My affair is destroying me

[beach]

Were you abused as a child?

 

This man being mean and cruel to you may be your sense of normal = your family of origin.

 

If your H is nice and respectful - you may not be as attracted to him simply because it's not what you grew up with.

 

You went to the OM's house - you could have left at any time - but you didn't. You made a decision to have sex with him.

 

Every action has a reaction - this is your consequence. You feel bad - I wonder how bad your H must feel.

 

It's really too bad your H doesn't place sever and harsh consequences in place - because maybe then you might be thinking about how your H must feel instead of how you feel- or even your OM.

 

Start thinking less about your feelings and think of your husband.

 

I wish your husband had a backbone... It sucks he's SO UNDERSTANDING.

 

Your consequences haven't hurt enough to motivate you to think of others.

[37samara]

Here's what you should do IMO.

 

Do you drive to work or take rail? Listen to self help audio books on the way to work.

 

Work out or walk daily.

 

Take care of yourself, eat healthy, vitamins, sleep, hygiene.

 

Say affirmations in the shower, even if you feel dumb do it. Like "I am confident, smart, successful and beautiful" or "I am love, I am loving, I am loved".

 

Try EFT. It sounds new agey but if you want to change and improve try it. Google EFT.

 

Read and watch only positive things. Avoid negative people if possible. When you are around people or situations that are uncomfortable, say to yourself "nothing can shake me" and focus on good thoughts. Avoid fearful and worrisome thoughts.

 

Now.... Stay at your job and stay with your husband.

 

Tell him what you have learned from this. Tell him everyday what you love about him and what you are thankful for. I recommend stating a journal. Write what you want your life to be like and what you are thankful for, everyday.

 

Focus at work, do your best, dedicate yourself to your goals. This guy you slept with is a chemical and physiological addiction you CAN overcome with effort. Tell yourself this when you feel yourself slipping. Concentrate on the end of your contract.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You may be damaged now but you are absolutely fixable. Miracles are possible and you are meant to be happy and loved.

 

You may have this issue because you want to gain the attention of those who are critical and you want their approval. This probably stems from childhood. After you work on yourself as a project and love yourself, you will want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who accepts and cares for you.

 

Work on this and you will be okay. Learn from it and it, and understand that everything is temporary. I don't know what your beliefs are but I suggest meditating on who you want to be, and praying for help. Forgive yourself and I wish you well.

[revelations]

Since when am I making myself out to be the victim?

 

I know what I did to my husband was absolutely awful in every respect.

 

He is the true victim in this.

 

 

Okay I will show you how you are trying to make yourself out to be the victim.

And here is my problem - I cannot shake the man I had the affair with out of my head. I just can't get over it. I have no idea why. As I said previously he is unpleasant to me, and constantly picks and takes the mick out of my insecurities (my physical appearance, the bullying I experienced at school, my abusive ex-boyfriend, my lack of maternal instinct). Up until this point, I always assumed his behaviour towards me was just banter between friends - and I tolerated it. I have massive self esteem issues and a history of severe anxiety/depression and he knows this (not that that is an excuse in any way) and was just happy to have someone I considered a friend I guess that I could share these things with.

Right here you are saying that you had no defense and given reasons for it. You have not only chosen to sleep with a man that openly mocks you, this man continues to rent space in your head even after the ONS. Truthfully with as much as you are thinking about him you might as well still be sleeping with him.

 

 

I also feel he manipulated me to get me to end up in bed with him. He invited me over, whilst my husband was away, bought me wine, put on my favourite music. Call me naive (Christ I know I am!) but I just thought this was just him being friendly. But one thing led to another...and yeah, you get the picture.

Again, you feel manipulated into bed, hence the victim once again. This also shows that you were looking for his approval after being mocked by him. By banging the guy you have also shown that OM's approval means more to you than the commitment that you made to your husband.

 

I work next to this man - our desks are next to each other and i see him every day. Leaving is not an option as I am trying to pave an academic career and need to finish my contract. Since the night, he hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. His behaviour towards me is the same, and whilst I have tried talking to him, he doesn't care about the impact this has had on me or my husband (bear in mind he knows my husband - we've had him round for dinner a few times!). He just doesn't care. I know he's lonely, and doesn't receive a lot of female attention. I think that's the only reason he slept with me. Bizarrely I feel sorry for him.

