borneric Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 We are again in a DR living 7 hours driving distance apart. She lives in a nearby country now. Read my other threads if you want the background story. One week ago she went to a expat event alone on a friday night with drinks, dj and networking at a central hotel lounge. I felt uncomfortable but played it cool, it could actually be a good networking opportunity for her because she is new to the city. We talked one time during the night and then I called her around 11pm and she was in the car heading home(she only had one champagne glass.) At 11:45 pm she sent me a location through viber and she was home we then talked and said goodnight. The next day, Saturday, she calls me in the afternoon crying her eyes out, she was a mess and she said she had something she hadn't been 100% honest about..my heart started to pump 150 beats. She tells me that on friday, while heading in to the city, she receives a text from her boss saying "come to the office". She turns around the car and drives back 20 min to find out that the boss sent it wrongly, it was meant to another employee. She cries and says that she felt like a slave to her boss and says sorry that she wasn't honest about it and thats why she arrived late to the city.(worth to mention is that she does have a strained relationship with her female boss and has felt used and controlled by her) However, I never asked her why she arrived late and she never lied about it. I just said on friday when we talk in the afternoon: I thought you were going to arrive at 4 pm? After this call my stomach flipped; My feeling was that her emotional state/expression was not in line what had actually happened..I start having worries that she admitted about having to drive back to feel better because of something that happened on friday night... I asked her straight out and she denied it. This is exactly what I asked her/quote: Did something happen on friday night. She asks back: What do you mean if something happened? I ask again: Did something inappropriate happen on friday night? She asks back: What do you mean with something inappropriate? I ask again: I mean, did something inappropriate happen, something sexual or kissing in-between you and another man? She then answers: No, nothing I ask one last time: So, nothing happened? She answers: No, nothing happened. On Monday she receives a message on the expat site from a man that she meet on Friday (she did tell me about this and she said they talked for 1,5 hour during the event but that there were people all around) He wrote quote: It was very nice to meet you on friday night:) I hope everything works out with your new accommodation and work. Kind regards, Peter So, I started thinking even more that something happened and she doesn't want to tell me...because the way she was crying on Saturday I perceived as guilt crying not a crying of being hurt. She also told me she woke up crying on Saturday morning....She says it was all because the way she was treated by her boss on Friday. I went down there to meet her this weekend and asked her again, and she swears to God that nothing happened that she just talked to people and networked. She said that I need to stop being suspicious of her and that I need to trust her. Whats your thoughts? Am I way out there or do I have a reason to suspect cheating or inappropriate behavior? Thanks, Eric Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) She gave you an answer you have no way of proving so and unless she's ever given you a reason not to trust her previously I suggest you leave this alone because all you will do with pushing is make her realize you don't trust her and that could end up in white lies just so she doesn't have to deal with your insecuritys. What I mean by white lies is if something ever did happen she wouldn't be able to be honest because she knows you would get obsessive like a man hit on her but she did nothing about it but for eg would never tell you knowing you wouldn't be able to handle it, you dont want that right? Edited June 25, 2014 by Omei 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) Honestly? I think she has a guilty conscience about something. Her reaction seems extreme considering the circumstances, and the fact you never asked her why she arrived late yet she offers up some info about her boss sending her a mis-directed text appears strange to me. Something seems off. But as the other poster said, you can't really do much but take her word that nothing happened. Stay alert to any other odd behaviour. Edited June 25, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Trust your gut feeling. You've most likely received 'signals' that no one on the internet can gauge; communcation isn't just made of words, you know. And with that reaction on the phone... yes, I'm betting fifty bucks that she cheated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 maybe the boss tried something on her......the crying seems to be centered around the boss and the way he treats her she said she was a "slave" to her boss inciting he is taking advantage of her she is feelkign pressured as seh woudl tun around and drive back........but yet the message wasnt meant for her and seh is a still slave to her boss? seems odd.......maybe she doesnt want to tell you because this is her job we are talking about and she is between a rock adn a hard place tring to network sounds like her job is important to her.......its a possible scenario....the boss comment twigged me.....tingling a bit on it....seems sus..........just a thought....start a coversation when she is relaxed about her boss adn how she is feeling notice her shoulders where they go up to when you bring him up, watch her eyes do they slide......or are they looking directly in yours as she explains how she feels wanting you to understand...if they slide she doesnt want you to understand what is happening...go fom there.........be comforting let her feel she can open up to you.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) maybe the boss tried something on her......the crying is centered around the boss and the way he treats her she said she was a "slave" to her boss inciting he is taking advantage of her maybe more ways than one, she is feeling pressured as she would turn around and drive back........but yet the message wasnt meant for her and she is a still slave to her boss? seems odd...she stilled you to gather herself when she made you repeat yourself three times if anything happened.....i have done this myself to collect myself my thoughts and pray fro a multiple to step in when i cant handle something or facing soemthing.....too hard so ill get the person to repeat like i didnt hear or didnt understand while i try to get back my composure i heard and understood perfectly, i am working out a way to not cause any bad feelings or trouble......so i buy time....and hope a multiple of me can deal with it.....or i come up with soemthing that deals with the situation without....problems arising or me getting soemone else in trouble due to them having confidence in me.... etc........... or when i am hurt and i have something that needs to remain hidden.......... maybe she doesnt want to tell you because this is her job we are talking about and she is between a rock