Learning to trust again

[HBIC]

fOW here. ExMM is one of those guys that everyone thinks is a wonderful person because the outer layers of the onion are good. Obviously, the inner layers are bad or he wouldn't have been a cheater.

 

Just for context, I ended the relationship when I realized I wasn't dealing with an exit affair but just a garden variety cake-eater. And I told his wife to make sure the affair was good and dead and she knew who was sleeping next to her at night.

 

Now I feel pretty jaded. I feel like anyone is capable of cheating, which essentially boils down to lying to others to selfishly scratch an itch.

 

With all the baggage that comes with being a fOW, how can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? (and, yes, now I know that anyone who is married and willing to cheat automatically falls into the latter category ) I don't have any intention to date anyone right now, but I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

[HBIC]

How can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

 

Perhaps no one has chimed in yet because there isn't an easy way to tell if someone has deep, deep issues until it is too late. It's hard to stop yourself from falling in love with someone, even though you know at first most of it is a projection of who you'd like the person to be, not who they really are.

 

I fell in love very fast, then saw the red flags of inner rot with exMM, in addition to him being a cheater of course. He's needy, likes to be in an altered state to numb himself, and he told me he lacked guilt for his actions in the A.

 

Maybe it's best for me to be alone for a long time. Not only as an atonement of sorts for causing excruciating pain to the innocent BS in this situation, but also to figure out what the heck is wildly wrong with me. I'm also a rotted onion. I wonder if all of us are to some extent or could be.

 

I don't know if I put my post in the wrong section because it is not specifically about an A per se, but I wanted the thoughts of strong fOW and BSs on trust in relationships because As are all about broken trust. This experience has left me scared of trusting another bad onion that looks good on the outside. And perhaps what I really wanted was an internet hug.

[Speakingofwhich]

How people treat others, especially those who can do nothing for them, is an indication of how they'll treat you, imo.

 

I've found it's difficult to read the Bible daily and treat others badly so I read it daily and being with someone else who does also is important to me.

 

Being a church goer only isn't enough for me, as plenty of people attend church who don't live by the standards advocated there. Although I do want to attend church with someone I'm dating or married to.

[imfine]

I just wanted to speak up on what you said about time alone. I think that has been the most beneficial thing for me after leaving a toxic relationship. I am slowly getting in touch with me again. I spend time dissecting my feelings, actions, etc. and accepting the sweet onion along with the rotten parts. The first thing is take the focus off of him. I know it's hard, I haven't started believing this fully yet, but not all men are rotten. I do believe the rotten men can spot a broken woman a mile away. Focus on you. Build your confidence & self esteem. Figure out what you really want. Decide what your boundaries are. Promise yourself not to ignore those bright red flags. Learn to trust yourself to never let a stinky, rotten, nasty onion in your life again. ((Hugs))

[HBIC]

Speakingofwhich, thank you for offering some guidance.

 

I grew up in a strict religious household and appreciate the moral compass that that kind of experience provides.

 

I've studied the Bible, but unfortunately find that I personally have to cherry pick the lessons from it because there's a lot of contradictory stuff in there and stuff that was written for socio-political reasons. Still lots of good, but plenty of stuff I can't subscribe to. (Just stating my opinion, not trying to upset anyone that finds Bible study extremely helpful.)

 

I do like the golden rule.

 

I think what you said about paying attention to how someone treats others, especially when there's nothing obviously advantageous about it, is great advice.

 

In the case of xMM, he did not act honorably toward his wife and she is his life partner. But like I said, he is otherwise a great man in more superficial relationships. Everyone thinks he is wonderful because he regularly goes out of his way to be a helpful person and give of himself. I falsely believed he has a sense integrity on deeper levels and it was an exit affair based on this.

 

I think I need to forgive myself for trusting someone like that. The anger I feel about this situation isn't hurting anyone but me. I need to give myself time. Well, recovery is a process.

