My wife cheated, we are back together. But how can we move on from the past?

[fellini]

Okay. She does not have to leave the job, it is not a requirement, as long as you can live with it. In fact, the more okay you are with it the stronger you will become because you don't fear her going back there, this is a good thing. This is because she initiated and was very clear about NC before even Dday.

 

Besides, new job would mean new male colleagues. You haven't gained anything.

 

Job, I agree, is a non issue. You'll continue to get people pushing this until you are green in the face. It's part of LS. Welcome.

 

I don't see the relevance of measuring your Betrayal by doing a math formula. (Thank goodness you didnt need a calculator because someone here did the math for you. I have never understood why people think there is some kind of inverse ration matrix to do that determines the detrimental level of an affair. IT'S ALL BAD.

My wife of 17 years did the same thing, although it didn't go on for 2 years because I caught it, and we ended it.

 

A LTR of 2 years puts this beyond an "affair" so you might want to do some reading on the kinds of affairs that come from a woman shortly after having child. There is a lot of research on this, especially a woman post 30's, in Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity I and II." Check out her page on womensinfidelity.com and see if the pattern of infidelity in women aged 30 plus coincides with the story of the affair your wife has given you. If it does, its a good idea to try to get a hold of the two volumes (they are availabe in PDF format in the web) and BOTH of you read them. Some of her stuff I can live without, but the stuff on how a woman stays in two relationships during 2, 5, 10 years is very well discussed. Just check to see if your WS's story more or less is coherant with what Langley talks about in terms of LIMBO on her website (this information is right on the home page)

 

Now what I have had to do as a BS to help me overcome emotional, triggers, and intrusions is to use self hypnosis. There are some specific for people struggling with intrusions as a result of infidelity. I had a couple of sessions that were awesome. Some times, it just helped to clear them. They are available to buy and download online, google is your friend, LS does not like links to commercial products so I will not say more about them.

 

Also I have music I have always used for emotional stress and probably you do to. I use Keith Jarrett's Koln Concert Song 1. I use it to take myself through the pain of trauma and come out more or less free of the pain. It's a form of meditation in which you use the music to take you INTO what is actually causing you pain, and you use it to come out.

 

I do not think that MC is necessarily the best treatment. I do not need to go BACK and talk about the past, I need to move forward. So instead of MC I have worked a little with Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness. He has no interest in dealing with infidelity by dealing with the past, only moving beyond the pain. Worth a look if not a try.

 

All the best, hang in there, it's a process.

Edited June 23, 2014 by fellini

[BetrayedH]

I have only read your original post, not the rest of the thread, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.

 

Conventional wisdom says it takes 2-5 years to recovery from infidelity. In yiur post, you said something about needing to be past this "soon." Ironically, your efforts to speed things up will slow them down. Fast is slow and slow is fast.

 

You do have a couple of things going for you. First, she ended the affair of her own accord (as far as we know) and second, she voluntarily confessed. Statistically, that doubles the chances of reconciling. These things speak to true remorse on her part and perhap more importantly, that she has learned something about the necessity of honesty in a marriage. So, you may be closer to the 2 years than the 5 years.

 

But you will remain skeptical (for good reason) for quite some time to come and you will suffer from mind movies and other triggers regardless of her remorse. You cannot rug sweep these things (again, that slows your recovery). You cannot go around the affair; you must go through it. Give up on the desire for a quick fix that brought you here. What is going to make things improve the most is here consistent actions over time. It's not just the time; what she does with the time is critical. But there is no getting past the fact that it is going to take time. The question for yourself is more about how much patience you have. She did the crime but you will do the time.

[DKT3]

I know its hard to think about, but you have to have the childs DNA tested. She lied and hide this affair from you, she could be lying about when it started. This is a very common lie with WS. Mine lied about when it started and ended. Our child was also concieved before her A, but it was too close not to test.

 

As far as the mind movies? Its been seven years and I still don't go a day without thinking about it. As time passes they will have less affect on your mode and become less painful.

 

What did you ww do while you were apart to show she wanted to be married? This is an important time, and goes a long way to show what R will be like.

[bubbaganoosh]

Okay. She does not have to leave the job, it is not a requirement, as long as you can live with it. In fact, the more okay you are with it the stronger you will become because you don't fear her going back there, this is a good thing. This is because she initiated and was very clear about NC before even Dday.

