An open letter to the woman who tried to take my husband away

[I Survived]

In my honest opinion, I believe men and women enter into affairs for a couple of reasons.

First, they want something they can't have.

Secondly, an affair with someone who is married is safer than having a real relationship with someone. There are a lot of people who have a fear of closeness. That comes from having a traumatic experience in their childhood where they felt abandoned, and in some cases they were abandoned by one parent or the other. People who have that fear enter into a relationship and as soon as it gets serious, they pick a fight to make the other person get fed up and leave. "See I told you they would leave" So, in an affair, they don't have to put their whole self on the line. They will never have the whole thing because the married person is tied up with someone else and more often than not, actually committed to their spouse.

I know this because I used to feel the same way. I would get involved with someone, then for reasons that i discovered later in life, I would get scared and put up my wall of protection, "don't let them get too close, they'll leave, you can't trust them" That is exactly why my husbands internet affair hit me so hard. I felt abandoned. My self-worth was pretty beaten up. I am thankful that I had the courage to hold on.

[one who knows]

i'd say that was pretty accurate but that it is alot more subconcious than that, i dont think ow conciously say oh theres a married man i'm going to go for that regardless of the hurt i will cause to myself and his family and even him.

[one who knows]

0h and i definetly dont agree with the wanting what they cant have thing from the ow point of view

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Still Hurting

There are a lot of people who have a fear of closeness. That comes from having a traumatic experience in their childhood where they felt abandoned, and in some cases they were abandoned by one parent or the other. People who have that fear enter into a relationship and as soon as it gets serious, they pick a fight to make the other person get fed up and leave. "See I told you they would leave" So, in an affair, they don't have to put their whole self on the line. They will never have the whole thing because the married person is tied up with someone else and more often than not, actually committed to their spouse.

I know this because I used to feel the same way. I would get involved with someone, then for reasons that i discovered later in life, I would get scared and put up my wall of protection, "don't let them get too close, they'll leave, you can't trust them" That is exactly why my husbands internet affair hit me so hard. I felt abandoned. My self-worth was pretty beaten up. I am thankful that I had the courage to hold on.

 

I can relate to this so much. I felt abandoned as a child but I did the opposite thing to what you say. I threw myself into my relationships and always believed that this person was going to be the one who didn't hurt me. There are a few times in my life when I faced the worst thing I ever thought possible and somehow got through it, but I never learned.

 

When my h betrayed me, it took me at least 6 months to even believe that he had done that to me. I lost my rock. What I am seeing now is that I have to find a way to build a rock inside myself, instead of relying on other people to be it.

 

Still Hurting - you need to let go your anger about the OW - it's going to kill you. She is insignificant in the sense that she has no part in your life now. One way I found to do it (although I'm still not quite there), was to have some empathy for her. Sounds crazy, I know, but I know that she is a very insecure person and tagged onto my husband for a variety of reasons but mainly because she is unhappy. I know she is really hurt now and sounds vicious, but that makes me feel better. We all know that when the smoke lifts that MM do not generally choose the OW. That's not to make light of their feelings but affairs are not about real life in the majority of cases. They are about something that a wife cannot give a husband - i.e. being a different person.

 

Don't keep beating yourself up like this. You have no need to be angry with her. Your best revenge will be to get on with your life and hold your head high.

 

Hugs,

Sylvia

[erika2610]

First of all, StillHurtin.. I'm not jealoous at all. I'm the one that chose to end it because I was worth more than that. Second of all, you W's need to let go of your anger for the other woman. Yourr H's are the main ones to blame here. If it wasn't us it would've been somebody else. And nothing pisses me off more than people making general assumptions about us like 'oh she's just insecure, or unhappy, or she was ABANDONED by a parent'.

[erika2610]

But hey girls.. if what you need to feel better is to make assumptions and rag on us, go for it.

[Poppy]

Hi there Still Hurting,

 

I've just read your story and your messages and i want to say how strong you've been, how right you were to write your feelings about the o/w down and thus get it off your chest, this needs to be done, in order for you to move into acceptance and lose the anger and hurt.

 

I don't think we any of us, mean to hurt others, but when we come from a deeply unsatisfied, unequal and desperately unhappy place as the o/w obviously was, then we make decisions out of our negativety. She was hurting before, was hurting during and will still be hurting now because she is deeply troubled. It could have been any man, she was searching for someone who would make her feel better about her life when she is the only one that can do that for herself.

 

You are dead right when you say your husband was vulnerable, they both were but it's happened and it was a mistake, we as humans all make mistakes and the best thing we can do when we make one is to a) firstly forgive ourselves and b) learn from the consequences of that mistake. I hope your husband is now learning to if not accept, then at least forgive himself for his mistake.

