My wife cheated, we are back together. But how can we move on from the past?

[HermioneG]

Exactly- it is how the time is spent that matters, not just turning of the calendar pages. Thank you for clarifying that for me- I realized in his response that he missed that was what I meant, and I am glad you clarified.

Edited June 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HermioneG]

People that do reconciliation do so by allowing the cheated on spouse to express their anger and hurt feelings until they heal. By putting her hurt for having cheated on him on the same level as his hurt for being cheated on, what the OP is doing is a type of rug sweeping, and rug sweeping rarely works to give you long term reconciliation. Also when I say that the lover is waiting in the wings, the wife still works with her lover as she has given the OP an excuse as to why she will not change jobs; she needs to change jobs right now to get her 2 year lover that is still in love with her out of her life.

 

Bottom line, contrary to your point of view, rug sweeping and letting her stay at the same job as her lover is not a prerequisite for reconciliation. It is in fact a killer of reconciliation.

 

 

I agree with this so much my head is feeling dizzy from nodding.

[revelations]

I disagree. The problem of being lied to was for me the more understandable. If one is going to cheat, one has got to lie. Lying comes easy.

 

The bigger problems for me are the ACTIVITIES that went on, KNOWING that love was involved, and the being the backup plan to someone who you thought was number 1 and that it was reciprocated.

 

Really, I do not understand the enormous emphasis on the "lying". If my wife lied to me about the cost of a fur coat, thinking it would soften the blow of the purchase, I wouldn't see armageddon. But if my wife told me she bought a coat, and it was in fact a gift from her AP, that would really hurt. Not the lie, the gift.

 

Everything that an AP did with my WS is his gift to her. This is for me, the BIGGEST hurdle in recovering from an A. Not the lies. The lies are part of the game. The lies AFTER the affair hurt more than the lies of the affair. But nothing kills like the affair itself.

 

This is were everyone has a different perspective and what is correct for one person is not for another. Let's say you have two men that were both cheated on. Both of the WW preformed a sexual act for the OM that they have always refused their husbands even after the affair and they both pursued the OM. One BH will find the sexual activities that his WW did for the OM and refuses him to be the most painful thing. While the other BH will not be bothered by the sexual activity as much and find the fact that his WW pursued the OM to be the most troubling aspect.

 

To me the lie is not simply about getting something that she wanted. To me it is a sign of great disrespect for me as a human being. That lie shows me that she wanted the OM and also wanted to still continue to use me. For me the longer that lie continues the more I see it as trying to maximize the damage that is done to me. Now please don't get me wrong, I rank the sex that she had with him that she always refused me to be way up their also on this list of many things that were very disturbing to me. However lying was a major factor for me leaving my xWW.

[StrongHusband]

Well, I tried a different approach now. I feel that I really have to let out my depression, the painful memories, the hurt... and when I do this, my wife blames herself for what she has done.

 

But come to think of it, when this happens, it ends up me comforting her. Should it be that I am the one that should be comforted by her? Even if she feels guilty and regretful. Even if she does something everyday that proves her love to me.

 

Then last night happened. I am thinking of separation because when the time comes that I share to her the pain of the past, I do not get the comforting I wanted. She probably does comfort me to a certain level, but that does not satisfy the comfort I am looking for. So last night this happened, we ended up fighting instead. She is blaming herself again for what she did and she feels like she cannot do anything that can fix our marriage. I wanting her to comfort me, but she is not doing it. So I brought up separation.

 

I actually am expecting for her to at least reject my suggestion to separate. But she did not. I guess, she really wants separation as well..

 

Right now I am at my parents' house. Feeling regretful. I want us to get back together, but if I cannot get the comfort I needed from my wife who cheated on me I think separation is worth it. Still hurting... hope is fading.

[greenbee81]

I'm sorry, I could never tolerate that

 

 

Op, I hope you find a resolution, especially with your child.

[StrongHusband]

During the time I am hurting, is it too much to ask for my wife to set aside her guilt & regrets and comfort me instead?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Tell her that just like you've said here. " Right now it needs to be about me and my pain, I need you to comfort me".

