ChessPieceFace Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 So I'm 38, introverted and have blown things with the few girls I've tried with. Basically what I do around girls I really like is get nervous, be afraid to do anything wrong, and just sit there waiting for everything to fail. It's hard not to, given that that's what always happens. When people say "you need to have confidence" I find it insulting. If you've only failed, any confidence would be a lie - false confidence. True confidence should come from success, and I haven't had any. It's like facing a rock wall, everyone around you is physically fit, you are 250 pounds, and they say "just climb up! just do it!" and of course you physically can't. I am really, really not on equal terms with the people giving me advice. I honestly feel they are poorly equipped to give me advice. Like a naturally thin person giving weight-loss advice, etc. So I guess I'm looking for advice from introverts who have succeeded at changing this type of situation, and hoping I won't hate the advice given... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 (edited) its hard to be introverted and then face someone you are attracted to and your mind goes into overdrive.......the best thing i feel is to keep it really simple.....i have developed a mulit faceted personality when i am in diifficulty and even then sometimes the shy on ein me gets left standign there to deal with it...for inner child growth and strategy i feel...lol...sometimes people need to know that side of me.... a smile in the beginning what you feel inside for them to see it...... let it out........and short times keep it to less than five minutes...and clock yourself internally...dont look at your phone its obvious.... to start interactions...a simple hello ....repeated often at different times....working up to hello hows your day.....and responding back when asked the same.....to then more questions on similarities or passions held by both as an introvert you likely know the shared interests......and shyness gets pushed further and further back with each step taken..... it isnt easy it takes time to know them and them to know you...never give up.....if you get setback with a sudden rush of shyness take it back to hello...and start again...but never stop interacting...just take it easy you are who you are, and thats it ,when you accept it others do too it isnt changing who you are to ineract this way....its necessity and the best of times are built with needing to be there.....and knowing how to be in the moment Edited June 24, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Glinda.Good Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 I don't think that they mean you need to just bust out of nowhere with some confidence. Probably, more like develop some parts of yourself that will increase your own confidence in yourself, which, in turn, will transfer to how you relate to others. Including women that you like and feel nervous around. I know it's not a piece of cake … but it can be worked on, and it's very positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 When people say "you need to have confidence" I find it insulting. If you've only failed, any confidence would be a lie - false confidence. True confidence should come from success, and I haven't had any. It's very difficult. A true chicken-and-egg thing. When I was 39, my marriage was over. My college sweetheart had left me for another man, after 20 years together. I was devastated. Hadn't really done much dating in my adult life -- do the math -- and really had no idea how to get into it. Tried OLD, and it was generally speaking a disaster. Until. One day, I got into an online conversation with a much younger woman. I think she was about 28. We weren't a match, due to the age difference, but I was interested in renting some of her art for a TV show I was working on. I went to her show, and we hit it off. Decided to have dinner. It never really turned into much -- she was dumber than a bag of hammers -- but she was blonde and cute and walking around with her for the five or so dates that we had literally turned me into a new man. And here's the part I can't grasp: That confidence must have, somehow, showed up even on an electronic forum, because suddenly women were much more interested in meeting me. A few months later, I met my second wife on eHarmony. I can't explain how it works, but something flipped in me. Fact is, I'm having some confidence issues myself right now (2nd wife died a few years ago, and 3rd LTR cheated on me). But I'm hoping that one trigger, that worked for me ten years ago, will work again. What I'm saying is, don't give up. At the very least, your interactions with people are practice. The more you deal with people, as hard as it is, the easier it will become. I found that just going out and being social, not even with potential partners, sometimes just other guys, it helped me open up a little and stop worrying so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 So I guess I'm looking for advice from introverts who have succeeded at changing this type of situation, and hoping I won't hate the advice given... IMO, being an introvert is a bit different from being nervous around women. I've generally aligned with 'needing alone time to recharge' for most of my life but lost nervousness around women by college, and dated off and on for years after that. Myself, I just kept showing up and trying until whatever 'it' was started working at around 35. Failure had