 

I don't believe the o/w will ever be insignificant because she may well be the turning point in both yours and your husband's lives to a much better understanding of each other and because you so nearly lost it, an even more precious marriage than you may have had without her.

 

Good luck and take care and nurture your man, never take him for granted and long may you be happy together.

 

Love from Poppy

[I Survived]

Sylviaguardian

thank you for your posting. I am not beating myself up about the affair. My husband and I are better than we have ever been in all the time we've been together. It was, as Poppy said, "a turning point in both of our lives" . For that , I am thankful to the OW. You said that I should have some empathy for her. Well - after the dust had settled with my H and I, the more I heard about the OW, the sorrier I felt for her. My H acknowledged that he was obsessed with the relationship, that it fed his ego so I began to put myself in her shoes. She was looking for someone to make her feel happy because she couldn't find that happiness within herself. I have been in an obsessive relationship before and it is a paralyzing experience. The focus is totally on the other person, when will I see him again, when will I talk to him again, what will I wear, is this sexy enough? I would make excuses to call him, find out where he was and casually bump into him. Looking back on the whole thing, I was stalking him. I couldn't think of anything else and a whole big chunk of my life passed me by. I regret the time I stole away from my children especially. That is something I will NEVER EVER be able to get back. I thank God my kids are great and they got through it (one better than the other) but it couldn't help but effect them. So getting back to the OW. I did have empathy for her, I tried to communicate with her and tell her that I understood why she did it and tried to talk to her about what she could do to help get out of the rut. I told her to tell her husband how unhappy she was, to go to personal counseling to find out why she entered into affairs (my h was not the first). Unfortunately, anything I wrote to her was taken as criticism, a threat, she called me a fool, she said that my H would get tired of me, she said she would always be there waiting for him, etc. There was nothing I could say that could get through. erika2610 wrote "if what you need to feel better is to make assumptions and rag on us, go for it" That is the exact mindset that the OW has and for the life of me I have been unsuccessful in trying to understand that. No one is ragging on anyone. An affair between two people who are committed to another by marriage is a hurtful, painful, damaging thing. It bruises the heart with a pain that will never go away. Someone you love turns to someone else for physical, or emotional support with no regard to what it will do to you, your marriage and the rest of your life. I may understand why my H did what he did, we both have taken the responsibility for our parts in the whole mess, but it will always be there. I never saw it coming. I trusted him with my whole being. He knows. But this OW. She's clueless and I wanted to help her move on. For some reason, she feels more comfortable holding on to someone she can't have. Maybe because what she has right in front of her isn't perfect. My H - at a distance - is perfect in her eyes. And for a time, she was perfect in his. There were no bills to pay, no trash to take out to the side of the road, no chores or repairs to do around the house. It was a lark, an exhilarating, emotional ride, that hurt themselves in the long run. My husband says he will spend the rest of his life trying to make up for the pain he caused. He tells me every morning, every night how much he loves me. And there are times when we just look at each other and smile because we recognize the love we have and the love we almost lost. I wish the OW could have that same love with her husband. I'm not angry about the affair anymore. I'm disappointed that I couldn't help her. Thanks everyone for letting me get this out. I welcome the support and criticism that you have written. Both have been helpful in opening my eyes.

[one who knows]

in erikas defense, you did come across as extremely angry and bitter and hostile and vengeful in the opening thread.

in the ow's defense, she probably believed that your husband was in love with her and also it sounds like that was the impression he must have blatantly given her when he was "obsessed" with her (or it). not saying that he was but he was confused at the time obviously. its not easy having to admit to yourself that you have been used but not good enough to be loved by someone.

i am sure that from you the wifes point of view the whole betrayal etc and loss of your safety net you centre of your world must rock you to the core, and i really sympathise with that. but you know that you were loved enough for somebody to want to marry you, the basis of your relationship with him was not to boost his ego.

i am sure the ow is not clueless, but it is very hard especially when already feeling bad to admit that you have been lied to and used and never actually loved. she is probably not ready to accept that yet. look noone expects you to have compassion for the ow really, why should you. it just really annoys me that other women are always the scapegoats in affairs when it is quite obvious that no complete stranger has the power to single handedly take over somebodys husband, not that amount of women have a nature that makes them WANT to wreck homes and destroy wives and ultimately destroy themselves. it is unfortunate circumstance that is all, it is two people who were vunerable and fell into something in desperation, the trouble is that only one person ever seems to lose in the very end, and who is that person, eh?

it also annoys me that the ow is always portrayed as being deficient in some of her faculties, it is simply not so. she might have been vunerable and got into this situation that made her feel even more vunerable and less in control. it happens to us all, but not all of us stumble across a married man at these times in our lives, very fortunately for some.

it is good that you and your husband have been able to find the lost love again.