 

Besides, new job would mean new male colleagues. You haven't gained anything.

 

Job, I agree, is a non issue. You'll continue to get people pushing this until you are green in the face. It's part of LS. Welcome.

 

I don't see the relevance of measuring your Betrayal by doing a math formula. (Thank goodness you didnt need a calculator because someone here did the math for you. I have never understood why people think there is some kind of inverse ration matrix to do that determines the detrimental level of an affair. IT'S ALL BAD.

My wife of 17 years did the same thing, although it didn't go on for 2 years because I caught it, and we ended it.

 

A LTR of 2 years puts this beyond an "affair" so you might want to do some reading on the kinds of affairs that come from a woman shortly after having child. There is a lot of research on this, especially a woman post 30's, in Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity I and II." Check out her page on womensinfidelity.com and see if the pattern of infidelity in women aged 30 plus coincides with the story of the affair your wife has given you. If it does, its a good idea to try to get a hold of the two volumes (they are availabe in PDF format in the web) and BOTH of you read them. Some of her stuff I can live without, but the stuff on how a woman stays in two relationships during 2, 5, 10 years is very well discussed. Just check to see if your WS's story more or less is coherant with what Langley talks about in terms of LIMBO on her website (this information is right on the home page)

 

Now what I have had to do as a BS to help me overcome emotional, triggers, and intrusions is to use self hypnosis. There are some specific for people struggling with intrusions as a result of infidelity. I had a couple of sessions that were awesome. Some times, it just helped to clear them. They are available to buy and download online, google is your friend, LS does not like links to commercial products so I will not say more about them.

 

Also I have music I have always used for emotional stress and probably you do to. I use Keith Jarrett's Koln Concert Song 1. I use it to take myself through the pain of trauma and come out more or less free of the pain. It's a form of meditation in which you use the music to take you INTO what is actually causing you pain, and you use it to come out.

 

I do not think that MC is necessarily the best treatment. I do not need to go BACK and talk about the past, I need to move forward. So instead of MC I have worked a little with Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness. He has no interest in dealing with infidelity by dealing with the past, only moving beyond the pain. Worth a look if not a try.

 

All the best, hang in there, it's a process.

 

I don't agree for this reason. She has to see this guy everyday at work and he has strong feelings for her and it's obvious that she has a hard time knowing right from wrong since she cheated on him.

 

Now this wasn't a ONS, it was a 2 years affair and so there were some feelings besides sexual involved, so IMO if she continues hanging around this guy, and her track record, I wouldn't feel real secure if I was her husband.

 

Another thing. If I were her husband, this friend she has that knew about the affair would never again be in the picture.

 

If anything, he should be taking anything she says with a grain of salt. She has a two year affair and they have only been married 5 years tells me that he's only going to get hurt again.

[Clay]

I don't see how this is going to work out for you. Just as the others posted already she did not tell you about it. She hid it from you. You had to find out on your own. She did it for 2 years. I mean lets get real. She really loves you? I seriously doubt that. She only stayed with you is because she probably felt she would have a better financially secure life with you. Its only a matter of time before she does it again.

 

People that cheat and get no consequences of it do it again. Why? Because we let them.

 

DNA test your child. Get all the STD testing done and walk away. You don't have to stay with her to be a good father. Your kid will be better off in the long run seeing you live a happy healthy life than knowing there is always something wrong with mom and dad.

 

Clay

[fellini]

I don't agree for this reason. She has to see this guy everyday at work and he has strong feelings for her and it's obvious that she has a hard time knowing right from wrong since she cheated on him.

 

Now this wasn't a ONS, it was a 2 years affair and so there were some feelings besides sexual involved, so IMO if she continues hanging around this guy, and her track record, I wouldn't feel real secure if I was her husband.

 

Another thing. If I were her husband, this friend she has that knew about the affair would never again be in the picture.

 

If anything, he should be taking anything she says with a grain of salt. She has a two year affair and they have only been married 5 years tells me that he's only going to get hurt again.

 

My WS continues to work in the same Faculty as her AP. He continues to be in love with her. She has not broken NC even though he tries to put himself in her environment once in a while. He knows now its not going to happen.

