When a partner earns far less than you?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi there,

 

I just wanted to hear from people in similar situations, how you cope with having a partner who earns far less than you do.

 

I am presently not working (although I am coming into a new job soon) but I have a lot of money saved up as I am usually quite good at not spending! My new partner is presently starting up a business and barely earns anything. Even when he does a big job, he doesn't usually get paid (I think and he is starting to agree, that his business partner is a bit shady).

 

I love him to bits and I am not a materialistic girl in the slightest but his lack of money is beginning to become a problem because for example, when he runs out of gas or can't pay for heating, if it needs to be rectified I offer to pay (sometimes) but then it is always my money. He doesn't take advantage of this and never asks, as he is used to living this way, but obviously as I love him I help out when I can.

 

I want to stick around until he can get out of this financial rut but it is becoming a problem for me. He is also quite proud and stubborn when it comes to looking for alternative work. He really believes this business will work, (tiling business) but I have doubts simple because I don't trust his Biz partner. Has anyone been through a similar situation? Did you walk away or stick around?

[Emilia]

People get into a difficult financial position for different reasons. His seems to be lack of assertiveness and stupidity. Is that the real issue?

[clia]

How long have you been dating him and what are your ages? Do you think he will actually get out of this financial rut? Why is he in business with an untrustworthy partner? Not being able to pay basic bills, like heat, is a big red flag to me.

 

If it was a longer term relationship (2+ years) and we were living together, I would help him out for the short term, but if he couldn't get his act together in a reasonable amount of time, I probably wouldn't stick around. I wouldn't be impressed with a guy who was borrowing money from me, but was too proud to get another job.

 

I personally would not feel comfortable paying a guy's bills if it was a shorter term relationship (maybe less than 2 years), and I would not do so. I would expect that he would have friends or family who could help him out. I wouldn't be compatible with a guy like this, though.

[d0nnivain]

There are a number of books on the subject of women earning more. One of the newest is When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women.

 

 

Finances are a huge point of contention in any relationship. When people have different money styles, it causes friction.

 

 

You can ask him if you can help with the business or encourage him to take counseling at places SCORE.org or his local SBDC but there's really not much you can do to improve his business savvy

[oldshirt]

This is going to sound very sexist and like something your grandmother would say but women have a very difficult time respecting and admiring a man that does not have an income that can support them and can't manage financial matters well.

 

And when a woman can't respect and admire a man, it's just a matter of time before she can't desire him and loses attraction to him and starts to notice men she does respect and the desire soon follows.

 

This is just how Mother Nature designed us.

 

A woman cant desire a man that's chronically unemployed/underemployed and can't manage finances responsibly any more than a man can desire a woman that's morbidly obese and isn't doing anything about it.

[carrie_o]

As long as he is making an effort to not be stuck in this financial rut forever, I don't see a problem with the situation. While we were just dating, my husband used to pay for a few of my bills every once and a while, especially at the beginning of a new semester. Now that I graduated, I'm making more than he does so I pay for some of his bills.

 

Be careful to make sure he's not taking advantage of you at any point. One of my exes started out needed money for the occasional bill. By the end of the relationship, he had no job and expected me to pay for all of his bills. He even had the gall to get mad at me for cancelling his phone plan (which I was 100% paying for) AFTER we broke up. It also took a lot of convincing to get him to move out of MY apartment. He would try to guilt trip me by saying he would be homeless without me. Although he moved out quite quickly once he snooped through my phone and found that I was complaining about him still staying with me to other guys. That was the only time I've been happy that someone snooped through my phone.

 

So what I'm saying is if it is a short-term thing, it isn't a big deal to pay for a few of his bills but don't get taken advantage of.

[Smilecharmer]

If it bothers you, it bothers you. You two need to talk about how he is going to fix being a mooch. I've never felt comfortable not contributing financially even when I had my babies. A man or a woman shouldn't be the only breadwinner in a family. It is too much pressure on one person.

[learning_slowly]

I think you should probably be a little less selfish than all the people on here who are obviously ardent feminists

 

I always try to look at what would happen if the roles were reversed, what would you expect from him and yourself? Is he doing the things that you would do, if not can you guide him to do them?

 

If his stubbornness prevents an alternative, then you maybe able to use yourself as a bargaining tool. If he realises he may lose you, maybe he will change his attitudes and actions?

