My wife cheated, I'm in ruins

[Trustnoone]

Wait...wait.... you know that the twins are not yours biologically? So, is the OM the biological father? Or did you adopt or go to a sperm bank? what's the deal?

 

 

Yes, OM is the father. Chi townD I have read many posts of yours on various threads. I respect what you posted on those threads. Adoption was discussed before the affair. We never discussed a sperm bank though.

[Trustnoone]

To my mind they're your kids if you bring them up - anybody can get a woman pregnant but to bring up two good boys takes real work. The man that brings them up is more the father than the one that slipped her the seed.

 

 

I'm fortunate, I know my girls aren't biologically mine but there was no deception involved, and now I truly think of them as my own, and they of me as their father.

 

 

I advised a friend who had doubts on parentage of his kids and wanted a DNA test to think through what he would do when he knew the result, whatever the outcome. If they weren't biologically his, would he turn his back on the children that looked upon him as their father? He didn't have the test in the end.

 

Davey L

 

Thanks for this, it gives me hope that I will succeed in raising my boys. You have actually made me smile!

[Trustnoone]

Yeah, the stats aren't good for men that discover that the kids aren't biologically theirs especially of they're young. It makes it difficult to bond with the kids and it's a constant reminder of the betrayal that was done to them. And that's not fair to the kids.

 

Actually I bonded with the boys tonight playing with hot wheels for over an hour on the floor tonight! Had a blast! Then chased them with a dinosaur all over the house. The boys and I will be fine tomorrow night we get to cut the grass which they love because they each get an hour long tractor ride. The boys are simply awesome!

[Trustnoone]

Keep venting, i know that is what you came to do.

 

You deserve a lot of respect for taking care of the kids... I am assuming the post-nup is taking care of all the legal stuff as you said "one chance" SO i think you have your bases covered to back your reasons for staying with her and taking care of her kids.

 

I sit here and try to imagine the pain like that especially not being able to have your own kids.... I ... have nothing to offer but a hug of support and wish you the best.

 

Alteides

 

Thanks for the kind words! Post nup almost completed and all bases covered. The only base not covered is the WW. It is in her hands now to be what she says she can be. She will do what she wants and I am powerless if she wishes to have an affair again. She is a grown woman who needs to make between choices obviously. I accept that. Compulsivedancer is a great example for my WW and living proof people can change. But someone has to give them that chance. Thank you for the support hug, much appreciated!

[Trustnoone]

He's already stated he is NOT the bio father.

 

 

Since you stated that you will never get divorced - what is it you plan to do to improve your marriage?

 

What is your W willing to do to repair this awful damage she's done?

 

2sunny

 

Not never divorce, she is being given one chance. I will not divorce her until she destroys her one chance. As for what is she willing to do? Shortest answer, anything. She is doing all she possibly can. MC, owning her affair, no trickle truth, no blame shifting, recognizing my triggers, making me feel safe, massive communication. She is working hard. I will give her one chance.

[2sunny]

2sunny

 

Not never divorce, she is being given one chance. I will not divorce her until she destroys her one chance. As for what is she willing to do? Shortest answer, anything. She is doing all she possibly can. MC, owning her affair, no trickle truth, no blame shifting, recognizing my triggers, making me feel safe, massive communication. She is working hard. I will give her one chance.

 

Ok then, I hope she signs your document right away!

[Trustnoone]

OP,

 

I feel for you. I would never tolerate infidelity. I apologize, but find your decision to remain in the marriage tragic, not heroic. These children, not yours, you wanting to remain their father, admirable, but your idealistic explanation is peculiar to me. Your "we're all human and make mistakes" explanation is both appreciated and dangerous for those who have a difficult time getting out of relationships that are not healthy. Your wife's affair was not A mistake...deliberate, premeditated and orchestrated to last a duration of one destructive act after another. Good luck.

 

soccerrprp,

 

I respect your position on infidelity. However we are all human beings and human beings are wrong and make bad choices. Yes she perfected a perfect storm and when the storm ended debris was everywhere. Giving her one chance is not tragic, nor heroic. Grace given by me allows her one chance. Hero? The only hero I would want to be is to my boys. My father was my hero, hopefully I'll be theirs. I don't wear tights and a cape, I wear jeans and a t-shirt. These boys are innocent, they didn't ask for this and I don't either. I refuse to let these beautiful boys suffer because I turned my back.

[Trustnoone]

Problem is what if the biofather wants to get involved with the kids?