[Snowflower]

In the case of xMM, he did not act honorably toward his wife and she is his life partner. But like I said, he is otherwise a great man in more superficial relationships. Everyone thinks he is wonderful because he regularly goes out of his way to be a helpful person and give of himself. I falsely believed he has a sense integrity on deeper levels and it was an exit affair based on this.

 

 

So he treated his wife horrifically but in superficial relationships he was great? I think the true sense of somebody is shown in how they treat their family and friends.

 

Anybody can appear super-nice to someone they know only superficially. It's also easier to maintain a superficial relationship.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Snowflower

[HBIC]

I just wanted to speak up on what you said about time alone. I think that has been the most beneficial thing for me after leaving a toxic relationship. I am slowly getting in touch with me again. I spend time dissecting my feelings, actions, etc. and accepting the sweet onion along with the rotten parts. The first thing is take the focus off of him. I know it's hard, I haven't started believing this fully yet, but not all men are rotten. I do believe the rotten men can spot a broken woman a mile away. Focus on you. Build your confidence & self esteem. Figure out what you really want. Decide what your boundaries are. Promise yourself not to ignore those bright red flags. Learn to trust yourself to never let a stinky, rotten, nasty onion in your life again. ((Hugs))

 

Thank you! I know that it can't be possible that all men are bad produce, and the sufficiently healed and smarter me won't be bad produce either .

 

As to time alone and taking the focus off of him: yes. I'm not that far out from the nuclear blast of disclosure/end of the A so it's an active battle to control my thoughts right now. I've been over-indulging a bit on thinking of the A and appreciate the reminder to put limits on this. Seriously appreciate the hug too.

[HBIC]

So he treated his wife horrifically but in superficial relationships he was great? I think the true sense of somebody is shown in how they treat their family and friends.

 

Anybody can appear super-nice to someone they know only superficially. It's also easier to maintain a superficial relationship.

 

I've never seen his interactions with his wife. I only learned of his behavior when he told me why she would be upset with him and I agreed with her viewpoint. This info. came later in the A and only after he and I had spent a sufficient amount of time together for me to see his dark side. So she and I know the truth and everyone else thinks he is Mr. Amazing. Seriously. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people gush about him .

[HBIC]

So he treated his wife horrifically

 

Just to clarify: cheating on your wife IS horrific (and dishonorable) behavior, however, to my knowledge other than that, his behavior toward her was nothing out of the ordinary in a long-term marriage. He is sometimes dismissive and demanding but otherwise the world's greatest provider and father.

 

He brought up the topic of divorce with her because of drifting apart (influence of A, no doubt) but she was happy to stay and work on things. I've been NC with him since nuclear blast so no idea what is going on now. It's none of my d*** business, either.

 

I think other than the affair part , it is likely he a good husband.

[jwi71]

Just for context, I ended the relationship when I realized I wasn't dealing with an exit affair but just a garden variety cake-eater.

 

This implies that one type A is better than another.

Why and in what ways?

 

With all the baggage that comes with being a fOW, how can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? (and, yes, now I know that anyone who is married and willing to cheat automatically falls into the latter category ) I don't have any intention to date anyone right now, but I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

 

We all have failures and faults. Slices of ourselves we are none to proud of. The question you ask, ultimately, has no meaningful answer for anyone other than the answerer.

 

The bad apples are the ones YOU identify as such. What behaviors would you say label one as a bad apple? Now look for those behaviors....and, if they appear, end it with him.

 

So...time for you to sit down and start digging and uncovering what is and is NOT acceptable to YOU.

[Artie Lang]

well, to be honest, you're no better. you knowingly engaged in an affair with a married man, so what does that say about your character.

 

how can you begin to trust others when you can't even trust yourself to make better decisions?

[whichwayisup]

I think I need to forgive myself for trusting someone like that. The anger I feel about this situation isn't hurting anyone but me. I need to give myself time. Well, recovery is a process.