[Owl]

I'm not sure I entirely agree with you, One Who Knows. When you consider the number of marriages that end in divorce after infideltity (I've seen that it's somewhere around 65%), it becomes pretty obvious that almost everyone "loses" when an affair occurs. Even in cases where the marriage is repaired, all of the people involved suffer from the scars from it.

 

As far as blaming the OW/OM when the affair is over, well, it may not be "fair", but it's what happens most of the time. I too am a "BS", and so I've placed quite a bit of blame on the OM in my particular instance as well. And realize that if the marriage stands any chance of recovering, then the BS is going to have to forgive their wandering spouse in order to make that happen. But...there's no such requirement when it comes to the OM/OW. In order to reconcile, the couple has to sit down, work through what happened, why it happened, and what they can do to prevent it from occurring again. But that almost never happens with the OM/OW...so the likelihood of the BS in TRYING to forgive the OM/OW is very low.

 

My case in point...I've forgiven my wife for what happened. I understand what lead up to it, and how things got to where they did. I don't like it that it happened, but I'm confidant now that it won't happen again. In doing so, I've personally tried to take the time and look at this from the OM's viewpoint as well. He was, after all, my "friend". I can see why he felt the way he did about my wife...after all, that's how I feel about her, isn't it? At this point, the only blame I hold for him is the fact that he KNEW how he felt about my wife from the day he met her, and he KNEW that she wasn't happy with how things were. But, at the same time, he claimed to be my friend. As a friend, he should have come to me, and told me how she felt. He should have admitted (at least to himself) how he felt about my wife, known that she was married, and walked away. He did none of those things. So...do I still blame him for parts of what happened? Yes. Because he also betrayed a friendship on top of everything else. But do I hold him accountable for the whole thing...not anymore.

 

I can understand why Still's opening thread was bitter. And I think that everyone is entitled to their responses to any thread on LS...but we also need to recognize that while some of these threads may make us feel bad about our own lives occasionally, that (normally) these threads aren't AIMED at us. This thread wasn't aimed at you, or at Erika. It was aimed at the OW in Still's case...and it was meant for her to vent about it. Now, if you or Erika happened to be the OW that was with Still's husband....LOL.

 

So there's no reason for anyone to take any of this personally, or to get seriously offended. Especially not in this thread, where it was clearly not aimed at anyone here.

[I Survived]

I don't think just one person looses in these situations. Everyone involved looses something. I lost my self respect (and 10 pounds), my husband lost my trust, and she lost him. He used her, she used him -- it was all fantasy, an escape from an unhappy reality. It was easier for him to let her pay attention to him than for him to tell me that I wasn't. We, my husband and I, have become very brave and neither one of us holds back from asking the questions, or stating the feelings. Couples who don't communicate effectively are easy targets for infidelity. I don't think anyone sets out to have an affair, it's something that happens when two people share personal disappointments with their relationships. A person can get caught up in all of it. Quick story....after the affair, my husband received a gift from a woman who was a vendor. He brought it home and told me where it came from. My gut said, what's up with this, how does she know that he likes that team unless they have talked about it. I told him, that really makes me feel uncomfortable. Everytime I looked at it, it reminded me of his past activity. I know that i was being overly sensitive but that's how it will be for a little while. Not that he was involved with the vendor, but that's how it started with the OW. small talk, chit chat, sharing, "my wife doesn't understand me", "my husband comes home at the end of the day and lays on the couch" and it grows from there unless a person is careful. So he said throw it out, do whatever you want, I don't want it if it's going to cause you pain. So I listed in on eBAY and got over $50 for it. OMG what a hoot! It's funny now, but at the time it was serious and my husband and learned how to deal with the caos.

Thanks Owl - you really summed it up quite well. The orignal posting was on my part an opportunity to vent and the responses have been very educational. Love the comment, if you are still's Ow. I could only hope that the OW reads my posting. Doubt it though and that's okay. I've said my bit and made my piece with it. I can go for days now without thinking about that whole horrible time. It's been a tough 16 months (from the time he and she started to now) His internet/phone affair was six months, I found out May 2004 and it has taken all this time for me to heal. It will never completely go away. I have never been a jealous person, until now, and when I feel threatened by something he does, or says, I'll hold him close and tell him I love him and the feeling subsides. GOD I LOVE THAT MAN!