Once again you are the victim again. You cheated on your husband with a guy that you have to work close with during your post-doc. So either way your husband is screwed, since if he tells you to quit you can use that against him later or he has to wonder about you working next to this guy all the time. However your concern seems to be with the OM not being bothered by it or changing his behavior, what did you expect flowers?

 

Now you want examples of why I feel you are crying victim well here they are above. I feel no pity for you, only for your husband that has to stay with you for now. You are the one that cheated and sometimes that cheating comes at a higher price than just loosing your husbands trust which you does not seem to trouble you much. I will also tell you that if I was in your husbands shoes I would let you complete your post-doc just simply because it will lower your chances of being able to fleece him in divorce court.

 

If you were truly looking for help you would be asking questions about what your husband is going through, why would he stay with you and even how you could make it less painful for him. The only thing you are worried about is that your OM is not acting like you want him to. I have even seen other posts were other women are telling you "business talk only" with OM and truthfully if you were concerned about your husband you would not be their at all. Yes as far as I see it, loosing your work and post-doc is part of the price you pay for what you did. However instead of doing anything like bringing your husband a post-nup saying that you will never collect alimony or any of his retirement, you complain how much of a victim you are having to work next to the OM.

 

Instead of worrying about the OM you should be worried about your BH. Even if your BH says he is okay with you staying to finish your work you should be treating it like you are asking for permission to still be seeing the OM. You should be doing everything in your power to find out what YOU should be doing to make amends to your BH. However going by your posts this is probably a completely foreign concept to you. Even the title of your thread "My affair is destroying me" is completely self-serving. You may be working on your post-doc, however you should be working on growing up. Either you or a moderator will probably flag this stating that I am mean or rude. However the truth is that I am being honest and blunt. I will say that I may feel bad for your BH, I do not think that he will be in the dark about you for very long. Eventually your own actions will wake up your BH and he will see how little you actually respect him.

[aliveagain]

Again I bring up the point that you have said very little about your betrayed husband, what he is going through other than he has agreed that you should stay at your position. You talk more about your relationship with other man than your husband. Do you get what I am trying to tell you subtly?

 

The other point I want to make is again in regards to you staying and your real reason for doing so when most married women would have left after discovering that you are the only woman and your smart enough to know your being set up because you mention the wine and your favorite music. Were the other two guys still there when the other man made his move on you? Were they there when you had sex with him?

 

Why do you refuse to talk about the pain your husband is in, is he as important to you as other man? I really don't care what your answer is but it would help us give you the advice your looking for to help you save your marriage.

[Marieclaire]

Wow.

 

Some very helpful replies and equally some cruel ones.

 

If you had any idea how bad I feel about what I have done to my husband, you really wouldn't be trying to make me feel any worse about it.

 

I love my husband so much and just desperately want this other man out of my life. Several of you have come to ridiculous conclusions - not based on anything. Firstly, one of you implied I had unprotected sex - I did not, and secondly one of you said the sex was good and that I would be back for more - it was not! It was Awful. The sex with my husband is in a completely different league. I don't like discussing these levels of personal detail but I hate the way people have come to conclusions that are based on nothing.

 

I was not abused as a child, I was however bullied and suffered years of that. I was also abusedin a previous relationship.

 

I am not trying to make myself the victim in my relationship with my husband. I just feel the only way I can get over the other man is to see him for what he really is. And if that makes me look like a victim then fine. I have never ever ever ever made myself out to be one with regards to my husband, ever.

 

I can take criticism, and I was not expecting this forum to say the things I wanted to hear, but equally I was not expecting the level of abuse I have received from others.

[Marieclaire]

Again I bring up the point that you have said very little about your betrayed husband, what he is going through other than he has agreed that you should stay at your position. You talk more about your relationship with other man than your husband. Do you get what I am trying to tell you subtly?

 

The other point I want to make is again in regards to you staying and your real reason for doing so when most married women would have left after discovering that you are the only woman and your smart enough to know your being set up because you mention the wine and your favorite music. Were the other two guys still there when the other man made his move on you? Were they there when you had sex with him?

 

Why do you refuse to talk about the pain your husband is in, is he as important to you as other man? I really don't care what your answer is but it would help us give you the advice your looking for to help you save your marriage.

 

How can I quantify the pain my husband is in?? My husband is the most important thing in my life! That's the problem!

