My wife cheated, we are back together. But how can we move on from the past?

[Spectre]

If it went on for 2 years there is no way she loves him. She was playing him for a fool for 2 years. It surprises me he could think she sincerely wants to be with him, but I still say that if he is going to stay with her she needs to quit her job ASAP.

[aliveagain]

One of the facts that really bothered me about my ex's infidelity was about her giving away my right of paternity. She wasn't attacked, held against her will with a gun to her head but did it for two years freely. One of the most basic rights of marriage is the guarantee of the paternity of your children. Your wife allowed another man access to the most sacred and personal parts of herself and than lied to you for years to continue to preserve his access to it.

 

It's the whole betrayal, lying, sneaking behind your back, telling him all your secrets that you thought were safe. She and he still have secrets from you most likely. They may have done sexual things together that she may not do with you. If you can live with all of that than you are a good candidate for reconciliation. But meet with a lawyer first, remember, she is a liar and a cheat and she has at least a 2 year connection with other man.

[HereNorThere]

It's sad and as much as people here care, OP has already told her this is acceptable behavior and he's ok with it. I think at this point we need to be giving him advice on how he can handle his wife sleeping with other people. He doesn't want advice on making sure it doesn't happen again, paternity, trust, etc. he simply wants advice on how to do with accepting that his wife sleeps with other people.

 

Surely there are other cuckolds old there that can give him advice? Of the to of my head, maybe keep paper towels around the house? guys, anyone, help him out,,,

[StrongHusband]

It's sad and as much as people here care, OP has already told her this is acceptable behavior and he's ok with it. I think at this point we need to be giving him advice on how he can handle his wife sleeping with other people. He doesn't want advice on making sure it doesn't happen again, paternity, trust, etc. he simply wants advice on how to do with accepting that his wife sleeps with other people.

 

Surely there are other cuckolds old there that can give him advice? Of the to of my head, maybe keep paper towels around the house? guys, anyone, help him out,,,

 

 

I know sarcasm when I see one. Thanks for the concern. But like I have mentioned before, I am willing to give my wife only one more chance... first and last chance.

 

There were signs of her infidelity before, I just ignored them. So the moment I feel the signs again, I would hire a PI to find proof and if the infidelity happens again I would end our marriage.

 

I don't know why you say that I need help to handle my wife sleeping with other people. I don't. Because like I said above, if that happens again it will be over.

 

What I need is some advice to ease the pain of the past. But looks like I won't get it in this forum.

[StrongHusband]

Okay. She does not have to leave the job, it is not a requirement, as long as you can live with it. In fact, the more okay you are with it the stronger you will become because you don't fear her going back there, this is a good thing. This is because she initiated and was very clear about NC before even Dday.

 

Besides, new job would mean new male colleagues. You haven't gained anything.

 

Job, I agree, is a non issue. You'll continue to get people pushing this until you are green in the face. It's part of LS. Welcome.

 

I don't see the relevance of measuring your Betrayal by doing a math formula. (Thank goodness you didnt need a calculator because someone here did the math for you. I have never understood why people think there is some kind of inverse ration matrix to do that determines the detrimental level of an affair. IT'S ALL BAD.

My wife of 17 years did the same thing, although it didn't go on for 2 years because I caught it, and we ended it.

 

A LTR of 2 years puts this beyond an "affair" so you might want to do some reading on the kinds of affairs that come from a woman shortly after having child. There is a lot of research on this, especially a woman post 30's, in Michelle Langley's "Women's Infidelity I and II." Check out her page on womensinfidelity.com and see if the pattern of infidelity in women aged 30 plus coincides with the story of the affair your wife has given you. If it does, its a good idea to try to get a hold of the two volumes (they are availabe in PDF format in the web) and BOTH of you read them. Some of her stuff I can live without, but the stuff on how a woman stays in two relationships during 2, 5, 10 years is very well discussed. Just check to see if your WS's story more or less is coherant with what Langley talks about in terms of LIMBO on her website (this information is right on the home page)

 

Now what I have had to do as a BS to help me overcome emotional, triggers, and intrusions is to use self hypnosis. There are some specific for people struggling with intrusions as a result of infidelity. I had a couple of sessions that were awesome. Some times, it just helped to clear them. They are available to buy and download online, google is your friend, LS does not like links to commercial products so I will not say more about them.

