My boyfriends alternative to a wedding

[dragon_fly_7]

OP, even if he were to propose (through pressure) and make the wedding arrangements, would you still accept that?

 

Would you be able to live with the fact that it was only YOU that had to bring up the marriage talk, question him why he won't marry you and practically beg for a ceremony, that it was you who made the decision and you proposing to yourself? That really sounds very depressing. It's so sad to hear a woman begging a man like that and struggling to get a proposal. That's like buying love by paying someone money and then lying to everyone that love has finally happened to you but no one knows the real story behind it.

 

Would you live through that he never (and never will) saw you as marriage-material and would have never propose on his own will without you even having to remind him nor frequently dropping hints???

 

Overall, this relationship is messed up. If you don't want this OP, walk away. This isn't something you can compromise on. You're losing your dignity and self-esteem by having those conversations with a man, by begging like that.

 

BTW if the only reason you want marriage (also the only reason you provide when a man ask you why you want it) is because ''Every girl dreams of getting married, its a milestone in any girls life'', I would suggest you to do a further research on marriage and its purpose.

Edited June 29, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[Eggplant]

Wow. You just said a mouthful right there. I read this as "Sure this is offensive, so what's the big deal?" You might as well say to me "Sure lots of people use the "N" word, but black people sort of deserve it, so what's your point..." Think on that for a moment before you get defensive (usually the reaction of people who say stuff like this).

 

The comment makes it clear that the very pretense of marriage is the idea that men are somehow incapable of keeping their promises. So in some distant past generation we started creating ceremonies and laws to make sure they didn't run away from their obligations. And men have not changed in the past few millennia.

 

 

This is absolutely half of why and the other half was that the woman should be faithful to her husband alone and be his slave.

 

But it completely ignores the fact that for every consensual heterosexual act, there is a woman freely involved. Think about that. Just sit on it for a moment.

 

If a woman were to truly believe this about the man she is about to marry, why the hell would she marry him? Just think on that.

 

 

This is a topic I'm fascinated by. Ideally, you would only enter in a relationship with somebody whom you trusted. And yet people of both genders often go in giving their all and get taken for a ride.

 

And, I ask that you think and reflect deeply about how many horrible things that comment says about us as humans:

 

1. Men are dishonorable at their core and we need threats/contracts to keep us honest in our most intimate relationships. But women are fine and generally virtuous (the stats show otherwise).

 

 

No, again, I think the issue is that (most) humans are dishonorable at their core. Women are not fine and generally virtuous, although in a marriage, they often are the ones who give their body first and have children and then are SOL if the man then leaves them. It's not a symmetric issue. Not that they wouldn't be *******s themselves always, but they're in a more vulnerable position.

 

2. Women are not capable of making good decisions. They are so feeble in the "judging character" department that we need to have this system wide contract to protect them from their own ineptitude. (I agree with Feminists who claim that this attitude is sexist and offensive. And they must then agree that the very institution that embodies this attitude is equally offensive and sexist - and many feminists do!)

 

 

People in love make terrible decisions and are blinded. For life-decisions like marriage and children, let's cut the BS. You need a system.

 

3. Taking time to get to know someone, and his/her family, before making a commitment is too much of a bother. This life long intimate partnership that will impact your lives, parent's and children's lives needs to be locked into by government contract - as quickly as the more strident partner dictates.

 

 

 

What? No -- where did you get that?

 

4. Finally, I have seen stats posted here (Cannot find them) that show that the overwhelming majority of marriage proposals are actually initiated by women. Through subtle threats of cheating, or moving on, or family pressure, or biological clock pressures, they push for marriage much more often than previously thought. Add to that the fact that over 70% of divorces are initiated by women (this stat is fairly well known and easy to find) - taken together, these stats tell a very interesting story that does not paint women in a good light. Forget about words, pop culture, and past ignorance - look at the behaviors and outcomes. They speak volumes.

 

 

I don't know what your point is here. If you're trying to say men are better than women, we all are descended from the same antecedents; we have the same genes.

 

So t just because some horrible thing is commonplace does not make it any less offensive. And just because some horrible system wide abuse is experienced by one group does not make it okay because the other group benefits from it. Isn't that sort of one of the indicators of privilege? Abuse does not magically disappear because one group says "prove it" or "no it doesn't"

 

 

Marriage is truly, by just about any measure, a horrific construct and it ultimately damages the lives of millions of children, men, and women - not to mention the elderly parents and others affected by divorce.

 

 

Which is it that destroys lives: marriage or divorce?

 

I am not sure how this is okay with so many people.. Make what you will of all of this, but there is no way, no angle, no perspective I can conjure that paints any nice picture - taken on the whole. (of course every individual story is different) of modern marriage.

 

We will not likely revise marriage as a society. More likely is that more and more men will refuse to get married and women will slowly catch on.

 

I have to thank Feminism for this. This is a good thing.

Women are not property to be sold off by marriage contracts, and neither are men.

 

 

see bold responses

[ja123]

I just feel like withholding sex ... Would that work?

 

 

 

Hmmmm You could read Lysistrata by Aristophanes to find out!!!

[dragon_fly_7]

OP are you still there?

 

As a woman, I gotta agree that withholding sex or plotting things to get a man to propose is foolish. Do you even want to marry a man you had to force or convince to propose to you??

 

Getting proposed to should never be something you have to beg or pressure a man into doing it. This isn't sales that you have to throw lines to get a client to buy you a product. This is something where both should feel the same and the man will do it on his own without second thoughts, no doubts, no using lines about prehistoric times and trying to talk you out of it, no nothing. He would simply do it.

 

I have a feeling this relationship is going to end soon and maybe he might be already having thought about breaking up for a while. Don't be surprise if he breaks up.