(Gay) Some time off from each other.

[Holamikey]

Background story:

 

Me and my ex (21 and 25, I will call him "Mr F") got back 6th June this year and we have been dating for 7 months. There were ups and downs and this time we are just at a dating stage instead of going back together. Mr. F has an important interview which is a changing point of his life and he wants some space until july(He said he wants to meet me up in a new city). Basically I have finished my finals thus I want to meet him up all the time. (My flat and his workplace is 2 mins away). My ex fiancé passed away back in April and I had suffered from depression for a while but I initiated the break off from each other as we could not address all the issues together at once. We were supposed to meet up yesterday for the last time before I go back to home(I came from Hong Kong, we based in London), but he didn't show upalthough he promised. I lost my mind and called him for 80 times perhaps, and this is truly obsessive. I sent him a message that I want my keys back from him and he has some clothes at my home as well. I don't want things to end abruptly in this way..and now he hasn't replied any of my text yet. I have decided to send him an email later this week when I am back home. Please have a look and any comments would be appreciated, thank you.

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Email to him:

 

I am back to Hong Kong now, having jugs of mojito with my friend at Lan Kwai Fong now and the night is absolutely fabulous. Trying to type this to you on my phone while trying to stop the lego bricks falling apart, just like the words which I wish I haven’t had said earlier on and things I shouldn’t have done, but it’s too late.

 

I want to know you as a new person. And so far Canary Wharf seems not favouring us. South Kensington did. We made up twice there. Being a little bit superstitious here.

 

Throughout the weekend I had been chatting with friends nonstop about my own personal problems and how to solve it. The final conclusion was just that I have way too much free time right now and I had been overthinking. Again, I have lost your trust on Instagram already and I am going to regret this for a long while. This is the worst thing that I have done to you, humiliating you in front of everyone that knows me well.

 

I have to make an apology about Saturday. I was literally lost my mind and hoping that you will just picking up the phone calls explaining why. You stood me up. But then again maybe you have your own personal reasons. I am always a self centred person who never reconsider about my thoughts before I slurred them out. I should have understand your message and not going to the concierge and asking you to understand all these issues at once. I was suffocating you. I completely forgot you have your interview, the unsettling drama and your mother’s health issues. And I am not brining you happiness but an extra burden on your shoulder. And I never should have picking up on all those tiny little issues. All these ramifications were due to my impatience.

 

On addressing the different life stages we are at right now, I am an undergraduate while you are the mastermind behind those majestic screens, wavering your magical fingers where the stocks are engulfed in flames. I have no doubt on your intellegence but you have to have faith on me as well - I was being accepted to LSE unconditionally before. You just have to believe I am capable of making you content in the future. Just give me time to prove it. I always remember you encourage me to finish all my studies.

 

This is different, isn't it--writing you an email, I mean. I started typing on keyboard and realized that I might be able to express my feelings better this way than in person. Which brings me to what has been bothering me: we don't seem to be able to communicate very well lately. I've been feeling empty inside. It has nothing to do with the way I feel about you--my love for you has never wavered. But I'm wishing we had more. There is so much that I wish we could say to each other--the little trivial things, deep things, personal things. We used to talk about everything. We were giddy and experiencing new love. Everything you said was a discovery for me. I wanted to know everything about you.

 

It seems that the more we've been together, the more quiet we have become. Is it your busy schedules? Stress? Fatigue? Boredom? We arise early, barely have enough time for breakfast, give each other a quick kiss, and rush out the door. Only occasionally do I call you during the day. At night we eat dinner and flop in front of the laptop. You usually drift off and I joined you. (When is the last time we both watched an entire movie together?) I'm afraid of becoming an old, tired couple that lives together but has no excitement and no energy to try any longer.

 

Please say this is not happening to us! I'll tell you what I wish--I wish we could spend 10 minutes over breakfast planning something fun or unusual for the end of the day. I wish we could get a French cuisine recipe book and cook dinner together. I wish I can paint on the same canvas with you. I wish I can drive you to Cornwall and have fun at St Ives. I wish we could read the newspaper as a couple and discuss stories of interest. I wish we could take a walk and remember the dreams of our relationship. I'd like to hear about your day; I'd like to tell you about mine. I want to get out the photo albums that was at your country house and have you tell me stories of your childhood. I want to dust off my yearbook and tell you silly stories about what happened to me during my boarding school. I want to share personal things with you again. That's what keeps love exciting and alive.

 

Deep down my heart, I agreed we have both done regrettable things to each other, imperfections were the entire point that drawn us together. But those early days of our past relationship was filled with fondness, and for that I always give credits to you. And you know, relationship doesn’t work like hedge fund, risks can never be measured and we have to willing to take them. And relationship are meant for enjoyment. The dinner that you made for me was the best thing that you had intrigued me. It means a lot to me. I guess I will never have the chance to try once again.

 

Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson, my actions are irrational, immature and inconsiderate and I probably will spend a long time in Hong Kong to know myself better.

 

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Would that be too heavy and completely blow him off?