He wants us both [update]

[Savannah2]

My AP and I are both married with kids. Been having an affair for 2 years. He is in a different place than me in regards to his marriage. My marriage is very broken and has been for years. He knows how bad my marriage is and that I would be with him. He says that his marriage is mostly happy, although she can be very difficult at times. He has never told me that he doesn't love her. I tell him I love him and he never says it back. He says he cares deeply for me. He has told me many times that he wants both me and his wife. I'm not sure what to even think about that comment? Any thoughts on what that means? Would I ever be enough for him?

[CarrieT]

Would I ever be enough for him?

Nope.

 

Can you live with sharing him and deceiving your husband? What keeps you married?

[violet1]

My AP and I are both married with kids. Been having an affair for 2 years. He is in a different place than me in regards to his marriage. My marriage is very broken and has been for years. He knows how bad my marriage is and that I would be with him. He says that his marriage is mostly happy, although she can be very difficult at times. He has never told me that he doesn't love her. I tell him I love him and he never says it back. He says he cares deeply for me. He has told me many times that he wants both me and his wife. I'm not sure what to even think about that comment? Any thoughts on what that means? Would I ever be enough for him?

It means he's never going to leave his marriage. He's perfectly happy eating cake.

[Clay]

You are his toy. He gets sex and never has to have the commitment. I think I would walk away from him and either try to fix your marriage or get a divorce and find someone you will be happy with.

 

This is one of those horrible things when you cheats. It rarely really works out in the end for you. You not only hurt yourself but you hurt people around you too.

 

I would take a break from him and take a closer look at you.

 

Clay

[eye of the storm]

Savanna, I'm sorry. He is being very honest with you. He is happy in his marriage, he loves her, he wants you.

 

 

If your marriage is broken, end it. Not because of him. He will not be there for you if it threatens his marriage. End your marriage because you no longer want to be married to your H. This will free you and him to find partners that will love you and more importantly, choose you.

 

 

"I'm not sure what to even think about that comment? Any thoughts on what that means? Would I ever be enough for him? "

 

 

If you stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your mind, you know exactly what it means and if you will be enough for him. Its hard, and I'm sorry. Sometimes when we are in a bad place we cling to anything that looks like it might rescue us. You are strong enough to rescue yourself.

 

 

You have spent 2 years with him focusing on him, loving him. It is now time to focus on yourself. Make some forward progress in either fixing your marriage or ending it. Once you regain your own power you wont need him anymore.

 

 

Good luck.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

He refuses to say he loves you back and claims he wants both you and his wife so no, you will never be enough because you aren't even enough right now. What I mean by that is, he's not even bothered about filling your head with future-faking and love-talk or bad mouthing his wife. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because at least he's being somewhat honest with you, however he's not even trying to hide his feelings (or lack thereof) for you. He's straight up telling you he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

From the looks of it, his marriage is nowhere near bad or sexless - saying one has a sometimes "difficult" wife is a vague and meaningless term - and it doesn't appear he has any motivation to leave whatsoever. He's showing you he has no plans to be with you permanently in the future. The best you could hope for is maybe a shot a being his long term mistress.

 

If continuing to deceive your husband and being second (or perhaps even third) to this MM is what you feel you deserve go for it, but make no mistake, he's going to cake eat until things get rough or he gets bored then put you on a shelf somewhere when and if you become "difficult" too.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[whichwayisup]

It means he has no desire to divorce his wife. He's happy having an affair with you. He isn't as invested as you are.

 

He's selfish by wanting both of you and hoping you'll continue to be his OW.

[jbelle6]

Well, if he doesn't say he doesn't love her, and won't say he loves you, why would he ruin his finances and complicate his children's lives for you?

If you get fed up and leave I'm sure he'll just replace you with another recreational partner.

[Owl]

OP...I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

 

If your marriage is broken...then either fix it, or end it.

 

Sounds to me like you feel it's broken beyond repair. That's fine...that tells me that you need to end it.

