My wife cheated, I'm in ruins

[SammySammy]

What if the kids want a relationship with their biological father?

 

Eventually, the truth is going to come out and they are going to know. How will the kids feel about the adults in the situation then? Their mother? The OP? The biological father?

 

I don't think the OP staying benefits anyone but him. Temporarily, at least. Trying to play hero to these kids is not going to make this situation any better.

[Speakingofwhich]

Trustnoone, I'm deeply touched not only by your story but also by the way you wrote it. It seems those little boys are very fortunate to have you as their father. Wishing you the best with them and also with recreating your marriage, if you choose to continue to do so.

[2sunny]

Has your W had any communication with her OM?

 

Does the OM's wife know the twins are his? Does the OM have any children with his wife?

[2sunny]

Problem is what if the biofather wants to get involved with the kids?

 

What IF the boys grew up and dated a girl - and it ended up being OM's daughter (if he has one) = that would be (could be) siblings dating each other.

[tom670]

I don't know if I could trust her ever again. This is a big decision think long and hard about this please.

[tom670]

What IF the boys grew up and dated a girl - and it ended up being OM's daughter (if he has one) = that would be (could be) siblings dating each other.

 

Half brother half sister.

[italianjob]

OP,

 

I feel for you. I would never tolerate infidelity. I apologize, but find your decision to remain in the marriage tragic, not heroic. These children, not yours, you wanting to remain their father, admirable, but your idealistic explanation is peculiar to me. Your "we're all human and make mistakes" explanation is both appreciated and dangerous for those who have a difficult time getting out of relationships that are not healthy. Your wife's affair was not A mistake...deliberate, premeditated and orchestrated to last a duration of one destructive act after another. Good luck.

 

Yeah, this doesn't make unexcusable behavior acceptable. Hitler was a human being too, but it doesn't mean that you have to necessarily forgive him.

 

This said, I admire the OP for his willingness to accept the unacceptable for the sake of two innocent kids, but I hope he knows that he must be sure he can keep this up like that forever or it will be far worse than walking away now.

You said the situation made you feel suicidal, are you sure you can be these kids' rock for the rest of your life?

[aliveagain]

Friend, if divorce is off the table and she knows that what makes you think she will sign a post nup? There is no consequence for her, other man can apply to the courts to get access to his children, he's in your life forever with you paying to raise his children. I went through this very scenario, I raised my son until I found out about her 2 year affair, DNA test proved he wasn't mine, I was with him for most of the first year of his life. I chose divorce, no way would I allow the other man to be in my life. Other man needs to be acknowledged for his family medical history and for potential medical emergencies that may require a bone marrow or organ match. You can't cut him out of your life, imagine having to invite him to their wedding that your probably going to be paying for.

 

Talk to a lawyer about adoption if you really refuse to divorce, I don't think there is any other way to keep him away. Even then your children may decide they want him in their lives when they are old enough to know the truth. Your in for a world of hurt and if divorce is off the table the post nup may not be enough of a deterrent, all she needs to do is find richer affair partners.

[compulsivedancer]

I'm going to go a little different direction with this. If your wife is willing to do the work and you want to stay, then I wish you all the best with R.

 

I am concerned that there is still such a discrepancy in your dates - does this mean she is still lying and trickle-truthing you? I'm not sure how you can move forward without her being honest and owning up to what she did. Make sure you get help with this in MC.

 

Does the OM know that he may be a father?

[aliveagain]

Just one more thought, get her to take a polygraph test with regards to the dates and length of affair. If she is still lying to you this may get you a parking lot confession. How do you know this is her first infidelity?

[bubbaganoosh]

I will not divorce. Personal reasons is all I will say.

 

I'm sorry to say this but if that's how you feel then you get what you deserve.

 

What she did is without a doubt low as you can go and if you refuse to do anything about it, then be prepared for more infidelity and you better pray to God that she can't have any more kids but can still pass on STD's

[In Like Flynn]

Just remember your wife can divorce you....get back together with the OM/Kids Bio Father....then tell the kids he's your real daddy but you will still be on the hook to pay child support. Usually up to two years of knowledge the kids aren't yours depending on state.

[Trustnoone]

Personally, I can understand why you feel that way about the children. In your case, given the long duration and the extent of the deception...I'd honestly recommend divorcing her, but treating the kids as your own. Shared custody, child support, etc...

 

But remove her from your life.

 

Owl,

 

Before I ever posted I read stories on here. You have provided sound advice for many people and I have respect for you. But I'm forging ahead with reconciliation. This is going to be a difficult road without a doubt, and the boys I consider my own. I came here and posted my story as I can't really talk to friends or family about this. My friends would never speak to her again. Families would be supporting either me or WW. That won't help us. I thank you for your input as you always seem to give great advice.

[StrongHusband]

To the TS, I feel for you. I have a similar situation and is currently in R. But if I were in your case, you should let go of your WW. End your marriage. You do not deserve a person like this treating you like dirt. And to take care of your children that possibly from the OM? The pain. These horrors can haunt you a lifetime.

[Trustnoone]

Make sure you get a lawyer's advice on this. If you feel these are your sons (even if they aren't biologically), make sure you are protected as their father. It would be so much worse to divorce her and lose the right to ever see them again.

