My wife cheated, I'm in ruins

[Trustnoone]

Who is your marriage counselor - a priest/nun/pastor or whatever? I can understand this kind of "advice" if you are in some kind of religious MC - but it is incredibly unprofessional - maybe even criminal - for a MC to suggest just trusting jesus or whatever other god you believe in to just take over your life. Really, I think it's malpractice for sure and would likely get any real counselor barred by the board that oversees the conduct of counselors in your state. I guess this is your problem to deal with so you do what you want. Let me know how jesus does handling your life for you.

 

Others will, and do, say how strong you are to try to reconcile with a WW who - along with cheating on you for god knows how long - came up pregnant with another man's child(s) and brought them home for you to raise. Look up cuckolding. And now you get to see these innocents and experience this massive trigger every day for the rest of your life. Of course its not the children's fault - it's their mothers fault. They didn't deserve to be born into this situation but her callus disregard for her wedding vows and selfish, sexual desire for another man has dealt them a lousy hand that they have to play for the rest of their lives.

 

I don't think you show any strength at all. I see at as such incredible weakness of character that you are paralyzed by the fear of losing your wife - the person who betrayed you and has caused this whole, disgusting mess. Maybe whatever it is inside you that allows yourself to be treated worse then dirt will help with your "reconciliation" or whatever you want to call it. Safe and happy in your martyrdom you just might be ok. Whatever happens from here on I beg you to put the welfare of those innocent babies over either of your needs. Maybe that means you divorcing her so she can find another man to raise them. At least that man will know the score going in. For him, the kids will not trigger memories of the affair, their cheating mother, and their bio father - her OM. If you stay you cannot predict if or when you are going to face all of these facts and explode or have a breakdown or whatever. The longer you are "daddy" to the kids the more painful and difficult it would be if you finally decide you don't want to live with your WW. I'd be interested to know what your MC thinks of this scenario.

 

Drifter777

 

The part of surrendering came after session when we were having a conversation. But I know you'll kick this around for another ten pages. I'll probably be banned after this post as my posts are monitored for a bad choice I made on another thread. Hopefully William let this go as drifter is disrespectful and I should be allowed to respond in the same way. Drifter this is unreal o your part. Are you that much of a manipulator that you try to get me to do what you want me to do? I'm laughing at this post! I didn't come here to hear people say any compliments about me at all! If you say I'm strong, weak, stupid I could care less! I'm here for what I said in an earlier post, nothing more. But, because I don't do what you want you get more and more aggressive with your response. I didn't ask for you to respond at all. I did thank you though.

[Trustnoone]

Trust...I don't have an issue with your decision. First off...it's yours and yours alone to make. It's not anyone else's business. Secondly...you seem to recognize what you're signing up for.

 

You've done your homework, you've made your decisions, and you stand by them. You've got a plan to proceed.

 

Nothing but respect for you, my friend. That is how things get done.

 

Owl,

 

Before I get banned thank you for the support. It has been cathartic for me to vent this out instead of holding it in. Very little trust in WW at the moment so this forum was my escape. Nothing but respect back to you on this end.

[compulsivedancer]

Side note, were you and CM starting a family or are all the threads I read blending together on me? Good luck to you CD I wish you the best.

 

Not quite yet. My affair set the timeline back a little. I think I have a thread on this somewhere. Here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/451318-possible-have-kids-post-affair

 

We want to be a little further into reconciliation first. Also, kids are expensive and we're dealing with buying our first house right now. Once we have all of that in order, we'll probably start trying.

 

Thanks, btw!

[2sunny]

Owl,

 

Before I get banned thank you for the support. It has been cathartic for me to vent this out instead of holding it in. Very little trust in WW at the moment so this forum was my escape. Nothing but respect back to you on this end.

 

Very little trust in your wife right now? Why the sudden change?

[2sunny]

I wish she didn't "hate him" - that shows emotion.

 

There's that FINE line between love and hate...she has work to do. When she "feels" neutral about him - that will be progress for all.

 

Since she feels hatred - she should look at what those feelings REALLY represent. She's not being honest with herself. The one she should be mad at is herself - she can blame no one else for her own actions.

 

Just saying...

 

Do you think your W will work with the counselor on feeling completely neutral about her OM?

 

Does she realize she hates him shows she still cares enough to feel emotions toward him?

[Trustnoone]

Very little trust in your wife right now? Why the sudden change?

 

2sunny

 

Trust but verify. Has been this way since September of last year. No sudden change. My position now, same as before.

[Trustnoone]

Do you think your W will work with the counselor on feeling completely neutral about her OM?

 

Does she realize she hates him shows she still cares enough to feel emotions toward him?

 

2sunny

 

In an earlier post I said she hated him but that it is realty she feels indifferent to him. Since the divorce cheerleaders (you, drifter777) don't read and just post more divorce propaganda I'm not surprised you missed it.

 

But to amuse you and drifter more yes the therapist has worked with her on this. I'm sure though that this will come across as "criminal" also. I could give a sh-- anyway.

[2sunny]

2sunny

 

In an earlier post I said she hated him but that it is realty she feels indifferent to him. Since the divorce cheerleaders (you, drifter777) don't read and just post more divorce propaganda I'm not surprised you missed it.

 

But to amuse you and drifter more yes the therapist has worked with her on this. I'm sure though that this will come across as "criminal" also. I could give a sh-- anyway.

