Women, your experiences where a man showing vulnerability increased your closeness

[AnyaNova]

I keep hearing the meme out there that men should never show vulnerability, show fear, anxiety, or sadness because it will supposedly cause women to "lose attraction" and dump them.

 

But this has never been my experience. Every time a man has been courageous enough to show these things to me, it has actually deepened the relationship, brought us closer, and increased my attraction for him.

 

A prime example of this. In my longest relationship (13 years), about a month or two in, he shared with me his intense pain at never getting any sort of approval from his abusive father, and his pain at the abuse his father had dished out to him.

 

This was the exact moment where our relationship went from being just dumb fun together, and turned into something real and true. And instead of diminishing my attraction, it increased it.

 

So I was curious about your experiences? Women, have there been times that you have found this as well? And would you be willing to share your experiences?

 

Looking forward to your personal stories!

[Candy_Pants]

It's a beautiful thing that you are able to see a person who is vulnerable and open, not just a "man" who society says can't be vulnerable!!

 

I've been lucky enough to have many of those moments, not only with lovers but with friends and family as well.

 

Though if I don't trust them, or like them, no amount of being vulnerable will cause me to be so empathetic I forget why I don't trust them or like them as a person!!

[Els]

I can't go into specifics, as it involves details of my SO's personal life. But yes, he has shown vulnerability several times in the duration of our R, and yes, it did bring us closer. I suspect that the people (usually PUAs) who are pushing the 'don't show vulnerability' mantra, are never going to be in a close, long-term relationship if they stick with that.

 

I suppose it also depends on vulnerability about 'what'. If all this fear, anxiety, and sadness were caused by say, not having sex for a few days (as we've seen on these forums), then yes, it would be incredibly immature and a turn-off. But vulnerability about real, serious situations (either the relationship or personal life), it does bring two people closer to share that IMO.

[AnyaNova]

It's a beautiful thing that you are able to see a person who is vulnerable and open, not just a "man" who society says can't be vulnerable!!

 

I've been lucky enough to have many of those moments, not only with lovers but with friends and family as well.

 

Though if I don't trust them, or like them, no amount of being vulnerable will cause me to be so empathetic I forget why I don't trust them or like them as a person!!

 

Obviously, for such sharing to truly occur, there needs to be mutual trust, respect, and like or love.

 

I definitely agree, though, that it is a beautiful thing.

[todreaminblue]

In my case i connect with guys who are honest and open with their feelings including sadness and anxiety, guys that can show fear and tears and anything else are not less manly in my books....it forms a bond if protection with me, on my

pier tonight a fisherman got robbed he was the only one on the pier he kept shining his light on me as i was walking towards him...he was scared alone and vulnerable he told me maam im too scared to walk back along the pier because these guys had jumped him just before i got there........

 

 

 

that made me angry the cowards pack mentality but i was actually really calm.....because he wasnt.... he bravely fought them off with his fishing net adn trauma was starting to set in.......... they got his bag and his money...his eyes were red ...he had been crying.....so i told him i would walk with him to the police who were apparently already been called.....now i cant see very well and i seen two figures walking towards us so i told him to take out his phone and to tell me if it were them and if it was call the cops...i waked ahead a bit of him....i had no fear ....which i am happy about....and luckily it was the police walking towards us so, i told him i was very sorry that it happened to him and i explained to the police and he left with them an said thankyou maam and I went back to my pier...till i heard laughter and i caught a cab home because i believe they were still there......