[Owl]

I can understand quite a bit about how you feel Still. My wife's internet/phone affair was only about two months, and it ended in May '04 when I found out about it. And our marriage was rocky as heck during several months that led up to the discovery, so you and I have been in a very similar circumstance.

 

It's tough to get past all the feelings generated by this kind of thing. And you stay on that "rollercoaster" a lot longer than you tend to think you will. I've got a feeling that the reason you're going through a lot of the tough times that you are right now is because of the timeframe. I THINK that this is during the time when you're husband's affair was ongoing right now, yes? Kind of a "one year anniversary" type thing? I've been having the same types of issues...we're at the point now where things began to develop between my wife and her OM...and that has been on my mind a lot lately. And there are a few anniversary things coming up yet that I'm NOT looking forward to...

 

Anyway, good luck friend. Hold on to the love, and the communication. Things will get better eventually...for both of us.

[I Survived]

Yes Owl - I have a lot of those "one year ago he was" moments. It is painful to remember those times when he was distant, unattentive, bothered by me. It made me feel so worthless and frustrated.

Last year on Valentine's Day, he bought me a card, a funny card, and he signed it with just his name. No love, or I love you, Just his name. I found out that he had sent her "love tokens" from a catalog UNCOMMON GOODS. they said good for one hug, good for one kiss, good for one roll in the hay. Everytime that catalog comes to house i go to that page and rip it out and throw it away.

This year, he has more than tried to make up for that time. I got two dozen beautiful white roses, dinner out, and a new car. We joked because I said, "I think you're overdoing it" but I love it just the same. All kidding aside, we were going to trade my car anyway.

I can't wait to get past May 3rd. That will be one year since I found out about her. That will be my turning point. I believe that i'll be able to put it behind me then because everything we've done since May 3, 2004, we've done to rebuild and strengthen and repair US. I wish you luck as well. All I know is that there is no better feeling than the feeling I have when I think about how much my husband and I have survived and grown in our love for each other. He's my best friend - again.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by one who knows

 

i am sure that from you the wifes point of view the whole betrayal etc and loss of your safety net you centre of your world must rock you to the core, and i really sympathise with that. but you know that you were loved enough for somebody to want to marry you, the basis of your relationship with him was not to boost his ego.

 

Wow, I learn so much here. I never thoughy of this before. My H told me some of the things that the OW said like she felt used, she never thought that HE would do that to HER and I thought what a bl88dy nerve she's got.

 

Now I suppose I can see why she would feel used. I have to say that I still hate the OW. I don't obsess about her, but I still hate her for the way she told me a pack of lies and for that fact that her marriage has remained intact while mine has been shredded (her H doesn't know). However, I don't BLAME her and I never really have. I don't think she tempted my H away from me. I think she was looking for something in her life and he was happy to fit the bill, thereby boosting his ego no end.

 

I do have a bit of sympathy now and then...but then I think tought sh*t - your choice!! I had no choice in it.

 

Sylvia

[newby]

owl, you misunderstand me,

i am not, nor have i ever been the other woman,

in my line of work though, i have had to counsel a few, quite alot in fact. they were not awful people OR intellectually challenged, they did not "get off" on the wifes pain, they were not "clueless".

i am simply defending somebody who in my experience is ALWAYS critisized and NEVER has anybody supporting her through this time. the mm is supporting the poor wife he betrayed, in fact everybody is supporting the poor wife. the wife is trying to understand the mm and save the m. the mm knows that he has the ow totally in love with him and his wife devastated but willing to try to work things out.

what does the OW have except ridicule from the rest of the world, cold regret from the mm and hatred and anger from the wife? mostly even friends and family dont support her either, or turn against her.

i am not saying i do not sympathise with the other two parties involved, i really, really do. you are right, nobody really wins.

but in still hurtings case it really does sound like although the pain was indescribable, her husband loves her, really loves her. i think that is true in the majority of these cases too.

i am just defending somebody who doesnt have anybody else to and really doesnt deserve the spurn from society that she gets.

sorry

[I Survived]

I'm not sure why i just thought of this but one of the things that would happen when my H and his little friend were getting it on was that he would always have his cell phone in his pocket on mute so I couldn't hear it ring. One of the most intense moments of anger I had after discovering his daliances was the time I told him (screamed at him, really) "YOU COULD BE STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME AND SHE WOULD CALL YOU" then he would go outside and call her back. OMG - how infuriatingly ballsy that was. I felt so invaded. That was such a crazy time. BUt it was times like that, the times he saw my anger, that made him realize the damage he had done. He needed to hear it so that he could understand what he had done without any regard to me and my feelings. When I finally broke through to him, he hit rock bottom, and I watch him sink. I was so afraid but it needed to happen. That was when the light went on and he would say, "oh my god what was i doing"?

