WS's friends who were aware of the A while it was going on

[Sub]

I'd like to get other's opinions on how to deal with this issue. Or how it has been handled.

 

My WW had a friend from work who acted as a shoulder/sympathetic ear during her A. This woman had her own experience as a BS, as her H had a separate family in another state without her knowing. I liked her. She was always sweet to me, welcomed me into her home for parties and such, treated me kindly, etc. She was also a good friend to my W. But some issues arose before and during the A that I didn't, let's say, appreciate. At some point, she floated the (completely baseless) idea that I was maybe having an A with a student - at the time, I was a college professor. I read some dialogue between her and my W during the A, and she appeared to be a cheerleader for the OM. I think she liked the drama and juiciness of it all. Looking back, there was also something very eery to me about someone knowing something about my life that I didn't know, at the same time she's giving me a hug and welcoming me into her home for a BBQ.

 

I don't maintain any malice towards her. I'm indifferent. She's not a part of my life. I'm not going to tell my W whether or not to be friends with her. W is a big girl. She can make that call. Since my W has moved on from that job, their relationship isn't what it was. WW knows I'm not comfortable with her. What "triggered" me on this aspect of the A is that she has always made a point to text my W a Happy Father's Day wish for me, which she did last week. Not sure why she does it, but my response is always a mix of appreciation and dismissiveness. And I'm sure next year it will be the same story.

 

Anyone else have to deal with "Friends of the A" from time to time?

[jackslife]

I think one of the problems I've had regarding talking to my friends about my A. Is that it compromises them with respect to your spouse and if they are in very happy marriages with their wives. No secrets and all that.

A friend of mine had a girlfriend of 8 years but cheated on her for 2. His mates (us) all knew and being younger and more callous didn't let it bother us. After dday she bumped into one of the friends and tore into him for being as much of a liar and betrayer as her ex BF.

Before I go off track altogether, I think I'd call this woman just for devilment and to cause her a bit of discomfort. Ask her calmly why she is texting happy fathers day messages when she was an active confident in the betrayal. Ask her if sending these texts gives her a vicarious thrill. Just make her squirm a bit. My guess is you won't receive a happy fathers day text next year...

[bubbaganoosh]

My question is, what you did about your wife's affair. Are you still with her?

 

IMO, the woman is someone that I would not trust around my wife and if your going to reconcile with your wife, then this woman friend of your wife would be someone I wouldn't want around. She's a trouble maker and has made a accusation about you that isn't true and that could have been the reason your wife cheated. She's bad news.

[Trustnoone]

Sub

 

Ron White said it best, you can't fix stupid. Could be several thoughts as to why. Maybe she is so bitter at the world she wants others to feel her pain also. Maybe that's why she was a cheerleader. Maybe why she hugged you at the BBQ's to dig that knife in your back a little more. Could be that she hates men after what her husband did. Could be your WW painted a picture of you so horrible that she wanted your WW to be happy with someone else. I have another hundred reasons. I would respond to the Father's Day text but that's just me. Reply with, thanks I just sent the same to your spouse! Or something along those lines. I would ask her how she could support an affair and be so nice without having a conscious. Tell her to keep her well wishes to you to herself. This might also clue your WW in to what you think of this woman and help her stay away.

[Sub]

My question is, what you did about your wife's affair. Are you still with her?

Yes, we have R'd. Things are going very well. I know that's all that should matter, and that's mostly the case. This sort of thing just feels like a nuisance.

[Sub]

Could be your WW painted a picture of you so horrible that she wanted your WW to be happy with someone else.

WW has said this is why the friend was supportive. Although she never painted me as horrible. Just that WW was unhappy.

 

I would respond to the Father's Day text but that's just me. Reply with, thanks I just sent the same to your spouse! Or something along those lines. I would ask her how she could support an affair and be so nice without having a conscious. Tell her to keep her well wishes to you to herself. This might also clue your WW in to what you think of this woman and help her stay away.

 

I wasn't planning on responding, but I wouldn't be snarky if I did. I've been torn before - say the year or so after I found out - about reaching out to her, not to lay into her, but just to gain some more perspective on things. This kind of acts as a reminder of that, as I hadn't given her much thought. Like I said, I don't know exactly what the motive is. Best guess is she feels some guilt. She never came off as the malicious type to me.

[compulsivedancer]

How long has it been since DDay?

 

I'd talk to her, unless you're so far past DDay that it would open up old wounds. She can likely give you some perspective on the affair that you may not be able to get any other way. At the same time, you can ask her why she did what she did and tell her how much it hurt that a BS would participate in betraying you.