 

 

anyway i felt nothing bad towards this fisherman i wanted to help and i felt protective.....i felt disgust at what had happened to him....but he was a cute guy...nice eyes...even if they were red......i actually think he was brave..........its not easy to face three guys......he did.......i have nothing but respect for guys who show me how they feel..adn i dont have to drag it out of them...i know it isnt easy but it shows trust and if they trust me...i trust them....my family have now grounded me from going to the pier at night by myself...not that i will listen i am careful enough.......i havent been called maam before in such a sweet soft voice.....smilin...he showed me respect and trust....and yes i would have fought them if they tried it on him or me..i may look goofy but i can actually fight.....if it wasnt the police who were walking my way.....i reckon his fishing net could have made a really good head wrap......the things i see ......amaze even me.....i am amazed he called me maam...he was from a different country though..........deb

Edited June 24, 2014 by todreaminblue

[AnyaNova]

I can't go into specifics, as it involves details of my SO's personal life. But yes, he has shown vulnerability several times in the duration of our R, and yes, it did bring us closer. I suspect that the people (usually PUAs) who are pushing the 'don't show vulnerability' mantra, are never going to be in a close, long-term relationship if they stick with that.

 

I suppose it also depends on vulnerability about 'what'. If all this fear, anxiety, and sadness were caused by say, not having sex for a few days (as we've seen on these forums), then yes, it would be incredibly immature and a turn-off. But vulnerability about real, serious situations (either the relationship or personal life), it does bring two people closer to share that IMO.

 

My own thoughts on that were that since I'm anonymous here, he's doubly removed anonymous from me since none of you know him, and that the specific example for me, I'm pretty sure given the anonymity that he wouldn't mind having shared because he understands that the specific cited example will give those who disagree more of a substantial response. With that said, though, I completely understand and respect your decision to not share the specifics.

 

It is nice to hear that you, too, have experienced the increased closeness that men showing vulnerability brings to a relationship.

 

It did not even occur to me that a man would consider going without sex for a few days that much of a tragedy. Fervently hoping that this is a joke only.

[AnyaNova]

I just have to interject that you seem to have this incredible confidence in your own skin as regards your safety and ability to defend yourself. It is quite awesome.

 

 

 

 

In my case i connect with guys who are honest and open with their feelings including sadness and anxiety, guys that can show fear and tears and anything else are not less manly in my books....it forms a bond if protection with me, on my

pier tonight a fisherman got robbed he was the only one on the pier he kept shining his light on me as i was walking towards him...he was scared alone and vulnerable he told me maam im too scared to walk back along the pier because these guys had jumped him just before i got there........

 

 

 

that made me angry the cowards pack mentality but i was actually really calm.....because he wasnt.... he bravely fought them off with his fishing net adn trauma was starting to set in.......... they got his bag and his money...his eyes were red ...he had been crying.....so i told him i would walk with him to the police who were apparently already been called.....now i cant see very well and i seen two figures walking towards us so i told him to take out his phone and to tell me if it were them and if it was call the cops...i waked ahead a bit of him....i had no fear ....which i am happy about....and luckily it was the police walking towards us so, i told him i was very sorry that it happened to him and i explained to the police and he left with them an said thankyou maam and I went back to my pier...till i heard laughter and i caught a cab home because i believe they were still there......

 

 

anyway i felt nothing bad towards this fisherman i wanted to help and i felt protective.....i felt disgust at what had happened to him....but he was a cute guy...nice eyes...even if they were red......i actually think he was brave..........its not easy to face three guys......he did.......i have nothing but respect for guys who show me how they feel..adn i dont have to drag it out of them...i know it isnt easy but it shows trust and if they trust me...i trust them....my family have now grounded me from going to the pier at night by myself...not that i will listen i am careful enough.......i havent been called maam before in such a sweet soft voice.....smilin...he showed me respect and trust....and yes i would have fought them if they tried it on him or me..i may look goofy but i can actually fight.....if it wasnt the police who were walking my way.....i reckon his fishing net could have made a really good head wrap......the things i see ......amaze even me.....i am amazed he called me maam...he was from a different country though..........deb

[d0nnivain]

It depends on the situation. If my female friends cry at a sad movie, I'll hand them a tissue. If my BF or husband did it, I'd worry.

 

At truly emotional moments: births & deaths, in the face of tragic news, emotion is fine. I do feel closer that my guy feels safe & secure enough to show me his vulnerable side.