 

But for some reason I am addicted to this other mans behaviour and I have no idea why. I just want the other man out of my life!

[Marieclaire]

Okay I will show you how you are trying to make yourself out to be the victim.

Right here you are saying that you had no defense and given reasons for it. You have not only chosen to sleep with a man that openly mocks you, this man continues to rent space in your head even after the ONS. Truthfully with as much as you are thinking about him you might as well still be sleeping with him.

 

 

Again, you feel manipulated into bed, hence the victim once again. This also shows that you were looking for his approval after being mocked by him. By banging the guy you have also shown that OM's approval means more to you than the commitment that you made to your husband.

 

Once again you are the victim again. You cheated on your husband with a guy that you have to work close with during your post-doc. So either way your husband is screwed, since if he tells you to quit you can use that against him later or he has to wonder about you working next to this guy all the time. However your concern seems to be with the OM not being bothered by it or changing his behavior, what did you expect flowers?

 

Now you want examples of why I feel you are crying victim well here they are above. I feel no pity for you, only for your husband that has to stay with you for now. You are the one that cheated and sometimes that cheating comes at a higher price than just loosing your husbands trust which you does not seem to trouble you much. I will also tell you that if I was in your husbands shoes I would let you complete your post-doc just simply because it will lower your chances of being able to fleece him in divorce court.

 

If you were truly looking for help you would be asking questions about what your husband is going through, why would he stay with you and even how you could make it less painful for him. The only thing you are worried about is that your OM is not acting like you want him to. I have even seen other posts were other women are telling you "business talk only" with OM and truthfully if you were concerned about your husband you would not be their at all. Yes as far as I see it, loosing your work and post-doc is part of the price you pay for what you did. However instead of doing anything like bringing your husband a post-nup saying that you will never collect alimony or any of his retirement, you complain how much of a victim you are having to work next to the OM.

 

Instead of worrying about the OM you should be worried about your BH. Even if your BH says he is okay with you staying to finish your work you should be treating it like you are asking for permission to still be seeing the OM. You should be doing everything in your power to find out what YOU should be doing to make amends to your BH. However going by your posts this is probably a completely foreign concept to you. Even the title of your thread "My affair is destroying me" is completely self-serving. You may be working on your post-doc, however you should be working on growing up. Either you or a moderator will probably flag this stating that I am mean or rude. However the truth is that I am being honest and blunt. I will say that I may feel bad for your BH, I do not think that he will be in the dark about you for very long. Eventually your own actions will wake up your BH and he will see how little you actually respect him.

 

You don't know me, so by saying 'your husband won't be in the dark about you for very long' is ridiculous.

[revelations]

You don't know me, so by saying 'your husband won't be in the dark about you for very long' is ridiculous.

 

It is not ridiculous at all. What I am stating is that eventually anyone will get tired of abuse and will not stand for it anymore. Oh and yes what you did was very abusive to your BH. It is not physical abuse, it is the worse type of emotional abuse you can do to someone.

 

I laid out very clearly why I feel that you are playing a victim. I can run through more of your posts showing were you are more concerned about the way your OM is acting towards you. However I can only find just recently a couple of posts were you even said anything about your BH hurting. What I have stated in my posts is not abusive nor ridiculous. I am laying out the facts as you have been stating it. I am not here to tell you what a good little girl you are for confessing and how the big bad mean OM didn't get you flowers. I am here to tell you that you can kiss your marriage goodbye eventually if you do not understand that your selfish actions almost destroyed your marriage.

 

So far all I have seen is me, me, me, I, I, I, and victim, victim, victim. So just stop it, your being very selfish and self-entitled right now. I have not seen one dang question from you on how you can help your BH heal. I have not seen one question from you on how to help your BH go through his pain. I frankly don't give a rats a$$ if you feel my post are mean and cruel. Wake up princess, you are the one who did a very cruel thing to your BH. If you have any respect for your BH at all you need to start being their for him.

 

As far as the OM goes, well that is real simple. What the OM thinks about you or acts around you should not last as long as a fart does in your mind. From what you have posted I get the impression that the OM takes up a lot of space in your head and your BH does not even have a footlocker their. You want to know why your thinking of OM so much? My best thought on that is that your trying to win the OM's approval. However you are doing that at the expense of your BH. So stop thinking of yourself only and start thinking of your BH. Figure out and also ask your BH what you can do to make him feel safe. Like I have stated before, eventually every BS will figure out that they do not deserved to be abused like this.

