his one night stand, my broken heart

[broken24]

Last week I found out my boyfriend of 2.5 years had a one night stand 4 months ago.

 

He had gone to a friends birthday party and then on to a nightclub. I had gone to see some friends for the night. After the club he walked home with a friend, they met 2 girls and invited them back to our house for drinks. I guess the rest I can leave to your imagination.

 

I'm totally shattered, I can't believe he would do this to me. I feel like everything we had mean't nothing. we planned to have kids, get married etc I thought he was the love of my life, my soulmate but now how can he be? I can't eat, I can't sleep and I just can't function at all. Tears fall every minute.

 

He has said he is sorry, he has cried and begged me to stay. He says it was a stupid drunken mistakes and he would never do it again.

 

 

Now I'm the kind of girl who says once a cheater always a cheater but now I faced with the situation I can't deal with it. As I said we live together so I am now facing getting a flat and living alone. I moved from my home town to be with him so I only have a couple of friend here, they are all with a partner. I feel like I will be alone with no friends just filled with sadness. The thought of not been with him, not seeing him every day, not waking up with him in a morning. he is my best friend who I share everything with.

 

The worst thing is there is just no reason for it. I am constantly telling him he should go out more with his friends, spend some time with them but he doesn't. Everything was great with us, no problems at all. So why did he do it? Was it really a big mistake and he would never repeat it again? If he was sooo drunk then how did he remember to use a condom?

 

I'm broken, my head says leave but my heart says try again you belong together. What do I do? Do I leave him and rebuild my life or do I stay and try to work things out. Will I ever be able to forgive and forget or will it hang over me head forever? Do people truly ever make a mistakes like this?

 

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

[savethedrama4allama]

I'm so sorry

 

I'm glad you found out now instead of AFTER kids & marriage. As your relationship goes on the newness wears off, and if you get married lets face it- you're growing old together. If he can't remain faithful now when things are relatively new and you're young, odds are not good for him in the future.

 

It took you 4 months to find out about this- did you figure it out yoursef, or did he tell you? Its better if he told you, but 4 months later? He could have passed along an STD easily in that time...please go get tested. He has no idea about this random stranger's history. Not only did he betray you, he put your health at risk! Are you going to stand for that?

 

There is only one word for this. "Next!"

[_Saffy_]

i suspect quite a few people have been here at some point, i know i have personally, a long time ago.

 

 

you might feel that you can forgive and perhaps you do, but i doubt if you ever forget.

 

 

it just keeps rearing its ugly head.

 

 

i agree with llama........next !

[tiki]

Originally posted by broken24

As I said we live together so I am now facing getting a flat and living alone. I moved from my home town to be with him so I only have a couple of friend here, they are all with a partner. I feel like I will be alone with no friends just filled with sadness. The thought of not been with him, not seeing him every day, not waking up with him in a morning. he is my best friend who I share everything with.

 

You're using him as a crutch. You depended on him and it came back to bite you in the ass. WOMEN, NEVER DEPEND ON A MAN. Always be able to take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

Can you not move back home with your family? Contact your friends and form a support group.

 

I'm just glad you found out before you married the bastard.

[broken24]

Your all sooo right but my heart hurts so much I wanted someone to tell me it would be ok and we could work it out.

 

He didn't admit it to me at all. At home there is a pouch with condoms in, it use to be in the bedside cabinet but we decorated a while ago and it has been in a draw ever since. When I first came across it, I counted the condoms and there was 7. Last week I was putting away flight tickets (we should be going on holiday next month) and for some reason I picked up and opened the pouch and discovered there were only 6 condoms left. I just told him that I knew something had gone on in our house with someone, he admitted everything eventually.

 

 

I would not go as far to say I use him a crutch, I am a very independent person. I am the first person to say 'you never know what is round the corner' and have always known nothing is guaranteed. I know this is stupid and I am sure I will be fine but I can't help thinking I am going to end up alone in a flat. I have some great friends who I know love me dearly but they live far away and all have partners...I fear I will have no chance for girly nights out. I also fear I won't make any new friends where I live now. I can't go back home because of the job I do. I'm just really scared of what is ahead of me, I guess its the not knowing.

