Is There Any Way To Get Him Back?

[Pavla]

Sorry for my english as I come from Europe. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me on 11th of April on his birthday. It was toaly out of blue and in the middle of me preparing for dinner to go. He said he doesnt love me any more, that we dont invite friends to our place (he never mentioned that before that he would like that), that I may want to have kids when he will not be ready and that he also didnt love me when we went to Thailand for holiday in February for almost a whole month but than he also told me that it was his best four weeks of his life. I was now 30 (people usualy guess around 23) and he is 25. I look very young for my age, I havent planned any family or something. We had our ups and downs during relationship but I never betrayed him in any way and I was always showing him how I love him very much and supporting him in everyting. We have never ever had problem spending time with each other and we were always telling each other how our personalities fit perfectly, also sex was great and everything. He was almost living in my appartment which is quite small and we were planing to go to bigger one, the reason was mostly because he is just finishing school, he earns money now and we wanted to have more free space so we are not stuck in such a small place.

I was devastated. One week later I have met him on my way to work, because our companies (we both work in brand marketing) are next to each other. When I met him I told him that we can work things out, that he never told me what bothers him, that we dont have to spend that much time together, we can invite friends over that it is about communication and how we set our relationship. We started to kiss, it was very romantic. The same day he called to me at 3am from some party that he is missing me that when he saw me it was the best day of the whole miserable week. We met and than spent together three days because it was public holiday. It was full of love, sex, we talked about many things. But he told me that he already paid rent during a week and that he will move into apartment with his two friends from University. It was quite shocking for me I said to him I will also move somewhere because my apartment reminds me of him so much. He started to be very jellous he said he cant handle me living with other people and that he will cancel it and we will live together. That he loves me very much, that now everything makes sense that it will be great to live together, have our own space and also invite friends and all this. But during following week I felt that his feelings were going down again, I didnt want to push him so I told him I will not move anywhere and told him to move with his friends. That we can always see each other and that he can spend weekends in my place so we have privacy. So we did that during May while he was finishing his diploma thesis. But I could feel it was different, some days he was passionate and loving some days he wasnt much writing me. We used to spend time together everyday, usualy after work that is pretty hard on both of us we were exhausted but we were always looking forward to weekends to spend it together. Even before breakup we were planning to go to Roma to celebrate 3years of our universary. His roommate told me that he is confused, that one moment he is saying he is terribly missing me, what a great person I am and the next day that he thinks he doesnt love me anymore etc. I was very sensitive whole months and always needed assurance that he still loves me, I was very emotional and he could see that. But also on the other hand I started to go out a lot not to think of it and he was acting quite jellous, that I will meet someone and that he is stuck at home writting his diploma. On 16th of May there was party in his new apartment to celebrate new living and finishing University. Day before we spoke on the phone and he told me that he feels miserable last two days that he doesnt want me to come there, that he feels that he is not happy and that he would like to enjoy friends on his own and that he is feeling terrible to treat me like this. It was very hurtful but I kept calm and told him I will not go that it is ok, that maybe he just need to party after finishing university and after some parties when he gets bored it will be ok. Next day after party he wrote to me he would like to see me, he came to my place. Again acting jellous because he was asking me where I went that night and if I brought some guy to my apartment. I told him he shall know I am not such a person. We spent great night and morning, than he left. This time I decided not to contact him first. Days were passing, we met again once on the way to work but I got quickly to tram not to talk to him and just waved him. After five days I felt misserable and called him, he didnt pick up so I wrote him I wish him a nice weekend and that I just wanted to hear how he is. Next day on 23rd of May I have received very long letter from him on my email. He said to me it is hard decission for him but he feels unhappy that it is probably wrong decission that he will probably regret it one day but he has to do it otherwise he will not ever appretiate what he has in life. And that he wants to be alone now and he wants to find which values are important to him. That I am the best person he ever met, he always had great time with me that we may get together one day. That I am his soul mate and he thinks that he will never meet such a great person like me. He said to me not to contact him on his cell phone because it makes him always sad to see my name there and that he was sad whole day when he saw me on the way to work again, but that he will be happy to read how ever long email from me. With Love your „his name“ . I havent responded but on 26th of May, day before my 30th Bday I called him to work. I said to him that I would like to spent my bDay with him. He said he doesnt feel ok and than he wrote me message that we shall forget each other and that we will not spend it together. But next day on my bDay he called to me that he couldnt sleep, that he felt miserable but would like to spend it with me. That he will make reservation in our favorite Thai restaurant. I was in shock to hear from him and suddenly scared to see him. My friend advice me not to go with him. So I wrote him very short message „Thank you for invite, but I got dinner for my Bday so I have another plans. So maybe some other time“ He called to me, but I didnt pick up and later in one hour wrote him „I cant talk“. At night he wrote me message that he is now even more sad that we dont spend it together that he wishes me the best and he hope I will think of him in the best way and at the end he wrote I Love You with crying smiley. I havent responded to it. Today is 23rd of June (almost one month that i am on NC). But during that month we met three times. First time was four days after his message. We met in club where I was with my friends in very sexy dress. He came there with his friends and girl that he used to sleep with half a year ago before we met. So now she is he rebound girl. He was acting very strange, he said to me very ironicaly „We are so happy to see you here“ but I ignored it and enjoyed my friends. He started to dance with that girl to make me jellous but he only humiliated himself and showed discrespect to our three years of relationship. Than I met him in tram again but only smiled at him. His roommate told me that he doesnt feel ok and that he doesnt want to be meeting me again anywhere. And last time two weeks later it was at party on 21st of May. It was party he knew I will go to so I was very suprised when I suddenly saw on Facebook that he will attend it as well. It made me feel sick I didnt want to go and was upset he will ruin my day. But finaly I went. I invited there one really nice guy I met few days ago at one concert. I came there and there was already that rebound girl and her cousin a girl that he cheated on me with in first month of our relationship (it was before he fell in love with me). She started to talk to me there like she is sorry what happened in past. Than my boyfriend came and he saw us. We came to him to say hello, he was very nervous. At the same moment came the guy from the concert, he hug me and kiss me. We went to sit next to bar and than came a girl he cheated on me with, and also came his room mate. I coud see he is upset that everybody is talking to me. His room mate told me that he was asking her if we spoke about him, but she said no. Then I went to dance to one stage where he wasnt. But than I could see he was behind me. Suddenly he came to me, he grab me and told me „Hey, you still have some things in my apartment“. I smiled at him and told him „Well, we dont have to discuss this in the middle of the party, no?“ and He said „Yeah, I totaly forgot about your things but wanted to bring them to you“, so I told him „Ok, so bring them to the reception to my work“ (one week past and he still didnt bring these things), than at the party he was again acting like crazy with his new rebound, dacing, making pictures of themselves. It was so embarassing, but I was calm because I could see how stupid he is. I didnt play any games and acted normaly at the party with that new guy. Than we left do different clubs. Yesterday I met his room mate at one concert she told me that my ex was telling her after the party that he is feeling miserable, but yesterday told her that now he is better. So am asking wtf is going in his mind? I still love him and want him back. I know I cant contact him. He is not contacting me either. I am trying to forget about him but its hard. Do you think he still loves me? What shall I do? Do you think that after the summer when he will have enough fun and freedom he will get back? Clearly he still have some feelings. When I broke up with someone after years because I didnt love him any more (it happend to me two times) when I met this guy I was ok, friendly with no more feelings for him. If he doesnt love me why is he acting like that? Is it just ego. If yes, why he is feeling so misserable than? I hope I played it well not to contacting him and always behaving like I am having fun (which I actualy had at those parties), never responded to his email not even to his bDay message where he wrote me he loves me.