[italianjob]

What's really disturbing about this:

- Marieclaire doesn't want to be judged, the ONS just happened and nobody should think nothing of it. Anyway she still obsesses over the OM who didn't have to go to any extra effort to bed her. She fell for it easy and smooth, and, by the way she is talking about it, she probably will again if he will wish so. By the way she is describing her relationship with the OM as of today it looks that once he landed her that time, he somehow "owns" her.

- She has huge self esteem problems and even worse boundary issues. That coupled with her reaction to the attention of even unattractive men and what happens after she beds them, make up for a character trait that must be addressed and understood with great decison if she wants to ever be a trustable mate for any man.

- She wants to keep her marriage, keep her job, keep her social attitudes, but should maybe think about what she really wants to keep and understand that in order to keep what's on top of your list of priorities, it's often necessary to let go of something else, albeit important.

- She tells us her husband has forgiven her (I think he actually rugswept this and will come to regret it) and doesn't want her to lose her position, but I don't think he knows how much she is obsessed by OM. If he was aware of that, he would probably see that this situation needs a lot more work than just "Oh, ok, let's get over it".

 

I know this sounds a bit rude, but, frankly, I think you need to hear and feel some "rude", and be a little bit more rude on yourself, if you actually love your husband and want to save your relationship for good.

[Marieclaire]

It is not ridiculous at all. What I am stating is that eventually anyone will get tired of abuse and will not stand for it anymore. Oh and yes what you did was very abusive to your BH. It is not physical abuse, it is the worse type of emotional abuse you can do to someone.

 

I laid out very clearly why I feel that you are playing a victim. I can run through more of your posts showing were you are more concerned about the way your OM is acting towards you. However I can only find just recently a couple of posts were you even said anything about your BH hurting. What I have stated in my posts is not abusive nor ridiculous. I am laying out the facts as you have been stating it. I am not here to tell you what a good little girl you are for confessing and how the big bad mean OM didn't get you flowers. I am here to tell you that you can kiss your marriage goodbye eventually if you do not understand that your selfish actions almost destroyed your marriage.

 

So far all I have seen is me, me, me, I, I, I, and victim, victim, victim. So just stop it, your being very selfish and self-entitled right now. I have not seen one dang question from you on how you can help your BH heal. I have not seen one question from you on how to help your BH go through his pain. I frankly don't give a rats a$$ if you feel my post are mean and cruel. Wake up princess, you are the one who did a very cruel thing to your BH. If you have any respect for your BH at all you need to start being their for him.

 

As far as the OM goes, well that is real simple. What the OM thinks about you or acts around you should not last as long as a fart does in your mind. From what you have posted I get the impression that the OM takes up a lot of space in your head and your BH does not even have a footlocker their. You want to know why your thinking of OM so much? My best thought on that is that your trying to win the OM's approval. However you are doing that at the expense of your BH. So stop thinking of yourself only and start thinking of your BH. Figure out and also ask your BH what you can do to make him feel safe. Like I have stated before, eventually every BS will figure out that they do not deserved to be abused like this.

 

That's fine, I do understand where you are coming from.

 

Yes I think I do seek approval from this other man, though i have no idea why.

 

I apologise for the fact it comes across that I don't care about my husband, I honestly honestly do. It's destroying me, what I have done to him. I think you are right, I do think I need to give less of a **** of what the other man thinks of me, and care more about my husband, who is supporting me and who is amazing in every way.

 

Trouble is, last night I got a text from the other man telling me. He is depressed etc and only existing in life, is lonely....which makes it a lot harder to move on as he's still trying to grab my attention!!

[italianjob]

That's fine, I do understand where you are coming from.

 

Yes I think I do seek approval from this other man, though i have no idea why.

 

I apologise for the fact it comes across that I don't care about my husband, I honestly honestly do. It's destroying me, what I have done to him. I think you are right, I do think I need to give less of a **** of what the other man thinks of me, and care more about my husband, who is supporting me and who is amazing in every way.

 

Trouble is, last night I got a text from the other man telling me. He is depressed etc and only existing in life, is lonely....which makes it a lot harder to move on as he's still trying to grab my attention!!