 

What would be comforting to you? We all want our spouses to read our minds, I remember thinking I just want H to hold me not say a word, definitely not pat my back. Just wrap his arms around me and hold me.

 

But that's not what happened because I didn't ask him to.

 

If you can open yourself up and allow your pain to show I think she will comfort you. It appears you are being "the strong husband" and taking the brunt of the work. Its her turn now.

 

The reprieve is good for you now and a seperation may not be the worst thing in the world but like Fellini suggested a negotiated seperation. Did you google it? there is lots of information on line. Although a counselor should really be involved as a unbiased outsider. I'm sorry your hurting. I know as women sometimes we don't recognize the pain in a man because we are used to your strength.

[StrongHusband]

Tell her that just like you've said here. " Right now it needs to be about me and my pain, I need you to comfort me".

 

What would be comforting to you? We all want our spouses to read our minds, I remember thinking I just want H to hold me not say a word, definitely not pat my back. Just wrap his arms around me and hold me.

 

But that's not what happened because I didn't ask him to.

 

If you can open yourself up and allow your pain to show I think she will comfort you. It appears you are being "the strong husband" and taking the brunt of the work. Its her turn now.

 

The reprieve is good for you now and a seperation may not be the worst thing in the world but like Fellini suggested a negotiated seperation. Did you google it? there is lots of information on line. Although a counselor should really be involved as a unbiased outsider. I'm sorry your hurting. I know as women sometimes we don't recognize the pain in a man because we are used to your strength.

 

Yeah... she knows I am the strong one. But the problem with that is, she does not see that I needed her to comfort me.

 

Actually, I have told her that I need to let out my pain, my hurt. And I also told her she needs to set aside her guilt sometimes and comfort me first when that happens. She knows that already. But last night, I don't know what happened why we fought. Maybe I brought up separation, and I didn't get the response from her I was looking for. So the argument started, then the separation followed.

 

I am losing hope. I want to be with my wife. I know I can be happier with others, but I still want to be with my WW. Am I stupid?

Edited June 27, 2014 by StrongHusband

[HereNorThere]

Yeah... she knows I am the strong one. But the problem with that is, she does not see that I needed her to comfort me.

 

Actually, I have told her that I need to let out my pain, my hurt. And I also told her she needs to set aside her guilt sometimes and comfort me first when that happens. She knows that already. But last night, I don't know what happened why we fought. Maybe I brought up separation, and I didn't get the response from her I was looking for. So the argument started, then the separation followed.

 

I am losing hope. I want to be with my wife. I know I can be happier with others, but I still want to be with my WW. Am I stupid?

 

In a lot of cases, the same limited capacity for empathy that causes some betrayal correlates with a limited capacity for nurturance. Some people simply can not console others. Also, she is dealing with multiple levels of pain. On one hand, she has guilt of the pain she's caused her family, on the other, she is going through the break up of a long term, idealistic relationship. It's healthy to have some time apart, but do not make any long term decisions while you're emotional.

 

Personally, I think she's testing you. STAY STRONG!

 

OP, she must know that any contact with OM during this time is still a dealbreaker.

[fellini]

Yeah... she knows I am the strong one. But the problem with that is, she does not see that I needed her to comfort me.

 

Actually, I have told her that I need to let out my pain, my hurt. And I also told her she needs to set aside her guilt sometimes and comfort me first when that happens. She knows that already. But last night, I don't know what happened why we fought. Maybe I brought up separation, and I didn't get the response from her I was looking for. So the argument started, then the separation followed.

 

I am losing hope. I want to be with my wife. I know I can be happier with others, but I still want to be with my WW. Am I stupid?

 

No you are not stupid. I understand what you are going through, I have been there, and many days still, 14 months down the road, this is repeated. I still discuss with my WS that she seems to want to make herself the victim now. The victim of my pain and suffering which she thinks she can decide for how long it has to endure. 8 months of trickle truth and continuous lying about the details of the affair made our R much more painful, longer, and difficult. But she "counts" that as her suffering too.

 

Recently she has been telling me how I need to meet her needs for making her feel good about herself. She wants to say things, and have me respond with caresses and hugs and sweet talk. The thing is, the very thing she is asking for is what she went to the AP to get and this causes me to go cold, frozen, triggered and backwards.

