Are my families right... Am I terrible person?

[rockmanmegaman]

I'm always the quiet type of guy. Back in Primary School, I didn't have much friends as I was so shy. Then in High school, I was pushed around and bullied. It was then in senior high school I started to make friends... I thought that was when things start turning good for me, but when I got into Uni, I was once again in the outcast again... I tried to make friends but everyone just seem to be disinterested in me. People who tried to talk to me, I probably end up boring them. I always thought it was because of my shyness that's why it's really difficult for me to make friends.

 

Anyway, this month, I'm on holiday with my mother. My mother keep making me hanging out with her friends, everytime we hang out, my mom would find 1 way or another to make me feel like trash or worthless, or compare to my younger brother who aren't even in the trip with us. (e.g. "He's sick again, he's not as fit or healthy as his younger brother", "He doesn't work, he's only a teacher's aide", "He's ugly, is he even related to his younger brother", "He goes to university? No big deal" and "He's shorter than his younger brother!"). Then there was one time where I was talking to my uncle, my uncle told my mom that he liked talking to me. My mother then told my uncle "No, you don't like talking to him. You like talking to his younger brother". I was just there like... What...? Anyway, the point I'm end up refusing to hang out with her.

 

Due to this, we got into many arguments. Just a while ago after lunch, my mom asked me to hangout. I said no, and then she started saying how I'm wasting money just lying in the hotel room. I was like no... I'm not, I just don't like hanging out with your friends. I told her how her friends and her makes me feel bad about myself and stuff. Then she claimed that it's not her friends' fault but me... I'm a person who is difficult to hang out with, and that's why I don't have friends. I told her I have friends, I just have difficulty making friends, but I'm close to many of my friends. She then told me how my dad claimed that I am a bad person, and a person like me is a terrible person to hangout with.

 

I walked back to the hotel room, and was really upset. I know I have trouble making friends... I always believe it's because I'm just a shy person and have problem socializing... Whenever a person treats me badly, I always cheer myself up by thinking someone better would come along and see the person that I am a nice and friendly person... However... Now... Is the reason why I have so much trouble making friends is because I'm just a terrible person... Both my parents think I'm a bad person...

[Purepony]

That's a mean thing for a mom to say. I would just distance myself from them because it's unnecessary drama

[JDPT]

You put a lot of emphasis on friends, and although friends are good to have around (true friends that is) keep in my that the only person who you have anything to prove to is yourself. Clearly, your mother's poisonous comments does not help your current state. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are who you are and you stand where you stand at this point in your life for a reason. Continue to work on yourself and continue to pave a better future for no one but you.

[IDK123]

Wow, that's horrid. Your mother sounds like a terrible person.

Maybe you've had trouble making friends all your life and a lack of self-esteem because of the things your mother says to you. Has she been like this since you were a child, or is it only now that she's started saying those things?

 

You need to separate yourself from her and start building your self-esteem back up. I know that when I mentally and emotionally distanced myself from my toxic family I started feeling better. It's a long process. You don't notice it right away, and it's hard to distance yourself from the people who you've been around your whole life, the same people who are supposed to love you more than anyone. It doesn't help that society puts such a high emphasis on 'staying close with family' and 'respecting your parents no matter what'. In my opinion, anyone who constantly mistreats you and makes you feel miserable doesn't deserve to be in your life, regardless of who they are.

 

I have a big feeling that your inability to make friends and your general lack of self-esteem stems from these constant degrading and demeaning remarks from both your parents. Your mother constantly tells you that you're not a good person to hang out with, and eventually you start believing it, and then you start emulating a behaviour that makes it hard for you to make friends. My mother used to constantly tell me that "You're worthless" "You're garbage" "You'll never make friends"etc etc.. It had a huge effect on me and my whole life I've been unable to create and maintain MUTUALLY RESPECTFUL relationships. It took a while for me to realize this and eventually I had to ditch all my friends because the only friends I had were people who would treat me like crap, not because they were terrible people, but because it's what I expected out of people; it's how I expected to be treated. I acted in a way that let them treat me in that way. I had no self-respect.

 

What your mother says or does to you isn't your fault, but you can change how you let it affect you. You have control over whether or not you're going to let her affect you. You need to break down and re-build the subconscious mindset that "you're not good enough" or "you're not fun to be around" into something more positive. How to do this? I don't know, as I'm still finding out how myself.

[RuralMama]

You are precious, valuable and have a ton to offer society. Please believe in yourself. I agree with the pp, you have been believing for too long what others say about you.