 

Also I have music I have always used for emotional stress and probably you do to. I use Keith Jarrett's Koln Concert Song 1. I use it to take myself through the pain of trauma and come out more or less free of the pain. It's a form of meditation in which you use the music to take you INTO what is actually causing you pain, and you use it to come out.

 

I do not think that MC is necessarily the best treatment. I do not need to go BACK and talk about the past, I need to move forward. So instead of MC I have worked a little with Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness. He has no interest in dealing with infidelity by dealing with the past, only moving beyond the pain. Worth a look if not a try.

 

All the best, hang in there, it's a process.

 

Thanks for this, fellini. Seems that someone still thinks the way that I do in this forum. Thanks again.

 

To share may side, having my WW and his xOM working on the same job does not bother me at all. Why? This is because she was the one to end their affair. She shared me their whole story in detail, which I demanded. Imagine the pain. She is not communicating with the xOM anymore unless it is work related stuff. She also told me the guy is still bringing up discussion about their past, but she just ignores him. And the guy stopped after months of her ignoring him.

 

But it is not what she says that makes me comfortable with it. It is the fact that when she does it again, it will make it easier for me to end our marriage. Besides, I agree with fellini. Finding her another job does not solve the actual problem of the infidelity. As long as I am okay with it, then why not. I don't see any issues with that.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, sorry to read of your situation.

 

You can be a good father to your child regardless of whether you are with her mother. It is difficult, financially, emotionally and logistically. That may be what keeps you there. But it is possible. What is much harder IMHO is to get over the profound betrayal you have been dealt. You say you want to work through it. I think there may well be no true marriage to reclaim. Sure, you are getting lots of sex now and your wife is behaving good as gold. But is that real, or an act? Can be a bit of both, but consider the facts:

 

She did not tell you. You found out.

Two years. Half your marriage!

She has no explanation, or a hundred. You don't want to know, but this likely means the explanation is simply, not one she can share, like, "it was lots of fun until it became a drag, and the sex was hot"

She is by now very practiced in "splitting": the kind of doublethink needed to have your cake and eat it. This is fundamental to character. It doesn't go away.

She cheated on you many dozens of times, and each time, chose to just carry on doing it. F*cked him. Came home to Mr Dependable. Then f*cked him again.

All this means that at the heart, it is all about her, and she has zero respect for you.

 

I would say, stoicism and asking "how can I get past this" is the wrong approach and the wrong question. I don't think you can. I don't think you should. But up to you, and as I say, I am truly sorry for your situation.

[StrongHusband]

If it went on for 2 years there is no way she loves him. She was playing him for a fool for 2 years. It surprises me he could think she sincerely wants to be with him, but I still say that if he is going to stay with her she needs to quit her job ASAP.

 

Yes, it is hard to believe for me as well. 2 freaking years. But we talked. She told me the whole story.

 

She cheated when she was having problems with my temper. Although this is not enough reason for her to cheat, it happened anyway. The OM was married and he is having problems with his own wife as well. Since they have something in common (they both have problems with their spouses), they got along well. It went on for months, until the OM confessed that he likes my wife. That's when the affair started. The sex, happened a month after that.

 

She told me although she knows it was a mistake, she enjoyed the company of the OM. She tries to get out of the affair, but the OM is persistent and always wins her back, until my gathered all her strengths and ended their affair.

 

She ended her affair because she cannot live with the affair anymore. Yeah, I know. After having fun for 2 years, then she tells me that. Still, she ended the affair. That's what matters. She could have chosen the OM and ended our marriage, but that did not happen.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, your latest post and my edit of my last crossed over.

 

You don't want to hear most advice you are getting. That just makes it "Hear me now. Believe me later" advice, I am afraid. Fellini is a good poster but his circumstances and approach are unusual and he is not without pain. So here is mine again, excuse the partial duplication:

 

OP, sorry to read of your situation.

 

You can be a good father to your child regardless of whether you are with her mother. It is difficult, financially, emotionally and logistically. That may be what keeps you there. But it is possible.

 

What is *much* harder IMHO is to "get over" the profound betrayal you have been dealt. You say you want to work through it. I have doubts: to reclaim what exactly? By any reasonable standard, no true marriage to reclaim.

 

Sure, you are likely getting lots of 'hysterical bonding' sex now and your wife is behaving good as gold. But how real is that? As others have, I invite you to consider the facts:

 

She did not tell you. You found out.

