My Best Friend Is Drifting? Why?

[Butterfly28]

I've been best friends with this girl since I was 17. When we were younger, we had an excellent bond. We'd go out, we'd party, we really cared and loved each other, seen our worst times and our best times. As we got older, both of us had priorities in our life, I still tried to maintain contact, she bought a motorcycle, met new friends, had new boyfriends, as did I....

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she doesn't have time for me anymore. She had been single for about 2 years. All she did was ride her motorcycle. She'd never call, she'd only email. I guess she figured that was enough. Every time I'd ask her to do stuff she was always "busy". She'd always say she "misses me" and will "see me soon" but never initiated any plans to do so.

 

Now she has a bf. The same thing is still happening. She claims how happy she is, and how amazing this person is. I have yet to meet him, and it's been 3 months. She STILL doesn't ask me to do anything. I KNOW she doesn't spend every breathing moment with him, yet she never has time for me. She rarely returns my phone calls either.

I have been with the love of my life for 6 months, and made an effort to be more active in our friendship. To initiate the plans, invite her out, I've seen her ONCE since the Christmas holidays.

 

My current boyfriend doesn't respect her for this because he believes she is just brushing me off for no reason. I haven't done anything to her at all. I've always been loyal to her. He doesn't think I should be putting in all this effort to see her, talk to her, if she can't do the same.

 

It's hard letting go of someone who knows you so well. Or so I thought.

 

Sorry for the long post. I needed to get this off my chest.

 

Any thoughts?

[tattoomytoe]

unfortunately friends grow apart and go separate directions too. her more so than you it seems.

 

i would just let her know that you love and care for her, and feel hurt that she seems not to care aboput you anymore. i would add that she has your contact info, if she wants to call.

 

but i have some good friends that basically became aquaintences, i usually just email and check in with these friends.

[Reactant]

I know exactly how u feel.

I had a best friend in grade 8. We were really close and could sometimes predict exactly what the other one would say. A year after graduation he moved and never returned my calls. I doubt he suddenly hates me. I think he wants to move on. Quiet stupid to suddenly decide it and never mention it to the other party. Or maybe I didnt pick up on his clues and never suspected what was to become.

 

Is that all there is to it in this friendship thing?

 

Hello, I m so-one-so. Lets be friends so both of our needs of being socially adequate are met until one of us leave to meet another group of losers?

[SuperFantastico]

Thing is we dont live in little villages anymore. The world has become a very very

big place with 6 billion other people. You cant keep track of everyone you've met

and people just plain change. And when you've both changed or only one has

changed enough, then thats it.

 

It goes back to kindergarden. You cant fit a square block into a triangle hole.

[Butterfly28]

I've been told by many that if there wasn't a "falling out" and I still keep intouch every now and then (via emai), and we're not talking picking up the phone here, because she doesn't even do that anymore...then I should just accept it.

 

What I interpret from that is if she still says she cares/loves and "misses" me and then doesn't initiate a "get-together" or a night out for dinner etc..etc.. despite her busy life....then that's ok? How is that ok? I thought if you were "best friends" and you felt all those things that at least a PHONE CALL every now and then is better than NOTHING and basically backs up the "I miss you/care for you/love you as my sister" schpeels?

 

I get only emails. There will be spurts of weeks at a time where I get nothing at all.

 

Ya - she's got a new beau. But so do I. I've learned never to forget your friends.

 

Ya - she's got a motorcycle, and I don't. She works Downtown Toronto in the CORPORATE fast-paced world, but ok...so do I. I've STILL learned from that to never forget your friends.

 

YET there IS NO explanation of why we've drifted. I feel I DESERVE to know SOMETHING --- ANYTHING as to why we ended up this way.

 

Part of the makeup of my personality would be non-existent if it hadn't been for her being in my life and us being so close and bonding together in my early 20's.

 

I miss her alot. But I'm tired of putting in all the effort to "rekindle" our friendship. Maybe it's wishful thinking what I'm going through?

 

I know some people come in your life for a reason,season or lifetime. I wish this didn't have to apply to me.

 

Any more thoughts?

[Butterfly28]

I'm beginning to think that this relationship is a dead end.

 

I haven't recieved any emails, still not so much as a phone call. I feel like I'm still putting in all the effort.

 

The thing is - nothing went wrong. There was no fight or disagreement. She's met someone and makes up excuses as to why I can't meet him, she claims "she's still getting to know him", but yet, "she is so inlove and happy with him"...well why not share that happiness with your best friend? Isn't that what best friends do?