 

Huh? I'm not a cheerleader for you divorcing. I've already told you you've made the best out of this situation possible.

 

I looked twice for your response and didn't see your answer.

Think what you want.

 

I'm happy to hear your wife is neutral now - from your earlier posts you stated she hates him.

 

I'm not sure why you seem angry at me tonight...I was rooting for you. But I don't need a sour attitude.

 

Best wishes.

[Certhoc]

We are all human, we all make mistakes. Thing is though, naturally, we suffer consequences. You mess around with a bee hive, you get stung, no second chances. But then again,we are human and we have created something called grace to cover up our illogical decisions and empower a person over another.

 

Now in your relationship you hold the power. Because your "grace" has saved her, she owes you. Don't you believe that people shouldn't owe anything to other people?

 

You mention you believe your wife has the strength to become a woman of honor. Why didn't she have the strength to not get involved with another man? We all have the strength to do the correct thing, we just use our strength selectively. Your wife decided not to use it. She has always had the strength to select her marriage over an affair but just for her very own personal reasons, reasons you might never know even if she swears it was because this or that, she decided not to use her strength.

 

"We'll, that's something I can't control. I'll worry about what I can control" is a standard answer for questions about unpredictable outcomes. The reason of you staying to be a hero for the children is a smokescreen. We are all human, we are all selfish. You stay because you are happy. Remember happiness has no universal standard. It's very personal. For some people, this situations appears sad. For you, this situation makes you happy. And that's ok.

 

Best of luck.

Edited June 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trustnoone]

Huh? I'm not a cheerleader for you divorcing. I've already told you you've made the best out of this situation possible.

 

I looked twice for your response and didn't see your answer.

Think what you want.

 

I'm happy to hear your wife is neutral now - from your earlier posts you stated she hates him.

 

I'm not sure why you seem angry at me tonight...I was rooting for you. But I don't need a sour attitude.

 

Best wishes.

 

2sunny

 

Post 63 read my reply to YOU.

 

Huh? I'm not a cheerleader for you divorcing. I've already told you you've made the best out of this situation possible.

 

I looked twice for your response and didn't see your answer.

Think what you want.

 

I'm happy to hear your wife is neutral now - from your earlier posts you stated she hates him.

 

I'm not sure why you seem angry at me tonight...I was rooting for you. But I don't need a sour attitude.

 

Best wishes.

 

2sunny

 

I took your statement of how can I not look at her with disgust as you wanting me to divorce. Obviously I was wrong and I am man enough to apologize. I'm sorry. But yes I'm pissed, pissed at the world and some of these posters. Drifter and cervix (wrong but true). F--- it all.

Edited June 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Fearful]

Trustnoone. Sorry for your pain. I understand part of your reason for forgiving. No human is perfect, we all made mistake and it is in forgiving that we are forgiven. However, your wife action can not be equate to a mistake. She delibrately seek the OM to make her pregnant because after her miscariage, the hope of you two having a child becomes dim. When she have succeeded, she abandoned her affair with the OM out of accomplishment not due to a sense of guilt. Chances are, tomorrow if she need more children, all she needed doing is to go to the OM or any other man. The crux of the matter is that, the OM even if he have other children from his wife will never completely abandoned his children forever. At a point in time, he will appear in their life. With these kids, your WW will never be seperated from the OM. Though she is pretending to hate the OM now, the bond between them can never be broken. Worst, the children whom you are staying for will grew up and connect with their biological father and can even shift their loyalty to him after all ''blood is thicker than water''. OP, don't allow your desire for a child force you into taking unimmagineable decision. You can have your own child with another woman who will love and respects you. This woman you call your wife is not a wife. When she needed a child, she lost hope on you and God by seeking another man to do that. Immediately she achieve that, she wrote off her affair with the man. Now she needs you to provide stability and family to her children which the OM can not provide. After you have serve your usefulness, she will give you a kick, reason: ''not in love with you'', ''not happy'', ''found some one else'', ''want an open marriage''. Act fast, act fast, forgive and move on because you will never forget.

[still_an_Angel]

Trust...I don't have an issue with your decision. First off...it's yours and yours alone to make. It's not anyone else's business. Secondly...you seem to recognize what you're signing up for.

 

You've done your homework, you've made your decisions, and you stand by them. You've got a plan to proceed.

 

Nothing but respect for you, my friend. That is how things get done.

 

 

 

There are so many factors at play here for you to have made your decision. So many issues that none of us here fully understand. I'm amazed by your capacity to forgive after all this and even more by your further capacity to be the father for the boys. Nature or nurture, who can tell? Hopefully the boys will look up to the father who is there for them unconditionally, not the stranger who donated his sperm.

 

 

I wish you all the best, the world needs more people like you.

[dragon_fly_7]

I'm afraid the posters you've chosen to ignore are all being realistic and probably even experienced getting cheated on in their relationship or marriage.

 

While it's good to hear you're choosing to stay in your marriage and forgive her, be prepare to have an exit plan already in case things don't work out so that way you're not caught by surprise.

Edited June 27, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[turnera]

I'm proud of you for working through this. It takes a strong men.

 

That said, you can always do things to improve a marriage. Have you two read His Needs Her Needs together? Done the questionnaires?

[William]

As this thread has been reported a number of times, and it appears the thread starter has been responding inappropriately of late, we'll close this up and do a more thorough review.