 

That needs to be your focus right now. Fix that situation. Learn to be sufficient unto yourself.

 

THEN see what future relationships your life might hold.

[Savannah2]

Thank you all so much for your advice. You are all right and have given great advice that I know I need to follow. . I haven't had anyone to talk to about my situation the entire 2 years this has been going on. No one knows. My family knows we have problems and always have but they do not know anything else. I am scared of the future. And I really did fall for him. But I also know that I am broken and the advice about having to fix myself is spot on.

[HBIC]

Sometimes the heart puts giant wads of cotton in our ears. He is telling you flat out what he wants and it is not a future with just you, nor does he love you.

 

I know it hurts like heck.

 

Please go NC with this guy and follow Owl's advice. Time to think about your marriage and not cake-eater. It's hard. I just ditched a cake-eater. And I got all the ILUs a man could physically sputter out. We discussed potential wedding invitees! Still had to end it and toss him back in the sea.

 

Try to give yourself some sort of healing experience everyday to help ease the pain.

[Savannah2]

You are all so correct about him being a cake eater. During this affair, I have had to endure all his Facebook posts every anniversary, birthday. He would always post on his wife's wall how much he loves her.. Blah blah. Don't even get me started on all the date night pictures of the two of them. Hurt like hell. And he knew it hurt me. Tortured me. He would tell me there were some things he just had to do.. And he was sorry.

I feel like such a coward. I know I only have myself to blame for this mess.i wish I was stronger.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Savannah2

[CarrieT]

I wish I was stronger.

 

There will become a point where you hate being used so much that it will make you strong enough to end it.

[adna89]

You are all so correct about him being a cake eater. During this affair, I have had to endure all his Facebook posts every anniversary, birthday. He would always post on his wife's wall how much he loves her.. Blah blah. Don't even get me started on all the date night pictures of the two of them. Hurt like hell. And he knew it hurt me. Tortured me. He would tell me there were some things he just had to do.. And he was sorry.

I feel like such a coward. I know I only have myself to blame for this mess.i wish I was stronger.

 

You have no right to be hurt,she is his wife he is her husband.You are in the wrong place not she

[Ruffian1]

Be glad he is being honest with you. You say I Love U and he does not feel the same.

 

 

End it for good.

 

 

You deserve better.

[Savannah2]

Yes, I know I have no right to be hurt. I know I am in the wrong on so many levels. I'm sorry I should have clarified.. Not looking for a pity party at all. I know we are both wrong. He let me fall for him when he had no intention of catching me. Again, no one to blame but myself for that either.

[Savannah2]

Thank you again for helping me to really pay attention to what he is telling me and not make excuses.

[whichwayisup]

You are all so correct about him being a cake eater. During this affair, I have had to endure all his Facebook posts every anniversary, birthday. He would always post on his wife's wall how much he loves her.. Blah blah. Don't even get me started on all the date night pictures of the two of them. Hurt like hell. And he knew it hurt me. Tortured me. He would tell me there were some things he just had to do.. And he was sorry.

I feel like such a coward. I know I only have myself to blame for this mess.i wish I was stronger.

 

Block him from your facebook. This is like pouring salt into your own wounds.

 

You are stronger than you realize!

[Friskyone4u]

Yup. He wants you both all right. His wife to be married to and you to use for sex. It is not real complicated.

Divorce your husband and find a am who is not just interested in banging you while he goes about life with his wife and family.

Not real confusing to me

[MissBee]

My AP and I are both married with kids. Been having an affair for 2 years. He is in a different place than me in regards to his marriage. My marriage is very broken and has been for years. He knows how bad my marriage is and that I would be with him. He says that his marriage is mostly happy, although she can be very difficult at times. He has never told me that he doesn't love her. I tell him I love him and he never says it back. He says he cares deeply for me. He has told me many times that he wants both me and his wife. I'm not sure what to even think about that comment? Any thoughts on what that means? Would I ever be enough for him?