Forgive him and forgive yourself. I don't think you can do one without the other.

 

Once you go through all the stages of grief, forgiveness is huge. It'll make you feel more at peace and go on with your life.

[HBIC]

This implies that one type A is better than another.

Why and in what ways?

 

Excellent question. Well, I thought that exit affairs were kinda sorta OK (although cowardly) because "true love" sometimes just happens at inconvenient times. We are all human and sometimes life is messy. I had always told him flat out that I was only "in" if it was leading somewhere. Otherwise: check please. As a result, Mr. Amazing figured out right quick that future faking with me was his favorite new pastime.

 

Other types of affairs? Well, I try not to judge, but I suppose for me I guess there is a hierarchy. Pure sex? Not my cup of tea.

 

As I mentioned, Mr. Amazing turned out to be a classic cake-eater. And now post expose to the BS, he has his just desserts.

 

 

We all have failures and faults. Slices of ourselves we are none to proud of. The question you ask, ultimately, has no meaningful answer for anyone other than the answerer.

 

The bad apples are the ones YOU identify as such. What behaviors would you say label one as a bad apple? Now look for those behaviors....and, if they appear, end it with him.

 

So...time for you to sit down and start digging and uncovering what is and is NOT acceptable to YOU.

 

I am extremely appreciative of this advice. I have been discussing this with my best friend and opined that, well, no one is perfect so I guess we all have to figure out what our personal "have-to-haves" and dealbreakers are and find someone who hopefully fits that.

 

My personal list of dealbreakers:

Alcoholism

Guys who can't walk in the rain (yes, this is based on a real person)

Guys who insist on singing off-key in the car often (ditto)

Being boring

Physical/sexual repulsion (and I'm very flexible on looks)

 

What I look for:

Wit

Kindness

Integrity

Creativity

 

I guess I did ask a hard question for others to answer for me. What works for you might not work for me and vice versa. Each of us has our own definition of what is a rotten onion. Thank you for the guidance.

Edited June 26, 2014 by HBIC

[HBIC]

well, to be honest, you're no better. you knowingly engaged in an affair with a married man, so what does that say about your character.

 

how can you begin to trust others when you can't even trust yourself to make better decisions?

 

I was kinda waiting for someone to give me the old "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, look in the mirror" kinda response. A.k.a. "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you got with a married man. Are you soft in the head or something?!?!?"

 

Eh. Yes. Bad decision making. Why did I feel entitled enough to have a relationship with someone else's husband? Who do I think I am? That was really selfish

 

Well, at least I stopped it. And I told the wife to pour gasoline on the bridge and ignite it. I'm not perfect but I am trying.

[HBIC]

Forgive him and forgive yourself. I don't think you can do one without the other.

 

Once you go through all the stages of grief, forgiveness is huge. It'll make you feel more at peace and go on with your life.

 

I've been a dweller at times in life. I want this to be something that helps me to overcome that. I am actively trying to steer my thoughts away from the anger at xMM and the pain of the whole debacle. Today I drove with the creepiest fake smile on my face to try to force my brain to re-wire. And, holy smokes, it kinda worked! I kept thinking: this is my opportunity to heal, smarten, and find someone sooo much better for me. This experience is a gift and I should be grateful for the lesson.

 

I am aware, however, as other posters have mentioned on other threads, that sometimes you have to go through the pain though to really heal. There are no shortcuts in life. Namaste.

[Owl6118]

With all the baggage that comes with being a fOW, how can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? (and, yes, now I know that anyone who is married and willing to cheat automatically falls into the latter category ) I don't have any intention to date anyone right now, but I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

 

There are no guarantees in life, as you know all too well. But, there are questions one can ask for that improve the odds:

 

1. What KIND of kind is he? Kind through public acts (that garner praise) or kind in private life, the quiet, thoughtful kindness that needs no recognition?

 

2. Is he empathetic as well as kind? Does he act from a genuinely felt recognition that others' feelings are as real as his own?