 

Point one of my previous post, that's where this is headed, you should be harder and a little more judgemental on yourself for your own sake.

[aliveagain]

Hi,

 

I am in a desperate situation and really need some non-judgemental, independent help and advice.

 

I am a happily married woman in my mid to late twenties. My husband is amazing and I love him with all my heart. He is so supportive, understanding, caring, more so than I deserve. In fact there is nothing I feel I don't get from my relationship with him. I really want to stress this as I genuinely do love him - he is my partner, my lover, my best friend.

 

Recently however, I had a one night stand with a colleague at work. I have no idea why it happened. I don't even find the man involved attractive in any shape or form. In fact, I feel he is actually quite nasty and unpleasant towards me a majority of the time, yet we still ended up in bed together. I regretted it instantly, and the next morning I told my husband. Naturally he was distraught, as was I, but he decided to forgive me. We have been working on things since and I am receiving counselling to come to terms with what I have done to us.

 

And here is my problem - I cannot shake the man I had the affair with out of my head. I just can't get over it. I have no idea why. As I said previously he is unpleasant to me, and constantly picks and takes the mick out of my insecurities (my physical appearance, the bullying I experienced at school, my abusive ex-boyfriend, my lack of maternal instinct). Up until this point, I always assumed his behaviour towards me was just banter between friends - and I tolerated it. I have massive self esteem issues and a history of severe anxiety/depression and he knows this (not that that is an excuse in any way) and was just happy to have someone I considered a friend I guess that I could share these things with.

 

I also feel he manipulated me to get me to end up in bed with him. He invited me over, whilst my husband was away, bought me wine, put on my favourite music. Call me naive (Christ I know I am!) but I just thought this was just him being friendly. But one thing led to another...and yeah, you get the picture.

 

I work next to this man - our desks are next to each other and i see him every day. Leaving is not an option as I am trying to pave an academic career and need to finish my contract. Since the night, he hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. His behaviour towards me is the same, and whilst I have tried talking to him, he doesn't care about the impact this has had on me or my husband (bear in mind he knows my husband - we've had him round for dinner a few times!). He just doesn't care. I know he's lonely, and doesn't receive a lot of female attention. I think that's the only reason he slept with me. Bizarrely I feel sorry for him.

 

I have two issues - firstly, the guilt I feel towards my husband for what I have done. I hate myself for it. And just cannot shake it. Every time I look at him I remember his face and the hurt in his eyes when I told him. I know he deserves better than me. I know I do not deserve him. I want, more than anything, for things to work out. And so far, they are. My husband is amazing.

 

My second issue is that I just cannot shake the affair from my head. I cannot get over this guy. I don't fancy him in any way but I feel, since we slept together, this 'emotional attachment' towards him. Christ knows why, he doesn't care about me.

What do I do?? I am trying to hard to distance myself from him but it's so hard when we work together every day!! I work nearly 13 hour days, 5 days a week with this man. I don't have a lot of friends and i can't really talk to anyone about this.

 

Any advice you can give me would be so appreciated. This is tearing me apart.

 

Please don't judge me. I hate myself enough for what I've done without being told it.

 

Please help.

 

 

Read the bold area's over and over, the answer to your problem is in your question. You are trying to distance yourself from other man but can't, you work together 13 hours a day and leaving your job is out of the question. Do you have to work next to him, can you make other arrangements? You can't stop thinking about other man even at the risk of loosing your husband. The man insults you and your husband and you do nothing to defend yourself or your husband, would your husband defend you? The other man is showing you and everyone else how much power he has over you, you need to take that power away from him and give it back to your husband before it is too late. You were not manipulated, you knew what was going on, you were an active and willing participant so you need to stop blame shifting and accept your roll in this. You could have left a hundred times that night but instead chose to stay with other man. Who had the protection, you or other man?

 

You need to talk to your husband about his feelings, he should be your first priority not the other man. You can say what you want about how great your husband is but reading your post all I can see is me me me and other man and if I can see it so can your husband. Pull your head out of fantasy land, see other man for what he is, a predator and you are more than a willing participant because he wouldn't be a threat if you didn't allow it. Every moment this man takes in your thoughts is stolen from your husband and only makes saving your relationship with your husband that more difficult. Does your counselor have infidelity experience? If the pain in your husbands face isn't enough to stop you, I don't give you much of a chance, what if it takes loosing your husband to get you to snap out of your affair?