Two years. Half your marriage.

She has no explanation, or a hundred. You don't want to know, but this likely means the explanation is simply, not one she can share, like, "it was lots of fun until it became a drag, and the sex was hot"

She is by now very practiced in "splitting": the kind of doublethink needed to have your cake and eat it. This is fundamental to character. It doesn't go away.

She cheated on you many dozens of times, and each time, chose to just carry on doing it. F*cked him. Came home to Mr Dependable. Then f*cked the OM again.

All this means that at the heart, it is all about her, and she has zero respect for you.

You will never get back the happy bubble ... Because it was all an illusion anyway.

Can you ever trust her again? A fool might tell himself so.

Staying in the job for reasons of a possible promotion. Feeble.

 

No exposure, no inconvenience, no real NC .... No real consequences.

 

I propose to you that you are being a doormat- and will in due course get walked on again.

 

I would say, stoicism and asking "how can I get past this" is the wrong approach and the wrong question. I don't think you can. I don't think you *should*. But up to you, and as I say, I am truly sorry for your situation, which is in a marriage with no realistic prospect of respect and trust.

[Furious]

Hi. I am a 32 year old male married for 5 years to my beautiful 35-year-old wife. We have an adorable three year old daughter. To cut the story short, I found out that my wife has cheated on me for 2 years with her office mate. That was around year-3 to year-5 of our marriage.

 

The day that I found out about it, their 2-year affair was over for three months already. I found sign of her affair such as: I had been diagnosed with UTI/NSU, our frequency of making love has been reduced to once a week from almost everyday, and signs of her lack of intimacy with me. But I all ignored those signed because I trust her, and I knew she would never do that to me. But I was wrong.

 

My wife ended it because she wanted to fix what she has done and to go back to me.

 

That day was the most horrible day of my life. I went away from our apartment and I stayed with my parents' house leaving her to take care of all expenses of our apartment which we shared before.

 

During this time, the time we are apart, I realized that I can forgive her and accept her mistake. So, we talked. I told her that I was still willing to give it one more try. But only one more. She told me the same thing. So after a couple of days, we were together again.

 

But now, the memory of what she has done is haunting me. The times she had with the OM.. emotionally and physically... I can still feel the pain. Although we talk about these things whenever they are haunting us, it still seem like it comes back everyday. It is difficult. I know we have to get over this soon.

 

We still love each other, I know I can feel it from her and I also make her feel that I love her. We are both working on this improved, more mature relationship that we have.

 

But the pain when I remember what happened.... what can I do about it? I feel that everything is okay except for these memories of her past. It is driving me crazy every single effin day. It also makes her so guilty about what she has done.

 

I know that we need time for the pain (for me) and guilt (for her) to both heal. But anyone in this forum who can help to ease out the pain even for a little? It will help a lot. Thanks.

 

 

There are stages that a betrayed spouse goes through, the first stage is utter shock and for some the shock can propel them to a quick fix which amounts to cheap forgiveness. Cheap forgiveness is a premature action to put a bandaid on a huge wound. The need to ease the pain and take a short cut through it.

 

Unfortunately, cheap forgiveness is a cry for the life you thought you had and the reality it really was. It's a paradox, the confusion is numbing, and instinctively many folks just want a to get on the reconciliation train without serious thought as to where it will lead.

 

There is no quick fix to ease the agony of how hurt you feel. The person who hurt you is often the person you reach out to ease the pain. It's a strange dichotomy, that you seek healing from the very person who injured you.

 

The truth is, there is no way of getting around pain but only the journey of going through it.

 

You have the right to take a step back, to not sign up for any concrete decisions. You have the right to feel what you feel, and you have the right to decide to not decide until your brain catches up to your heart.

 

also, cheap forgiveness, is not healthy for either you or the potential future of your marriage. Cheap forgivesness, is a form of rug sweeping. A soiled rug should be shaken and aired and only then be brought back into your home.

[StrongHusband]

OP, sorry to read of your situation.

She did not tell you. You found out.

Two years. Half your marriage!

She has no explanation, or a hundred. You don't want to know, but this likely means the explanation is simply, not one she can share, like, "it was lots of fun until it became a drag, and the sex was hot"

She is by now very practiced in "splitting": the kind of doublethink needed to have your cake and eat it. This is fundamental to character. It doesn't go away.