[serial muse]

My H went through a really tough experience last year. He was in a life-threatening accident and was in the hospital for nearly a month. When he came out he was so weak and frail and thin -- and he's normally a very physically active, strong, independent guy - and this was possibly the most vulnerable I'd ever seen him. He needed me (for everything from emptying bed pans to just being there when he got sad) and although I would never wish that experience on anyone, I do feel like it brought us closer.

 

The other vulnerable moment was when our son was born. This is a man who doesn't cry; I saw him with tears in his eyes and it was profound.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It always brings me closer. I can't even like a guy that shows no vulnerability.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I don't understand how a relationship can be formed if either party shows no vulnerability. Being in a committed relationship, falling in love, trusting another with your feelings…that is vulnerability. When you allow yourself to love someone, that means that you acknowledge that if they were to leave, you would be hurt. Therefore I believe that you can't truly have love without some level of vulnerability.

 

I've had an interesting relationship with my fiancé, where we were together for a year and a half, broke up, and then reunited. Our first year or so together was marred by his fear of being vulnerable…he has said this himself. Because he feared being hurt, he didn't allow himself to fully love, commit, and prosper within our relationship. Once we reunited, and have worked out the finer points of our relationship, he's expressed that allowing himself to become vulnerable has been the pivotal factor in improving the strength of our relationship. I whole-heartedly agree!

[Keenly]

Sometimes its hard for a man to show vulnerability because past experiences have shown that his vulnerability can be exploited and used against him at a later date.

[littleplanet]

Well, I won't describe the particular vulnerability here. It is just that personal. (Something that has been in my life since the age of 3, and the biggest reason why I am a musician.)

 

A great many years ago, my SO witnessed this vulnerability.......once.

She is the only one who ever has.

That is the cement that glued us together.

 

And for the record....she likes a strong man.

(she's the strongest woman I know, and I know quite a few.......)

[AnyaNova]

Sometimes its hard for a man to show vulnerability because past experiences have shown that his vulnerability can be exploited and used against him at a later date.

 

I don't doubt that it is hard, rather, just I doubt in most cases it has the affect that men often fear it will. I think in most cases, it actually does bring relationships closer together.

[somedude81]

In order to have a thread that tells the whole story, you should also ask women to tell stories of when their man showed some vulnerability and it make her think less of him.

 

Frankly I feel that being open and honest with my ex and showing her how much I liked her played a significant impact in her dumping me.

[carhill]

I didn't need real life experiences, rather just reading this web site, to understand completely how the dynamics of male vulnerability really work. There are words and then there are actions. However, decades of real life preceded this discussion forum so, in that realm, there is really no new news on the vulnerability front. Hence, I'm vulnerable with the male friends who have proven their love and loyalty over decades. The ones who have my back, and did during my M. For those women who demonstrate increased closeness when their man shows his vulnerable belly, I applaud you. Best wishes for a long life.

[kiss_andmakeup]

In order to have a thread that tells the whole story, you should also ask women to tell stories of when their man showed some vulnerability and it make her think less of him.

 

Frankly I feel that being open and honest with my ex and showing her how much I liked her played a significant impact in her dumping me.

 

But one might say that if that were the case, the relationship was doomed anyways. You just moved the end-point up a bit by showing your feelings. Those feelings were destined to come out at some point.

[somedude81]

But one might say that if that were the case, the relationship was doomed anyways. You just moved the end-point up a bit by showing your feelings. Those feelings were destined to come out at some point.

 

Or maybe not at all, if she were to eventually develop deep feelings for me down the line.

 

I do believe that men showing their vulnerability sometimes is OK, but the woman has to be solid on her feelings for him in order for her not to think less of him.

 

In my situation, I may have done it too soon.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think both sexes avoid being vulnerable, because they're both scared of being hurt or exposed revealing their very personal insecurities or fears with a person that they're unsure of whether they can trust.