Edited June 23, 2014 by aliveagain

[Marieclaire]

Read the bold area's over and over, the answer to your problem is in your question. You are trying to distance yourself from other man but can't, you work together 13 hours a day and leaving your job is out of the question. Do you have to work next to him, can you make other arrangements? You can't stop thinking about other man even at the risk of loosing your husband. The man insults you and your husband and you do nothing to defend yourself or your husband, would your husband defend you? The other man is showing you and everyone else how much power he has over you, you need to take that power away from him and give it back to your husband before it is too late. You were not manipulated, you knew what was going on, you were an active and willing participant so you need to stop blame shifting and accept your roll in this. You could have left a hundred times that night but instead chose to stay with other man. Who had the protection, you or other man?

 

You need to talk to your husband about his feelings, he should be your first priority not the other man. You can say what you want about how great your husband is but reading your post all I can see is me me me and other man and if I can see it so can your husband. Pull your head out of fantasy land, see other man for what he is, a predator and you are more than a willing participant because he wouldn't be a threat if you didn't allow it. Every moment this man takes in your thoughts is stolen from your husband and only makes saving your relationship with your husband that more difficult. Does your counselor have infidelity experience? If the pain in your husbands face isn't enough to stop you, I don't give you much of a chance, what if it takes loosing your husband to get you to snap out of your affair?

 

I take on board what you are saying.

 

Thing is, I am a weak person and when he insults me and my husband I just assume it is all said in jest....and is banter. Therefore no need to defend myself, does that make sense? When all this was said I never took it that he was being mean, I guess I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that makes me stupid.

 

My poor husband. He is incredible and so supportive of me. I feel such immense all consuming guilt about this.

 

FYI, he had he had the protection (Though he had to go to his housemates room to borrow some of his), though I'm not sure how is is relevant.....I didn't plan on it happening.

[Trimmer]

I think you are right, I do think I need to give less of a **** of what the other man thinks of me...

Actually, you need to give ZERO **** of what the other man thinks about you or anything else. You need to disconnect from him completely, and remove him from your life. There's no "I need to care less..." He needs to be gone - aggressively and with a vengeance - from your life.

 

Trouble is, last night I got a text from the other man telling me. He is depressed etc and only existing in life, is lonely....which makes it a lot harder to move on as he's still trying to grab my attention!!

Yes, that is trouble. It actually doesn't matter what was the content of his text, it's simply trouble that you are receiving and reading a text from him no matter what. The problem isn't that he's "trying to grab" your attention, the problem is that it is working, and that part is under your control, so the problem is yours.

 

...and care more about my husband, who is supporting me and who is amazing in every way.

You know what I think one of your main problems is? I don't think you are frightened enough of losing your marriage.

 

Yes, I know you feel awful and horrible and can't stand what you've done to your husband. But through all of that, you seem to have the luxury of believing that you won't lose him - much of that being fed by the support he's giving you and how amazing he is.

 

I think it might help you to consider - even though it might not seem so at this moment - the very real possibility that you might lose your husband over this. Not in some imaginary thought-experiment, but in reality: you may lose your husband because of this.

 

You tell us that we don't know you, so we can't really fully understand your situation; I accept that. In the same way, you don't really know the trauma your husband is suffering, and you really can't be sure that everything will be OK. It happens all the time, that a Betrayed Spouse's first reaction is hurt, but also supportive and forgiving - largely because he is desperate to get back to "how things used to be" as quickly as possible. I know this because this was me. You have no idea what emotional roller coaster he is about to embark upon, and you have no way to be sure that you are not going to lose him.

 

Look at the 5 stages of loss - denial often comes early (and thus provides fertile soil for "forgiveness and support") but anger is likely somewhere down the road, whether he expresses it to you directly, or just lets it eat him up from the inside. And you think your @$$hole coworker is "depressed"? Just wait until depression hits your husband. You may feel like your husband is forgiving and supportive now, but he has barely started on this journey, and you have no way of knowing what course it will take.

 

And so, while out of my humanity I would love for you to feel better, I think for your own good, you need to be a lot more scared that you may lose your husband and your marriage over this. You should not presume the privilege of setting your priorities based upon a primary assumption that your marriage is safe, and then you can arrange everything around that solid foundation. That assumption is not at all solid.

[revelations]

That's fine, I do understand where you are coming from.