 

I still harbor separation as a treatment. Not as a tactic to get her around. I still consider that what we need is time apart, again, for the second time, but this time for other forms of treatment. The last time it was for her to rid herself of her images of the AP, and now I think we need it to discover if we both, really, want this marriage.

 

Perhaps the issue is still being in love with the concept of our WW from that time before we knew anything. Do we really want the new version? This is not an easy question to answer by any means. So much is at play, and while emotions are raw, and anger and hurt are still on the surface, I always found it was best NOT to make hard irreversible decisions.

 

About her, she must forgive herself also, for her errors, for her loss of dignity in the face of it all. If she does not forgive herself, she will see herself only as a broken person, and there is little hope for forward movement without it. Forgiving herself IS NOT the same thing as you forgiving her, so it's not what you are seeking, it's what she needs to seek for herself.

Edited June 27, 2014 by fellini

[road]

Separating never helps the healing.

[redtail]

In the end, you will be the one disappointed. I feel for you, because I know what you're going through, and I know what has to be done. You just don't want to face it.

 

This is true, in retrospect I understand this better since I was like you, I wanted to reconcile with my (ex)wife. So I too know what you're going through, but I also know, the odds that your wife is being genuine with you is slim, at best.

 

Separating never helps the healing.

Who's healing exactly? I respectfully disagree, once I made the decision, a hard one I'll admit, a weight was lifted from me and I felt better going forward.

 

In my opinion, I'm thinking your wife is seeing a way back with this OM, you may want to consider your options. Once a divorce is inevitable, do it quickly, do not look back. I hated this advise when I got it, but it was the best advise anyone gave me looking back.

[HermioneG]

Separating never helps the healing.

 

I think it depends upon how you approach it.

 

I can say that without the six month separation we had, at my request, we would not still be married. I would have filed for divorce instead of separation, and not looked back. Separation let me get my bearings, calm down, and focus on things that truly mattered.

 

Everyone's experience may differ, but please don't use the word never. I am a case that invalidates it. And I am not alone.

[drifter777]

In my opinion, I'm thinking your wife is seeing a way back with this OM

OP: Exactly my first thought. Prepare for the chance that this separation is the final death rattle of your marriage. If it is then it was meant to turn out this way.

[fellini]

Separating never helps the healing.

 

A structured separation is precisely what worked for WS and I. I have no idea why you choose to use such all encompassing works like "never".

 

It's widely understood to be a healthy way to break through an impasse when the emotions are getting in the way of real healing.

[Owl]

I tihnk that the major concern that most BS's have post d-day with seperation is the possibility of the affair resuming while the spouses are apart.

 

My wife and I considered a seperation post d-day as well, and this was a key concern of mine. A valid one, as I found out later...she had indeed planned on viewing herself as 'free to explore relationships with whoever she wanted to' during that proposed seperation.

 

When I realized that she intended that seperation to be a year long, at a minimum, I did some research on the divorce process here in our state, and the next evening sat her down to discuss our options.

 

I let her know that I was not willing to be seperated for that long...as I saw no hope that our marriage could reconcile after that much time apart, especially if she opted to 'explore relationships'. I told her that instead, we would divorce completely...now. If she wanted that time to be with others, she was welcome to it...but she'd no longer have the option of keeping me in the wings waiting for her, my life on hold all that time hoping she'd come back. If something brought us back together later, maybe we could see where that went...but I wasn't going to put my life on hold like that for her.

 

That was the night she made her choice to reconcile and rebuild our marriage.

 

With that said...others have indicated that it worked for them. I guess the real decision maker here is clearly the OP. It's his marriage...up to him to figure out what he wants to do going forward.

[stillafool]

Yeah... she knows I am the strong one. But the problem with that is, she does not see that I needed her to comfort me.

 

Actually, I have told her that I need to let out my pain, my hurt. And I also told her she needs to set aside her guilt sometimes and comfort me first when that happens. She knows that already. But last night, I don't know what happened why we fought. Maybe I brought up separation, and I didn't get the response from her I was looking for. So the argument started, then the separation followed.