 

I shared my happiness with her!?!?!

 

I almost feel like I want to email her and tell her that this friendship is basically NOTHING anymore. It hurts every day. I know people drift apart, but doesn't that have to be with a reason??? She says all these things like, "I miss you" or "we'll see each other soon", but it's like a cover up. She never follows through with what she says. She says one thing, and it means something else.

 

My boyfriend had asked me the other day if I had heard from her, and my heart sank when he asked me. I hadn't really given it any thought, but when I did, it just made me feel so sad.

 

He says when she calls not to answer, or when she emails not to reply. To give her a taste of her medicine - but that's what I don't want. I WANT her to put in the effort. He says that I shouldn't be so forgiving and putting in all the effort. He says it only takes a minute for an email, it only takes a minute for a simple "HI" in a phone call. He claims she can't be bothered. He's right.....

 

I'm just rambling...I'm so confused right now...

 

HELP!

[Bubbles]

Butterfly28,

 

I say send her an e-mail asking her to explain. What have you got to loose? I posted just a few short weeks ago "I got punked off for a dog" My best friend told me (after I asked her flat out) that she does'nt want to hang with me any longer because she cannot bring her dog to my house.

 

I was very, very, very mad-hurt-upset-degraded. But then I started thinking to myself.......WHO CARES!?! If that is the type of person that she really is deep down inside? Who needs her? I thought it was a very lame excuse. But you know what?

 

People come into our lives for:

 

A Reason....A Season...or...A Lifetime. It is up to us to decide which category our new friends fall into.

 

bubbles

[Butterfly28]

Thanks for your feedback Bubbles.

 

You are right. My bf says the same thing. She was just such a big part of my life, and for her to turn her back on me - makes me think - what kind of a friend is she anyway?

 

On a more soft-hearted note, I am heartbroken. It sucks losing a friend for no reason. It really does. Especially after 10-11 years of knowing her.

[Bubbles]

You are welcome Butterfly28.

 

I know it hurts. It's just like a death.....an unexpected death. Hang out with us on Loveshack!

 

We'll make you feel better Promise

 

bubbles

[Bronzepen]

Friends come and go.

 

It hurts when it's someone really close to you.

 

If she is the friend that you say she is then I don't think she meant to hurt you. Leave it at that.

 

Just remember the good times and never forget her. Always leave the door open because no bridges have been burned.

[Oddex]

Feeling the loss of a cherished friendship sucks. It hurts deeply.

 

From your post I see that you are maybe alot like I am in my friendships. We are the type that cherish our friendships enough to put them as a very high priority factor on our list of priorities in life. Alot of people say they do this but most of them say it and think saying it is enough and refuse to face deep down they are living as if practicing it is an inconvenience.

 

Reading your post brings me back to the several times when I felt the same pain. But the pain did lessen over time. And I made new friends. And lost some of them too. And so the cycle of life went for many years and continues as I get older still. You lose touch with others, but if you are willing to open yourself up again it comes back somehow.

 

For whatever reason, your best friend is not including you in her lifestyle. But don't let that cause you bitterness.

 

One surprising day she might come-around seeking to connect with you. If that day comes and you are too hurt to respond, it will only cause more distance.

 

As others have said, leave yourself open. If there was no falling out, don't let your thoughts go in a direction where it will cause one. If she says she misses you, take it for face value and seek new sources for the warmth and bonding you miss. The long talks, the total familiarity - it might be out there again and if you find it that doesn't make you a bad friend to her. One of the greatest beauties of friendships is that you can remain committed to a friendship while continuing to make new ones.

 

The hurt is painful but you have done what you possibly can to connect. Therefore, redirect the efforts and find ways to connect with others that are close to home, so to speak. I know it's harder than it sounds but it's all you can do.

 

Any way, this is all just IMHO but also coming from experiences. Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for you both.

[Butterfly28]

Well I finally spoke to her about our friendship tonight.

 

Actually, what prompted our conversation is the fact that I had lost my job today.

 

I sent out an email to all my friends letting them know what happened and not to respond back to the company email.

 

She was one of the people I emailed (naturally)

 

It felt so good to hear from her this evening. After talking to her about my job situation or lack thereof, I broke down and cried. I told her how much I missed her and how I am still trying to keep the lines of communication open and it's hard for me to fathom that we don't really see each other.

 

Her voice of reasoning was this - She says:

 

"We've been this way for the last 2 years. On and off we see each other and talk to each other but we still have that bond no matter where we are in our life..etc..etc. Don't you ever forget that".