 

Also, it would depend on your past, e.g. has he contributed more before, e.g. if you were at school or in a low paid job earlier in your relationship?

[pink_sugar]

As long as he is making an effort to not be stuck in this financial rut forever, I don't see a problem with the situation. While we were just dating, my husband used to pay for a few of my bills every once and a while, especially at the beginning of a new semester. Now that I graduated, I'm making more than he does so I pay for some of his bills.

 

Be careful to make sure he's not taking advantage of you at any point. One of my exes started out needed money for the occasional bill. By the end of the relationship, he had no job and expected me to pay for all of his bills. He even had the gall to get mad at me for cancelling his phone plan (which I was 100% paying for) AFTER we broke up. It also took a lot of convincing to get him to move out of MY apartment. He would try to guilt trip me by saying he would be homeless without me. Although he moved out quite quickly once he snooped through my phone and found that I was complaining about him still staying with me to other guys. That was the only time I've been happy that someone snooped through my phone.

 

So what I'm saying is if it is a short-term thing, it isn't a big deal to pay for a few of his bills but don't get taken advantage of.

 

This. There were times my husband brought in most of the money and then there were times I brought in most of the money. I was fairly resentful until recently. Before he was the one working little hours, while I worked full time. Now I'm the one working part time while he works more hours. I'd say things were pretty even. The issue I had was his lack of trying during those downtime periods. I felt as if he took advantage of the fact I was making more money before I got laid off and slacked off. I think it was for the best though that he stuck with his job...he's getting a promotion which could lead to promising career opportunities down the road.

 

Building a business is hard. One of you need to be stable and have steady income in order for the other person to work on their business. Your partner not getting paid for these gigs is a red flag though. He needs to evaluate why there is no money coming in at all. Maybe he needs to take up a second job to ease some of the financial stress while he works on his business.

[carhill]

He really believes this business will work, (tiling business) but I have doubts simple because I don't trust his Biz partner. Has anyone been through a similar situation? Did you walk away or stick around?

 

Yes, while my exW and I were dating, she was going through some business pains and for awhile had a tough time paying the bills, so we kept the dates 'simple' and would often merely spend time enjoying each other's company. She went through another similar phase when moving her business about 30 miles when we got married and had to build a new clientele. All part of life.

 

Regarding the tiling business, I have a lot of respect for the tile guys I use and they always are paid on time, either by myself or my client, depending on the nature of the job. If they don't get paid, they simply perfect a mechanic's lien on the property and the lien will prevent the property from being financed or sold without satisfaction. Very powerful tool.

 

Starting out in any business isn't easy and the early years can be lean. Being self-employed or being with someone who is self-employed isn't for everyone, so be realistic about that. If you're more of a paycheck-style gal, that's valid. Go for a guy like that.

 

If the business partner is 'shady', unless there is marked capital tied up in the deal, BF can break the partnership and go out on his own. Blood and turnips and all that. If there is a formal partnership agreement and/or corporation involved, then legal advice would be appropriate.

 

If this is all a bit 'much' to deal with in a dating dynamic, then move on. Write it off to incompatibility or bad timing.

 

My personal experience in my M and with my generation tends to align with that perspective provided by oldshirt so I choose to avoid relations with women of my generation at this time. No sense in beating that dead horse while trying to recover my business from caregiving and divorce. Other things in life to do.

[Oregon_Dude]

My ex and I broke up two days ago and money was largely the issue.

 

She was unable to pay rent or even buy her own food for over three months. I had to cover everything. It caused immeasurable stress and resentment on my part. While she was laid off and I felt bad for her and helped out with everything I could, I don't make a ton of money and am in no position to help someone pay their bills.

 

When it's your gf, it certainly can turn a love relationship into something more roommate-y and just sh*tty. Sucks. I don't blame her but I do. Well, I probably shouldn't have moved in with someone who lacked drive and character. After all, you get to see someone's true colors when they're kind of down and out.

 

Anyway. Some people will tell you money doesn't matter in a committed relationship. But from recent personal experience, it does. Especially when you're living together. If she and I were still just dating, going out getting drinks and dinner, movies etc., I'm sure we'd still be together. Unfortunately because of societal expectations for how relationships should progress and "move forward" at a certain pace, we moved in together and then saw that the fit was bad and not a real fit at all.