 

tom670,

 

I can't comment too much on this at this time but it is being addressed. It's the talks with the boys when they get older I'm more nervous about. Preparing for when I come to that bridge but it will hurt walking over it. Thanks for your insight.

[Trustnoone]

What if the kids want a relationship with their biological father?

 

Eventually, the truth is going to come out and they are going to know. How will the kids feel about the adults in the situation then? Their mother? The OP? The biological father?

 

I don't think the OP staying benefits anyone but him. Temporarily, at least. Trying to play hero to these kids is not going to make this situation any better.

 

MidKnightDreams

 

The boys will be told when they are older. If it is revealed I will deal with it. I haven't run away from any problem, person or anything in my life. I'm too set in my ways to run now. As far as staying for benefits you made me chuckle! Playing hero. Now I laugh out loud. I love my wife never stopped. I love my boys never stopped. I didn't post on this forum so folks could blow air under my skirt to make me feel good. I have my reasons for doing what I'm doing. You approval isn't needed nor desired. I respect your opinion but when you post I'm trying to play hero, I'm amazed. Where will the boys be without a father? Where will the boys be when they aren't given a chance? Maybe I should let society raise them and put them on welfare, public housing, whatever. So giving the boys a chance makes me hero? Far from it. All kids deserve a chance, and if more people acted this way I wouldn't be so busy at work. But every day I see people turn their backs and walk away. That's not who I am. Thank you for your post.

[aliveagain]

I am the closest to your currant scenario, deja vu, but you have not responded to my posts. What are you going to do about other man and his rights, what does your wayward wife want to do about his rights? What are you doing about other mans family medical history? Does he know he is the father of your wife's children? Will you eventually tell your children the truth as to who their biological father is? Your a much better man than me because I couldn't allow a woman that has caused that much betrayal in my life back into it. I guess she's learned her lesson.

[tom670]

Sigh...

I wish you the best but do you want to be the prison warden constantly wondering where she is and what she is doing?

And then she divorces you and you are paying child support while she screws around with om and others.

You might have PTSD after all this PLEASE think this through.

[Trustnoone]

Trustnoone, I'm deeply touched not only by your story but also by the way you wrote it. It seems those little boys are very fortunate to have you as their father. Wishing you the best with them and also with recreating your marriage, if you choose to continue to do so.

 

Speakingofwhich,

 

Thank you for your support! It took me a while to get to this point of sharing my story. My pain was real, emotions scattered, and half the time I walked around in a daze. MC the last three weeks has been very beneficial. I have started to turn the corner so to speak with acceptance. I will say I struggled each day for the last thirteen months. I believe I am the fortunate one to have the boys. They are now two and a half and their personalities are shining through. It's so amazing to see them interact with each other. I do see that in a few years I will be sitting in the principals office again. I thought those days were over!

[Trustnoone]

Has your W had any communication with her OM?

 

Does the OM's wife know the twins are his? Does the OM have any children with his wife?

 

2sunny

 

No communication

Yes, I told her. Probably why she won't speak to me.

Yes, two or three, I didn't know him very well and well I'm not going to call him to find out if it is two or three! OM occupied too much of my thoughts in the beginning and I have pretty much got him out of my mind. WW hates him! She is actually indifferent to him. Now if I see him walking down the street and I'm driving, I may drop my cell phone and...

[Trustnoone]

I am the closest to your currant scenario, deja vu, but you have not responded to my posts. What are you going to do about other man and his rights, what does your wayward wife want to do about his rights? What are you doing about other mans family medical history? Does he know he is the father of your wife's children? Will you eventually tell your children the truth as to who their biological father is? Your a much better man than me because I couldn't allow a woman that has caused that much betrayal in my life back into it. I guess she's learned her lesson.

 

Aliveagain

 

I am not dodging your post(s). I have actually taken them in the order I got them. I have not read your story but I will search your username to get up to speed. I can't say much on this (advice of a certain someone) but it is being addressed. I have made concessions in exchange for what you listed. Not money but legal action I could have taken against him. WW and I agree him going on vacation I can say would be best. As I said I can't say much, so with that I will stop here.

Divorce is off the table until she destroys her one chance. After that if she destroys this chance it's divorce full steam ahead. I haven't exactly been Opie. Taylor to her! I will reply to your other posts tomorrow. Thank you for posting and for the advice.

[tom670]

Trust it takes b@lls to do what you are doing.

Trust but verify.

[2sunny]

I think your being very strong - not in ruins.

 

Keep moving forward. I think the action you've taken is great.

 

Your healthy boundary is intact - which is good.

 

Keep up the good work.