 

Yes I think I do seek approval from this other man, though i have no idea why.

 

I apologise for the fact it comes across that I don't care about my husband, I honestly honestly do. It's destroying me, what I have done to him. I think you are right, I do think I need to give less of a **** of what the other man thinks of me, and care more about my husband, who is supporting me and who is amazing in every way.

 

Trouble is, last night I got a text from the other man telling me. He is depressed etc and only existing in life, is lonely....which makes it a lot harder to move on as he's still trying to grab my attention!!

 

WTF??? He is not already blocked from your phone? Did you bother to tell your BH or show him the message? Did you reply to the text?

 

If you are trying to save your marriage, nothing should be a secret from your BH and you should not respond to OM, just tell your BH and show him the text. Oh and if you do want to know a little about what your BH is probably going through, read what I posted about how I felt.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

 

Oh and just so you can gain a little perspective, ask yourself what you would do if your BH was the one that cheated on you, still works with the OW and is getting texts that says she is depressed. Would you be able to stay with your BH if he was the one that cheated and doing the same things you are doing? Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were the one that had been betrayed the same why you did to your BH. How would you want your BH to treat you if he walked in and announced that he just got done banging your sister or best friend but chooses to stay with you?

 

If you say your BH is a wonderful man that is supporting you, then start showing him that you are grateful for the second chance you are getting that you really do not deserve. When I stated before that he may one day leave I am not just blindly stating that. No matter how meek and forgiving a man may seem, we all have our limits. Since your BH chose to remain with you I am betting the chances are very high that once he takes action their is no stopping him. So do not mistake your BH's kindness for weakness.

[Marieclaire]

WTF??? He is not already blocked from your phone? Did you bother to tell your BH or show him the message? Did you reply to the text?

 

If you are trying to save your marriage, nothing should be a secret from your BH and you should not respond to OM, just tell your BH and show him the text. Oh and if you do want to know a little about what your BH is probably going through, read what I posted about how I felt.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

 

Oh and just so you can gain a little perspective, ask yourself what you would do if your BH was the one that cheated on you, still works with the OW and is getting texts that says she is depressed. Would you be able to stay with your BH if he was the one that cheated and doing the same things you are doing? Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were the one that had been betrayed the same why you did to your BH. How would you want your BH to treat you if he walked in and announced that he just got done banging your sister or best friend but chooses to stay with you?

 

If you say your BH is a wonderful man that is supporting you, then start showing him that you are grateful for the second chance you are getting that you really do not deserve. When I stated before that he may one day leave I am not just blindly stating that. No matter how meek and forgiving a man may seem, we all have our limits. Since your BH chose to remain with you I am betting the chances are very high that once he takes action their is no stopping him. So do not mistake your BH's kindness for weakness.

 

I told my other half immediately about the message. I then replied telling him that I'm sorry he feels like that, but he needs to talk to someone less about his problems.

[aliveagain]

I take on board what you are saying.

 

Thing is, I am a weak person and when he insults me and my husband I just assume it is all said in jest....and is banter. Therefore no need to defend myself, does that make sense? When all this was said I never took it that he was being mean, I guess I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that makes me stupid.

 

My poor husband. He is incredible and so supportive of me. I feel such immense all consuming guilt about this.

 

FYI, he had he had the protection (Though he had to go to his housemates room to borrow some of his), though I'm not sure how is is relevant.....I didn't plan on it happening.

 

The housemate knows other man had sex with you. Guys talk when they are in the pub, it's more humiliation for your husband to endure. Why didn't you leave when he went to the housemate to get a rubber, you knew what was coming next. This is what you are going to have to discover for yourself, why did you feel so entitled that you allowed yourself to cross a line that you can never cross back? That decision has changed your marriage permanently, you can't go back to what you had, you have to start a new one. Being hung up on the man that helped destroy it is a bad way to start. One of the men has to go and if you don't make the decision as to which one I guarantee your husband will and you may not like the choice he makes. You really have to get a grip on reality, your husband has given you a second chance, prove to him you deserve it. Time to put your big girl panties on and kick that POS out of your lives.

[revelations]

I told my other half immediately about the message. I then replied telling him that I'm sorry he feels like that, but he needs to talk to someone less about his problems.

 

Truthfully your only reply should be NOTHING...

 

However it is good that you told your BH about it. At least that is a start in the right direction for you.