[Owl]

We all have "things" like this that get stuck in our brain. One of the big ones for me is the day I went to the motel she was staying in, in an effort to convince her to think about what she was doing and not get on that plane that nite. I'd been there about 4 hours, and he(OM) called. Right away he knew that we had been talking, and that she was unsure about what she wanted to do. I couldn't bear to stand there in the room while they were talking, so I let myself out. As I looked back at her from the hall way, she told him "I know, I love you too.". She was looking at me when she said this, and she could see how much she just hurt me...so without thinking, she raised her hand and signed "I LOVE YOU" to me. (My family has always done this, since the kids were itty bitty guys). To this day, she doesn't remember doing it...she doesn't deny that she did, but she says she can't remember actually signing it.

 

I'll never forget the feeling of standing there listening to my wife tell another man "I love you" while at the same time she was saying it to me in sign language. But, at least I get to hear it from her every morning, and KNOW that she means it. For Valentine's day, she insisted that we buy each other a watch...something that will last, and that we can think about the other person and remember how much they love us just by looking at it.

[one who knows]

[qutoe]Now I suppose I can see why she would feel used. I have to say that I still hate the OW. I don't obsess about her, but I still hate her for the way she told me a pack of lies and for that fact that her marriage has remained intact while mine has been shredded (her H doesn't know).

 

I do have a bit of sympathy now and then...but then I think tought sh*t - your choice!! I had no choice in it.

 

Sylvia

 

well every situation is different, most of the OW i have encountered have been very lonely unmarried unattached people with little support structure. in this case i dont have as much sympathy but then i have still never walked a mile in the shoes.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by erika2610

First of all, StillHurtin.. I'm not jealoous at all. I'm the one that chose to end it because I was worth more than that. Second of all, you W's need to let go of your anger for the other woman. Yourr H's are the main ones to blame here. If it wasn't us it would've been somebody else. And nothing pisses me off more than people making general assumptions about us like 'oh she's just insecure, or unhappy, or she was ABANDONED by a parent'.

 

Erika, I think it's great you were the one to realize you were worth more than to stay w/ the MM. You are a very strong woman to end it w/ him. I know how hard it is to be the OW, I was an OW but the man wasn't married, yet. I chose to end it b/c I knew I deserved better than that, being second.

 

As for placing the blame on the OW, yes, I do place more blame on her than I do H. I know H was the one that made vows to me and not the OW, but she was the one who persued him first. I don't know if you have read my past post about the OW. When her and H had the A we were separated. We were having a hard time in our M. I made him quit drinking b/c he was an alchololic, I made him go get help w/ his anger issues, and somehow I felt he resented me for it. I told him if he didn't quit drinking, and get help w/ his anger, I was leaving the M. He did quit and did get help but a few months later he filed for a D. BUT he told the OW he was having second thoughts, that he thought he moved too fast and should of tried working harder on the M rather than filing. She knew he was having second thoughts b/c she told me. She said he walked around work all day depressed and said he didn't know what he really wanted. She said she would talk to him for me (b4 she admitted that they were having an A). She told me that she would tell H that I still loved him, didn't want the D. She told me she would try to talk him out of the D. And she did tell him b/c H told me they had discussed it. He told me what she said and it was everything I had told her. I don't know if they were actually sleeping 2gether at the time I had spoke to her but I know there was an emotional A going on. The OW was after H from the time he started working w/ her (about 3 years b4 the A). She didn't deny that b/c I called her on it. She was the one that made the first move even though she knew he was married and had children. She was even trying to become my friend. Everytime I went into work to see H she would run over to talk to me. She even hugged me one time when she came over to say hello. She clouded H's judgement. He didn't know what he wanted, the D or her. If she was any decent person she would of told H until he knew what he wanted she wasn't going to persue a relationship w/ him. This is why I place a lot of the blame on her.

[erika2610]

But what you women need to realize, is that we don't set out to nab your H's. We don't set out to wreck your lives. As in my situation, I worked wit my MM. He pursued me for over a year, and I wouldn't do anything cuz I knew he was married. The more we worked together, my feelings just grew, until 1 day I just couldn't fight it anymore. Did I set out to wreck his household? No. Did I start out to hurt his wife? No. It was all about my feelings. I fell hard for him. I felt bad for his wife. I truly did. But I just couldn't end it. He made me feel special.. loved. Everyone turned on me.. even my mother, but I didn't care. I really believed his lies. He was even such a jerk that his wife came into work one day to get his car keys, and he had me give them to her. It just sucks that the OW are always looked at as bad people. I am not a bad person by ANY means. I am not unhappy.. miserable, whatever you wanna call us. Just somebody who fell for the wrong person..