[revelations]

Well Trustnoone I must say that your situation really sucks. It is awesome that you are trying to do the right thing even thought it is costing you a high price. However that is the trouble, by trying to do the right thing and be the honest guy most other people will see that as a weakness. They will try to use your own character against you and take advantage of you. You know this already, hell your WW has been dong this to you. As you have probably read from my other posts I am usually not one that advocates staying with a WW. However I do understand that you have your reason, so of course I wish the best for you.

 

Do not forget that once your kids are 18yrs old you are probably free. Hopefully you have a good post-nup so that you can walk away without risk of loosing everything you have worked for. I know that this may be some years away, however by saving and preparing now you can improve your life in the future. You may want to just stay with your WW and that is okay. However wouldn't it be a nice feeling knowing that you can just walk away from her anytime you choose? Imagine your WW coming home from a weekend away to find the locks changed and her stuff in storage or finding out that you are just gone. Yes these are options for you my friend and I would not blame you one bit if you chose to use these option or other ones similar. Well you may not want to choose that path, however that is up to you. Personally I would love to see you single and retired in a place like Costa Rica enjoying the company of a couple of ladies while you are fishing and your WW is wondering "where have all the good men gone".

[SammySammy]

What about the father of these kids? Have you informed him that he's the father? What role will he play in their lives? Will he pay child support?

[Hope Shimmers]

I am so sorry - your story is one of the saddest I have ever read here.

 

But it just could get sadder. It seems to me that you are choosing to ignore your wife's affair because you now have these two sons to focus on. Maybe I'm wrong but that is what I have gotten your posts so far.

 

You could be so, so, SO putting yourself in danger because these boys are NOT your sons - they are biologically the OM's sons. All he has to do is claim them and then you are done - depending on what your wife does. If you want to raise these boys as your own then you need to get it legal and that does NOT mean assuming that the OM will never find out. If he was never told and he finds out later he will almost always have the power to come into your lives at any point and take over. How horrible would that be in five years? Ten?

 

I'm sorry. I feel like you are living in a dream world here.

[fellini]

Well done Trustnoone:

 

It seems you have things more or less under control.

 

Obviously some people don't get, or like, that the future is in most ways unwritten, so we don't need to throw out the babies with the bath water just because we cannot guarantee our future.

 

What you do today is what defines the future, not running away and avoiding the unpleasantness of not knowing for sure what the outcome will be.

 

I take it from your several posts that you are step by step covering your cards as much as legally possible,. There is not much else one can do.

 

As for you WS, I fully understand, you love her, always did, and now it's up to her to find her way back. Good luck with that. I have done the same. And like you, I have made it very clear: if she slips up ever again it's over. No pre-nupt for me. It's over. She knows, as I know, that ending this marriage will not benefit me in any way financially. We both know it would hurt me more in terms of financial stability. But she also knows that I am not afraid to walk.

 

During the nearly one year that my WS was really involved with her AP my relationship with my daughter went from very good to Fantastic. This is something my WS saw clearly, that her daughter no longer expected much from her and put all her faith in her father. So I have the additional comfort of knowing that my WS knows that another slip up will mean crushing her only child a second time (we told her some things about why we did a one month structured separation) and that this will not fair well for her in her liftetime - nothing to do with our marriage, but our sense of family.

 

You have a lot on your plate, you have put a lot of your world in one post, and it's hard to sort through what you are looking for and what you don't know about, and what you are already past.

 

Wishing you luck. We are only human is not a cop out. It's what it is.

[Hope Shimmers]

"We are only human" may not be a cop-out, but in some cases it just isn't an excuse for that kind of hurtful and atrocious behavior. That is just my opinion though - clearly not everyone agrees.

 

If I missed the parts in your posts where you said you were getting OM to legally relinquish custody, I really apologize. My concern was that you or boys would be hurt, as it seems that OM would - if he is a typical man - go through life progressively regretting giving up his kids. But if he has no stand legally until they are 18 that is good. I wish you the best and apologize if I misunderstood your posts.

[Trustnoone]

I don't know if I could trust her ever again. This is a big decision think long and hard about this please.

 

Tom670,

 

A big decision is an understatement. I have thought long and hard on every option available to me. I have not made any decision while angry, every decision is thought out rationally with my best interest and the kids best interest in mind. The route I'm traveling I probably wouldn't recommend to anyone, not to say I'm wrong but it is going to be hard.

[Trustnoone]

Yeah, this doesn't make unexcusable behavior acceptable. Hitler was a human being too, but it doesn't mean that you have to necessarily forgive him.