 

If his wife isn't enough and he admits nothing is wrong with her she is just "difficult" at times, chances are you won't be either.

 

No one is perfect. We all have our difficult times, our annoying habits etc and you are no different, likewise his wife is a human being whom he admits nothing is overtly wrong with besides her being difficult sometimes...and I'm sure if you ask her she has her own set of complaints about him too. That's life and relationships. Once you get out of the honeymoon, pedestal stage, most happy couples can find at least 5 annoying things that bother them about their SO, but doesn't change that they love them and doesn't mean that their partner is a horrible person.

 

My exAP was similar to yours. He told me nothing was wrong with his longterm gf and their relationship had it's ups and downs like all others, he loved me and he loved her too. I think you (and most OW in an A) want to feel like something is different, special etc. about you and that the affair is some great anomaly and should you end up together you will be enough...but many times that's not the case and many times it is a problem with that person and no matter who they're with it wouldn't make a difference. In his case, he is admitting it isn't her....so given that it's not her pushing him to it, I would expect that he is maybe the type who has very loose boundaries and feels that as long as he can keep two women without one finding out and with the other happily accepting her place, then nothing is wrong. I think my exAP was that way. I don't think he felt very conflicted and really thought he could just love us both as long as I accepted being the OW and as long as she never found out.

 

But in short: it's no mystery. He wants you both means he has NO intentions of getting a divorce and most likely has no intention of proposing an open marriage where he can have you both in the open. He wants to have his cake and eat it...he will continue having you as his OW so long as you'll have him and so long as he can keep it from his wife and have her too. That's what his comment means. So you thinking of being enough doesn't even matter because he isn't planning on a situation where you are the only woman in his life frankly.

[Scorpio Chick]

Well, to his comment to you that he wants both you and his wife...DUH!!!! At least, and it's very teensy tiny, he is admitting what his agenda is. The majority of cheating men don't.

 

You shouldn't have the thought that will YOU ever be ENOUGH for him!! What is so damn special and wonderful about this human being that he gets to have two women at the same time and the one he took vows with and has children with he is perfectly happy to screw over? Really? Does he have a golden d--k?? Sorry, not really bashing you, because I pretty much understand that you're in love with him, but, he doesn't deserve it.

 

He just does not deserve to get two women. I hope you see that soon and cut him loose, fast and mercilessly. THAT'S what he deserves.

[Artie Lang]

how brash of him.

 

why do i get the feeling that you can live with being his side dish.

 

 

ask yourself how much you truly value yourself. once you know that, you'll be able to make a decision.

[HBIC]

I am having a tough time with the folks here who are saying the OP has no right to be hurt.

 

Seriously?

 

When someone is in pain, why in the world would anyone run up and kick that person when they are down when there is an opportunity to be compassionate instead?

 

OP: you don't need anyone's permission to be hurt. Be hurt. Use it. Let it be a lesson for you. I am trying to do the same.

 

You ARE strong because you are here. You are asking for help. You KNOW something is terribly wrong. Even though you are afraid, push yourself in your strongest moment to end things with MM. Want more and believe you deserve better. You can do it!

[sisa]

When he said he want both of you, what he actually mean is he choose her.

 

Imagine this, if a men is single, and there are two single women there A and B, he choose to marry A and tell B be his lover.

 

If you are B, what would you do.

 

I always believe if the relationship is 'true love', then no anything should be the excuse. Think about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

[wind willow]

You absolutely have the right to be hurt by the man you love posting pictures of himself with another woman and posting messages about how much he loves her. You would have to be a robot not to feel hurt by that.

 

But that man has shown you and practically told you that he doesn't care that what he's doing hurts you. He told you he wants both of you -- no matter how hurtful that is to you.

 

I guess it's good he was at least he was partially honest with you by letting you know that the current situation is exactly what he wants. I say partially honest, because my guess is that he dangles threads that keep you hanging on wondering whether there might be a future with just you and him and whether he might love you.