 

3. Who are his friends? How do they speak of him? As fun, the life of the party, a hoot? Or as someone they trust in time of need?

 

4. Does he respect others and himself? Real respect includes acting with integrity toward others and toward his own values. It is very different from pride, or a high (even if justified in part) opinion on one's own merits.

 

But in asking, one has also to be willing to see, and be guided by, the answers you deduce from your close and attentive observation...

[Hope Shimmers]

fOW here. ExMM is one of those guys that everyone thinks is a wonderful person because the outer layers of the onion are good. Obviously, the inner layers are bad or he wouldn't have been a cheater.

 

Just for context, I ended the relationship when I realized I wasn't dealing with an exit affair but just a garden variety cake-eater. And I told his wife to make sure the affair was good and dead and she knew who was sleeping next to her at night.

 

Now I feel pretty jaded. I feel like anyone is capable of cheating, which essentially boils down to lying to others to selfishly scratch an itch.

 

With all the baggage that comes with being a fOW, how can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? (and, yes, now I know that anyone who is married and willing to cheat automatically falls into the latter category ) I don't have any intention to date anyone right now, but I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

 

You're a great writer. In your interest I would add to your list of 'What I Look For' (earlier post of yours on this thread) - "Intelligent".

 

I wish I believed that most men were not capable of cheating, but I don't. It hasn't been my personal experience. I have spent time dating after ex-MM and my divorce and have encountered all sorts of versions of men who lied about their marital status (claimed to be single when actually married) and so on and so forth.

 

(And please go ahead and hit me with it too, Artie - yes I'm no better since I had an affair. But at least I am not continuing the behavior).

 

My solution to date has been to remain single and to adopt a very loyal dog.

[Snowflower]

I've never seen his interactions with his wife. I only learned of his behavior when he told me why she would be upset with him and I agreed with her viewpoint. This info. came later in the A and only after he and I had spent a sufficient amount of time together for me to see his dark side. So she and I know the truth and everyone else thinks he is Mr. Amazing. Seriously. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people gush about him .

 

I know you've never seen his interactions with his wife but actions speak louder than words and that was what I was trying to get at. This next post really sums it up well:

 

There are no guarantees in life, as you know all too well. But, there are questions one can ask for that improve the odds:

 

1. What KIND of kind is he? Kind through public acts (that garner praise) or kind in private life, the quiet, thoughtful kindness that needs no recognition?

 

2. Is he empathetic as well as kind? Does he act from a genuinely felt recognition that others' feelings are as real as his own?

 

3. Who are his friends? How do they speak of him? As fun, the life of the party, a hoot? Or as someone they trust in time of need?

 

4. Does he respect others and himself? Real respect includes acting with integrity toward others and toward his own values. It is very different from pride, or a high (even if justified in part) opinion on one's own merits.

 

But in asking, one has also to be willing to see, and be guided by, the answers you deduce from your close and attentive observation...

 

Please pay attention to these things^^^ when assessing whether a man might be a trustworthy, good person.

 

Just because people "gush" about someone's attributes does not make said person a "good" person.

 

True goodness and trustworthiness is shown more quietly.

[MissBee]

fOW here. ExMM is one of those guys that everyone thinks is a wonderful person because the outer layers of the onion are good. Obviously, the inner layers are bad or he wouldn't have been a cheater.

 

Just for context, I ended the relationship when I realized I wasn't dealing with an exit affair but just a garden variety cake-eater. And I told his wife to make sure the affair was good and dead and she knew who was sleeping next to her at night.

 

Now I feel pretty jaded. I feel like anyone is capable of cheating, which essentially boils down to lying to others to selfishly scratch an itch.

 

With all the baggage that comes with being a fOW, how can I tell the good dating prospects from the bad ones? (and, yes, now I know that anyone who is married and willing to cheat automatically falls into the latter category ) I don't have any intention to date anyone right now, but I need to learn how to pick onions that aren't rotted deep inside.