 

The simple fact of the matter is a marriage can only move forward if the WS no longer wishes to be with the AP.

 

IN other words, the AFFAIR IS OVER.

 

Nothing, not work, not anything, is going to change anything: either it is over and the WS no longer thinks about being or attempts to be with the AP or NOT. You do not have to work with an AP to contact him/her.

 

But knowing its over, and still being able to work at the same place (not sharing a desk I presume) is actually an amazing form of trust building.

[Leelou]

Your wife cheated, you are back together, but you are suffering and want to know how to stop suffering when you think of what she did...

 

Then you need to care about her less.

Like she cared less for you.

 

I am married to a man who is like your wife... allow me to tell you how it goes... she cheated, tired of him, wanted to draw closer to you, allowed herself to 'slip up' to make you 'discover' her and oh -- the Drama was gratifying to her.

 

She shows remorse, blah blah blah, and you suffer. You watch her closely, she behaves.

Guess what?

The minute she's had her fun with you and the whole Making Up drama, it'll be back to Hunting Grounds for her.

She will cheat and have several affairs before she gets bored, and again needs to 'wake YOU up' and lets slip and tells you all, cries, begs for forgiveness... by that stage you've got another child in the family, and you don't want to break up the happy family, and your self-confidence has taken a knock, because of how you've allowed her to treat you and yet you still took her back.

 

Good luck. She's a cheater. She always will yearn to go back to her happy hunting grounds when she's bored with you. And she WILL get bored. It's part of who she is. She's a master manipulator and enjoys getting what she wants. Being selfish and willing to be a cheater and a liar is not something you change overnight, or in several months. By the time you are settled and quiet down, and begin to believe in her and trust her again, she will be bored and back to hunting for a new dick.

 

That's how it goes.

 

My husband has had several affairs. I am tired. But he is masterful. He actually deserves to be married to someone like your wife, but he wouldn't settle for someone like that.

Neither would your wife.

 

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER. She will do it again and again. And you will have already been damaged.

The only chance you have to save yourself is to dump her ass now and walk away. And -- she will cheat on her next husband too.

My husband was married before, he cheated on her too. She dumped him. He didn't change. You'd think he 'learned his lesson' but nope, he is who he is. You cannot change people's characters.

 

Your wife is a cheater.

[Appreciate]

Fellini, I think yours is a very rare case. However, I do see how you apply the parallel to the OP's case. But the question should be about what the OP wants, not what his wife is capable of or not.

[Trustnoone]

Stronghusband

 

Two year affair with a co-worker. My WW said six months, but 18-24 months more accurate. Affair ended before you found out. Same with my WW. Was found out by you reading her texts. My WW found by sending him a personal email, only one by the way. Says she loves you, is remorseful, and regrets the affair. Same with my WW. Contact his wife if married, don't tell your wife you are doing this. I did it. WW wasn't real happy but sge will get over it when you explain why. OM because worried about his own marriage. Employment, if he is her boss, exposé. I didn't expose at work but put pressure on him to leave. Something you need to know for R is she did NOT come to you with this information. This makes R more difficult. You will live in the past because you are unsure of what is true.

 

How do you know she doesn't use work communication to talk to him? Does she see him in person? All communication you can't monitor or verify. This ate me alive. I thought I was strong enough to handle this but it just kept eating at me. Get her or him to quit. Why did it end? Guilt? Two years worth? Find out why she risked everything if infidelity is a deal breaker for you. I face these same questions each day, it sucks. Mind movies, get better with time but for me still a big cause of my pain. The worst part? She is capable of cheating. Point blank that is my pain. She can, she will, she did. Time helps but it's slow. You can pm me if you have any other questions. We are in MC by the way which does help.

[tom670]

You are going to go crazy wondering what she is doing with him at work she has to at least get her resume out there and start the process of looking for another job.

[Trustnoone]

Could not agree more!! This was a big reason I was suicidal for 13 months.

[LovemySons]

First of all, good for you for your effort to make your marriage work! I think that's awesome...many can't find a way to move on. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it!

 

It's going to take time for these thoughts not to be at the very front of your mind. I would definitely consider MC. A trained therapist will be able to help you and your wife work through what caused the affair in the first place and to help you find healing in your relationship. I don't know that you'll be able to do it on your own. Praying it all works out!

