WS's friends who were aware of the A while it was going on

[Sub]

If the friendship is dying I think just let it go. Let it die it;s natural death,

 

I feel like this is where it's headed. There's sporadic small talk from time to time, simple "Hey, how's it going?", but no hang-outs or long convo's.

[compulsivedancer]

I've never considered this. Very interesting take, as she's currently single and hasn't had much luck in the relationship dept. since discovering her exWH's other life. I don't like to play the "she's just a bitter woman" card, but I can't argue against the possibility that there may be some of this in play.

 

There's also another layer to this, from a cultural perspective: she and my W are Latin. The GF's exWH was also Latin. OM was Latin. I am not. There's a contradiction here in that the stereotype of the Latin man is one of a player/womanizer (GF's ex). Yet I think the idea that the OM was Latin made the GF favor him in some ways.

 

From what many have said on this forum, there are also some different cultural expectations regarding cheating in Latin culture. This may have played a role as well.

[Sub]

If your wife is indifferent to this 'friend', and knows that interaction with her triggers you, why not simply suggest to your wife that the both of you block this friend from calling/texting you?

 

This is a consideration. To this point, it has taken the "natural death" course mentioned before. I don't mind the occasional hello, or whatever other small talk that goes on, as I trust my W to not let it get too "deep". It's the specific nature of the texts that kind of gets me and will probably lead to further action.

[Sub]

From what many have said on this forum, there are also some different cultural expectations regarding cheating in Latin culture. This may have played a role as well.

 

True. Interestingly, my WW isn't a "typical" Latina. She can't stand cheaters, and doesn't find it acceptable in the least, even from a cultural perspective. It's part of the reason why she's contended she could never be with a Latin man. And she gets tons of heat from other Latin women for being with a gringo.

[Try]

I feel like this is where it's headed. There's sporadic small talk from time to time, simple "Hey, how's it going?", but no hang-outs or long convo's.

That may be the way that it is right now. What if it changes a few years from now? Years after the affair, after you let the friendship continue for so long, it would be much harder to take a stand to end it by then, yet the toxic friend will still not be a friend of the marraige or of you.

 

There is a big difference between this friend and someone that knew about the affair, did not want to get involved, and was passive in not telling you. This friend actively encouraged the affair, and falsely accused you of having an affair to help your wife rationalize her affair. This person was an active part of the problem, that proved to be a toxic friend and an enemy of your marriage. You may or may not choose to forgive the passive friends, but the active cheerleaders of the affair should be cut out. Do it now while you still can. The fact the friendship is at a weak stage right now, should make it that much easier for your wife to agree.

[road]

My cousin's wife encouraged her in every way.

 

 

I made it clear that, for reconciliation to happen, they each had to be cut off completely. If she wanted to retain them as friends,

 

My cousin's wife can unfortunately show up at family functions. I avoid her, she avoids me. She knows not to speak to me or my wife.

 

 

 

Does your cousin know what his wife did?

 

 

Cut off or as known as NC, no contact, means you both have to have NC with them.

 

 

I would refuse to be any where the cousins wife is. Ignoring her is not enough.

[Bittersweetie]

I told one friend about the A when I was in it. I wouldn't say she was supportive, but she also didn't talk me out of things either. So, at that time, I saw it as supportive. She didn't have any relationship with my H other than meeting him a few times.

 

After d-day, we lost contact. Some of it was after d-day I (and my H) didn't want to be in touch with someone who knew about things. Some of it was that I'd stopped working in her part of town so we just weren't in touch anymore.

 

At one point after d-day, I became angry with her for not stopping me, or pointing out to me what I was doing. Then I realized (pointed out by someone on this board, actually) that was me deflecting blame. It wasn't her job to police me; just as it isn't my husband.

 

It's been over four years since I've talked with her. Sometimes I feel like I should apologize to her for putting her in the situation I did. But I don't want to invite any more drama...I think she may have liked the drama of what I was doing. I have a newer set of friends now that are great and my husband knows as well.