She cheated on you many dozens of times, and each time, chose to just carry on doing it. F*cked him. Came home to Mr Dependable. Then f*cked him again.

 

Thanks for your concern. What you said is correct, but not all are exactly true.

It is correct that I found out, she did not tell me.

It is correct, half may marriage.

It is not correct. She did explain to me in detail. We do talk about her infidelity every single day. Painful for me, guilt for her. But we agreed we do this because we want to start to build trust again. And her telling me every detail that I want to know is a good start. Even the details of their sex, yes I asked for it. They do it in the OM car. So I don't think she can split in a sedan type of car. Also, she says she is more in the affair because the OM does not argue with her and the OM shows affection which I do not. I agree to it because it faded on my part.

 

But this is not her excuse for the affair. She keeps repeating that is the reason, but it is no reason for her at all. That she realizes now that it is one selfish and stupid mistake. She has no explanation for her reason, she realized now that it is a stupid mistake and she was selfish. This is what she tells me. She does not blame me for my lack of affection or anything. She owns this mistake for herself. That is enough for me to forgive her... if she blames this on me, then I won't forgive her.

[StrongHusband]

also, cheap forgiveness, is not healthy for either you or the potential future of your marriage. Cheap forgivesness, is a form of rug sweeping. A soiled rug should be shaken and aired and only then be brought back into your home.

 

Maybe I am kinda slow. What is the part that I did which is "cheap forgiveness"? Sorry for this, maybe I just need to know.

[sisa]

She ended her affair because she cannot live with the affair anymore. Yeah, I know. After having fun for 2 years, then she tells me that. Still, she ended the affair. That's what matters. She could have chosen the OM and ended our marriage, but that did not happen.

 

There is just so few men would really choose end their marriage because of the affair, your wife might realized that as well. If your wife's AP is single, the above statement might more convinceable. You are lucky that her AP is married this time.

 

No women would spend on the affair for two years if they don't love the AP. we are unlike men, sex can without love.

[HereNorThere]

There is just so few men would really choose end their marriage because of the affair, your wife might realized that as well. If your wife's AP is single, the above statement might more convinceable. You are lucky that her AP is married this time.

 

No women would spend on the affair for two years if they don't love the AP. we are unlike men, sex can without love.

 

Her AP/coworker already admitted his was in love with her.

[HereNorThere]

OP has already asked us how to deal with the intrusive thoughts that come with having a deceptive partner. Is there anyone who can give him advice on living with an unfaithful partner?

[Trustnoone]

Stronghusband

 

I'm thinking I married your wife's sister. No affection was a big reason for us also. Look I'm in R with my wife and going to MC. My WW also worked side by side with her OM, it ended up I couldn't handle it. Maybe you can I don't know you or your wife. Did your wife at least offer to quit? If she is truly remorseful as you say she would do this to protect you. If she hasn't offered then I would stay on high alert. Ask her this would she be okay with you working with your affair partner in the same situation? If she even hesitates with whatever answer she gives you may want to rethink them working together. I will now drop this for you. I wish you the best and sorry you are here. I'll post my story soon but at six months past d-day it's still too much raw pain.

[StrongHusband]

Stronghusband

 

I'm thinking I married your wife's sister. No affection was a big reason for us also. Look I'm in R with my wife and going to MC. My WW also worked side by side with her OM, it ended up I couldn't handle it. Maybe you can I don't know you or your wife. Did your wife at least offer to quit? If she is truly remorseful as you say she would do this to protect you. If she hasn't offered then I would stay on high alert. Ask her this would she be okay with you working with your affair partner in the same situation? If she even hesitates with whatever answer she gives you may want to rethink them working together. I will now drop this for you. I wish you the best and sorry you are here. I'll post my story soon but at six months past d-day it's still too much raw pain.

 

 

Yes, she offered to quit. I told her if that is her choice then she is free to do so. But, I strongly suggest no. Because it does not matter to me.

 

Besides, I do not believe changing work places will address the real reason for her infidelity. Also, if she can resist the temptation of the presence of the OM and refuse to have an affair again, then I think she deserves my forgiveness.

 

Then again if she has an affair again, no more second thoughts for me. It will be over for us.

Edited June 24, 2014 by StrongHusband

[Furious]

Maybe I am kinda slow. What is the part that I did which is "cheap forgiveness"? Sorry for this, maybe I just need to know.