nothing to do with confidence; if it had I would have been lousy at dating once I left my own demographic and ranged further afield, and such dating was a resounding success. To boil it down, if I had to attach any single action to the word 'confidence', it was consciously caring less about any one person or interaction and learning to see people as interchangeable, rather than 'special', a debilitating illness which plagued me for years, along with 'saving myself' for that 'special' person. Got more selfish, got out there, cared less and had relationships. If you're nervous around women, immerse. Face your fears. If you're introverted, own that, proudly. You have enormous capacity for very intimate and deep relationships. That can be a real asset. If dating is 'marketing', market your strengths. If the crowd overwhelms you, take the lady by the hand to a quiet corner or 'how about let's take a walk?'. Accept that putting yourself out there is a risk and there will be rejection and failure. There will also be success. Very little true success in life comes without failure. Part of victory and part of confidence is the will to try, regardless of the challenges or face of failure. Part of being a man is 'do or die'. Face it. Hang around with successful men and learn from them, not just about women but about life in general. Part of being confident is being willing to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Targetlock Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 So I'm 38, introverted and have blown things with the few girls I've tried with. Basically what I do around girls I really like is get nervous, be afraid to do anything wrong, and just sit there waiting for everything to fail. It's hard not to, given that that's what always happens. When people say "you need to have confidence" I find it insulting. If you've only failed, any confidence would be a lie - false confidence. True confidence should come from success, and I haven't had any. It's like facing a rock wall, everyone around you is physically fit, you are 250 pounds, and they say "just climb up! just do it!" and of course you physically can't. I am really, really not on equal terms with the people giving me advice. I honestly feel they are poorly equipped to give me advice. Like a naturally thin person giving weight-loss advice, etc. So I guess I'm looking for advice from introverts who have succeeded at changing this type of situation, and hoping I won't hate the advice given... Yeah I have the same issues, as a skinny, awkward introverted guy it can be very difficult to put yourself out there and for people to see the real you. As suggested above the best advice i can give is focus on the positives and through confidence in other areas of your life it will spread to other aspects of your life, or that is the plan i guess. also keep practising, make the most of the opportunities life gives you and get out of your comfort zone, you never know who might be waiting for you Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 You can gain confidence by building upon simple wins. If you want to run a marathon you don't go out on day one & run 26 miles. If you are really out of shape, perhaps you start with a walk around the block & build from there. If you want to be more social but are terrfied to make the 1st move, start slowly. Go out for a week a smile at one new person a day. When you get more confident & relaxed doing that move to saying hello to one person a day. It doesn't have to be a complete stranger maybe somebody you see in the morning when you get your coffee. Build from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I used to have all sorts of social anxiety issues as a kid and as a teenager. The only thing that really helped was being around people a lot. My first job ever was a run-around one working with lots of different departments, people, men and women. I'm a natural introvert but not socially awkward anymore and really that's down to socialising with thousands of people over the years, going travelling, ending up outside my comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) I am introverted and I used to have terrible social anxiety. I still feel shy and nervous in certain situations, but I am still much much better than before. I improved my social skills by going to meet-up groups. At some of them, I acted so awkward that I never went back again out of pure embarassment. I remember how scared I felt when I wanted to say something: my heart would start pounding and I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying while I gathered up the nerve to actually talk. It was awful. But I didn't stop trying. I went to other ones (lots of them) until I found a group of people I like. There are now two groups that I feel comfortable with. This in itself gives me the confidence to meet more people. I've also been in and out of therapy for the past few years. Many of my confidence issues stem from my upbringing. Working on those issues helps with my social life. What has probably helped the most has been yoga. The studio is a very calm, accepting place with very nice people. You aren't expected to talk or socialize. It is all about accepting yourself for the way you are in this moment, and pushing yourself a little out of your comfort zone. I recommend reading "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking." It is validating. Edited June 28, 2014 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
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