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by erika2610

But what you women need to realize, is that we don't set out to nab your H's. We don't set out to wreck your lives. As in my situation, I worked wit my MM. He pursued me for over a year, and I wouldn't do anything cuz I knew he was married. The more we worked together, my feelings just grew, until 1 day I just couldn't fight it anymore. Did I set out to wreck his household? No. Did I start out to hurt his wife? No. It was all about my feelings. I fell hard for him. I felt bad for his wife. I truly did. But I just couldn't end it. He made me feel special.. loved. Everyone turned on me.. even my mother, but I didn't care. I really believed his lies. He was even such a jerk that his wife came into work one day to get his car keys, and he had me give them to her. It just sucks that the OW are always looked at as bad people. I am not a bad person by ANY means. I am not unhappy.. miserable, whatever you wanna call us. Just somebody who fell for the wrong person..

Erika, I don't think you are a bad person, you made a mistake and you learned from it. See, this is where the MM is totally wrong, and a bad person, for persuing the OW. HE was the one that made the first moves, ect. I blame the OW when SHE is the one that is persuing, like the OW in my H's sistuation. I have been persued by MM myself but as soon as I found out they were M I told them no. I even slapped one guy across the face when I found out he was a MM (a friend told me, she knew him). I have never had an A w/ a MM, emotional or physical. I have to much resepect for a M to do that. Yes, I was the OW to a man who was in a CR but I didn't know how committed they were until he finally told me. BUT he was sleeping w/ OW so I thought it must not be that serious. So I was wrong for doing that. Once I moved away to college he was married to her less than a year later (he got her pregnant, they are now D). Anyhow, the more I read post here I realize how badly MM hurt the OW. I honestly can say, I don't think when my H broke up w/ the OW she was hurt. I am sure a part of her was, but the week H broke up w/ her she was dating another co-worker! I don't think she could of been in love w/ H, unless this new guy was just a rebound for her. They are still 2gether almost 2 years later. The OW in my situation flat out told me that she didn't care if a man was married or not. She told me that if she wants something, she is going to go after it. She said she can't walk into a store w/o some woman glaring at her thinking she took their H away from them. She said she has had other A's w/ MM also. She doesn't care. She flat out told me she doesn't care. As long as she gets what she wants she doesn't care who she hurts in the end. And even after H and I were back together (yet still separated) she called his house when me and our children were there. I answered the phone and she acted like nothing was wrong, that nothing ever happened. She called to talk to H about a former co-worker being in the hospital. I told her it was just an excuse to call, he could of heard it from someone else at work. Me and this OW had a lot of little chats and all along she was screwing my H when she said she was going to try to get us back 2gether. I think she is a bad person. She has been married three times, her last H she was only w/ 8 months b4 she started screwing my H. Everyone that knows her says that "one d!ck isn't good enough for her." I don't know if she was screwing around on H when they were 2gether but I do know one guy was over at her place one day after golf. Her H and I talked a lot and he asked me if my H had a car b/c he seen a car at her house. I told him that she didn't. He said there was golf bags in the back of the car. Later came to find out it was another guy visiting her. And she had told me that she was going to have this guy over for lunch one day. So I am sure she was screwing him a long w/ H.

[newby/one who knows]

look i just have to explain i went under cover as i didnt think what i said would be taken seriously otherwise.

 

I have never had an A w/ a MM, emotional or physical. I have to much resepect for a M to do that. Yes, I was the OW to a man who was in a CR but I didn't know how committed they were until he finally told me. BUT he was sleeping w/ OW so I thought it must not be that serious.

QUOTE

still hurtin

 

