I've got troubles accepting the past.. It hurts like hell

[Tina80]

Hi. I've got this problem. I'm obsessing over my boyfriends ex-wife. Here's how it goes:

 

I met my boyfriend over the internet in 2012, and learned that he got divorced in 2008 after a marriage that lasted two years. As we got to know each other, we told each other personal things about our lives. He would talk a lot about his ex-wife, telling me that she was so beautiful and so perfect for him and how well she understood him, among other personal things I now wish I did not know. He said that they never stopped caring for each other, and that she was the first girl he ever loved. Even when they divorced there were no arguments and raised voices, even though it was very heartbreaking. They even slept in the same bed. The reason they split up were because she wanted to move back to her family in a different country, and my boyfriend didn’t want to. So she left him and said she wanted a divorce, stayed away for 3 months then returned to him and wanted him back. Which he refused. He told me she would try for over a year to get back together, but he was stubborn and refused. He also told me he regretted that decision for a long time after, but he had made up his mind. He told me when we started to chat that he was over her, but that he still cared about her in the respect of wanting her to have a good life. Nothing more.

 

After a while talking, we started to have feelings for each other and eventually met. He could then tell me that he fell in love with me before he even met me, and that he spent 8 months growing the feelings for his ex-wife that he had for me after only a couple of months. We also live in different countries, so he would come to visit me 9 times during a period of 1,5 years, and spend every evening away chatting with me on skype. He has now moved to me, to my country because he loves me so much and want to spend the rest of his life with me. My obsession started when we decided we wanted to be a couple, by the end of 2012, and have never really stopped. Despite the huge amount of money he’s spent to see me and be with me, despite the fact that he was willing to move from his country to be with me, despite the fact that he’s told me over and over that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever been with, and that he loves me more than anyone else.. Despite all this I can’t help feeling that his ex-wife is better than me. And it is tearing me to shreads and pieces. I can’t help thinking that they must have shared something special since they were married. Something I want to experience, whereas my ex us insecure. He is afraid of another ruined marriage, which makes me sad. Why could he do that with a woman he didn’t love as much as me, but still not with me?

 

I don’t know why I feel so insecure. Maybe because I’ve been hurt really bad in previous relationships. My fiance left me alone with 2 kids after a 6 year long relationship, cause of another woman. Maybe my insecurity grows from that, I don’t know. I even told him to send his ex-wife a message, telling her it is not ok to send him a message on his birthday, cause I don’t want them to have any contact. I feel like a horrible person. Is there any way for me to move on from this? I really don’t want to be this person I am now, I didn’t even know I was capable of being like this. I love this man, and I don’t want the past to ruin what we have together. Any advice given is apreciated.

[giblesp]

Well, you started off as friends and he told you about his ex as he would a friend. Does he still talk about her now? Or does he just focus on you?

 

If he's just focused on you now, and you are his one and only then there are no problems. How does he get along with your kids?

 

As for his fear of getting married again, yes that is the same as your fear of getting betrayed. I was both married AND betrayed, so I can relate!

 

We've got these pains from past connections, but if we can be aware of it being related to the past and not the present, then there is no problem.

[Tina80]

He is wonderful with my kids. Cares about them, pays for them and spends time with them. As for his ex-wife he tries not to talk about her, because he knows it makes me sad. And for some reason I'll start digging for details as soon as she's mentioned, even if I know it will only hurt to know more about her. It's just like I want to dig my self deeper down, weird as it sounds. She pops up in the odd conversation, but only as a natural part of it. Say like if he's talking about a trip etc.

 

We did start out as friends, so it's no wonder he told me these things. These days he says that I spend more time thinking about her than he does, cause he only thinks about her when I mention her. I have no doubt that he is over her, I do however feel she never got completely over him, but he says even if so, he would neve want her back. I really wish I could stop feeling this way, it is damaging our relationship. I can see how unreasonable I am, but I can't stop feeling the way I do.

[giblesp]

If its any consolation, I have experienced similar feelings about my partners past. Last year I recognized that it was damaging my relationship, so I made a rule with my partner that we would not talk about the past again, unless there's something bothering her that she wishes to share.

 

A year later, and I've stuck to that promise. It comes up in my mind but I work past it privately. To be jealous about her past would destroy us, and I don't want that to happen. My jealousy comes from my insecurity, so I refuse to let it dominate me and affect my relationship.

 

Hope that helps.