[aliveagain]

I understand that you want your marriage to work but it is in your best interests to talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, know what your getting into and what rights your giving up by doing so. Remember, she left you for another man for two years, she unfortunately forgot to tell you. Having a two year affair takes an amazing amount of planning, no other man hangs around that long unless there are plenty of benefits for doing so or she has led him to believe that your marriage was dead and she was leaving you for him.

 

Your wife just came out of two years of deception and lying, the woman you married was a lie, this is the real wife you now see in front of you. The other one was just a facade she used to land you. You owe her nothing, you don't owe her a second chance but you do owe it to yourself to protect yourself and your children. This is why you need to talk to a lawyer, talk to him about a post nuptial agreement or any similar legal document giving you the advantage in a divorce including child custody. Your always strongest at time of confrontation, use that to your advantage. Think with your head and not your heart. If you stay, get rid of your rings, she trashed everything they stood for. Have her write a timeline of all events, the information may help you if things don't work out and you end up in a pissing match over custody and assets.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hey OP, I feel your pain, but maybe, just maybe, the problem is YOU.. Yes, I said you, let me explain.

 

I went through the same garbage w/ my WXW. I had the chance to R a couple of times, and I did entertain the idea of trying to fix the marriage. I have a young daughter, we had a life, home, friends, and all that stuff; who would want to leave all that?

 

The real problem is that just like you, the thought of what she did drove me bat-sh@% crazy and I knew that "I" would never move on from it. Look, if infidelity is a deal breaker, so be it. It was for me and although the road has been difficult and long, I have come out of it OK. I own this! Yeah, she cheated, but it's ME that cannot let go.

 

By no means is your WW's A your fault, but examine where YOU are at, and how YOU feel. Don't stay for the sake of the child. I did what I did because someday my daughter will ask dad what happened, and I want her to know what a promise and a commitment mean as well as her dad wan no doormat.

 

Good luck, I do feel and understand what you are going through.

[Owl]

My WS continues to work in the same Faculty as her AP. He continues to be in love with her. She has not broken NC even though he tries to put himself in her environment once in a while. He knows now its not going to happen.

 

The simple fact of the matter is a marriage can only move forward if the WS no longer wishes to be with the AP.

 

IN other words, the AFFAIR IS OVER.

 

Nothing, not work, not anything, is going to change anything: either it is over and the WS no longer thinks about being or attempts to be with the AP or NOT. You do not have to work with an AP to contact him/her.

 

But knowing its over, and still being able to work at the same place (not sharing a desk I presume) is actually an amazing form of trust building.

 

It can...sometimes...occasionally, be done this way.

 

There is yourself and other posters here on the forum who have indeed successfully reconciled while the fWS still works with their xAP.

 

But, it's a calculated risk on two fronts.

 

First...if the affair was NOT completely ended by the fWS's own decision...if there are any residual feelings for their xAP...then the risk of resuming the affair remains. This is reduced in situations where true NC is in place and enforced. It sets the stage to prevent that recurrence through casual contact.

 

Secondly, it's much, much harder for the BS to regain trust...for the fWS to rebuild trust...in a situation where contact of any kind continues. Again, I can see that it DOES happen in some cases...but that's far more the exception than the rule from what I've seen (and we both know you don't always agree with what I've seen either).

 

I would recommend to the OP that his wife SHOULD change her job if at all possible...as this sets the stage for recovery based on my comments above.

 

I would also agree with the suggestion that he have his child DNA tested...for the reasons cited earlier. It doesn't hurt anything to have it done, and it can set the stage for more trust on his part by doing so.

 

Last thought...the pain isn't going to go away miraculously.

 

It can fade, over a long time, as a result of very hard effort on your part and your wife's part in rebuilding and reconciling your marriage.

 

There is no quick fix. It's a marathon run...not a sprint to the finish.

[fellini]

My case is not rare. Not in the least.

 

The point for anyone who thinks that the BS has to insist his WS leave her job is that the AFFAIR does because of where one works. Work is were people meet, nothing more. And men and women are going to be working together for the rest of their lives. NO ONE can stop anyone from meeting people at their workplace. I would understand your point if you insisted that the BS demand his WS leave her job and stay at home and put a nanny cam on her all day. Maybe even one of those GPS ankle bracelets. And maybe lock her up in the house. That should do the trick.