in alot of cases and certainly in my case i didnt think their relationship was serious (anymore) either. with the intensity that he pursued me and the way he talked about the marriage being a temporary live in arrangement maybe i was a fool to believe him but it is hard to believe that somebody has a serious and still living marriage when they are pursuing you to that extent. also i would usually have made sure this really was the case first. the fact was that i was paraletically drunk the first time and to this day cant remember what actually happened, but remember him trying it on earlier and me shoving him, so cannot imagine being compus mentus at the time of it. then afterwards as i was already in a bad state i really wanted to believe his words when he said this was amazing the feelings he felt etc etc. i think actually that is how he felt when it first began but with the good feelings provided by the OW the mm generally feel less desperate and begin to see that they dont actually hate their wives and want out of the marriage and that their wives dont hate them either. by this time the OW begin to get confused and have the niggling doubt that they are being lied to and then they need the mm to confirm for them that it wasnt all a lie, they havent just been used. they begin to feel guilty as they realise that probably the wives were unaware that there even was a huge problem with the marriage and they too have been decieved, they feel guiltier still that they actually want the mm by this time despite knowing that this would hurt the wife. they feel bad about themselves for being in the situation and the only thing that gives them comfort are the loving (and fake) words that the mm gives them. they hang on. the mm gets worried they want to be able to extracate themselves from the situation with the minimum of fuss. they say nice things to the ow to keep her happy, sometimes they think well i could just keep it going a bit longer. the ow feels ever more hopeful, he is going to leave when the time is right, he is doing a good thing he doesnt want to hurt his family. its a vicious cycle full of confusion. if the mm would just be honest it would make it a whole lot easier. the ow could just move on. but the more it goes on the more confused she feels, is he lying? is he really wanting to get rid of me? is he using me? does he wish he had never met me? am i getting the blame for this when i was fed the lies that got me here?

still hurtin and still hurting i think it is not just your names that have similarities

the ow in your cases seem to be the exception rather than the norm, as do your husbands, it sounds like they came to there senses pretty quick and have been honest with you and wanted to get past this and heal the pain they caused,

actually i dont BLAME the mm either, it is just a terrible consequence of somebodies vunerability. in my case i too was extremely vunerable, alot of ow say they werent vunerable to begin with but have become increasingly so because of the situation, whatever. i dont think most ow get into this situation fully aware of the facts.

[IMHO]

I have read through a number of the posts in this thread and others and feel the need to point out to some of you who continue to place the lion's share of the blame on the OWs shoulder (or other body parts) the pitfalls you are headed for.

 

Several of you have all but indicated that your WS was a victim...HE was pursued, SHE wouldn't give up...blah, blah, blah. How are you planning on moving on and repariing your relationship if you continue to see the OW as holding more of the blame? One of the Stills (I don't remember which one) made the statement somewhere that it wasn't so much that you didin't trust your H but didn't trust the women around him. Well, not to be too cruel but DUH! If you see him as, in part, a victim, how will you ever be able to trust again? There is NO way that YOU can know every possible person that he will come in contact with. By placing the blame on the OTHERS around him how will you be able to heal? It shouldn't matter if an OW approaches him totally naked HE needs to be responsible enough to keep his pants zipped and Mr. Happy, happy at home. To say that HE strayed because someone pursued him and encouraged him to stay away is a cop out. Why HE strayed is immaterial. The bottom line is that HE did. Yes, it's a two way street and the OW played a role but HE couldn't keep his pants up and keep HIS vow to you and unless he was raped by the OW you need to deal with HIS infidelity on something other than a "she pursued" him level or you will never be able to trust again. By blaming her, you are not effectively dealing with the situation. And as I said, it's not trusting him that's your problem, it's the millions of others out there. HE was NOT a victim and until you completely accept that you will have trouble letting HIM out of your sight with any other women. I've seen that in your posts......

 

Good luck but do your marriage the justice that it deserves and deal with the INFIDELITY and stop blaming the third party!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by erika2610

But what you women need to realize, is that we don't set out to nab your H's. We don't set out to wreck your lives. As in my situation, I worked wit my MM. He pursued me for over a year, and I wouldn't do anything cuz I knew he was married. The more we worked together, my feelings just grew, until 1 day I just couldn't fight it anymore. Did I set out to wreck his household? No. Did I start out to hurt his wife? No. It was all about my feelings. I fell hard for him. I felt bad for his wife. I truly did. But I just couldn't end it. He made me feel special.. loved. Everyone turned on me.. even my mother, but I didn't care. I really believed his lies. He was even such a jerk that his wife came into work one day to get his car keys, and he had me give them to her. It just sucks that the OW are always looked at as bad people. I am not a bad person by ANY means. I am not unhappy.. miserable, whatever you wanna call us. Just somebody who fell for the wrong person..

 

Erika,

 

I do have sympathy for some OW, especially in situations where the H is just a serial affair-seeker and there are no real feelings on his part. I have said to my H over and over that I don't blame the OW - I blame him. Sure she was disloyal to her H and betrayed him but that's not my concern. My hatred from the OW comes from the bolshy way she spoke to me afterwards and the fact that she was a very efficient liar. But then again, what would I expect. I am still agnry about the fact that I have been to hell and back while her household is presumably still harmonious. My anger is not at her for 'stealing my husband' (she didn't - he was a more then willing participant) or for hurting me (I did not figure at all in her mind - why would I?).