 

I'd agree that if the friendship is already dying, then just let it go. If it becomes an issue in the future you can address it then.

[Davey L]

This woman is not your friend. If you thought she was your friend before, well, she has betrayed the friendship like your wife betrayed the marriage.

 

 

In your position I would want nothing more to do with her. I would not see her or speak to her again.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure how relevant this story is to your saga but I want to share it with you nonetheless.

 

In my youth I was dating my first love and my first "real" GF. Her bestie (I'll call M) ran around with us all the time we did a lot of things together for an entire summer.

 

M dated and had the big time hots for one of my newest friends and I helped her a lot during their ups and downs and was there for her with the box of Kleenex and the shoulder to cry on when they finally split.

 

I thought she and I were good friends.

 

Some months passed and things were getting strained between my GF and I. Then one day I get a phone call and informed by my GF that she had been seeing this other guy behind my back and she basically said that she was going to continue seeing him and "see where things go."

 

I was devastated but the blow that really put me over was I found out that M had set her up with this guy and that he was a buddy of M' s New BF. The 4 of them would go out and M was completely supporting their R.

 

Eventually my GF and OM stopped seeing each other and we got back together for awhile (big mistake on my part but I thought that I had "won" at that time)

 

I forgave my GF an we moved on for awhile but I never got over my resentment of M.

 

In time GF and I split up and went our separate ways pretty amicably.

 

Today 30 years later I harbor know resentment or bitterness towards my old GF. We are friends on Facebook and occasionally say hi.

 

I to this day though hold some disdain towards M. I don't have any actual anger anymore but I wouldn't have anything to do with her if I were to cross paths with her.

 

In some ways I think what she did was more crumby to me than what my GF did.

 

Maybe that's unfair and maybe my feelings are unfounded, but I felt more betrayed by M than I did my GF who did the actual cheating.

[Timmos]

Does your cousin know what his wife did?

 

 

Cut off or as known as NC, no contact, means you both have to have NC with them.

 

 

I would refuse to be any where the cousins wife is. Ignoring her is not enough.

 

He does as of last week. It made for an incredibly awkward family reunion.

[road]

He does as of last week. It made for an incredibly awkward family reunion.

 

 

 

How did he find out?

 

 

It has to make him wonder that if his wife supported your WW having an affair that she is likely to cheat or already has on your cousin.

[Timmos]

How did he find out?

 

 

It has to make him wonder that if his wife supported your WW having an affair that she is likely to cheat or already has on your cousin.

 

I sat him down and told him. As for her having an affair - all I know is that she has been very willing to. I am pretty certain he knows of this.

 

Are we a bit OT? Not that I mind, but I don't want to steal the thread from the OP.

[BrokenPrincess]

Id just let the friendship die out.

 

As a MOW, I've put a friend in this position by confiding in her about my A after it ended & I was so devastated, I just didn't know what to do. Although she's now also harboring the secret from my H, she has maintained a very pro-M stance, being empathetic to my pain but pushing me for absolute NC, eliminating xMM from my life, helping me find an IC, dishing out some "tough love" etc.

[Scorpio Chick]

This "friend" of your wife's (trust me, she would stab your wife in the back just to get an earful of drama and juicy info on someone) is a type of person, especially FEMALE that is rampant today.

 

I used to like people as a whole. I don't anymore. Because of women like your wife's past co-worker. And to text her to tell you Happy Father's Day. Gee, how far can we carry on with our hypocrisy? I shake my head fifty times a day now because of this kind of s--t.

 

I saw some married woman post a lecture on FB, seemingly boldly admonishing people she knew who she knew were involved in affairs, EA, etc.. etc... and how she would never dream of cheating on her husband. But if you looked at her profile pictures? She poses close up selfies at a downward angle, full cleavage in complete view, not smiling, but mouth open, basically VERY sexy looking profile pictures. Please. I can't take all the hypocrisy of people much more. The hermit life is looking better and better by the day.