 

I guess it has to do a lot with his growing up even though when I was younger I had guyes his age and they were very serious about me. He doesnt party that much he always like his privacy as well. He likes being in relationship. He used to sleep with quite a lot girls, and also had relationship of three years (with one year pause in between, the girl he was with was very jellous and they were arguing a lot about everything). He was always telling me that he wants to spend with me rest of his life, and always telling me how much in common we have. Even after april´s break up he was telling me that what ever happend at work or wherever he always had need to share it with me to know my opinion etc. Last year he was studying abroad on Erasmus (4months but we visited each other frequently). It was pretty bad and big test of our relationship. Even during a year he was telling me that none of couples he know sourvived that Erasmus and we were the only one. That he knows we will survive everything. That he met lots of girls there and always knew that I am the one that he finds the most beautiful and most importantly the one that he has so much in common with and that he never had problem to spend a time with me (we have been to many holidays, trips etc). Which he always had a problem before because he always finds something that annoyes him on girls. So this was big shock to me. We have the same lifestyle, the same point of view on life I always felt that we are such a soul mates and I found him very mature (I have never ever dated anyone younger before). It was really shocking. When we got back in April after one week I could see that he really loves me, he told me that his feelings were just pushed away and that he knows that he would sooner or later find out that I am the best person that he could ever have and that he loves me. I am not contacting his roommate, it was just accident we met, but I know next time I dont want to hear anything. I have deleted all our mutual friends from FB to forget about him. But still have some hope that later he will find out that grass is not that green. Thank you very much

[Itspointless]

He wasn't honest about his feelings during your relation so you two could work on things. He cheated on you in the first month of your relation. He left you but tells you he will move back in with you just to not have you living with roommates. He checks up on you and constantly is jealous (he doesn't trust you and wants to control you). He doesn't invite you to (t)his graduation party, he puts on a show when you encounter him with a rebound. Etc.

 

I read a whole list of strange things. I am sorry but he really does not sound mature to me. It sounds like he is entitled to do things that you are not. I do not know you but is this really the man you want to be with?

[Pavla]

Thank you very much for your opinion. I really appreciate that you red all my story and shared your view on the situation. The thing is that what he did was at the beginning and I can understand. But during these three years he really showed me in many situations that he really loves me, it were a real actions and not just words. He was always my true soulmate, my best friend and lover so it is hard to lose him

[Maverick1983]

I read your story and to be honest he seems to alter his feelings and emotions to suit his needs. He seemed to turn jealous when he saw you getting on with your life and his ego took a bashing which explains the erratic behaviour he is displaying. He broke up with you but judging by his actions it backfired on him and now he regrets it and is trying to manipulate you into feeling sympathy for him. You've done well to avoid showing any vulnerability and should continue to do so.

 

If he ever comes back and you are willing to take him back then he needs to grow up, man up and prove to you he's not going to act like that again. It seems that you are doing ok without him and the fact he's cheated on you in the past is worrying and he seems very selfish to your needs which is unfair. You should think really hard about whether or not you can trust him. If you can't say 100% you can then you should forget about ever allowing him into your life again

[Itspointless]

Hello Pavla, I see that my answer perhaps sounded a bit harsh, i understand this all must be really hard for you. I do not doubt that you two had great moment together. Maverick1983 perhaps says better what I tried to say in the second paragraph