 

You already said it...the biggest clue is if a man is currently married and cheating, chances are you choosing him as the person you will emotionally invest in and trust is not a wise plan and that's the first step in avoiding rotten onions.

 

I think that's one thing an OW benefits from. I get a BS being jaded by her husband doing this, because you've married this person and come to find out they are cheating, but if you met them while they are a known cheater, as OW do, who aren't lied to, then the issue isn't so much how to trust...but it's a more simple situation of avoiding these situations no matter what the person says about their life....tell them no thanks, talk to you when they are divorced.

 

But I get what you're saying about good dating prospects. There is no fool proof way.I do think with some people there are clues that they are flippant about infidelity or don't really value fidelity and I think while in a relationship all you can do is ASK questions, ask their thoughts and opinions, LISTEN to their answers or what they casually say about infidelity when they aren't thinking about it etc. All you can do is be upfront about what you expect and want and won't tolerate and keep your eyes and ears open with this person...trust as warranted and if something feels off...check up on it. I think as humans we are all liable to make mistakes but I don't think everyone is comfortable with cheating...some people are more comfortable with it than others and all you can do is try to weed out the latter folks and then take the rest of the advice about all others.

 

My exAP for example, as well as one guy I was casually seeing about a year ago, I could tell that for them infidelity was not a big deal or something that made them terribly conflicted based on all they said and did. They were always quick to defend or excuse cheating or downplay it and my exAP never ever expressed any type of guilt or conflict but seemed like as long as he could do it without it negatively affecting him, he would. That mentality is absolutely NOT one I can tolerate and I think people who are so flippant or lean more towards defending infidelity are probably more likely to engage in it later. My current bf for example, I never had to ask him about infidelity, as in getting to know him it came up in other ways and his opinions were that if he is done with a relationship he's going to say so, he doesn't see how men have the time or money to cheat because he doesn't have the time neither does he want to be spending money on two women, he never cheated on anyone, he's a one woman guy etc. He truly seems perplexed and exasperated when the issue comes up...which it came up while watching movies or shows about cheating or while I was telling him about my friend who's been in an A going on 6 years...and he genuinely looks like he cannot understand it on her part or the MM's part and expressed that it made his head hurt to think about it. These things clue me in that he isn't the type who has a casual attitude about cheating but he actually finds it a headache to imagine and has already decided for himself that he couldn't do it. That's a good sign for me. It isn't fool proof and doesn't mean he could NEVER cheat...but at least in deciding to trust him I have some evidence to go on that seems promising.

 

 

TBH I can't imagine my bf should we be married to be cheating. He's just a very honest guy and also not really good at lying, because half the time he can't remember stuff , so he'd be the sloppiest cheater alive and I'd immediately realize something was going on...he tries to surprise me and can't even really do it that well because he's just not good at keeping secrets. So all off these things for me help me to know that as much as is possible, I am choosing a good guy who is on the low end of propensity to cheat.

Edited June 26, 2014 by MissBee

[HBIC]

You're a great writer. In your interest I would add to your list of 'What I Look For' (earlier post of yours on this thread) - "Intelligent".

 

I wish I believed that most men were not capable of cheating, but I don't. It hasn't been my personal experience. I have spent time dating after ex-MM and my divorce and have encountered all sorts of versions of men who lied about their marital status (claimed to be single when actually married) and so on and so forth.

 

(And please go ahead and hit me with it too, Artie - yes I'm no better since I had an affair. But at least I am not continuing the behavior).

 

My solution to date has been to remain single and to adopt a very loyal dog.

 

Thanks for the compliment, Hope Shimmers. Yes, the guy has to be smart. Reaaaaaaly smart. Or else I get bored and the connection dies.

 

Almost anyone is capable of cheating. Exceptions? Those with true integrity and those rare birds who cheated once and learned their lesson.