[dichotomy]

I'd like to get other's opinions on how to deal with this issue. Or how it has been handled.

 

My WW had a friend from work who acted as a shoulder/sympathetic ear during her A. This woman had her own experience as a BS, as her H had a separate family in another state without her knowing. I liked her. She was always sweet to me, welcomed me into her home for parties and such, treated me kindly, etc. She was also a good friend to my W. But some issues arose before and during the A that I didn't, let's say, appreciate. At some point, she floated the (completely baseless) idea that I was maybe having an A with a student - at the time, I was a college professor. I read some dialogue between her and my W during the A, and she appeared to be a cheerleader for the OM. I think she liked the drama and juiciness of it all. Looking back, there was also something very eery to me about someone knowing something about my life that I didn't know, at the same time she's giving me a hug and welcoming me into her home for a BBQ.

 

I don't maintain any malice towards her. I'm indifferent. She's not a part of my life. I'm not going to tell my W whether or not to be friends with her. W is a big girl. She can make that call. Since my W has moved on from that job, their relationship isn't what it was. WW knows I'm not comfortable with her. What "triggered" me on this aspect of the A is that she has always made a point to text my W a Happy Father's Day wish for me, which she did last week. Not sure why she does it, but my response is always a mix of appreciation and dismissiveness. And I'm sure next year it will be the same story.

 

Anyone else have to deal with "Friends of the A" from time to time?

 

 

WW had a best friend like this, I did not actually know the full extent of how much she was a cheerleader for OM, and infact I found out later OM was her good friend and she INTRODUCED MM/OM to WW (then single)

 

At first (before I knew the extent of GF role with OM) it was kind of clear it was not helpful to my wife or me to keep seeing her. She lived far away, and by mutual agreement (mostly) my wife felt that life was behind her and GF was still stuck in that drama mode. So we saw less and less of her, wife knew I was uncomfortable but put up with some contact. However, once it became clear to me - that this GF was a true cheerleader for OM (she passed on a message from OM via FB to resume affair and reminded her how good he was in bed) I more or less demanded my wife go NC. Wife complied but rather than a formal break she just kept ignoring GF attempts to contact her - to the point GF left emotional messages asking if she did "something wrong" to WW...and then just stopped trying.

 

At this point other than a xmas card, they don't communicate at all - even via FB this GF has not commented in a LONG while on my wife's page or messaged her.

 

There was only one other GF who knew about my wife's involvement with OM/MM and lots of other things about her and me as well that I was hurt by. But this GF was not much of a real cheerleader and had no connection to OM. They work together and still talk professionally, but they are not social friends any longer . This one GF did not like her marrying me anyway and so I think it was a much a choice of this GF as my wife to shift to a mostly professional relationship. Also as time as gone by - I think this work GF has become jealous and envious of my wife's marriage to me. But she is no threat to us.

 

My basic philosophy is the 1) The marriage comes first and should be supported 2) Surround yourself with friends and family who agree with #1 3) Get rid of any others.

Edited June 25, 2014 by dichotomy

[Timmos]

I'm glad you've posted this, as I've been thinking about the same thing a lot lately. I was actually considering posting about it myself.

 

My wife painted me as a monster during her affair. She claims that if I was horrible, it made it easier for her to do what she as doing, as well as raised the saintliness of her OM.

 

During the whole mess, she confided in four* people. Two co-workers, one her best friend who lives out of country, and the other, my cousin's wife. I read all of the Facebook chats she had with these people (aside from one co-worker, who left all their discussions solely at work) and three of the four were not only offering her a shoulder to cry on, but offering assistance and support for her affair. One co-worker offered her a place to stay with the OM for the weekend. My cousin's wife encouraged her in every way. Her best friend offered to somehow assist with ending our marriage, all the while bragging on her and how attractive her OM was.

 

I chose, for better or worse, to try and reconcile with my wife. How things turn out, we will see. After all, I took vows to her, and I do still love her. I did not, however, take vows to these three harpies. I made it clear that, for reconciliation to happen, they each had to be cut off completely. If she wanted to retain them as friends, that's fine, but don't expect me to hang around.

 

The co-worker keeps her eyes on her feet when ever she sees me. She knows not to speak to me or my wife. My cousin's wife can unfortunately show up at family functions. I avoid her, she avoids me. She knows not to speak to me or my wife. The best friend was simply removed and blocked from Facebook. No explanations - she is not worthy of one.