You were created by God and are loved by Him... Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31 Be encouraged friend, step out and be a friend to others and you will find friends.

[SillySilly]

I relate very much to your story. I'm also the quiet type (but you'll find out later it's a great way to be!)

 

I think it would be a good for you to take some time and space away from your mother. Of course you love her, but she doesn't know how to love you in the way that you need. That kind of insulting language has no place in a loving relationship and is pretty abusive.

 

I have had a similar type of problem with my mother in the past (though perhaps not so direct or severe). For a long time, the only way I could respond to her was with angry outbursts, and for the most part I didn't keep in touch with her. As I grew up I practiced loving myself and forgiving her (while recognizing that her behavior would never change) and came back to her when I felt I was ready.

 

And her behavior hasn't changed much, but I relate to her comments differently now, because I know her view of me is misguided and comes from a place of her own suffering. If you can see it for what it is, all sound and fury signifying nothing, then you can love her and yourself even though you may not have the same relationship you used to have with her. But first, give it time. Lots of time. You can't love her until you love yourself enough to remain unharmed by her comments, and that takes time and experience.

 

I'm not saying that you don't love yourself, but it seems like you have a little bit of a self-esteem deficit (as do I). If a person is to be happy, they have to have an unflinching love of themselves, and they have to be able to love even the less attractive aspects of themselves. If you get depressed, you need to love the part of you that gets depressed, and love yourself even in the midst of the depression.

 

When I feel down on myself, I try to do something selfless for someone else. It doesn't need to be a big ceremony or anything, just a small gesture of goodwill that'll make a difference in someone else's life. You don't do it for others' appreciation, you do it for yourself and the person you're helping. It feels good to help others, and it's a good foundation for a high level of self-esteem, because no one, not even your mother, can take that away. It's already done, you helped someone, and it's yours forever. Doing this also helps you to be able to point to very concrete reasons why you are lovable, and in the end love yourself.

[Targetlock]

They don't sound like the friends you should be hanging around, stick with your own friends and distance yourself from your mother, hopefully after some absence she will come to appreciate you for you are, not who she thinks you should be.

[Emilia]

Perhaps OP you are shy and have trouble making friends because of what your mother has made you believe for years?

[Georgia2014]

I'm always the quiet type of guy. Back in Primary School, I didn't have much friends as I was so shy. Then in High school, I was pushed around and bullied. It was then in senior high school I started to make friends... I thought that was when things start turning good for me, but when I got into Uni, I was once again in the outcast again... I tried to make friends but everyone just seem to be disinterested in me. People who tried to talk to me, I probably end up boring them. I always thought it was because of my shyness that's why it's really difficult for me to make friends.

 

Anyway, this month, I'm on holiday with my mother. My mother keep making me hanging out with her friends, everytime we hang out, my mom would find 1 way or another to make me feel like trash or worthless, or compare to my younger brother who aren't even in the trip with us. (e.g. "He's sick again, he's not as fit or healthy as his younger brother", "He doesn't work, he's only a teacher's aide", "He's ugly, is he even related to his younger brother", "He goes to university? No big deal" and "He's shorter than his younger brother!"). Then there was one time where I was talking to my uncle, my uncle told my mom that he liked talking to me. My mother then told my uncle "No, you don't like talking to him. You like talking to his younger brother". I was just there like... What...? Anyway, the point I'm end up refusing to hang out with her.

 

Due to this, we got into many arguments. Just a while ago after lunch, my mom asked me to hangout. I said no, and then she started saying how I'm wasting money just lying in the hotel room. I was like no... I'm not, I just don't like hanging out with your friends. I told her how her friends and her makes me feel bad about myself and stuff. Then she claimed that it's not her friends' fault but me... I'm a person who is difficult to hang out with, and that's why I don't have friends. I told her I have friends, I just have difficulty making friends, but I'm close to many of my friends. She then told me how my dad claimed that I am a bad person, and a person like me is a terrible person to hangout with.

 

I walked back to the hotel room, and was really upset. I know I have trouble making friends... I always believe it's because I'm just a shy person and have problem socializing... Whenever a person treats me badly, I always cheer myself up by thinking someone better would come along and see the person that I am a nice and friendly person... However... Now... Is the reason why I have so much trouble making friends is because I'm just a terrible person... Both my parents think I'm a bad person...

 

Your mother sounds like my mother. If you want to talk to someone who is in a similar situation please message me.

[pink_sugar]

If your mom wants you to make friends, she should suggest getting involved in various activities. You need to have friends closer to your own age that are not your mom's friends.