 

This said, I admire the OP for his willingness to accept the unacceptable for the sake of two innocent kids, but I hope he knows that he must be sure he can keep this up like that forever or it will be far worse than walking away now.

You said the situation made you feel suicidal, are you sure you can be these kids' rock for the rest of your life?

 

Italianjob,

 

Not poking fun at you but my WW is Italian!! How ironic with your username. Seriously, it is well documented that Hitler suffered from psychological disorders. But he was human. Nobody is perfect. What WW did shook me to my very core when I didn't believe I could be hit that hard. I thought I had seen just about everything, I couldn't have been any more wrong.

 

Suicidal, I question that to this day. I had lost all hope and the will to live. That being said I was suicidal. I would not take action to kill myself, so not suicidal. I did contact my MC when I was my most vulnerable, and she did not commit me. More or less I lost the will to live but won't take action to die. I was stuck in a dark room for 13 months. During this time I won awards at work and raised the boys. Nobody has expressed that they had any knowledge of me being suicidal.

 

I will be a father the boys can depend on. I will be there for them without question.

[Trustnoone]

Friend, if divorce is off the table and she knows that what makes you think she will sign a post nup? There is no consequence for her, other man can apply to the courts to get access to his children, he's in your life forever with you paying to raise his children. I went through this very scenario, I raised my son until I found out about her 2 year affair, DNA test proved he wasn't mine, I was with him for most of the first year of his life. I chose divorce, no way would I allow the other man to be in my life. Other man needs to be acknowledged for his family medical history and for potential medical emergencies that may require a bone marrow or organ match. You can't cut him out of your life, imagine having to invite him to their wedding that your probably going to be paying for.

 

Talk to a lawyer about adoption if you really refuse to divorce, I don't think there is any other way to keep him away. Even then your children may decide they want him in their lives when they are old enouggh to know the truth. Your in for a world of hurt and if divorce is off the table the post nup may not be enough of a deterrent, all she needs to do is find richer affair partners.

 

 

Aliveagain,

 

This is being addressed at the moment. I can't say much about this but I will say what you wrote is being worked on. I am confident as is my counsel I will get the terms I want. To get what I want I am also giving concessions legally. I am so sorry for what you had to deal with. It is a very deep betrayal and we all seek an avenue to recovery. I applaud you that you had the strength to divorce but I believe I have the strength to reconcile. To each his own. No path is better than the other, we choose what path best fits us. Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness.

[Chi townD]

Well dude, you are in for a long and hard road ahead of you even with your WW putting in the work. You can trigger for years! I mean, you'll be fine one minute and then you'll see a TV commercial and it's going to remind you of something stupid, then the next thing you know, your connecting it with her affair and you get upset and angry as hell. She's going to have to know that AND deal with that for a long, long time.

 

 

Basically, you're on a roller coaster of emotions and no one knows how long that coaster ride is going to take. Question is, will she be willing to ride it with you for the duration?

 

 

I can't even speculate how hard it is for you especially with kids involved. I have a feeling that if you were clueless to the affair , she was well on her way to letting those kids pass off as being yours. But, I want you to know, that what she did to you and what she did to the marriage wasn't those kids fault, they are completely innocent in this. So, always keep that in mind.

 

 

I've used this analogy before and I don't know if you ever read in someone else's threads but it might be worth it for you to read it and maybe get some perspective from it.

 

 

A relationship and a marriage is like building a house together. The first time you met her and took her out on your first date was the day you poured the foundation to this house. And everyday after that, you two built a little more brick by brick and shingle by shingle. Sometimes couples have a different idea of how this house should look and they can't agree on the direction it should go, so they break up and abandon the house they were working on. But, some couples continue to build the house with an engagement, and even more with a marriage and build a little more with kids coming into the picture and you discover that the two of you built a pretty nice house together.

 

 

Then, one day, she took a wrecking ball to it and completely destroyed the house that the two of you built together and now the two of you are standing at the wreckage. A lot of couples would look at this and say, "Nope, too much damage has been done." and they walk away. But SOME couples are able to look past the wreckage in front of them and discover that the foundation is still good. And they start to re-build. Brick by brick and shingle by shingle.

 

 

Now, the house that was there before is gone and is never coming back (i.e. your old marriage) and the new house that you build will look completely different than the one that was there before. You can't make it look identical to the one that was there before. And building this new house is going to be more difficult because you have to shift through and remove the wreckage in order to lay down new bricks and shingles. But sometimes the new house can be even better than the old house. But it's going to take a lot of work, a lot of blood sweat and tears to get there.

 

 

Question is, is she willing to put in the work?