 

Or you can just accept that the WS is working on reconciliation, has learned her lesson both inside herself, and externally experiencing through the trauma she has caused her SO. And that she really wants nothing more to do with work place affairs. Because if you do not believe that is possible, you should not bother with reconciliation in the first place. And this is precisely what many here believe.

 

 

Fellini, I think yours is a very rare case. However, I do see how you apply the parallel to the OP's case. But the question should be about what the OP wants, not what his wife is capable of or not.

Edited June 23, 2014 by fellini

[drifter777]

So, you are committed to staying with your WW no matter what. She's still seeing her AP every day and you think it's fine. I think if you caught her in bed with him you would find a way to rationalize it and keep trying to work on your marriage. But this is all so new to you - the wounds so fresh - that I understand where you are at.

 

One problem is that what you want is to find some kind of a magic wand that will take away all the pain you feel when you think of what she did or picture in your mind her screwing him. I'm sorry to break it to you but that's just not how infidelity works. These mental images will torture you for a long, long time. And if you continue to lie to yourself about your feelings then they are not going to get any better over time. What you are doing is like wishing for a pill that will make you lose weight while watching TV on the couch. You can believe the ad, you can take the pill, you can lay on the couch - you can do all these things and I guarantee that you will not lose weight. It doesn't work this way - you have to find and face the heart of the problem. Same with being betrayed by your wife. Hiding behind your cheap forgiveness is not going to help you or your marriage. Find a counselor for yourself and start the healing process. Since you have a child I think it's well worth the pain and hard work you are going to go through during any attempt to reconcile. But whatever you do, don't think that what you are doing right now is healthy or that it will work for you in the long run.

[drifter777]

My case is not rare. Not in the least.

 

The point for anyone who thinks that the BS has to insist his WS leave her job is that the AFFAIR does because of where one works. Work is were people meet, nothing more. And men and women are going to be working together for the rest of their lives. NO ONE can stop anyone from meeting people at their workplace.

Really? Nothing more? How about having sex with a co-worker even though you are married? This is what your wife did and what OP's wife did. Insisting that the WS leave their job when the AP is someone they work with is what nearly any infidelity expert would tell you is the right thing to do. She has feelings for this man - she had sex with him many dozens of times. They shared looks and smiles and touches for YEARS while on the job - in the workplace. There are exceptions to everything, but believing your case is going to be one of those exceptions is a very poor plan.

[fellini]

Really? Nothing more? How about having sex with a co-worker even though you are married? This is what your wife did and what OP's wife did. Insisting that the WS leave their job when the AP is someone they work with is what nearly any infidelity expert would tell you is the right thing to do. She has feelings for this man - she had sex with him many dozens of times. They shared looks and smiles and touches for YEARS while on the job - in the workplace. There are exceptions to everything, but believing your case is going to be one of those exceptions is a very poor plan.

 

But you sort of cleverly edited out the rest of what I said didn't you, the part about unless she changes jobs and works in a nunnery he is going to have to keep her on a leash to ensure she never ever meets a man at work ever again.

 

And you also assume that if she never works with him she wont know how to contact him. Everyone knows that once two people hook up at work they develop their own system for communication, and surely this WS has an idea of how to connect to the AP if that is what she wants. So work is a non issue, really because it never solves the central point which we all know is the real question: UNDER THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES WILL SHE DO IT AGAIN?

 

Experts in infidelity will also tell you its about the choices she makes, not about the men who work in her building.

[Realist3]

Hi. I am a 32 year old male married for 5 years to my beautiful 35-year-old wife. We have an adorable three year old daughter. To cut the story short, I found out that my wife has cheated on me for 2 years with her office mate. That was around year-3 to year-5 of our marriage.

 

The day that I found out about it, their 2-year affair was over for three months already. I found sign of her affair such as: I had been diagnosed with UTI/NSU, our frequency of making love has been reduced to once a week from almost everyday, and signs of her lack of intimacy with me. But I all ignored those signed because I trust her, and I knew she would never do that to me. But I was wrong.

 

My wife ended it because she wanted to fix what she has done and to go back to me.

 

That day was the most horrible day of my life. I went away from our apartment and I stayed with my parents' house leaving her to take care of all expenses of our apartment which we shared before.