 

The final friend/co-worker, who had no FB discussions with her - it turns out that later on in the affair, when she became aware of it, she spent hours talking to my wife, trying to pull her head from her ass. She was a BS too, you see.

 

I know none of these three people ever promised or owed me anything, but damn it if I am not still infuriated with each of them. They are not my friends, they are not my family, and I hope to Christ they remember that.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[beatcuff]

OP - why do anything. W friendship is dieing, just let it be. why kick it. what may happen?

 

F was getting only one side. therefore basing her opinions on same; JUST LIKE WE ARE TOO YOU. F may only heard the 'bad stuff'. and her responses wore as expected: leave him, he's awful, i would never allow my H to do that, etc.

 

as for the 'messages' you read --- taken out of context anything can be made to look off.

 

so go ahead call F. explain your side AND she will unleash a torrent of [not really sure: vemon, excuses, dribble]. does it really matter. now you force W to answer the charges. what are you gaining. it would be different if she was still involved in your life, she's not (or soon will not).

 

let it go.

[Syco]

Too much unnecessary drama.

 

Simply send a text to her: "You assisted in my wife's affair. Do not contact me any more". Do not respond to anything she texts back, and then block her number.

[aliveagain]

Anyone that chose to not get involved while the affair was going on shouldn't be involved now that the affair is over. They are not friends of the marriage.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I agree with Timmos, that these other people were part of the problem and need to be eliminated. Helping a friend through a difficult time is one thing, enabling an affair is something entirely different. These kind of people are not friends of the marriage and need to be eliminated. I would never talk to this woman again or allow her in your home.

[Timmos]

Helping a friend through a difficult time is one thing, enabling an affair is something entirely different.

 

That's just it. It wasn't "If hes so bad, leave!" or "why don't you come stay with us while you sort out the divorce/separation?" It was never about helping my wife out of a "terrible" relationship, it was 100% encouragement, support, aiding and abetting of her affair.

 

Crack down and kick them out of your life. They were never your friends nor friends of your marriage.

[Sub]

How long has it been since DDay?

 

I'd talk to her, unless you're so far past DDay that it would open up old wounds. She can likely give you some perspective on the affair that you may not be able to get any other way. At the same time, you can ask her why she did what she did and tell her how much it hurt that a BS would participate in betraying you.

 

 

3 years in August. I/We have pretty much moved on, so yes, the possibility of opening up old wounds is there. I'd like to think I'm in a place that I could handle anything right now, though. Unfortunately I'll always connect this person to the A. D-Day happened on a day we were at her house, and I confirmed the A later that night by finding a FB chat between her and my WW.

 

As far as perspective on the A: You may be right. I'm not necessarily looking for any more perspective, but if she had something to say to me, I can't say I wouldn't listen. That's part of my curiosity. It may be something I just need to speak at length with to my W about.

[beatcuff]

... it was 100% encouragement, support, aiding and abetting of her affair....

 

says WHO!!!

 

your W is deflecting: 'well you i would have NEVER had an A, but X (the friend) encouraged me, set up the date, drove me there, paid for the night' (you get the hint).

 

your W has successful distracted you from HER actions as you are now focusing in on friend that by your own omission is no longer involved in your life (gee so no loss on her end) and to which you never had a meaningful conversation with (perfect for W as she can feed you anything with rebuttal).

 

ignore the F she already out but, stop trying to treat the cut while ignoring the broken bone.

[Timmos]

says WHO!!!

 

your W is deflecting: 'well you i would have NEVER had an A, but X (the friend) encouraged me, set up the date, drove me there, paid for the night' (you get the hint).

 

your W has successful distracted you from HER actions as you are now focusing in on friend that by your own omission is no longer involved in your life (gee so no loss on her end) and to which you never had a meaningful conversation with (perfect for W as she can feed you anything with rebuttal).

 

ignore the F she already out but, stop trying to treat the cut while ignoring the broken bone.

 

Says the months worth of conversations she had with each of these friends on Facebook. I know very well.

 

I am focusing on the friends because that's the topic of the thread.

My wife's actions are separate and she has not escaped without consequence. You assume much from one line of text.

[waterwoman]

I would really struggle with this. Thank the lord H confided in NO_ONE during the affair. A few of his closest friends were suspicious that something was going on but had no clear idea that it was another woman - one of the actually stopped spending time with H because he spent his whole time glued to his phone and was bad company. OW appears to have 'confided' in a few people, inspite of being supposedly in fear of he H finding out, as one of her friends was spreading rumours for weeks before dday.