 

Then she proceeded to tell me how proud she was of me trying to go back to school, etc. How happy she was in her life, glad to see I was happy (with my personal life that is)..and just shared a few words of encouragement.

 

That provided alot of insight on our friendship. The fact that she reached out her hand to me, and listened to what I had to say, really felt good.

 

I guess I should maintain those lines of communication between us, and learn to accept that whether near or far, we'll always be best friends.

[Oddex]

That's great news about your friend and ya know, that is the other beautiful thing about friendships. When something goes wrong and they are there it means they care.

 

Sorry about your job.

 

Best of luck.

[Butterfly28]

This evening I met with my best friend for dinner.

 

I must say, that in the 10-11 yrs that I have known her, I finally was able to tell her how I feel about this ongoing situation. The conversation at times got a bit heated, however we were able to say things to each other that neither of us ever dreamed we could say.

 

A HUMUNGOUS WEIGHT NONETHELESS - has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I finally now understand who she is, and have learned to live with the fact that we have grown apart, and this whole facade of a "friendship" that she finds acceptable, isn't acceptable to me, and I feel forced to accept it.

 

When I met my bf, I was at my height of happiness. I had connected with him like no other, and I wanted to start spending more time with my best friend because I felt I wanted to share my happiness with her. For the last 2-3 years we hadnt maintained alot of contact. I felt that I was at a point in my life where I wanted more out of our friendship to make up for lost times.

 

She is also at a great turning point in her life. She has met someone whom she feels is her soulmate. Even only after a few months of being with him. Fine. To each his own. Who am I to say! My point being, when she is with someone, she only focuses on them. She has always been this way. She tends to put her friends on the back burner. THAT PART OF IT IS FINE. I UNDERSTAND THAT PART. But she COMPLETELY shuts them out. THAT is the problem I have.

 

We go from being best friends in our young 20's

To drifting in our later 20's - which I have accepted.

 

She feels now that I am PRESSURING her to spend time with me. WHY IS IT PRESSURE to her if she claims she CONNECTS with me so much and CLAIMS to be such a BEST FRIEND TO ME? She thinks that calling her out for coffee every now and then (and I mean once every few months)- IS ASKING TOO MUCH??? I DON'T GET IT! That hurt me so much to think that she finds that acceptable.

 

I truly think she can't be bothered anymore. She basically says, "This is my life now, and I am going for the gold with this bf I have, and I respected your space these past 2-3 years, and all I'm asking for is mine (which I have always given her)" - WELL WHAT IS WRONG WITH MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS ALONG THE WAY!?!?! I am not stopping her from "going for the gold". I didn't do anything to her. I have always been the same person to her as when we were younger. Yes, I have branched out too, and made a life for myself, but I have never forgotten my friends.

 

I have really come to the conclusion that this friendship will basically fizzle out.

 

I don't feel that being a friend to someone is *always* a "2 way street". But I do feel it is give and take. Just like a bf/gf relationship.

 

Yes, while she has every right to build a personal relationship with this guy, I think by shutting everyone else out along the way - is wrong. That's exactly how I see it.

 

So, I have made the conscious decision to walk away from this friendship slowly but surely. I am not gaining anything out of having my best friend settle for the odd email, but REFUSES (not in those exact words - but close enough) to have an occasional monthly (or quarterly) coffee with me.

 

I am doing this because I love her, and respect her wishes.

 

Am I right for doing this???

 

Why should I stay?

[Bubbles]

Butterfly28,

 

I think you and I should start hanging! Both of our best friends have made a conscious decision to walk away from us for no good reason at all. It's a shame really. It's amazing how few "good" people there are left on this earth huh?

 

Don't fret over it honey....we'll both find new and fun friends to hang out with

 

bubbles

[Butterfly28]

I woke up this morning feeling kinda empty.

 

I spoke with my bf last night, and he sees this as my best friend failing me. When I needed her most (like now) - she can't be there.

 

I can't believe that. It really really sucks.

 

I find it kinda selfish, actually.

[Bubbles]

You have every right to feel bad. Holy Cow......you just got told by your best friend (or so you thought) that she does'nt really want to hang with you any longer. C'mon now. I am still feeling bad and I have not spoken to my ex-best friend in 5 weeks. I know how you feel. yes, it's a lonely feeling but..........we will be alright. We are strong and we will carry on without them.

 

They Loose!

 

bubbles

[Butterfly28]

Thank you Bubbles. At least I have someone like you who knows exactly how it feels.

[Bubbles]

You're welcome......you know what they say?

 

Birds of a feather.......stick together!

 

bubbles