 

But everyone desires to share that and that's why ultimately many people do, there is a desire to release that emotional burden in general but also because it creates a trust and therefore a bond, in turn creating a closer relationship. A lot of people I've learned however just don't know how. Some have never even challenged themselves to articulate and express how they really feel, out of fear of having to deal with some unwanted/undesirable emotions or memories...attempting to just bury those things deep within themselves and try to let the rest of the world know that they aren't affected by it.

 

As an overly expressive guy myself, I would say that women are often really unaccustomed to to that behavior and not confident in crossing this imaginary line or barrier setup within themselves...this invisible wall they have built up that they're used to men not even coming to close to knocking on. I think it really changes the dynamic and how they engage with me on a personal level, but that's just not exclusively with women either.

 

But that's why it's such a long and methodical process of trust building for many people, it's this slow tearing away of this exterior person into the deeper levels until close is close enough, then people shut down. Women tend to be much more brave in that respect, they're much more open to taking the good with the bad but they also get a lot of anxiety over that lack of control and exposure within themselves I notice...men however I notice they tend to cower and build a facade of strength and power so that no one ever questions their insecurity or vulnerability in the first place, they fear if you are aware of their insecurities then maybe you will not respect them as powerful men any longer (in their own right)...as men essentially feel this duty like obligation to be strong and immune to sadness (well not all of them, but a lot)...you're always supposed to be brave as a man, women are allowed to let it out and show that vulnerability. But once you do get under the exterior with men, it's much easier to get deep down than it is with women, they're aware of the problem already usually and it's for the most part clear...they just need to kind of be pressed for it and turn over every rock they try and hide under, then they're kind of like "well yeah...this is the problem here, i know"

 

I think it's sad overall that people have to create this exterior person to the world, and then be alone having to deal with all their uncertainties and fears, not even able to share them with people close to them...but hoping to find that one person they can trust and share it all with so they, kind of like it's a big secret and don't have to do it alone any longer. I feel like that's where a lot of women build a relationship with men, and they feel like they're getting underneath those layers but then wonder why that's not enough in creating the bond...but that's a whole other topic.

 

But I don't think exposing yourself (not that kind of exposing) is about someone else, or even building a love or romantic relationship for whatever it is...I think it's just learning to be who you really are behind the veil. When you're open to who you are and comfortable with your own fears and insecurities you don't have to hide from them any longer, there's a freedom in being able to live as yourself and accepting yourself as an imperfect person...and when you are comfortable with yourself nobody can hurt you, nobody can pick out that wound and dig their finger into it because you've already faced and recognized the pain or emotion rather than tried to pretend it doesn't exist..

 

And I think that often gets twisted and piled into the "romantic" world like every other need that can't be meet, I think that's why people have so many expectations and seek so much fulfillment from their SO's, it's like their last ditch effort because they want to release and share that burden with somebody...and to me that's just a very human thing, I've seen no difference in that desire between the sexes in that regard IMO...the problem is women and men tend to think and feel different, having different perspectives, and that elevates the fear of being misunderstood or misinterpreted...as a man, it's pretty easy to be misunderstood or not understood at all by a woman, although they may try very hard to...and sometimes unfortunately that in some ways makes you feel more alone and isolated..and I'm sure women feel the way, and so they try and understand each other in the best ways they can but you have to know how to speak the others language to get the real message the way it's really being intended to.

[AnyaNova]

In order to have a thread that tells the whole story, you should also ask women to tell stories of when their man showed some vulnerability and it make her think less of him.

 

Frankly I feel that being open and honest with my ex and showing her how much I liked her played a significant impact in her dumping me.

 

You see, in so many instances, it is the way we interpret the situation, not the situation itself that makes the fundamental difference.

 

Later on in the thread you say that maybe if you had waited until her feelings were stronger. But here's the thing. You wouldn't have shared if you didn't feel like you'd already reached the appropriate level of intimacy and trust to be able to do so.

 

You could choose to interpret as you do, that men shouldn't show vulnerability, or that they should wait and wait and wait and wait some more to be really really sure that she feels strongly enough.