 

I am losing hope. I want to be with my wife. I know I can be happier with others, but I still want to be with my WW. Am I stupid?

 

Have you told her you need to be comforted? I'm asking because she may feel that you are disgusted with her when you express how you feel and thinks you don't want to be touched by her. Tell her what you need and if it doesn't change you have your answer. She should be bending over backwards to make this up to you not get lost in her own self pity.

[fellini]

I am a BS and the idea of a structured separation has always been mine.

 

But I really think that some people do not know what a structured separation actually is, and if they cared to look it up, they would find that most of the doubts about what might happen are not relevant. Structured separations are part of the process of reconciliation, and just as reconciliation is impossible if both spouses are not agreed upon the terms, neither is structured separation productive without the consent of both, and the terms.

 

As everyone knows plain old "separation" requires zero consent from the person who does not wish to separate. I dont need my spouses permission. So I dont know why there is such confussion about structured separation as part of the process of working towards reconciliation, or at least finding out if it is possible.

 

Structured separations are not going to work if the WS is still ambivalent about the AP, but neither is staying under the same roof a guarantee. I know that when I had decided in the early stages of recovery that my WS was still connected emotionally to her AP even though she was NC, I told her I was taking our daughter back to visit my family across the Atlantic without her (for august). She was beside herself trying to get me to bring her with me - and later admitted that she thought she would end up back with the AP, but this is not structured separation - this was me saying get you sh-t together without me. And I told her if I come back and she has broken NC then its over.

 

So yes fear of the BS that the WS will hook up again, but that is something completely different that what we are talking about here.

 

We all know that one of the reasons that a BS does not "kick his WS" to the curb on DDay is precisely fear that she will go straight to the AP. This is a very real fear, and I went through it too. But sometimes, after the initial shock is over, after we pass through some of the stages, it becomes important for us to know some things:

 

a) for a BS: am I with my WS because I am afraid to be alone?

b) for a WS: have I thrown my AP under the bus because now I see my primary relationship is more at risk than my AP? Am I rescuing my option to be in two relationships.

c) for BOTH: was this an exit affair. Do we both/one of us really believe we want to live without each other?

 

These are all cases in which a structured separation are excellent for both spouses to learn what they want.

Look if I am going to lose my WS because I have already lost her to the AP, and she is only in my space because the same fear of not telling me about her A now has her pleading me to take her back, I need to know if this is real, and sometimes the only way to know is through a structured separation.

 

In the end I did take my WS on holiday. And we had a great time. But 5 months later the same need came back in me, and I insisted on a structured separation. But in that context I knew, and she knew that this was not about a test to see if she would call the AP, it was about her clearing her head of him properly and getting back in the marriage without his shadow in the way. It allowed her to have a conversation with herself without being around a broken BS who had his own stuff to work through. It allowed her to heal and stop pretending that healing me was sufficient to forget about her AP.

 

 

 

 

I tihnk that the major concern that most BS's have post d-day with seperation is the possibility of the affair resuming while the spouses are apart.

 

My wife and I considered a seperation post d-day as well, and this was a key concern of mine. A valid one, as I found out later...she had indeed planned on viewing herself as 'free to explore relationships with whoever she wanted to' during that proposed seperation.

 

When I realized that she intended that seperation to be a year long, at a minimum, I did some research on the divorce process here in our state, and the next evening sat her down to discuss our options.

 

I let her know that I was not willing to be seperated for that long...as I saw no hope that our marriage could reconcile after that much time apart, especially if she opted to 'explore relationships'. I told her that instead, we would divorce completely...now. If she wanted that time to be with others, she was welcome to it...but she'd no longer have the option of keeping me in the wings waiting for her, my life on hold all that time hoping she'd come back. If something brought us back together later, maybe we could see where that went...but I wasn't going to put my life on hold like that for her.

 

That was the night she made her choice to reconcile and rebuild our marriage.

 

With that said...others have indicated that it worked for them. I guess the real decision maker here is clearly the OP. It's his marriage...up to him to figure out what he wants to do going forward.