 

It's not terribly important to me to find a partner right now. I love good companionship, but I'm an acquired taste so to speak and not everyone's cup of tea. Plus, I want someone who rings my bell (physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) and those folks don't grow on trees. I deeply enjoy being alone, so flirty fun and pursuing happiness on my own is the plan for now.

[HBIC]

True goodness and trustworthiness is shown more quietly.

 

Agreed. Flashy shows of "altruism" pretty much scream "Look how good I am!!!" Or the whole co-dependent needing to be needed thing.

 

Who is trustworthy? Really trustworthy? I am learning that trust needs to be earned and to listen to my gut. When it feels like something is wrong, it is.

[Friskyone4u]

There is nothing wrong with you. You made a mistake and got involved with someone who you shouldn't have and maybe were misled by his statements about his marriage. You did the smart thing and extricated yourself from the situation and if I read it right told or have spoke. To his wife.

Your answer is obvious. Just do a better job of making sure anyone you date is not married and don't believe any bull **** about being separated or about to divorce unless they can prove it.

No need to give up men in my opinion. Just make better choices

[HBIC]

There is nothing wrong with you. You made a mistake and got involved with someone who you shouldn't have and maybe were misled by his statements about his marriage. You did the smart thing and extricated yourself from the situation and if I read it right told or have spoke. To his wife.

Your answer is obvious. Just do a better job of making sure anyone you date is not married and don't believe any bull **** about being separated or about to divorce unless they can prove it.

No need to give up men in my opinion. Just make better choices

 

Thank you. I'm a rather, er, vivacious woman so I know this period of self-improvement and celibacy can only last so long. I love men. Adore them. And you're right, the vast majority ARE good guys. I just have to be careful and put the brakes on my heart until my head has given the all clear

[HBIC]

MissBee, thank you very much for the thoughtful insight and advice. My response bolded.

 

You already said it...the biggest clue is if a man is currently married and cheating, chances are you choosing him as the person you will emotionally invest in and trust is not a wise plan and that's the first step in avoiding rotten onions.

 

Avoiding married/separated/recently divorced men has always been my MO. I made an exception for this particular MM. Lesson learned.

 

I think that's one thing an OW benefits from. I get a BS being jaded by her husband doing this, because you've married this person and come to find out they are cheating, but if you met them while they are a known cheater, as OW do, who aren't lied to, then the issue isn't so much how to trust...but it's a more simple situation of avoiding these situations no matter what the person says about their life....tell them no thanks, talk to you when they are divorced.

 

OW are lied to. A lot. They know about the W, but everything else is some bizarre perversion of the truth to get OW to stay. Affairs are a bonanza of lying for everyone!

 

But I get what you're saying about good dating prospects. There is no fool proof way.I do think with some people there are clues that they are flippant about infidelity or don't really value fidelity and I think while in a relationship all you can do is ASK questions, ask their thoughts and opinions, LISTEN to their answers or what they casually say about infidelity when they aren't thinking about it etc. All you can do is be upfront about what you expect and want and won't tolerate and keep your eyes and ears open with this person...trust as warranted and if something feels off...check up on it. I think as humans we are all liable to make mistakes but I don't think everyone is comfortable with cheating...some people are more comfortable with it than others and all you can do is try to weed out the latter folks and then take the rest of the advice about all others.

 

Many guys will cheat if they are unhappy, even the ones who never in a million years would think they are capable. But, yes, if a guy off the bat says that cheating is OK, it's probably best to finish dinner and never see him again.

 

TBH I can't imagine my bf should we be married to be cheating...I am choosing a good guy who is on the low end of propensity to cheat.

 

I really hope that is the case.

[PachucaSunrise]

Hey there, HBIC.

 

Just wanted to check in with you... See how you've been feeling these past few days. Still hanging tough? I have a feeling you are.

 

I just read through your thread again... It really sounds as though you're on the right track, in all the right ways. You've displayed a ton of insight with regards to your situation. That's excellent. GOOD. FOR. YOU!