 

During this time, the time we are apart, I realized that I can forgive her and accept her mistake. So, we talked. I told her that I was still willing to give it one more try. But only one more. She told me the same thing. So after a couple of days, we were together again.

 

But now, the memory of what she has done is haunting me. The times she had with the OM.. emotionally and physically... I can still feel the pain. Although we talk about these things whenever they are haunting us, it still seem like it comes back everyday. It is difficult. I know we have to get over this soon.

 

We still love each other, I know I can feel it from her and I also make her feel that I love her. We are both working on this improved, more mature relationship that we have.

 

But the pain when I remember what happened.... what can I do about it? I feel that everything is okay except for these memories of her past. It is driving me crazy every single effin day. It also makes her so guilty about what she has done.

 

I know that we need time for the pain (for me) and guilt (for her) to both heal. But anyone in this forum who can help to ease out the pain even for a little? It will help a lot. Thanks.

 

2 years? It is done.

[road]

OP, you need to tell the OMW.

 

 

Then you must get a DNA test.

 

 

Last your WW must go NC, no contact with the OM. That means she has to leave that job.

[drifter777]

But you sort of cleverly edited out the rest of what I said didn't you, the part about unless she changes jobs and works in a nunnery he is going to have to keep her on a leash to ensure she never ever meets a man at work ever again.

 

And you also assume that if she never works with him she wont know how to contact him. Everyone knows that once two people hook up at work they develop their own system for communication, and surely this WS has an idea of how to connect to the AP if that is what she wants. So work is a non issue, really because it never solves the central point which we all know is the real question: UNDER THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES WILL SHE DO IT AGAIN?

 

Experts in infidelity will also tell you its about the choices she makes, not about the men who work in her building.

Its not about any man, its about her affair partner. And certainly she will find a way to hook up with him if that's what she wants to do. Its just that it should make NC easier for her if she doesn't see him every day at work!

 

Look, you don't see the harm and you are in charge of your own life. What I'm trying to do is advise OP that NC is nearly impossible for his wife if she works with this guy and without NC reconciliation is much more difficult.

[bubbaganoosh]

But you sort of cleverly edited out the rest of what I said didn't you, the part about unless she changes jobs and works in a nunnery he is going to have to keep her on a leash to ensure she never ever meets a man at work ever again.

 

And that's why I believe that if you cheat, your gone because there's no way in hell that I'm spending the rest of my life keeping constant tabs on the woman who was supposed to remain faithful to me and having to sleep, eat, work, pee and crap always looking over my shoulder wondering if her pants are up or down. Just isn't worth living a life like that. There's always someone better.

[HereNorThere]

OP, look, I'm going to lay it out for you. This wasn't one mistake. His was of your marriage, all day and all night for years deception. From the time she woke up till the time she went to bed, she was lying to you. What everyone is try to say is, if she is capable of that, she is capable of anything. Of course she is going to minimize everything but that's just a given.

 

I'm going to give you the best advice on this thread. Since it looks like you are not willing to make sure there are consequences to her actions, the next option is to look into acceptance of being the husband of a women who cheats. Honestly, there's a whole subculture of being a cuckold. That's ok, some men realize their wives are free spirits and encourage them to be so and thats their choice.

 

Your journey now isn't about accepting her 2 years worth of lies; it's about accepting that your partner is going to have relationships with other people. It's ok, lots of men are even willing to hold the camera while they are doing it. There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's your choice. Sure, you may have to explain to your kid that you're weekend dad and momma new fling is weekday day dad, but lots of people have to do that.

 

OP - for real, if you really want your marriage to last (and you shouldn't, you have to leave for a while and show her what its like to be a single parent) and no ****ing way should she keep that job. You need to expose her, you family, her family, her job, OMs family...... Not for revenge but for the fact that within the next few years you are GOING TO BE IN THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE for that kid. She isn't going to stop, she's ill. You need to do everything in your power to make sure she can't ever influence that kid, man.

Edited June 24, 2014 by HereNorThere

[HereNorThere]

Think of your kid, man. Anyone who could throw away their one year old kids happy family future like that is cold man. I know it hard, but you made a mistake. You choose the wrong mother for your child, PLEASE DONT CONTINUE to raise her around someone so cold,