[italianjob]

I told my other half immediately about the message. I then replied telling him that I'm sorry he feels like that, but he needs to talk to someone less about his problems.

 

So, sorry but I don't really understand, what does your husband knows and what doesn't he know about this?

Didn't you tell that you hadn't mentioned to him that you still have emotional connections with this guy? Is he allrigth with that?

[Appreciate]

He doesn't deserve politeness. Just stonewall him completely.

 

You can do this.. it's not hard. Just visualize him as a threat to what you should hold dear: your husband. Imagine a knife in your husband's chest, and each time you reply or think about this guy, the knife goes deeper.

[DKT3]

How am I doing that? I told him politely to leave me alone and speak to someone else about his problems!

 

Marie, decisions in life are only as difficult as we make them. Your making this far more dufficult then it has to be. You don't think you can leave, I get that, I think you could figure out another way if you were to get honest with yourself. But let's not beat that horse.

 

Simply put, your not really trying to disengage with AP (still don't understand why you call a ons an affair). Block him, its easy. If you still have to deal with him keep it and leave it at work.

 

Some things worry me and point to your wanting to stay engaged. One is the comment about the others not understanding why you think so highly of this guy. We often put on blinders when we are emotionally invested in someone. You simply aren't being honest with yourself. Until you are you won't get any forward movement. You claim to not be attracted (not honest) by convincing yourself of this it allows continued involvement. "Oh, I'm not attracted to him so it won't happen again" truth is, if you weren't attracted it wouldn't have happened the first time.

 

Point being you are allowing all roads to continued contact open by making excuses and justifing why its ok. None of it is ok. Its disrespectful to your husband and counter productive to what you claim are your goals.

 

Once you get honest about your feelings and attraction then you will understand how important it is to limit contact as much as possible since you won't leave. With the feelings your trying to maske and the level of contact its a matter of when it happens again, because it will happen again. If you change nothing, nothing will change.

 

I wish you luck, I hope you open your eyes sooner then later. Later maybe too late.

[Marieclaire]

He doesn't deserve politeness. Just stonewall him completely.

 

You can do this.. it's not hard. Just visualize him as a threat to what you should hold dear: your husband. Imagine a knife in your husband's chest, and each time you reply or think about this guy, the knife goes deeper.

 

Thank you. That's a great way of thinking about it.

 

I'm at work right now and am completely ignoring him. Small steps.

[atreides]

WTF??? He is not already blocked from your phone?

.

 

best quote of the thread!

 

 

 

I'm not buying the whole he manipulated you or naive thing at all. I think you were indeed attracted to him and knew what being invited to his house for drinks meant. Why would any married woman accept a date to another man's house while her husband is out of town but for not getting busted for what you were about to do? No woman just sleeps with a guy she is not attracted to; I know this for a fact.?

 

I want to add, that something like this happened in my social circle, the guy was a "women's dream husband" he did everything right... he was the "nice guy" and finished last unfortunately, I feel the same way for the OP's husband.

 

How am I doing that? I told him politely to leave me alone and speak to someone else about his problems!

 

there is no "politely" in this situation, it is silence!

 

OP, at least you told your husband and are doing the right thing with counseling but you do need to find a way to go NC, within the workplace... easier quitting.. but I know most are already saying that.

 

best of luck.

Edited June 23, 2014 by atreides

[Marieclaire]

Thanks for the advice and help everyone.

 

I am going to distance myself from him once and for all. Professional interactions only.

 

I need to see him for what he really is, and once I do, and work st things with my husband, I am in the road to recovery.

 

Thank you

[William]

Morning,

 

Brief summary - 15 postings deleted prior to close and I'll review more thoroughly when I have more time.

 

- Rudeness is never tolerated on our forums when seen or reported. Members are to be treated with the utmost of respect.

 

- A number of members were banned or moderated here. This will continue until no members are left or just the ones who are not rude in their responses remain. There are no innocent parties here. We're all adults and we each know exactly what we're doing when posting on LoveShack.

 

Thread starter, you thanked members for their responses and that indicated to moderation that you have received the input you were looking for and are finished with this thread. I'll leave it closed after I review it more thoroughly and please alert on it if you wish it re-opened for an update. Please include the update in your alert for our review. Thanks to everyone who wasn't rude for your input. We appreciate it.