 

BTW, my gf had absolutely no one to turn to or borrow money from, so that became my problem. Fun, huh? Talk about a recipe for resentment, a lot of arguments and love completely dissipating.

[Els]

If it was for a valid reason (ill health, etc), I'd stay with them through it.

 

But this... this sounds like a whole lot of naivete. He has repeatedly not been paid for work? To the extent that he is so broke that he needs his gf's help... but he still wants to stay in that partnership? Why?? What is preventing him from ending the partnership, going after the guy in small claims court and striking out on his own?

[jbelle6]

There is not being materialistic, which is a good thing, then there is just putting up with crap. A grown man or woman needs to be able to cover their own expenses at least or they have no time to date and should be working second jobs.

[Radu]

There are a number of books on the subject of women earning more. One of the newest is When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women.

 

Finances are a huge point of contention in any relationship. When people have different money styles, it causes friction.

 

You can ask him if you can help with the business or encourage him to take counseling at places SCORE.org or his local SBDC but there's really not much you can do to improve his business savvy

 

I think it has more to do with perceived power in a relationship.

 

Men are associated in general with providers more so than women when it comes to money and jobs.

Add to it hypergamy and women making more and more, which increases the probability of ending in a relationship where she makes more and making less can end up being perceived as 'less manly'.

Again, this is in general and not related to this case.

 

In this case, he's being a fool.

And you are in a tough position.

If you give a deadline or an ultimatum you become his 'mommy', so you need to get the message across in a clear way but without seriously damaging his manhood.

I do not envy your situation OP.

[pink_sugar]

My ex and I broke up two days ago and money was largely the issue.

 

She was unable to pay rent or even buy her own food for over three months. I had to cover everything. It caused immeasurable stress and resentment on my part. While she was laid off and I felt bad for her and helped out with everything I could, I don't make a ton of money and am in no position to help someone pay their bills.

 

When it's your gf, it certainly can turn a love relationship into something more roommate-y and just sh*tty. Sucks. I don't blame her but I do. Well, I probably shouldn't have moved in with someone who lacked drive and character. After all, you get to see someone's true colors when they're kind of down and out.

 

Anyway. Some people will tell you money doesn't matter in a committed relationship. But from recent personal experience, it does. Especially when you're living together. If she and I were still just dating, going out getting drinks and dinner, movies etc., I'm sure we'd still be together. Unfortunately because of societal expectations for how relationships should progress and "move forward" at a certain pace, we moved in together and then saw that the fit was bad and not a real fit at all.

 

BTW, my gf had absolutely no one to turn to or borrow money from, so that became my problem. Fun, huh? Talk about a recipe for resentment, a lot of arguments and love completely dissipating.

 

I was laid off in December and it took me about 3 months to find another job. It happens. There must be more to what you're saying here though. Did she not make any effort to find other work? Did she not get any UI benefits while unemployed? Life does happen. If you love someone, you work through it together. But if she did not make efforts to find work while you pulled the weight...that's another thing entirely.

[Oregon_Dude]

Pink sugar:

 

my ex did not even apply for unemployment after being laid off from a nanny job, convinced she wouldn't get it. She lacked initiative and drive. BTW, after she found a full-time job, she broke up with me about 5 days later. Does that sound like someone you'd like to be with?

 

Ridiculous behavior from a supposedly grown-ass woman. And yes to the poster that said adults should be able to cover their own, very basic living expenses.

[littleplanet]

I'd say a big part of the problem might be the BIZ partner.

 

But still - he has to take responsibility for that.

Being stubborn and hardworking is fine.

But sooner or later accountability has to kick in. And that means not taking advantage.

Perhaps it's time for a heart to heart -

and a new business plan.

[pink_sugar]

Pink sugar:

 

my ex did not even apply for unemployment after being laid off from a nanny job, convinced she wouldn't get it. She lacked initiative and drive. BTW, after she found a full-time job, she broke up with me about 5 days later. Does that sound like someone you'd like to be with?

 

Ridiculous behavior from a supposedly grown-ass woman. And yes to the poster that said adults should be able to cover their own, very basic living expenses.

 

Oh wow, I didn't realize she broke up with you after finding work.it sounds like she definitely took advantage of you. Sorry to hear that. You're definitely better off without her.