 

I fell in love very fast, then saw the red flags of inner rot with exMM, in addition to him being a cheater of course. He's needy, likes to be in an altered state to numb himself, and he told me he lacked guilt for his actions in the A.

 

I can certainly relate to this - EVERYTHING you mentioned was also true for my situation, right down to his neediness and tendency to 'numb himself'. But the fact that my XMM lacked guilt for his actions in our A always rubbed me the wrong way. I had a difficult time understanding how that could be, but that was just another enormous red flag I simply chose to ignore. But I was in love, right? I still went along with it. Makes ALL the sense in the world!

 

I think I need to forgive myself for trusting someone like that. The anger I feel about this situation isn't hurting anyone but me. I need to give myself time. Well, recovery is a process.

 

What do you think you trusted about him? I'm only asking because I can't seem to figure this out for myself. I don't know what I trusted. Him? The whole A in itself? Me? That what I was doing was okay? That we would end up happily ever after? What was there to actually trust in the first place? Still boggles my mind. Do I really need to figure this out? Probably not, but it still haunts me every damn day.

 

I'm glad you're feeling angry, though. I think that's crucial when it comes to this whole healing journey. I know you may feel as though the anger is only hurting you, but if you don't allow yourself to feel it, you might find yourself feeling all those 'other' emotions... And remaining in the 'land of la la' would be even worse. So feel it, definitely, just don't dwell in it.

 

Also, the fact that you're feeling angry in the first place shows that the fog is beginning to lift, if it hasn't disappeared altogether already. This is good stuff. I find myself going back and forth when it comes to my anger. I do want to feel some form of it, which I do at times, but I don't think I've found myself feeling REALLY, REALLY MAD just yet. And I haven't felt much anger towards him; the little bit of anger I've felt has been directed inward. I guess that's a good thing, though, as he clearly didn't force me to make the choices I did - that was all on me.

 

I kept thinking: this is my opportunity to heal, smarten, and find someone sooo much better for me. This experience is a gift and I should be grateful for the lesson.

 

How true! I'm glad you're taking some positives out of this. I'm currently trying to do the same... I just wish I didn't have to learn my lesson in such a difficult way - you know the deal. I'm not yet grateful for it, but I hope I will feel that way at some point in the future. There was obviously something not right within myself to end up where I did, but like you, I want to learn from that, smarten up, and ultimately end up a better person - a person who is capable of finding love for all the right reasons. But before that happens, I need to begin to learn to love myself unconditionally. It's definitely an uphill battle but I know it can be done.

 

I am aware, however, as other posters have mentioned on other threads, that sometimes you have to go through the pain though to really heal. There are no shortcuts in life. Namaste.

 

This statement definitely hit a soft spot with me. How incredibly true!

 

It's not terribly important to me to find a partner right now. I love good companionship, but I'm an acquired taste so to speak and not everyone's cup of tea. Plus, I want someone who rings my bell (physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) and those folks don't grow on trees. I deeply enjoy being alone, so flirty fun and pursuing happiness on my own is the plan for now.

 

Same here. I love my own company, and that's something I put on the side for quite some time. It is kinda tough to regain that feeling once again, though. Lots of spare time that would have been reserved for him is now open to explore my new-found freedom. It's a lonely spot at the moment, but I was more than happy with it before, and I'm hell bent on being happy with it once again.

 

I'm not in the best spot to date at the moment, but I'm finally noticing that I'm starting to take some interest in AVAILABLE men. A month ago, I couldn't even think of anyone other than him in that way. There hasn't been a whole lot of difference in this department, but there HAS been some, and so I am very thankful for that.

 

Time to enjoy myself again, as well as my friends. Go out, flirt, and keep things light-hearted - no need to rush anything. I really like your ideas about this.

 

Keep up with the great work, girl! I'm in your corner, rooting for ya!