 

I know he is total b*&tard and I know I would never forget or forgive and the thought of constantly been worried what he is doing is not worth thinking about. With all this in mind why do I feel like I am walking away from the most precious thing in my life? I guess its harder because we are still in the same house, I need to move out.

 

Thanks very much for replying to me, I do really appreciate it

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by broken24

He didn't admit it to me at all. At home there is a pouch with condoms in, it use to be in the bedside cabinet but we decorated a while ago and it has been in a draw ever since. When I first came across it, I counted the condoms and there was 7. Last week I was putting away flight tickets (we should be going on holiday next month) and for some reason I picked up and opened the pouch and discovered there were only 6 condoms left. I just told him that I knew something had gone on in our house with someone, he admitted everything eventually.

 

Last nail in the coffin! He did not even tell you on his own volition. LOSER

[meejessica]

I feel sorry for you. This is a very hard situation. Of course you could stay w/ him and try to work things out and things could probably be good again. However like somebody else said in your thread is that it will come back up again. I know that you will never forget. It will always linger in the back of your mind and you will from now on always wonder what he’s doing while he’s out w/ his friends. We all know you can not have a good relationship w/ out trust and that you will probably never get back. “the trust”

 

~Jess : ( sorry

 

Move on[color=indigo][/color]

[Cecelius]

I think you should drop him, and don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you sweat. Just go about getting yourself a new place to live (if you like it there), and when the time comes just let him know that you are moving out.

 

While it's possible that this little incident "means" nothing, his inability to keep faithful does mean something. It will happen again, I guarantee it.

[Pocky]

You need to decide whether or not cheating is verboten to the point of ending a relationship. While most people enter a monogamous relationship with the expectation that if either person cheats the relationship is over, no one really knows how they will approach the subject until it happens. If you decide that you can't accept what has happened and that you are unable to trust him and work through this problem then it would be best to end the relationship like others have suggested. However, not all relationships are obligated to end when one person has been unfaithful. You need to decide if this relationship is valuable enough to salvage and if it would be beneficial to both of you to try and overcome this problem.

[Hund1976]

Well some people can make a mistake and never make the same mistake again. Other people are habitual cheaters. The only way to know for sure is to take a chance and see. But that is something you have to decide. Bill and Hillary Clinton are still together, though I'm not sure if that's the couple you want to emulate. If you really believe him that he won't do it again and you think that you would be happy with him in your life then give it a chance. But if you think that you'll never be able to trust him again then you should probably move on. Its a really tough choice.

[emopunk]

Bill and Hillary Clinton are still together, though I'm not sure if that's the couple you want to emulate.

 

Seriously though Broken, no one can tell you what you should do. I agree with Pocky and Hund, you need to sit down and decide if this is worth it. Once a cheater, always a cheater is not a universal truth. People can, and quite often do, change. The only way you'll know, though, is to take a chance. And really any relationship is taking a chance. Your trust is broken, but it is not beyond repair. You just need to figure out if you want him to be the one to help repair it. It's your call alone. Moving out may give you the space and time you need to figure things out, though I don't know if its necessary. But if it helps you to get through this, then do it.

 

Just try to keep a level head about it all and don't make any rash decisions. Follow your heart, but make sure you're not listening to the anger or hurt. They have their place and will have their time. But if you let them linger too long they'll only complicate things.

 

Best of luck and keep us updated.

[broken24]

If I followed my heart then I would stay with him and try to repair the damage but my head keeps saying I have to leave and move on because we could never repair the damage. I feel like 2.5 years meant nothing and that everything is tainted now. I do honestly believe it was a BIG mistake but it happended so easy, whose to say he wouldn't do it again and then I'd be really kicking myself. Also the way I found out...I had no reason to think he had cheated yet I found out like I was meant to know.