 

I have read the OW board from time to time and believe me,I have a lot of sympathy for some of them there.

 

Syl

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by IMHO

I have read through a number of the posts in this thread and others and feel the need to point out to some of you who continue to place the lion's share of the blame on the OWs shoulder (or other body parts) the pitfalls you are headed for.

 

Several of you have all but indicated that your WS was a victim...HE was pursued, SHE wouldn't give up...blah, blah, blah. How are you planning on moving on and repariing your relationship if you continue to see the OW as holding more of the blame? One of the Stills (I don't remember which one) made the statement somewhere that it wasn't so much that you didin't trust your H but didn't trust the women around him. Well, not to be too cruel but DUH! If you see him as, in part, a victim, how will you ever be able to trust again? There is NO way that YOU can know every possible person that he will come in contact with. By placing the blame on the OTHERS around him how will you be able to heal? It shouldn't matter if an OW approaches him totally naked HE needs to be responsible enough to keep his pants zipped and Mr. Happy, happy at home. To say that HE strayed because someone pursued him and encouraged him to stay away is a cop out. Why HE strayed is immaterial. The bottom line is that HE did. Yes, it's a two way street and the OW played a role but HE couldn't keep his pants up and keep HIS vow to you and unless he was raped by the OW you need to deal with HIS infidelity on something other than a "she pursued" him level or you will never be able to trust again. By blaming her, you are not effectively dealing with the situation. And as I said, it's not trusting him that's your problem, it's the millions of others out there. HE was NOT a victim and until you completely accept that you will have trouble letting HIM out of your sight with any other women. I've seen that in your posts......

 

Good luck but do your marriage the justice that it deserves and deal with the INFIDELITY and stop blaming the third party!

I agree, I do blame both parties, I guess I blame the OW more b/c of the situation I posted in this thread. And your right, H could of kept his pants on. He also could of told her until he knew what he wanted to do w/ his M he wasn't going to have a relationship w/ her either. I guess what ticked me off is that she flat out told me that I shouldn't be mad at her b/c H was the one who started it. I knew that was wrong, and I told her that it wasn't true, she was after him since day one. She didn't say a word, she knew I was right. I also knew I was right b/c ppl told me that she was flirting w/ him all the time, even b4 the A. I couldn't stand this woman even years b4 the A b/c I seen how she acted, not only towards H but to all the MM that she worked w/. Maybe I have a anger, and jealousy towards the OW b/c she had what it took to take him from me. I am not saying it's b/c she is such a hottie and was able to take her from me b/c I know for a fact it had nothing to do w/ her looks. I heard from several ppl (friends would tell me what other ppl would say, ect) that H was nuts. They couldn't understand how he could leave me for her, that I was so much prettier than her. Yes, I am more attractive than her, and H has told me that several times and he told me it wasn't her looks that made him attracted to her, it was her personality and the way she paid attention to him. Of course she paid attention to him. She didn't know what H was like outside of the work scene. She didn't share children w/ him, she didn't share finances w/ him, she didn't share money problems, raising children, ect. No, I didn't pay attention to H as much as she did. At the end of the day I was exhausted from working 12 hours a day caring for other ppl's children. The last thing I wanted was sex! I am not saying we didn't have sex, we did at least twice a week so it wasn't like he wasn't getting any. I know M couples who have sex maybe once or twice a month and they didn't have an A. H didn't even want to try to work on the M at the point where the OW showed interest in him. I am pretty sure she knew there was M problems between us and thought that was a green light to show her feelings and tell H how she felt about him. I blame them both. And I KNOW I need to get past this A but it hurts like he!! to know that my H has been w/ another person since we have been M. I have been faithful since day one of meeting him (well, not exactly faithful, I was dating another guy when I met H but broke it off w/ him when H and I started dating seriously, but I never slept w/ this guy since the day I met H). I guess that is what bothers me the most. I am jealous of the OW. She was the one that had something H wanted and he risked our M for what she had. And I do blame H for the A b/c if HE would of been the one to treat me right I wouldn't of been such a B!TCH and treated him better. He treated the OW good b/c he didn't live w/ her, didn't share things a M couple share. They didn't have the stress ect. It was all fun for them. Of course A's are fun, you can have all the wild, fun sex w/o the responsibilties of being married. Also, if the woman of the guy I was sleeping w/ hates me she has every right to and I don't blame her for hating me, I was sleeping w/ her man. I have every right to be disliked by her and I accept that.