 

I have a feeling that I wouldn't be able to spend time with someone who had done known and condoned H's behaviour. All of our friends were disgusted at him and very surprised and have been supportive or me and or our marriage (for my sake). I even have trouble spending time with people who he works with who might have known. It makes me feel like such a gullible fool

 

If the friendship is dying I think just let it go. Let it die it;s natural death,

[EverySunset]

sorry for not saying more, but I'm having a tough time lately myself.

 

Basically though, and friend of a WS during the affair (esp one who encouraged it) is no friend of yours.

[Chi townD]

Well, now I see it, is that the "friend" was cheated on in her own marriage. So, she automatically assumed that you would be cheating on your wife because apparently, "All men cheat". At least, that's probably the "friends" mindset.

 

 

Therefore, she encouraged your wife's affair as sort of a revenge affair of her own. The one she never got against her own husband. She was sure that you were cheating and thus, you probably deserved to be cheated on!

 

 

She was living out her own revenge affair through your wife's actions. Kind of like how some parents re-live their youth through their kids with sports or cheerleading and such.

[beatcuff]

...I am focusing on the friends because that's the topic of the thread...

 

it would be different if she was still involved. she's not, so simple question: what do you gain by 'telling off' a friend that is no longer a friend.

 

AND why do you now say friendS --- plural, this entire thread was about one, did i miss something.

[gettingstronger]

My husbands childhood friend met our OW and "accepted" her in a sense-he is a now a non-factor in my life- I do not actively engage him, I am cordial when I need to be and if he comes to visit (he is from out of town), I leave town- he has never asked why I avoid him and I never discussed it-

 

A co-worker "caught" them and although he never told me about it, he did tell my husband that he thought what he was doing was awful- since we only have a superficial friendship through work functions, I still treat him the same- in his shoes I probably would not have contacted me either but rather would have done as he did and talked to my husband whom he knows very well-

 

Its odd and OT, but my husband comes from a long line of cheaters- it never bothered me before that his mother and father both cheated, but now it really does- I avoid them as much as possible-leaving the communication up to my husband-my husband doesn't like it, but thats OK-

[Try]

At some point, she floated the (completely baseless) idea that I was maybe having an A with a student - at the time, I was a college professor. I read some dialogue between her and my W during the A, and she appeared to be a cheerleader for the OM.

This woman used her friendship with your wife to help encourage and perhaps facilitate the affair. She is what is called a toxic friend.

 

I think she liked the drama and juiciness of it all. Looking back, there was also something very eery to me about someone knowing something about my life that I didn't know, at the same time she's giving me a hug and welcoming me into her home for a BBQ.

This woman is not your friend. She is in fact your enemy. She enjoyed knowing more than you did about your own life and marraige, and liked seeing you in person in her home because it made her feel like an insider with your wife at your expense.

 

I don't maintain any malice towards her. I'm indifferent. She's not a part of my life. I'm not going to tell my W whether or not to be friends with her. W is a big girl. She can make that call.

This is not about your wife being a big girl or not. This is about your wife cutting off all links to the affair, and this woman is definitely such a link. During the affair, this woman was not a friend of your marriage, she was a friend to the affair and cheerleader for your wife's lover. There will be ups and downs periods in all marriages, do you want your wife to be talking to this person when you have a normal down period? When your wife says that she is going to dinner with this friend, can you trust that she is not encouraging or facilitating contact with your wife's lover? There are prices to pay when you have an affair. Your wife cutting of all contact with this woman should be one of them.

[Owl]

If your wife is indifferent to this 'friend', and knows that interaction with her triggers you, why not simply suggest to your wife that the both of you block this friend from calling/texting you?

[Sub]

Well, now I see it, is that the "friend" was cheated on in her own marriage. So, she automatically assumed that you would be cheating on your wife because apparently, "All men cheat". At least, that's probably the "friends" mindset.

 

 

Therefore, she encouraged your wife's affair as sort of a revenge affair of her own. The one she never got against her own husband. She was sure that you were cheating and thus, you probably deserved to be cheated on!

 

I've never considered this. Very interesting take, as she's currently single and hasn't had much luck in the relationship dept. since discovering her exWH's other life. I don't like to play the "she's just a bitter woman" card, but I can't argue against the possibility that there may be some of this in play.

 

There's also another layer to this, from a cultural perspective: she and my W are Latin. The GF's exWH was also Latin. OM was Latin. I am not. There's a contradiction here in that the stereotype of the Latin man is one of a player/womanizer (GF's ex). Yet I think the idea that the OM was Latin made the GF favor him in some ways.