confession worsen?

[Patna]

Yesterday evening I confessed to my hubby I still have feelings for exMM. It was 6 months ago since I confessed to hubby about my affair. He was shocked because he thought I no longer love exMM. He was very upset and said my affair made him doubt himself and made him feel inadequate. It made me wonder if all the sacrifices he made was worth it. I'm feeling so down, I really don't know what to do. I confessed because I always felt my feelings for exMM stood in our way of R because I got to hide my feelings and always put up a shield in front of my husband. I know confessing would hurt him, but I also know if I don't confess, our marriage would be hurt. Am I wrong in confessing to him?

[Red123]

I think you did the right thing. If you truly want to R with your H it is best to be honest with him and yourself about your feelings. It is deep pain when the one you love has feelings for another but your honesty should indicate that you are wanting your H more. I hope in time he sees that. We never do at first, it takes time to process these things. Now it's what you do with those feelings that will be important to your H. IMO only, I'm only commenting from my own experience as a BS. I wish you well.

[angelcake]

Yes, I think you are wrong to tell him. You confessed your affair and hurt him tremendously, I'm sure. Telling him you still have those feelings for ExMM only hurts him more.

 

I think those are feelings that you should work on changing from within;you are hurting from within and you dumped it on your husband.

 

If I were him, you would be long gone. You should realize you are lucky he is still around.

[bigman1]

No, you were not wrong. This is reality that your lying and cheating has brought to your lives. Many face the same struggle, so you are not alone. you can work thru it. I will confess that if I were your husband I would have left you on dday. Since he decided to stay, this is part of the process.

 

As for you, think about this. OM has been, presumably, no contact with you for 6 months. You didn't betray him and still, he was able to go 6 months without you. Meanwhile, you tried to emotionally murder your husband, caused him to doubt himself, something that was probably never possible until he let you into his life, and basically ruined his life and still he is trying to maintain contact and a life with you even though it hurts him more than you can imagine. You can choose to romanticize your feelings for the guy that you played house and fooled around with or you can recognize that *****ing and sneaking around do not make a real relationship, but hard work and commitment do. Your husband is real, your lover is false. Still, why torture your husband anymore? Just tell him that in the end he is better off without you and the sooner he realizes that the better. You are broken and he needs to accept that because in the end, you are only going to bring misery to his life. On the other hand, fix you sh#t and do the work.

 

As much antipathy as I feel for cheaters, if your husband still wants you, then the least I can do is tell you that you can make it.

[jwi71]

Yesterday evening I confessed to my hubby I still have feelings for exMM.

 

That was VERY brave.

And almost impossibly HARD.

Good job on breaking through that barrier - fear so often constrains us.

 

It was 6 months ago since I confessed to hubby about my affair. He was shocked because he thought I no longer love exMM. He was very upset and said my affair made him doubt himself and made him feel inadequate. It made me wonder if all the sacrifices he made was worth it.

 

Well, what other reaction could he have had?

That IS going to hurt and cause ANY human pain and self doubt.

And, depending on your H, he may or may not recover.

 

I would couch this in the following light:

 

"What I confessed to you (your H) I know was painful. I know it had to hurt - I know it had to cause you to doubt you, your value to me, to our M, to yourself. I felt I needed to tell you that despite all that because I want to be completely open and honest. To hasten our R, not hinder it. In that vein, I hope you understand - I'm trying to reconnect with you by opening up, by sharing once private thoughts. No more lies and deceit and hurt - I hope you can understand my motivation and what I hope to achieve. I want us to R and our M to continue"

 

Something like that.

Of course - it means NO MORE lies and deceit and all that jazz. Expect it to be bumpy until you BOTH figure it out - how to be honest and how to NOT mask cruelty in the mask of honesty.

 

I'm feeling so down, I really don't know what to do. I confessed because I always felt my feelings for exMM stood in our way of R because I got to hide my feelings and always put up a shield in front of my husband. I know confessing would hurt him, but I also know if I don't confess, our marriage would be hurt. Am I wrong in confessing to him?

 

Recover ain't easy. Only the brave try.

I think this is a fantastic attempt and, really, all you can do is watch and wait. Your H either comes around some or pulls away more. You'll have to adjust as you both stumble through it.

 

Is it wrong? No. Being open and honest (vulnerable really) is a GOOD thing - its the circumstance surrounding this that is bad. Honesty isn't the problem here - hard to have an honest A is it not? The problem is the history of lies (to yourself and H) and deceit (to yourself and others).

 

Maybe your M survives. Maybe it does not. But HONESTY didn't end it - deception and betrayal did (if it does).

 

FWIW - I think its a step in the right direction.

 

Keep in mind - 6 months is NOTHING. This will take YEARS to put behind you two. Don;t worry so much about the missteps are "the recovery roller-coaster (from hell)" - what matters is a largely consistent improvement - even if it seems slight.

 

And telling this IS an improvement.