Edited June 27, 2014 by fellini

[aliveagain]

The last few years of your marriage were a lie, why waste anymore time on it if she herself is not committed to it. If she is not willing to do the work, walk.

[StrongHusband]

Ok, I feel stupid posting my last few posts. The next day right after the night of our fight, she sent me an email. She was apologizing for the way she acted during that night. During the heat of the fight, she admitted she forgot that she should comfort me first.

 

After reading the email, I texted her how she was. She replied she that she misses me and she asked if she could talk to me. She told me to meet her in a place near my office.

 

I was hesitant at first, but she insisted. Eventually I said okay.

 

So I meet her. We talked and she said she felt bad of what she did. And she said said that she understands that my hurt will trigger during unexpected times and neither she or I can control it. She said she understands that now and she is willing to prove she will be there for me when those triggers occur.

 

I also apologized because I got angry. And she says it is ok and I do not have to apologize because she is the one that caused all this.

 

She also asked me to come back with her because she did not mean to let me go. She said she should have not allowed me to leave even if I was the one who brought it up.

 

After that evening, I eventually accepted her proposal. She even gave me gift because she told me she misses me. I feel being courted. So eventually we decided to be together again.

 

I feel crazy right now. Last night I was so angry I told her I wanted to be separated even if I dont want to. Then the day right after, I am missing her and now we are together again. Lesson learned, I should not have made that suggestion to separate because I was angry.

 

If we were to separate, it should be discussed like adults and only if I really wanted to. Not because of bursts of emotions.

[fellini]

Yes, but also, it's completely normal for the anger to rise up and blurt out things we don't really mean. I have done that more than once during this process. Blasting out a "that's it, we're done", without thinking. And actually I did FEEL that, but I realised those feelings came with the anger, and the desire to give up went away with the anger. Hang in there.

 

 

Ok, I feel stupid posting my last few posts. The next day right after the night of our fight, she sent me an email. She was apologizing for the way she acted during that night. During the heat of the fight, she admitted she forgot that she should comfort me first.

 

After reading the email, I texted her how she was. She replied she that she misses me and she asked if she could talk to me. She told me to meet her in a place near my office.

 

I was hesitant at first, but she insisted. Eventually I said okay.

 

So I meet her. We talked and she said she felt bad of what she did. And she said said that she understands that my hurt will trigger during unexpected times and neither she or I can control it. She said she understands that now and she is willing to prove she will be there for me when those triggers occur.

 

I also apologized because I got angry. And she says it is ok and I do not have to apologize because she is the one that caused all this.

 

She also asked me to come back with her because she did not mean to let me go. She said she should have not allowed me to leave even if I was the one who brought it up.

 

After that evening, I eventually accepted her proposal. She even gave me gift because she told me she misses me. I feel being courted. So eventually we decided to be together again.

 

I feel crazy right now. Last night I was so angry I told her I wanted to be separated even if I dont want to. Then the day right after, I am missing her and now we are together again. Lesson learned, I should not have made that suggestion to separate because I was angry.

 

If we were to separate, it should be discussed like adults and only if I really wanted to. Not because of bursts of emotions.

[Oberfeldwebel]

SH,

 

I would recommend a couple of things. First counseling, this allows you to constructively get your feelings out, but in an environment that is good for your wife as well. The counselor, controls the environment and promotes constructive communication. Secondly, set aside days for not talking about the affair. Create date nights that each of you plan and family days that the focus includes the little one. I believe that most relationships can be fixed but it takes hard work by both parties.

[road]

It takes the BS six months to handle that their WS had an affair.

 

 

This is why any important life changing decisions need to be held off for six months after d day.

[mikethemechanic]

How about trepanation?

[Spectre]

Okay so I read the OP's original post, I haven't had the chance to read all 9 pages though. All I have to say is carrying on an affair for 2 years should put the nail in the coffin. Think about how long two years actually is..in terms of carrying on an affair, all the while being around her family and child and not saying a thing.

 

I don't know what to tell you because you say you feel love from her and want to work on it, so you seem to already know what you want to do, but I'd be highly dubious of any woman who could cheat for 2 years straight.