 

All my friends think I should leave him and move on because they don't think they would be able to forgive and forget if they were in my shoes...BUT that is exactly what I would say to them if they were in my situation!

 

An ex boyfriend cheated on me before but that's exactly why he became my ex boyfriend, I dumped him there and then so what's stopping me now? I don't feel angry, I just feel pain, like he has died and I can't bear the thought of not growing old together. Stupid I know but I just can't help it.

 

What a fab site this is though, in desperation I searched the internet to find a solution to my problem and foudn lots of great people who are willing to give their advice and share experiences.

 

Well I don't know what will happen...I'll keep you updated

[SoleMate]

It's so easy to say "dump him". You are the one best suited to weigh his overall character and value in your life, vs. the ongoing pain of knowing about his deception, and the likelihood that he will cheat again. It is a FRICKIN HARD decision! Just...own it. Don't let life or circumstances make that critical, life-altering decision for you.

 

A few thoughts:

 

* "Being drunk" is a poor excuse. It's not so much the case that people get drunk and lose their inhibitions, it's that they decide to misbehave and then go get drunk so they can have an excuse.

 

* He gets extra demerits for doing it in your shared dwelling. Cheating offsite: -75. Cheating in your bed: -100. IMO. It's bad enough he violated your r/s and made it dirty, why did he have to mess up your sheets?????

[emopunk]

"Being drunk" is a poor excuse. It's not so much the case that people get drunk and lose their inhibitions, it's that they decide to misbehave and then go get drunk so they can have an excuse.

 

This is so very true. Most of the world tends to use alcohol as the ultimate permissive, as though being drunk caused whatever action. It's as though alcohol changes a personality. This is about as far from the truth as you can get.

 

Being Scot-Irish... with a German despot tossed somewhere in the bloodline... I know first hand what alcohol does and why we have the reputation we do. All it does is bring out someone's true colors. It doesn't change anyone. It just allows them to be who they truly are.

 

Most of my fellow Scots have one of three types of personalities; aggressive, philosophical, or emotional extremes (be it jolly or sad.) The Irish have one, which is why the lot of them are good scrappers. The Germans... well, they have a month long festival dedicated to what we invented.

 

Tangents aside, lcohol is not an excuse at all. But that still doesn't give you an answer to your current dilemma.

 

If I followed my heart then I would stay with him and try to repair the damage but my head keeps saying I have to leave and move on because we could never repair the damage. I feel like 2.5 years meant nothing and that everything is tainted now.

 

The head can frequently get in the way of the heart's desire. But you know what? You can't rationalize love. Love, by its very nature, defies logic. So why try and be "rational" now?

 

All my friends think I should leave him and move on because they don't think they would be able to forgive and forget if they were in my shoes...BUT that is exactly what I would say to them if they were in my situation!

 

You'd tell them to try and work it out?

 

I'll wait for an answer to that before I say anything else.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by broken24

If I followed my heart then I would stay with him and try to repair the damage but my head keeps saying I have to leave and move on because we could never repair the damage. I feel like 2.5 years meant nothing and that everything is tainted now. I do honestly believe it was a BIG mistake but it happended so easy, whose to say he wouldn't do it again and then I'd be really kicking myself. Also the way I found out...I had no reason to think he had cheated yet I found out like I was meant to know.

 

 

I've forgiven a cheating girlfriend before now. It's bad but isn't the end of the world. It does bring up trust issues though, so you have to decide how willing he is to address the issues and how keen you are on him - once a cheat is *not* always a cheat.

 

And guilt is a strange thing - sometimes people can't bear to admit it directly, but will leave you clues so that you find out.

[broken24]

If I was giving advice to my friends about this then I would probably say they should dump the guy and move on as its hard to forgive and forget. But I would also say its up to them to decide, only they will know when they have had enough.

 

Love, by its very nature, defies logic. So why try and be "rational" now?

