I Survived Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 In October 2003, you contacted my husband through the internet. Looking back, it is clear what your intentions were from the very beginning. You have a miserable life. A husband who is no longer interested in you. A son who has gone away to college. A mother who has ahlzeimers. You figured that your life was a mess so you went hunting for someone to play with. That person was my husband. He had been unemployed and starting a contract position to "pay the bills" and feeling very worthless. Nothing I could say or do would help. He refused counseling. So there he was, ripe for the picking. The two of you had a pretty good time for six months. Trading emails, and phone calls, gifts and one time while on a business trip he traveled hundreds of miles out of the way to hook up with you. I thank the Lord everyday that it never happened. I knew there was something wrong. He was distant. He never wanted me to go anywhere with him. He was impatient with me, bothered by me. It was a horrible time. I asked him once, do you love me? His answer felt like he slapped me. "I don't think I do" Once I came out of the shock I told him, you love me, you're just very angry right now. And life went on... Until May 3rd 2004, while checking email, I found a questionnaire that he had filled out. One of the questions was "who do you think will answer this the fastest?" The name LEAH jumped off the page at me. Oh my God, who's LEAH? My head felt like it was going to explode, I got dizzy, I felt like I was going to throw up. I stood up, paced the room, then I called him at the contract job he had taken. Who's LEAH? He was evasive but I did not give up. I asked, do you know someone named LEAH? He said yes, I can't talk about it right now. I got in my car and drove to where he was and made him get in the car. He was annoyed that I had found out and asked me how? Did I get an email, a phone call? It seems that your husband found out about your SECOND affair the month before. I told him it didn't matter how I found out. What the hell was going on? Little by little, bit by bit, I got the information out of him. She was someone from his hometown who he used to date 30 years ago. Over the next three weeks, I asked the questions, sometimes he would tell the truth, sometimes not. But every time I discovered the lie, we'd have to start over again. The third week after I discovered you, I had enough. I went ballistic. I was very angry and I went after him. I did not hit him but I grabbed him and screamed into his face. That day, he says, was an epiphany for him. He realized how much I loved him. That I did care about him. It was the beginning of us repairing the harm that you and he caused. He knows how much he hurt me. We got into counseling and talked more than we ever had in all the years we were together. He told me all about you - he kept nothing from me. He was an open book. He said he was obsessed and once he came to his senses, he questioned why he did it. The next months, until now, have been months of discovery. Of course, you didn't want to let go and you have the crazy idea that he will still come back to you. I got your menacing statements "going to visit New England" "I will build a lighthouse in a bottle for you to find you way back to me" "he is a part of me" and on and on and on. You call me a fool. Who's the real fool? You have nothing, again. I have a loving relationship with my husband that is deep, precious, and secure. Nothing will ever come between us again. I hope that you will get the help that you need because you are obsessed and twisted. Consider yourself forgotten and insignificant by us. Thanks for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 You might want to take out the part about 'considering you forgotten and insignificant' because if that was true, there would be no point in writing the letter. I am sorry you had to go through it, but I think you need to let it go, in order to completely move on with your life and marraige. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Are you planning on sending this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 No I will not send this. I have always been able to work through problems by writing down the words that swim around in my head. This is the way I have finally allowed myself to let it go. It's therapy for me. I found solace in the Love Shack site last August. It helped me work through this horrible experience. I just wanted to put an ending to the story. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Ahh - I see. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Ahh... I get it. I misunderstood and thought you would be sending it. Whatever works to get you past this is great. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Yeah, good for you to move past hopefully. I'm sorry this happened to you. You need to place the blame, however squarely where it sits- which is with your husband. It was HE who was committed to you, not her. She doesn't know you or care about you and she certainly wasn't married to you. Yes, perhaps she went after your husband- but it's his fault that he gave in. I'm not saying this randomly. I had a A. Believe me, the man pursued me, but can I blame him for me going astray? Noooooo, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to do it, period. People always want to blame the other partner, when in reality they need to blame the person they were married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 How about typing a letter to your husband now??? He was not so innocent in this whole dilemma you know!!! Link to post Share on other sites
intermittent poster Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 That was one heck of a vent! :-) I'm a BW and I understand how hurt you are but eventually you have to realize that by hanging on to that anger, you are only hurting yourself and giving the tramp power over your life. Wouldn't that be just what a jilted, discarded other woman would want? A distraught, unhappy, shaken, disturbed, crying, b*tching, angry, sullen wife she could look at and compare herself to? Wouldn't that make her feel superior if she knew how shaken up you are? OWs get off on feeling like they are the big rescuer's of poor misunderstood mistreated men. Their dream lovers and fantasy women. HAH! WHATEVER. By allowing this to eat at you, you will become the bitter mean and wretched person the OW and your H (for a time) painted in their minds when they were living on Fantasy Island. What she and your husband did was wrong. Your H knows that and you know that. Your H chose to be with you and he DUMPED HER. The OW is nothing but something you and your H would rather forget about anyway so do your best to put it behind you now. Don't let her win by ruining your happiness with your husband forever. Next time you find yourself obsessing over her, put up a mental "stop sign" in your head. Now, I mean this literally! Visualize that stop sign, even say the word "STOP" out loud and make yourself think of something else. This has broken your heart. Haven't you given that meddling piece of tail enough of your life yet? How long will you reward her for her disrespectful treatment of you? Refuse to give her any more of your precious time!! Your life is yours. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 Thank you intermittent poster- that is the same advice my friend gave me. "She is insignificant" is taped to the top of my computer monitor. It has prevented me from sending her nastigrams. (I have her email address). I have her home address and believe me, the only reason I don't send her a poison pen letter is because it will give her satisfaction. In response to Mz. Pixie and Daddy's Lil Princess, we (my husband and I ) have already address his participation in this whole event. He has taken full responsibility for his part in it. Now believe, me, I'm not letting him off the hook, but I understand why he did it. It had everything to do with our lack of communication and how we treated each other. Background - my mother has dementia and lived next door to me. She was a big responsibility for me. I probably wouldn't even notice something was wrong if she hadn't moved to assistant living. I can understand how my very needy husband felt. From his mouth he was saying, do what you need to do for your mother, but the little boy was feeling abandoned. It is NO EXCUSE for what he did. But I understand how it could happen. Because he and I addressed this flaw head on, we have been able to forgive each other and become more aware of each other's needs. We are more of a couple now than we have ever been in our whole time together. We went through hell and survived it. I love this website. It gives me the opportunity to express me and get fabulous feedback from people who understand. I thank you all. You guys are the best. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 will stray once again, when you can't be the Eternal Maternal Teat The fact that you called him a little boy reinforces my point. Have fun with your man-child. If your hubby is over 30 and still a 'little boy' don't expect him to change. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Coming from an exOW.. she's right, you ARE the fool.. for still being with him, and believeing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 To erica2610 and uberfrau In response to your postings - I am still with my husband because we worked through the things that caused the problems in our relationship. Lots of people say, "fck it" and don't even try to figure out what was wrong and they move on to a new partner and do the same things over and over. I went back and read my posting and i guess i wasn't clear about the little boy comment. I was not trying to be demeaning. We all have "little children" within us who have experienced pain, abandonment, anxiety and that stays with us our whole lives. If you think about it.. if you had a traumatic experience at the dentist when you were a little child, that might be why you are hesitant to go to the dentist now. That's just an example. This Loveshack format is a way for people to write about their life experiences and I apologize to you both for writing my story in a way that was misinterpreted. My husband is not a little boy, by any stretch of the imagination. But he is a sensitive person and i need to value his feelings, as he does mine. He will not stray again and I believe it. If that makes me a fool, then so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
:) Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Still Hurting- I'm glad you posted your letter - and i wish you and your H the best while you both work through this - I also hope that the replies you receive are all POSITIVE!!! Only you know what the "deal is" in your M and you are the only one that matters at the moment Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 Thanks for your support and kind words . I can understand how my writing could have been misinterpreted. I guess it all depends on the person reading it and what their head and heart feels. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Your 'needy little boy' will stray once again, when you can't be the Eternal Maternal Teat The fact that you called him a little boy reinforces my point. Have fun with your man-child. If your hubby is over 30 and still a 'little boy' don't expect him to chang Coming from an exOW.. she's right, you ARE the fool.. for still being with him, and believeing him. uberfrau, why are you so rude and heartless? Still Hurting didn't post this letter to hear advice that her H will once again stray, she just needed to vent and she did this by writing what she felt to the OW. I have done the very same but never sent it either, I told her off myself, verbally. As for you saying her H is still a little boy and will never change....you don't know him. It takes all kinds of men to cheat, from grown mature men, to "little boy" immature men. Just b/c he cheated doesn't mean he is still a "child" or a "little boy." I understood what Still Hurting said when she called him a "little boy." From you post it seems you are jealous that someone can make a M work and stay faithful. Didn't you say in a past post you and your H have an open M? Maybe you really don't want that open M but your H does and you are truely unhappy. Seeing W's come here to post that they are trying to work on their M and are happy makes you jealous???? I don't know and I apologize if that's not correct. erika, I think you are a little jealous too b/c you ex MM probably broke it off w/ you to work on his M w/ his W, am I right? How dare anyone say that her H will stray again. Do you have FACTS that he will do this? NO! So stop telling posters that their SO is going to stay again. You don't know that. Poor Still Hurting comes here for a vent and here you two are calling her the fool and saying her H will stray once again. THIS is something she does not need or want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 a question..... and please i'm not saying that anyone who's on this thread has said these things before but i'm puzzled. i'm an ex OW and obviously spend a fair amount of time on that portion of this site. over and over and over again posters (many of them BSs) find their way there (which is no problem most of the time) and are really quick to point out to the OWs how if this MM has cheated on his wife what makes us think that he won't cheat on us too? a fair question, but then i see things here like this where people get jumped on for saying that a WS may or will do that to his W again? isn't that somewhat confusing? that some seem to think that the "cheater" will