and a hard place...its a possible scenario....the boss comment twigged me.....tingling a bit on it....seems sus..........just a thought....start a coversation when she is relaxed about her boss and how she is feeling notice he shoulders where they go up to when you brign him up, watch her eyes do they slide......or are they looking directly in yours as she explains how she feels wanting you to understand...if they slide she doesnt want you to understand what is happening do ask her how he is her making her feel like slave.....see if she asks you to repeat the question...how often does she ask you to repeat and when does she feel the need to have composure and a wall up.......go from there.........be comforting let her feel she can open up to you.......deb Edited June 25, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author borneric Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks for your thoughts.. She cheated with her ex-lover last fall while we were LDR..I found out this march. Before that I trusted her 100%. However, its taking time to get back the same level of trust. I see your point on the white lies..interesting. I will keep that in mind. Great point. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I think her boss is making her crazy & you aren't helping. The fact that she has to electronically confirm her location to you is controlling. She's a grown women who can arrive at parties whenever she likes & talk to whomever she pleases. The fact that she made an expat friend who is polite isn't an indication that she did anything other than talk. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author borneric Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 Trust your gut feeling. You've most likely received 'signals' that no one on the internet can gauge; communcation isn't just made of words, you know. And with that reaction on the phone... yes, I'm betting fifty bucks that she cheated. Nolimit, I would like to discuss nonverbal clues that I picked up. You brought up an interesting point. Do you have an email? Regards, Eric Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Well, bells are going off, but you have no proof. So, you need to keep your eyes open and watch. The most important thing for you to do is going to be the hardest. Stop asking her if something happened. That is putting her on her guard and if anything is going on, the only thing you're doing is teaching her how to hide it better. You're keeping her on her guard. So, you need to act clueless. The more she thinks you're clueless, the more relaxed she gets and THAT'S when she's going to make a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 About the text, it seems like he's interested and is letting her now through that little message. It doesn't seem like anything happened with this specific guy. I wonder why she was so emotional about the boss calling her in. It seems weird. I think something is off about that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I think her boss is making her crazy & you aren't helping. The fact that she has to electronically confirm her location to you is controlling. She's a grown women who can arrive at parties whenever she likes & talk to whomever she pleases. The fact that she made an expat friend who is polite isn't an indication that she did anything other than talk. For some reason, I missed this the first time I read the post. OP, can you clarify....is this something you expect her to do? If so, why? How do you react when she doesn't? Link to post Share on other sites
WhiskeyJack Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 No one here can know for sure if she cheated on you. I'm swaying towards the "She didn't, it's her boss" side. Link to post Share on other sites
georgecostanza Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 I think her boss is making her crazy & you aren't helping. The fact that she has to electronically confirm her location to you is controlling. She's a grown women who can arrive at parties whenever she likes & talk to whomever she pleases. The fact that she made an expat friend who is polite isn't an indication that she did anything other than talk. My thoughts exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocksock Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Thanks for your thoughts.. She cheated with her ex-lover last fall while we were LDR..I found out this march. Before that I trusted her 100%. However, its taking time to get back the same level of trust. Now we know why you're so paranoid and controlling. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Nolimit, I would like to discuss nonverbal clues that I picked up. You brought up an interesting point. Do you have an email? Regards, Eric I do, but I don't want to have it posted in the internet where everyone can see to be honest... made a secondary one real quick; it's [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
Author borneric Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 NOlimit, I sent an email to you. regards, Eric Link to post Share on other sites
firmness Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 I disagree that you are overbearing, controlling or inappropriate. I also think that anyone who says "She is a woman and can do whatever she likes" is basically telling you that your woman is not trustworthy. This has girl code written all over it. It is a silly thing of me to say, but what is worse - those who do this weirdness or me for pointing it out. The bottom line is that you do not feel secure in this relationship and you know it is going to end eventually. You are trying to put your finger on what is going wrong because you get conflicting messages from the women in your life "let her be" "trust her" "women are not your property" etc. These are all true enough, but we all need partners who make us feel safe, like they are willing to be careful with our feelings, like we matter. In a LDR, all of this is amped up considerably because there is no daily body language and other signs to make it all feel right. Your woman is not being 100% straight with you. That much is abundantly clear. If you did not have the feelings you have, what would you say to someone else if he posted the very same thing? I am careful to say things like this, but you must let her go. Move on. This is going to end badly for you. Too many red flags in all of this. She did not necessarily cheat, but if you feel this way it is either you (in which case you are not ready for this relationship) or it is her (in which case she is not a fit for you). Either way, you should prepare yourself for the inevitable. One more note: Some women test their man's level of comfort with them being around other men. It is the most common of all tests. The reasons can be many, but they are all bad. Women who do this are not worth your time any more than a player is not worth a woman's time (unless that is what she is looking for). The only response to this sort of thing is to walk away. A good, intelligent, quality woman would never make you feel this way. You would be planning your future together at this point, not freaking out about her honesty. Listen to your instincts on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
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