 

But then love blinds you, I need to figure out if I can forgive and forget. I need to decide what is it I want now from my life. Maybe the best thing is to move out and spend some time on my own soul searching and try to figure out this mess.

 

Its hard been in the same house, seeing him shattered and upset because he can see what he has done to me. He wants to make it better and don't want to wake up the next day and remember. Its hard for me because I feel like I am walking away from him, he is the person who can make me feel better about anything but yet he is the person who has hurt me so deeply. even though this is his fault not mine, I feel like I have done something wrong. I feel ashamed.

 

I keep thinking his punishment is to loose me.

[LindseyNY]

Broken- I recently went through a similar situation. FIrst of all stop doing the girl thing.. stop thinking your dumb for the way your feeling... your not! i promise! and whatever you do do not blame yourself.. if you were honest & faithful to him then it doesn not reflect on U it reflects on Him. I beat myself up for months thinking why? how could he? i would ask him these questions for days and weeks on ends while crying.. and the truth is there is no answers.... Its a 'mistake' it wasn't supposed to happen, it wasn't planned on .. but yet it hurts us so deeply.. and it will come up. i

 

have recently decided to give my cheater a second chance.. and he cheated 2X during our relationshiip- i found out all of it at once. and he swears he will change.. so they way i look at it now is that eventually i have to take a risk and put my heart back out there. So i would rather it be with him, i would rather better him and me as a couple. & make a stronger relationship- BUT if it happens again i have no one to blame but myself... So take some time for yourself to ask yourself can i live with out him? do i want to? can i find someone better? or is he the love of my life.. THEN ask yourself can you get over this. Thats where i am now...

 

I have realized he means a lot ot me and i love him more then i love life itself- only now i dont know how to get past it and trust again- i know i haev to if i want ot be withhim.. but i still lie in be dat night questioning if i shoudl just cut my loses and rubn the other way.. because seriously the next few weeks/months of your life will be hell.. im sorry but it will be.. i did the same **** not eating can't sleep- horrible images in your head.

 

His cell phone rings you question who it is.. you question is this the only time? it sucks.. its the hardest thing i've ever had to go through and at that point i never thought i'd make it. Lean on the ones around you the people on here. but try to think as clearly as you can- i know its hard, i know your hurt and your judgement is blurry.. but please put yourself first.. nobody deserves to be cheated on... and i believe my guy is truly sorry but.. i sitll wonder why ... i hope i helped u but I feel as i fi may have just confused you more... i guess maybe because i am in a similar situation..

 

But like i said before dont feel stupid.. you put everything into a relationship and were deceived.. its not your fault.. And it does hurt bad to think of not being with the one you love- why wouldn't it. It hurts to think that it may not get better- but maybe god has something better instore for you- maybe this guy just opened the door for the right one to come in.. or maybe it was a wake up call to him to change his ways before u involve children..

 

THink about what his parents were like and how he was raised.. did he cheat in past relationships.. is this a characteristic of him.. does he lie over things.. or is a truly a mistake.. good luck hun keep me posted...

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by broken24

I keep thinking his punishment is to loose me.

 

I understand this - I've been there. But it would be your punishment too to lose him Often in life forgive and forget is better... if you still love him and he is willing to change and be monitored in that change.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Broken24

 

I believe you should discuss the issue with him again, not allowing him to fob you off with ‘I was drunk’, There’s a reason for him cheating and when you find the real reason, you can find if you can work on fixing that reason and give yourselves a chance. If you cant fix the reason, then the cheating may happen again. You need to be honest with yourselves here which means leaving behind recriminations to get to the causes – then you can find out if what your heart says is worth following. The recriminations (ie you leaving him if necessary) can happen when you get to the causes. I don’t think you can make this decision based on the facts you know, you have to find out the facts you don’t know. If he cant tell you the reason reasons, then you don’t have much hope of having a reason to trust him.