 

Thank you for finally sharing your story.

 

Compulsivedancer,

 

I posted on one of your threads and when I saw you posted here I got nervous. I told you how I viewed your actions as protecting the OM and basically not supporting your husband. You continue to be a classy lady by your post. I also have respect for you and CM. In fact I followed your threads and you have inspired me in my reconciliation. I have protected myself legally regarding the boys. I have little fear in this area actually. I hope you continue to post on this thread as you have intelligence in reconciliation that may prove helpful to me. Good luck in your reconciliation and thank you for your input.

[Trustnoone]

Totally agreed. I meant to imply that as part of the divorce process, but kudos for making sure it got spelled out.

 

Owl,

 

Thank you. As always spot on with advice.

[Trustnoone]

I cant imagine what you are going through. I don't think I could stay and there would be no way in the world I would raise someone else's kids.

 

I understand there are much better men out there than me but I would not be able to deal with him coming around and wanting to see his kids. I would not sign any bills or anything at this point.

 

I would contact an attorney and look for the quickest divorce possible.

 

If you stay with her then you better get used to the OM being a part of your life from now on.

 

Clay

 

Clay,

 

I don't know all of your story but I will read all you have here. I have read your posts in other threads. You give level headed advice each and every time. OM is out of the picture. I can't say on this forum but he is gone. No worries there.

[Artie Lang]

well, it seems like you've decided to try and make it work. if that's what you really want, then by all means give it a shot. i do suggest that you follow through in protecting yourself(post-nup) and your assets, though. you now know that your wife is perfectly capable of betraying you in the most ultimate way.

 

does this OM know he is the real father of these children?

[morningglory]

I perfectly understand how you feel since I experienced infidelity when my partner cheated on me and went with another woman. I know it's a huge struggle of an emotional stress. I believe that you are a good man, though you don't deserve this but hold on and just have faith that rays of hope smiles at you and time comes that you will free your heart from grief and hatred and you will learn to love life in spite of everything. For now, just embrace the pain, let your heart grieve till one time you wake and it hurts no more.

 

Stop any leaning towards discouragement and self-pity. You don't have time for that. Cast all your fear on to God....

[Trustnoone]

Drifter777

 

WW conceived in January 2011 and confirmed by doctor in march 2011. Her affair is responsible for her pregnancy. I believe the affair ended in August of 2011. I don't have proof of that though (the affair). Thank you for posting. I have always liked the advice you give.

[2sunny]

I can't see why your W would be motivated to repair the damage she caused when she knows you're not going to divorce her.

 

She's got you raising two boys you didn't produce - she didn't OFFER her truth.

 

What makes you think she might start growing a conscience now - or may suddenly become an honest woman of honor? I doubt she will.

 

How can you not feel disgust when you even look in her direction?

[Syco]

My sympathies.

 

However, by taking divorce off the table she is free to do whatever she wants knowing damn well there will be NO repercussions. You will continue to be her safety net and contribute financially to her life, whilst she begins her next escapade.

 

I also have a huge problem with the whole "people make mistakes" in your story. Your wife may not be evil per se, but her actions have shown that she openly has no respect for you.

 

The children may be innocent in all of this, but that does not mean you have to 'sacrifice' and continue living with her. There are many ways in which you could remain a father for them.

[2sunny]

Drifter777

 

WW conceived in January 2011 and confirmed by doctor in march 2011. Her affair is responsible for her pregnancy. I believe the affair ended in August of 2011. I don't have proof of that though (the affair). Thank you for posting. I have always liked the advice you give.

 

Does your gut say your WW has EVER been unfaithful at any other time in your relationship or no?

[Trustnoone]

The boys are not yours but you want to be their father... That is great and you are a real man and father.

I am sorry for what this woman has done to you.

I could never stay. It makes me angry for you.

 

Tornapart2002

 

I can't fathom going through what you are going through. I hope it gets much better for you. Your thread was one of the first I ever commented on. Thank you for the comment. I can't turn my back on these two beautiful boys, biologically mine or not. Their life is precious and they will need a father. I will be their father. I hope to teach them many things, to be their role model. My father was neglected as a child, for example he got his first bed at the age of eighteen. I had a bed all my life. I need these boys as much as they need me. My MC has been awesome and refers to the boys as mine. This forum is the only place they are not mine, biologically speaking. From the day They were born they were mine in my heart. I love these boys with every ounce of my being.

 

Yes WW hurt me badly to say the least, but she has worked hard, remorseful, has empathy, and doing all the right things. Our MC is as amazed as I that she is working so hard. I never said she deserved a second chance it was the grace of myself that will give her this chance.

[Trustnoone]

I'm sure that your wife appreciates what you are doing but at the same time there is no chance that she will ever respect you as a man. In her eyes you have lost the edge.

 

I have her respect as after d-day I was very cold and calculating in dealing with her. She had not seen this side of me before. Personally I never wanted her to see this side of me. I see things in my employment that nobody should have to see. I've pried a lifeless five year old boy from his mothers arms after he was struck by an 18 wheeler. I deal with people nobody wants to deal with. The atrocities we humans enact on each other is simply mind boggling. But when it was the person I trusted the most, well look at my name here. Have I lost the edge? I don't see that in her eyes.