugely popular at the office do you think it's possible that conquering him (in a sense) through having sex with him made you feel you were taking away his power (social) and that's one reason you write that you messed with his feelings? His feelings of being powerful?

 

Also, is your low self esteem the result of childhood neglect or abuse?

 

An observation in reading your posts is either your low sense of emotional and/or social awareness or possibly instead your disregard of both.

 

Because (this is not meant disparagingly):

 

1. Most women realize a man's invitation to dinner, especially to a married woman whose husband is out-of-town or not invited for some reason, is suspect as a social impropriety whatever the circumstances, unless it's made by a male relative. It seems you ignored this or weren't aware of it.

 

2. Many women upon arriving at a dinner in a man's home without their husband with them and finding three men there, also, would leave, as it could become dangerous, especially with alcohol being served and also considering the disregard in which this man who invited you treats you at the office. This situation would have alarmed me for my physical safety. Either this didn't bother you or you chose to ignore your concerns.

 

3. The third reason it seems you may be overriding your emotional and/or social awareness is because it seems you have convinced yourself you played with his feelings in spite of the fact that he shows no signs of being affected by what happened.

 

Is it possible that you somehow believe (could be even in your subconscious) or believed that by bedding this popular man in your office you have conquered someone with more social power than you have and thereby you have made him a victim? Because you have in a sense, overpowered him?

 

And, though he shows no signs of believing he's been overpowered is your need for triumph in this so intense that you believe, in the absence of evidence, that you have messed with his feelings?

 

I wonder if you were overpowered sexually or some other way at some point in your early life? And if somehow by bedding men you aren't even attracted to, and especially this type of man, unattractive whom you don't even like or respect, you can somehow regain what was stolen from you by someone you didn't like, respect, or find attractive early in your life? If, indeed, that was the case?

 

And to recognize another possible dimension to it, could it be that if there was such a person earlier in your life he was someone you had emotional ties with? That would explain why you now feel emotional about a person you aren't attracted to and don't like or respect.

 

Could it be that this is your way of regaining some sort of power that you felt was taken from you earlier?

[Friskyone4u]

Let's not beat up OP. I have no doubt she will cheat again on her husband, but her husband is in la la land allowing all of this **** to go down and just being More concerned with her education and job than that her wife is working right next to a guy every day that she cheated with.

OP is being very dishonest not talking daily with her husband about the affair that she cannot now seem to extricate herself from.

Her husband will catch her again and then maybe the **** will hit the fan, but how many of the men out there would have their wife call him, tell him she's at a guys house with three men and her, and just say "OK Sweetie, have fun"

And then he is Mr Understanding when she confesses. What can be going thru his mind?

[Speakingofwhich]

OP, the reason I posted (post #100) is that it may possibly help to contribute to solving the question of the reason you made the choice to have the ONS with the person at your office thereby putting you at less risk for repeating making such a choice. And, also, helping both you and your husband be more comfortable with your keeping your job.

 

It also may change the way you regard the person at your office you made this mistake with.

 

I do believe you have the fortitude to overcome this propensity to sleep with unattractive men especially once you understand it. And I also believe you can overcome your feelings of emotional attachment to this person when you understand what is behind it. That it possibly has more to do with someone else in your life than it does with this specific person.

[littleplanet]

wow.

Tally-up:

 

 

You have to save your post-doc.

You have to save your marriage.

Your self-esteem takes a beating.

 

The thing that bothers me the most in all this is however and whyever you have any feeling at all for a man who abuses you so.

That's what I don't get.

 

I'm almost tempted to say.....in fact I will......if you were truly capable of holding him in contempt, of truly being disgusted......of even hating him (in a non-damaging way, if such a thing exists)

well then, perhaps you could get through the rest of the time you have - needing to work beside him, and not have it do you any damage at all.

 

If you never had to cast eyes (and ears) on him again, your marriage may survive, you may heal from the whole thing - and get on with your life nicely.

The sticky wicket is that you have to be constantly reminded of something that you find hard to forgive yourself for.

The irony in all of this is that your husband seems perfectly capable of forgiving you in a way that you can't.

 

You are offering far too much kindness (?) and understanding, care and concern to a man who does not deserve it in the least.

 

................as if he has become your personal Svengali?

 

I get that it's complicated as all that.

(and how it makes you feel trapped in a situation you don't feel you can get out of.)

 

Ultimately, there's two things here you don't want to lose:

- your marriage

- your career advancement

 

And this schmuck stands in your way.......or at least his presence (his very existence!) threatens the two things most important to you.

 

I'm not going to say a word about your ONS.

That's water under the bridge.

(almost) perfect people make mistakes - sometimes, horrific ones.

 

I don't know what else to offer. I find myself wishing you could figure out how to toughen up your armour against.........the source of all your anguish.

But some of that source is coming from pretty close to home (in you.)

And unless you can get some relief from that quarter...........

it's going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Which I guess is the whole point, isn't it?

 

Ah.....I want to repeat it one more time, OP.

You need to forgive yourself.

Your husband has.

The other man...............................................................

 

NEVER will !!!!