 

If the reason really is ‘I was drunk’, he’s not to be trusted when drunk, and it’s not reasonable to expect him to never drink again therefore you should cut your losses.

 

Good luck

[HotCaliGirl]

I think you have to stay and work it out - especially since you love him so much. If you leave him, you're going to end up feeling hurt for a very long time and eventually meet someone who you may not love as much, since it sounds like in all other areas you are very pleased with him - something difficult to find in life.

 

As hurt as you are, let's be real - most partners cheat and sometimes women (or men) find out, sometimes they don't, but at least you have strong feelings for this guy and found out early on, so it gives you an opportunity to face this problem, discuss it and get him to agree not to cheat again. He might even appreciate and love you more for working with him on it instead of taking off when things get rocky.

 

Once you make a decision to stay though, you HAVE to put it behind you and not think about it any more so you don't lose your sanity. Think of it as a growth in your relationship - a hurdle that almost all couples encounter at some point - you have been there and ideally won't have to face it again in your long future together...

 

Again, the final call is yours because he c-h-e-a-t-e-d so if he says he won't do it again, I don't know how much weight his words will carry. The whole "I was drunk" thing is just an excuse - I don't buy that for a second and it is whimpy to even use it! I could get drunk, but the thought of my genitals with a stranger's in the bed of my lover behind his back would never be a consideration...

[jelly99]

i'm a male... i used to cheat on previous gf's, but never realized how much that hurts until someone cheated on me.

to forgive is easy, to forget it's the hard part. I couldnt handle it so I moved on. Lesson learned... now I dont cheat on my gf. dont listen to anyone here... these people are just giving their opinions... listen to what your heart says and if you feel that you can put this behind you, give it another chance.

[rabidfan]

Just got out of a cheating relationship myself..it's not worth the heartache to sit and stew

when you see signs of things that are wrong. I didn't listen to the people here on the forums

and decided to stick it out ..until more and more nights of hearing things from friends about my ex that

contradicted things she said and I got sick of it. I'm still dealing with the hurt of the breakup, for sure,

but I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than sit at home alone the nights she goes out

with her supposed friends and wonder "Will she make the right decision tonight when she's tempted"

 

just do it, break up with him. It hurts, I won't lie to you..but you'll be better off without a doubt.

He's clinging to someone who can be his stable shoulder to cry on - he's obviously too insecure and

immature and shallow to appreciate the fact you respect and love him and can give him that long term,

and has to seek one night stands. You don't need that **** - let him grow up and realize he screwed up

long term happiness.

[neptoon]

The cheating is not just about sex. The sex part of it is such a small thing in the bigger picture.

 

I've been where you are, Broken, having the same discussion with myself ... almost thinking myself into a mindset where it would be more noble of myself to forgive him and work it out.

 

BUT ... and there is a VERY big BUT here...

 

Can you trust this person to move ahead any further with your life? The sex part of it is a symbol of that trust and it is, perhaps, the most superficial element of a more long-term relationship.

 

Can you trust him to not take you children away from you? Can you trust him to help you through things and not behave selfishly when you really need him? What if you got into a car accident and it left you paralyzed and you were relying on him? Can you trust him to be there for you if that were to ever happen? Can you trust him not to abandon your hour of greatest need if he lacks the maturity to take on the relatively small task of fidelity?

 

Will you be able to put your life in his hands after he has violated such a small token of trust? Can you trust him to build and hold all your life's assets in both your names and not take off to the Cayman Islands with a lover when the fruits of your life's harvest has grown big enough? Can you trust him to look after the best interests of your children and not look after his own self-serving interests if something were to happen to you? Can you trust him to make the right decision for you if you were in a coma and there were small children involved? Can you trust him to tell him your deepest, darkest secrets and trust him to not use them against you when it is convenient for him to do so?

 

He might blame the whole thing on his being drunk -- even if this were the case, can you now trust his judgement? Can you trust him not to sign away your life's savings in a drunken state? He's shown you that he can't even keep his pants on after a few drinks. Can you really trust his judgement now?