 

Or you could choose to interpret it in this way, because if she is one of the women who cannot handle true trust and intimacy, no amount of waiting is going to help. If you wait three years before showing vulnerability and you show it and she is one of the ones who cannot handle it due to her own issues, than all that will happen is that she will leave you then after three years after your own feelings had cemented and you would be only more wounded.

 

You could view it as her showing you that she was not mature enough to be able to handle true trust and sharing, and leaving you, as painful as it was, gave you the opportunity to find someone who was truly ready for it.

 

My ex, for example. His leaving was intensely painful, particularly with his own pain. And I have chosen to view it as this awful tragedy, that either something internal or external, (probably family) exerted enough pressure to make him act against his own clear feeling.

 

But what he showed me that last night was that he was a child inside a man's body. A very sweet and wounded child, but a child nonetheless. I would have stayed with him and done everything I could for him to help him be healthy and to help him be able to love like a true adult.

 

But I couldn't. What he did do is set me free to find someone who is able to love me like an adult and who has a strong sense of his self and his own needs.

 

And yes it hurts, and yes if I could go back and change that moment I would, but I can't and it is done. And it is time to start viewing his choice as a gift to me so that I can find someone who will stay in my life instead of a prison sentence forced upon me.

 

Perhaps it is good that you shared, and perhaps you actually shared at the perfect time. And next time, perhaps you'll share and be vulnerable and it will increase your closeness because your new woman will be mature enough to handle it.

[KathyM]

I mentioned on this board before how my husband had a very special relationship with his grandparents and would usually get teary eyed when he told stories about them. That deep love he felt and vulnerability in showing his soft side was very endearing to me, and one reason why I fell in love with him. I think the fact that I approached his sensitivity with tenderness made him more able to open up and share his emotions. He also cried when he told me he loved me for the first time. Those words were very meaningful for him, and he had never said them to a woman before, even though he had been dating women since 16 years old and has had various exclusive relationships with women in the past. That also made me feel closer to him when he shared such vulnerability in professing his love.

 

 

I find it so odd that some men think that being open and vulnerable is a turn off for women. On the contrary, it turns on the woman's nurturing and emotional side. That's not the same as being weak or lacking coping skills or life skills, which is what turns women off.

[carhill]

I find it so odd that some men think that being open and vulnerable is a turn off for women.

 

It's not 'odd', it's our life experience, so I'd appreciate the respect that is afforded your life experience here. Thanks!

[AnyaNova]

It's not 'odd', it's our life experience, so I'd appreciate the respect that is afforded your life experience here. Thanks!

 

????

 

Note the difference.

 

It is odd that some men think that being so open and vulnerable...

 

I find it odd that some men think that being so open and vulnerable...

 

She is affording respect to your life experience by emphasizing that it is solely her perceptions, and not necessarily an accurate portrayal of reality.

 

This seems to be a particularly sensitive issue for you. But jumping on posters for not doing exactly what they actually did do seems a bit much.

[carhill]

Note that she goes on to connect it to 'weak' by using inference and her skill as a professional psychologist. Yep.

 

Note that you're doing exactly the same thing, putting the problem on me. My problem. Yep, that's what I dealt with over a lifetime with women and am done with it. Done.

[AnyaNova]

Note that she goes on to connect it to 'weak' by using inference and her skill as a professional psychologist. Yep.

 

Note that you're doing exactly the same thing, putting the problem on me. My problem. Yep, that's what I dealt with over a lifetime with women and am done with it. Done.

 

But that is not what she did. She was making the observation that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak, or of lacking life coping skills.

 

I am not putting the problem on you. I simply pointed out that you accused her of disrespecting your experience. She did not. She did not say that it is odd. She simply said that she finds it odd. There is an ocean of meaning between those two phrases.

 

It really seems like you are not reading what is actually being written in some cases, but rather what it seems like you want to react to because it gives your anger and preconceived notions an outlet.