[carhill]

Am I wrong in confessing to him?

 

IMO, transparency is healthy. It's also healthy to have a team plan to address such transparencies as they occur. Since he can never know what's in your mind, or vice-versa, you rely on communication and trust to form those plans.

 

What's your plan?

[waterwoman]

No, you weren't wrong. Of course he was upset as he was probably hoping you had stopped caring for your ex-lover. Hoping for it but not, if he really thought about it carefully, expecting it. You don't fall out of love overnight.

 

I had to come to that realisation with my H myself - we were great together to start with, it all seemed wonderful, lots of HB, lots of affection, lots of closeness. It was as if we had escaped from some terrible accident by the skin of our teeth and we were celebrating life with all we had. But... once the euphoria and relief wore off a little I began to realise that he still cared about her - she was still in his head. He didn't deny it, that stung, but at least he was honest. He never said he loved her more than me, or that he didn't love me, but I needed him not to love her. I wish that hadn't been the case because jealousy is a poisonous emotion but that can't be helped.

 

What to do now? Be honest with him but be loving, be as loving as you can. Make sure he knows you value and admire him. That no matter what your feelings for your ex-lover you feel more for your H. That more than anything you want to stay with him, to reconcile, to spend the rest of your days with him and that you regret the affair because of the hurt it caused. If you can't do this, please stop the pretence and tell him you want a divorce. Don't waste your, or his, time and energy.

[Friskyone4u]

Instead of doing everything humanly possible to R and heal with you H you are hanging on to the excitement of your illicit relationship. Your H will never be as exciting as sneaking around, lying, and hoping not to get caught.what you are doing is mentally like a criminal keeping trophies of their crimes.

Instead of romanticizing about you AP, why don't you accept that you acted horribly and humiliated your husband and if I were him Id get you into therapy and if you want to continue your mourning your AP , I'd tell you to get lost and do it without me.

The problem with these forums is you will come on here and get all sorts of understanding and sympathy which only encourages your behavior and justifies it in your mind. I assume you are in NC with this person

Get to IC and either get over it or divorce your husband and chase your MM

[gettingstronger]

I think feeling badly about a difficult situation is pretty normal-you both feel badly about your actions-BUT you can feel good about being honest, about doing right and about trying to be a better person day than you were yesterday-I mean, really, what more can we ask of ourselves than that?

[Owl]

I too think you did the right thing.

 

Your husband is now able to decide for himself what he wants to do from here, in light of the full truth and knowledge that you shared with him.

 

And...you are in the same position as well.

 

What do you plan to DO from here? What's your goal? Save the marriage? Pursue xMM? Explore life on your own?

 

If you don't have a goal...then your first step is figuring out what it is you WANT out of all of this. Do you think your marriage has a chance, and might be worth it? Or do you think it's done?

 

You need to pick a direction to start moving in...you've spent months not moving in any direction, and you're still in the same place you were six months ago.

 

If you don't make a choice...nothing will change.

 

Our first marriage counselor that we visited after my wife's EA asked my wife what her plan was. My wife replied that she would wait and see how things might work out in our marriage. The MC told my wife that this wasn't a plan, and that it would prove/disprove nothing. If my wife wanted a better marriage, she had to CHOOSE to have a better marriage...and start WORKING towards it. She couldn't just sit around and wait to see how things went, and then suddenly find herself looking up one day saying "look at how wonderful things are now". That just wasn't going to happen.

 

You need to get up, dust yourself off, figure out what it is that you want, and start making it happen.

 

Today.

[Clay]

I agree with the others I think you did the right thing. I know cheating on him was wrong but at least your being descent to him now.

 

I hope things go well for you.

 

Clay

[Patna]

I know what I want. I want my marriage. I'd been working on R for the past 6 months and it doesn't seem to get anywhere. Although I no longer want to go back to the A, I'm in the A withdrawal stage still, so I'm not sure if that has clouded my judgement and affect our R. H and me are still emotionally distant despite the past 6 months. It seems we are still building our marriage on our children and not on ourselves.

 

For those who went through R, what did you do to move on and heal the relationship together? How did your became closer?

[Friskyone4u]

There can't truly be R as long as part of your attention is focused on mourning the loss of your AP. This is a battle your husband cannot win for you and you should not be blaming him for your attempt at R is bogged down

 

It is not succeeding because you are not all in and for no other reason. You need to let to of the illusion of ecstasy you got from sneaking around and be thankful your husband has not kicked you to the curb. Focus on thanking him and not your affair.

No one said cheating was easy. You are the one that needs to do the heavy lifting.

I would also suggest , assuming you are maintaining NC, that you stay off the other forum where a lot of your fellow cheaters tell each other how bad you have it by not having OM anymore.

Spend the time on threads that talk about helping your BS heal

[dichotomy]

Ok - you have lingering feelings for xom - what type of feelings? sexual? Love? Longing? Sadness? what?