 

Remember what marriage is all about: it is about trust -- for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.

 

We cannot answer these questions for you. It is something you have to ask yourself honestly -- can you trust this person with the bigger things in life if you cannot trust him with such a small thing as sex. I know it hurts. I'm sorry about what happened and I feel your pain.

 

I've been in your shoes and asked myself these same questions and the answers that I found were what left me broken-hearted. I might've been able to forgive the act of sex itself but I could not forgive the implications of what the infidelity meant with respect to his being my life partner.

 

You feel broken hearted now but I've seen people who've found this out the hard way after being married for 25 or 30 years. It pains me to see the look on their faces at the realization of having wasted such a large amount of time in a person and finding out that their partner should never have been trusted in the first place. There is nothing more saddening than looking at the regret and feeling (at the age of 70) that you wasted your life and the prime of your youth with this person.

 

Believe it or not, there are far greater betrayals of trust than infidelity, but those greater betrayals all start with infidelity. I've seen it with people more times than i can count. I've personally experienced that pain more times than I care to recall.

 

It is always better to rely on yourself than to place your trust in the wrong person.

 

Don't let fear of being alone cloud your judgement in making this life-altering decision. You will not be alone forever. I promise. If you're able to alter your perspective of this, your judgement will change and grow. You will look at potential partners in a different way. You will make new friends. Don't be afraid to go out by yourself. If you do get your own place, it also helps to do manual work on it -- make it your sanctuary, make it something that belongs to you. It helped me to get over some of the pain. I started taking different interest classes, took up some new hobbies, and learned a lot in the process. I made lots of new friends this way -- better friends than the ones I had before in my old life.

 

You did nothing wrong. You feel bad because, on the surface, your ego has been bruised. A patriarchial society has conditioned us to believe that if a man cheats on us, it is because we were not a good enough woman. That simply isn't true. He's the one that wasn't man enough to face his responsibilities BECAUSE he buckles to his self-serving impulses.

 

You are a good woman and there is a trustworthy man out there with his heart broken, who has learned the value of trust and has enough sense not to abuse that trust.

 

Stay strong, sister. You feel alone in this but KNOW that you aren't. A lot of people go through this at some point and, on the brighter side of it, it has brought me a deeper meaning of trust and how valuable it is.

 

EDITED FOR SPELLING MISTAKE.

[broken24]

Thank you very much for all the advice everyone has given me, I thought I was going mad trying to get answers from people I don't know and have never ever seen let alone met before. You have all been wonderful and it has made me feel not so alone in the world afterall. My problem also seems smaller than it use to.

 

My heart is still broken, the pain I feel is still very severe like I am going to die at any point (very dramatic I know!). I have come to realise the main reason I wanted to work this out with my boyfriend is because he is the person who makes me feel better when anything is troubling me and he makes me feel safe. He no longer makes me feel safe.

 

After much thought I have decided to leave him because I know in my heart that I will never forgive or forget what he has done to me. I feel like if I accepted it then it would change a part of me and I don't want that. I don't want to worry where he is and what he is doing because I am just not that type of person. I don't believe he truly loved me, not enough anyway because if he did then he would not have done this to me. I don't care how drunk you get, if you had the sense to use a condom then you had the sense to know what you are doing is wrong.

 

I'm still scared of been alone and have no idea how I will fill my time or how I will feel but I guess I will soon find out )

 

hello world goodbye lying cheating scumbag boyfriend!!!

[latesleeper]

Hi Broken24,

Glad to hear you have decided what you want. I think that's one of the hardest things to do. Your mind and heart tussling. Wondering if you're mad and unrealistic for wanting total commitment and devotion, wondering if it's just plain impossible and you should not have such high standards, questioning your own worth and your own feelings. It's normal, but what's great is, you decided you have every right to feel as you do and you don't want to second-guess yourself or suppress your needs. Good for you!

Take care and let us know how you're doing.