 

 

The decision to reconcile despite the pain you are experiencing does not mesh in your reality, in the sense that your heart is broken and you're asking for advice to ease the pain.

 

You have decided to reconcile, despite your pain. That pain is there for a reason, it's your inner voice that is in conflict with your plea to ease the pain you're experiencing.

 

On one hand you are defensive about your decision to reconcile, but on the other hand you are looking for tips to ease the pain. The pain is a reality, not something that can be rushed.

 

It's normal, to be intellectually reconciled while emotionally un-reconciled.

Most often when a betrayed spouse begins to feel safe in the marriage, the real anger surfaces. Cheap forgiveness is a premature rush to what was or could have been.

 

After the initial shock and the rush to reconcile, the second stage is the pain that transforms into anger. Once a betrayed spouse feels safe in reconciliation, the anger surfaces. This anger is usually, a reassessment and review of the forgiveness they quickly gave in the initial days, weeks and months after d-day and it's a hard pill for the WS who is only happy to move on and put it in the past as quickly as possible.

 

it's obvious your choice to reconcile is in conflict with your thirst to ease the pain. It's your inner voice looking out for you , you are not as reconciled as you would like to acknowledge.

[StrongHusband]

The decision to reconcile despite the pain you are experiencing does not mesh in your reality, in the sense that your heart is broken and you're asking for advice to ease the pain.

 

You have decided to reconcile, despite your pain. That pain is there for a reason, it's your inner voice that is in conflict with your plea to ease the pain you're experiencing.

 

On one hand you are defensive about your decision to reconcile, but on the other hand you are looking for tips to ease the pain. The pain is a reality, not something that can be rushed.

 

It's normal, to be intellectually reconciled while emotionally un-reconciled.

Most often when a betrayed spouse begins to feel safe in the marriage, the real anger surfaces. Cheap forgiveness is a premature rush to what was or could have been.

 

After the initial shock and the rush to reconcile, the second stage is the pain that transforms into anger. Once a betrayed spouse feels safe in reconciliation, the anger surfaces. This anger is usually, a reassessment and review of the forgiveness they quickly gave in the initial days, weeks and months after d-day and it's a hard pill for the WS who is only happy to move on and put it in the past as quickly as possible.

 

it's obvious your choice to reconcile is in conflict with your thirst to ease the pain. It's your inner voice looking out for you , you are not as reconciled as you would like to acknowledge.

 

So basically you are saying that I should wait for the pain to go away first, before reconciliation?

[Trustnoone]

Stronghusband

 

Does OM's betrayed spouse know of the affair?

[StrongHusband]

Stronghusband

 

Does OM's betrayed spouse know of the affair?

 

No, OM's spouse don't know of their affair. I don't think it is necessary for my me and my WW's R.

[Furious]

So basically you are saying that I should wait for the pain to go away first, before reconciliation?

 

No...look into the pain, the pain is telling you something. It's your core communicating with you.

[Trustnoone]

Strong husband

 

If you believe she deserves a second chance I'm behind you a hundred percent. I feel my WW deserved this as well. So she is getting one. Only one chance, it's all I have left to give. As for pain, I wish it went away faster but it goes from unbearable to tolerable at times. My MC is working with me to deflect thoughts of the affair. The thoughts of them together, talking about how awful a husband I am/was. It's starting to work for me to the point I've actually mentioned of telling my story. Easier for me to leave comments then leave for a bit to gather myself. Have you gone through rage yet? That stage was by far the scariest for me personally. If you haven't just wait til you see how much fun that is!

[Trustnoone]

It's another set of eyes watching. For me it was the best PI I never hired. You want OM to be fearful of his own marriage which keeps him too busy to talk with your WW.

[Trustnoone]

It's another set of eyes watching. For me it was the best PI I never hired. You want OM to be fearful of his own marriage which keeps him too busy to talk with your WW.

 

If your WW objects to you telling the other betrayed spouse she is then protecting OM. Something you need to know. For me it worked great. It was the final squeeze I needed to make HIM quit.

[tom670]

No, OM's spouse don't know of their affair. I don't think it is necessary for my me and my WW's R.

 

Strong if it was the other way around wouldn't you like to know?

It's another set of eyes plus it's doing the right thing what she does after you tell her is not your problem.