 

and what type of feelings do you have for your husband now?

 

Just saying "i have lingering feelings" can mean anything.

[whichwayisup]

Yesterday evening I confessed to my hubby I still have feelings for exMM. It was 6 months ago since I confessed to hubby about my affair. He was shocked because he thought I no longer love exMM. He was very upset and said my affair made him doubt himself and made him feel inadequate. It made me wonder if all the sacrifices he made was worth it. I'm feeling so down, I really don't know what to do. I confessed because I always felt my feelings for exMM stood in our way of R because I got to hide my feelings and always put up a shield in front of my husband. I know confessing would hurt him, but I also know if I don't confess, our marriage would be hurt. Am I wrong in confessing to him?

 

What are you doing to help yourself get over exMM and what you feel for him? Are you thinking and reminiscing about him a lot? Reliving what you two shared? or are you trying your best to keep him out of your mind, working on letting go, working on yourself and trying to reconnect with your H?

 

Counseling could help you cope with letting him go.

[Patna]

I'm no longer in that stage of fantasizing about the A or romantizing him. However we had been together for over a year, so there was love from both sides. I'm grieving over the loss of that relationship, and he is occupying my mind very often especially in NC. I know it's natural to grieve a loss, but I'm frustrated that it's getting too long for me to get over him.

 

Is 6 months still too early to see significant changes?

[whichwayisup]

and he is occupying my mind very often especially in NC.

 

What are you doing to fight the thoughts of him in your mind?

 

He isn't missing you. He's moved on and you need to get fed up and make up your mind that you're DONE. NO more and be tough on yourself. Any time you feel yourself sad, instead push through it and say NO MORE TEARS, I'm done crying and feeling shi.tty/sad about this.

 

Get busy and focus on your H, your friends, family, hobbies etc.

 

6 months in, he shouldn't be in your head so often. Fight it hard. you can do this.

[Patna]

I was doing better then, but I guess it's a lot of triggers recently that brought me backwards. And there's no way I can avoid the triggers.

[Owl]

I know what I want. I want my marriage. I'd been working on R for the past 6 months and it doesn't seem to get anywhere. Although I no longer want to go back to the A, I'm in the A withdrawal stage still, so I'm not sure if that has clouded my judgement and affect our R. H and me are still emotionally distant despite the past 6 months. It seems we are still building our marriage on our children and not on ourselves.

 

For those who went through R, what did you do to move on and heal the relationship together? How did your became closer?

 

What are you actively DOING to rebuild your marriage.

 

What ACTIONS are included in this?

[dichotomy]

6 months is not a lot of time.

 

 

it took my WW years, (about 4) from her last contact with OM/MM to gain perspective - basically from romantic to fondness....to kind of neutral not on her mind - to disgust. That was a big help and long overdue change at 4 years out from NC. I am not going to be blind and say there are no lingering positive aspects in her mind or heart for certain aspects of their relationship - but it was a notable change for her.

 

And yes our marriage struggles with emotional distance, and is built on our kids and home. Not such a bad thing. Many marriage (without affairs) can go though years/phases of focusing on other things and being hot and cold.

 

I don't know your marriage, but in general- you as WS - you carry the burden of the bulk of the actions to repair things. Not saying your husband might not have his share of issues.

 

Me personally - I wound stop telling your NH what residual feelings you have for OM - and start focusing on what feelings you have for HIM - and honestly overstating (faking if needed) some feelings - along with regret and guilt and accountability - you need to show respect, admiration, and sexual attraction and honor for him ("I love you" is not on the top of a betrayed mans need list in these situations)

[Owl]

Me personally - I wound stop telling your NH what residual feelings you have for OM - and start focusing on what feelings you have for HIM - and honestly overstating (faking if needed) some feelings - along with regret and guilt and accountability - you need to show respect, admiration, and sexual attraction and honor for him ("I love you" is not on the top of a betrayed mans need list in these situations)

 

Dichotomy is exactly right in this.

 

Your husband needs to know that you CHOSE to remain and reconcile with him.

 

He needs to KNOW that he wasn't simply your backup plan...your only choice...your default option because you couldn't have OM.

 

He needs to know that you're with him because he's the one you want to be with...not because you settled for him.

 

He needs to KNOW it...he needs to FEEL it in all of your interactions with him.

 

I'm curious...and realize I'm not calling you out. Was your husband your choice...or your default option? It matters...it's probably the biggest thing that matters in recovery, period.

 

I was my wife's default option for about 3 weeks. I'd worked to end the affair. She ended up living with me, seperated in house, for about a month whiel we were figuring out what next.

 

When I realized that she was actively choosing to seperate for more than a year...I informed her that I wasn't going to wait for her. I wanted a divorce instead. That caused her to get out of her ennui...forced her to CHOOSE me, or LOSE me.

 

If your husband isn't your choice...you either need to change that with a quickness, or be ready to lose him as well.