cheat on the OW but not on the W again when that's the person he cheated on to begin with? i just find that all terribly confusing.... i don't necessarily believe in the theory "once a cheater...." BUT if he was missing something in THAT relationship that resulted in him straying .... my ex MM was (is?) a repeat offender. as his W so clearly pointed out to me, "i hope you also realize that this is not the first and I am sure not the last affair" --- direct quote from an email i received from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle ....over and over and over again posters (many of them BSs) find their way there (which is no problem most of the time) and are really quick to point out to the OWs how if this MM has cheated on his wife what makes us think that he won't cheat on us too? a fair question, but then i see things here like this where people get jumped on for saying that a WS may or will do that to his W again? isn't that somewhat confusing? that some seem to think that the "cheater" will cheat on the OW but not on the W again when that's the person he cheated on to begin with? I don't agree with the "once a cheater..." line of thought either. I think that when a WS can work through the issues in the marital relationship, there is an opportunity to repair the flaws that made infidelity possible. When this is accomplished, then there is no reason for repeated cheating. When a WS bails out, or is forced out of the marriage, he/she hasn't had the opportunity to resolve these issues, and therefore probably hasn't truly reconciled the character flaws that made cheating possible to begin with. S/he is thus more likely to cheat again. Not to say that it is impossible for a WS to work all that out on his/her own, even if the marriage is defunct. At some point down the road, they may in fact do just that. But an OW will not have any guarantees because the cheater hasn't had an opportunity to prove it in actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin I told her off myself, verbally. You told her off??? OMG I would love to do that to the B. She would crap her drawers if I ever showed up at her door. She's such a coward. I really hate her. I went back and read something that I wrote (the needy husband part) I recognize that I still have some anger issues to deal with. It's funny. Women can pretty much take care of themselves emotionally, but MEN, yee gads! I'll work on it. Thanks for the defense stillhurtin. How are things going for you now? Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Stillhurtin - Congrats on seeing what your marriage can really be, realizing how it got where it did, and working towards making it better than it was before. It won't be easy, and the bad memories may never totally go away, but there are many of us who know we can still have many great times ahead of us! Once a cheater - always a cheater? I don't think that's a fair statement to apply to cheaters - men or women. Every one of us is different, every relationship is different. Don't most of us learn from our mistakes? Life is too short! Good luck with yours, I hope it grows better than ever with the new understandings you have achieved! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 do you mean - Still Hurting? or StillHurtin? There are two of us who found the user name appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Originally posted by Still Hurting do you mean - Still Hurting? or StillHurtin? There are two of us who found the user name appropriate. I know, I get confused too. Yea, I told her off and believe me it was a lot easier to do than I thought, but I told her off over the phone. I never had the opprotunity to tell her off in person. I didn't know where she lived and her number was unlisted so I couldn't look her number up in the book. If I had known where she lived I probably would of went to see her. I knew the town where she lived and it's a tiny town. I drove around and tried to find her house but her car wasn't anywhere. I did see her driving through town there after H and I got back 2gether and she went the other direction. She knew my van b/c H took it to work several times, plus I also have personalized plates. The OW H was involved w/ isn't a coward. She gets drunk and is always trying to pick fights w/ other girls at parties (her own H told me that). I told her H that if she approaches me and tries to pick a fight I would let her throw the first punch then I would call the police and get her for assualt. We both have children, and the last thing I wanted was to put my kids through was a mom getting into a fight w/ the OW and getting in trouble. Her H told me that would be the best but he had doubts that she would actually do that. I had known the OW for 3 years b4 their A. She was H's co-worker. She wanted to be friends, wanted me to babysit her dd, would always come over to talk to me when I would go in and see H at work. So, she knew me, knew he was married, knew we had children. I called her about three times. The first two times it was me telling her I knew what was going on and to be respectful of me and wait until the M was over b4 she got involved w/ him. The reason why I told her this was b/c she and H both told me that he was having doubts about filing for a D. He didn't know what he wanted, he was confused. The last phone call I made I told her to stay the F#ck away from him, she hung up on me. The next time I told her off is when she called to talk to H when I was visiting him. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Ooops! It was intended for Stillhurting.... And I can relate to it, I'm in the same position, pretty much. It has been tough, but it is working for us, and I'm glad now I didn't walk out and give up. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Originally posted by only1life Ooops! It was intended for Stillhurting.... And I can relate to it, I'm in the same position, pretty much. It has been tough, but it is working for us, and I'm glad now I didn't walk out and give up. Take Care I agree, that is why I couldn't just walk away not knowing what the future held for us. I prayed several times a day to figure out what I should do. I couldn't just give up and not know if the M could survive or not. Some days are harder than others but as each day, week, month, passes it gets easier. Link to post Share on other sites
one who knows Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 i am pretty sure that the ow do not think of themselves as superior sex goddesses saving H's from dreadful marriages, in most cases the ow will feel inferior in that she can never have the depth of relationship with the man she has fallen in love with that his wife does, and the wife always comes first. she doubtfully has picked out a mm and intended to destroy a marriage either. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts