He wants us both [update]

[still_an_Angel]

He's happy with his marriage, he's not leaving her. He has her love and yours, I'm sorry, but it takes 2 women to keep him happy, so its more likely you alone will not be enough for him either. Maybe its time to re-think your position in his life if you're no longer happy with the current situation.

[fellini]

I am scared of the future. And I really did fall for him. But I also know that I am broken and the advice about having to fix myself is spot on.

 

Do what makes you happy. The future is not written. You define your future.

 

Do not fear a future because you do not know what awaits you: you should fear awaiting your future, because the one you want might never arrive.

 

Just remember that little girl at the highschool dance, waiting for the boy she admired all year to come ask her to dance. Why did we teach little girls they needed to be asked to dance? How different the world would be if we taught them to go there themselves. How different all of our lives would have been!

 

Will you be happy if you do what you want to do? Yes, by all means. Within reason. Can anyone promise you that a tornado will not visit your town and destroy everything in its wake, no, but if you are doing what your heart feels is right? How can you be anything but happy?

 

“It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.”

 

― Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

Edited June 26, 2014 by fellini

[NotSoInnocent]

I am having a tough time with the folks here who are saying the OP has no right to be hurt.

 

Seriously?

 

When someone is in pain, why in the world would anyone run up and kick that person when they are down when there is an opportunity to be compassionate instead?

 

OP: you don't need anyone's permission to be hurt. Be hurt. Use it. Let it be a lesson for you. I am trying to do the same.

 

You ARE strong because you are here. You are asking for help. You KNOW something is terribly wrong. Even though you are afraid, push yourself in your strongest moment to end things with MM. Want more and believe you deserve better. You can do it!

 

^^ This.

 

I just ended it with a man who was COMPLETELY happy with his marriage. /sarcasm

 

He wanted his cake and to eat it too. I know that.

 

What he really wanted, and should have looked for is a woman who was COMPLETELY happy with her marriage, but just wanted a side dish, too. A woman who wouldn't get emotionally involved. I know that. Maybe he knows that. But I was there, willing, and actually a good catch for him, considering his situation.

 

I think the reality is that men and women often go into these things for different reasons. Statistically, women are more likely to go into an affair when their marriage is broken. They want a way out. That's completely me.

 

Men, not so much. (Or at least less often).

 

You are not alone here. You can feel hurt. You have that right. If people can't support you here in a forum that's designed for that, then ignore them.

 

My therapist said something so brilliant to me once.

 

I need to remember I am not a bad person. I did a bad thing, but I am not a bad person.

 

So yes. We have done socially unacceptable things. We are labeled "bad" by society. That's our price for playing the game. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have the right to your emotions.

 

EDIT: Oh, and about his photos on FB? If he was a half-way decent guy (!!) with the minimum of respect for his AP, he would make his posts and photos private to "friends." ANd you should not be his FB friend. If you are, unfriend.

Edited June 26, 2014 by NotSoInnocent

[eye of the storm]

Having the right to be hurt and being hurt are two separate issues.

 

 

Does she have the "right"? No. But she is hurt anyway. A person's emotions are not always right. But they are ours and must be dealt with.

 

 

Savanna, take positive action, forgive yourself for past screw ups, move on from them, learn from them, don't repeat them. Life is constantly changing, moving, growing. Decide on a path, be aware that change can be hard and scary but you are strong enough to go thru it and come out stronger and better on the other side.

 

 

Here is the thing though...only you can make the decision, and only you can take the action. It is 100% your choice. And not choosing is also a choice. But you can't blame any of this on anyone but yourself. His actions are his to deal with, yours are yours.

 

 

Best of luck

[SoleMate]

Savannah, posting here and really listening to the comments as you have done can be a first step in getting stronger, so you can do the right thing for you. I have a feeling you're closer than you think to telling him to get lost.

[NotSoInnocent]

Yes, I know I have no right to be hurt. I know I am in the wrong on so many levels. I'm sorry I should have clarified.. Not looking for a pity party at all. I know we are both wrong. He let me fall for him when he had no intention of catching me. Again, no one to blame but myself for that either.

 

You do have the right to feel hurt. I don't understand how people can say you don't.

 

Just because you might have been able to completely predict that you'd get hurt by doing something, that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel hurt when it does happens. And sometimes those predictions are overridden by things like "hope," "false hope," "unrealistic expectations," or "expectations set too high."

 

And sometimes people can predict things that other people can't see from their own perspective.

 

Give yourself a break. Acknowledge that you hurt and have the right to feel it. You may or may not get any sympathy from others. You certainly won't get any from the innocent people involved who get hurt, too.

 

But that doesn't mean you don't have a right to an emotion.

[Savannah2]

I can't thank you all enough for all your words of encouragement and wonderful advice. I have read through all the posts many times and each time I feel myself getting stronger as the words sink in.

 

I recently heard that his wife had a pregnancy scare this month. I found out he made a comment that he was sad when she found out she wasn't pregnant. What?! So he wants his wife to have another one of his babies while he continues this with me? I would think that would be the last thing a man in his situation would want. Truly messed up.

[Savannah2]

Well he told me yesterday that his wife is suspicious of us and is making a lot of comments about something going on between us. He said she will be checking his phone and he will be under the microscope. He said that he wants to protect what we have (meaning this affair) so he will not be able to contact me for a while until this dies down with his wife's suspicions.

 

So, here I am. They are leaving for a vacation together today. I'm wondering if he is even being truthful that she is checking his phone or he just doesn't want to hassle of this affair while on vacation with his wife.

 

I know I should use this time away from him as a way to see this affair in a different light. Not a good one. I need to feel anger towards him. But I'm just not there yet. And I feel sick to my stomach when I think of him away with her.

[Pushing Forward]

I understand and you probably should use this time to do just that. Are you in a R as well? I know it sucks as I'm going through an A breakup right now. Be careful and protect yourself. I'm having a hard time moving on so I'm not the best person for advice but I wanted to offer some kind words because some comments can be upsetting even if it's what we need to hear.

 

Well he told me yesterday that his wife is suspicious of us and is making a lot of comments about something going on between us. He said she will be checking his phone and he will be under the microscope. He said that he wants to protect what we have (meaning this affair) so he will not be able to contact me for a while until this dies down with his wife's suspicions.

 

So, here I am. They are leaving for a vacation together today. I'm wondering if he is even being truthful that she is checking his phone or he just doesn't want to hassle of this affair while on vacation with his wife.

 

I know I should use this time away from him as a way to see this affair in a different light. Not a good one. I need to feel anger towards him. But I'm just not there yet. And I feel sick to my stomach when I think of him away with her.

[gettingstronger]

So- you are in a relationship where you don't trust the others word, where he is vacationing with his wife and you are left to wonder what is going on- when you think about your life and what you want out of a relationship, is this what it is? The other poster is right- protect yourself-

[sisa]

hey, he is not protecting you or the affair. He is protecting his family from the possible dynamic when his wife find out.

 

we used to manipulate by this kind of words, think about what he told you carefully, he doesn't want his wife find out because protecting your affair? So what he mean actually is, if his wife find out, he will need to end the affair because he will choose his wife when his wife make him choose.

 

you really should think about seriously take this time to leave him, do you really want to feel like this every vacation every year? I been to your situation before, and it's a good time to start NC.

[spookysonata]

They are leaving for a vacation together today. I'm wondering if he is even being truthful that she is checking his phone or he just doesn't want to hassle of this affair while on vacation with his wife.

 

 

You know the score. You don't need us to tell you.

 

I know I should use this time away from him as a way to see this affair in a different light. Not a good one. I need to feel anger towards him. But I'm just not there yet. And I feel sick to my stomach when I think of him away with her.

 

Why don't you feel angry about being manipulated? And being "sick" at the thought of them together? I don't understand this. She's his wife. What's sick about them being together?

[Owl]

hey, he is not protecting you or the affair. He is protecting his family from the possible dynamic when his wife find out.

 

we used to manipulate by this kind of words, think about what he told you carefully, he doesn't want his wife find out because protecting your affair? So what he mean actually is, if his wife find out, he will need to end the affair because he will choose his wife when his wife make him choose.

 

you really should think about seriously take this time to leave him, do you really want to feel like this every vacation every year? I been to your situation before, and it's a good time to start NC.

 

I think you got this wrong.

 

Corrected:

"He is protecting (covering) his own ass from the consequences of his choice to have an affair with you."

 

He's not protecting anyone but himself.

[Red123]

He may be telling you the truth about his W checking or he could be saying that for the reason you feel. Before I even knew about my Hs A there were emails where he told the MOW to not contact him because I was checking his phone and email. I wasn't, I didn't know and I never checked so it was a total lie. When I did know and asked him about it he said he had been trying to get rid of her but didn't want any drama, so he thought he could have the whole thing go away by passively getting her to give up. It didn't happen and he ended up sending a NC letter to end it permanently. This may not be the case with you but its worth considering.

[Goodbye]

I found that the exMM vacationing with his W afforded me a great opportunity to detach and get over him. It sounds like this would be good for you, too.

[Goodbye]

He may be telling you the truth about his W checking or he could be saying that for the reason you feel. Before I even knew about my Hs A there were emails where he told the MOW to not contact him because I was checking his phone and email. I wasn't, I didn't know and I never checked so it was a total lie. When I did know and asked him about it he said he had been trying to get rid of her but didn't want any drama, so he thought he could have the whole thing go away by passively getting her to give up. It didn't happen and he ended up sending a NC letter to end it permanently. This may not be the case with you but its worth considering.

 

 

 

You also raise a good point. The cheater may feel a lot of paranoia...something that comes along with secrets and deception. It may very well be in his head...but does that matter? The point is, the affair comes with a lot of emotional pain on your end. A paranoid AP isn't all that much fun...neither is one who puts you on a shelf while he is on holiday with his wife. Just saying.

[OWAmy]

It is almost irrelevant whether he is lying about his wife checking his phone. The fact is that is what he wants you to believe.

 

It can be extremely difficult getting out of an affair. It definitely sounds to me like he wants out. The easiest way for a MM or anyone for that matter is to claim 'suspicion' or pretend a DD has happened.

 

Take this as your perfect opportunity to go no contact. The affair has run its course.

[Savannah2]

So I told him that's it. I'm walking away from both him and my marriage. I told him that he gives me no indication That there is any future with him. He responded by saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and he fears that I will find someone else after I leave my marriage. Here's the kicker though... He said he would never leave his marriage. The only way would be if she left him. Seriously? I'm going to wait around for a man who only wants me when and if she leaves him? What woman would be okay with that?

[pteromom]

He says that his marriage is mostly happy, although she can be very difficult at times. He has never told me that he doesn't love her. I tell him I love him and he never says it back. He says he cares deeply for me. He has told me many times that he wants both me and his wife. I'm not sure what to even think about that comment? Any thoughts on what that means? Would I ever be enough for him?

 

It means he is happy in his marriage, but enjoys seeing you on the side. He wants things to stay the way they are.

[Zahara]

He responded by saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and he fears that I will find someone else after I leave my marriage.

 

Of course he fears it. He won't have his cake, his excitement outside of the marriage.

 

And no woman would be okay with that. You know what you have to do.

[pteromom]

So I told him that's it. I'm walking away from both him and my marriage. I told him that he gives me no indication That there is any future with him. He responded by saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and he fears that I will find someone else after I leave my marriage. Here's the kicker though... He said he would never leave his marriage. The only way would be if she left him. Seriously? I'm going to wait around for a man who only wants me when and if she leaves him? What woman would be okay with that?

 

Not you, right?

 

You are making the right choice walking away from both of your bad relationships.

 

Start fresh. It will be hard, but you can do it.

 

It's really obvious that this guy is invested in his marriage and family and has no desire to leave at all.

[jellybean89]

So I told him that's it. I'm walking away from both him and my marriage. I told him that he gives me no indication That there is any future with him. He responded by saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and he fears that I will find someone else after I leave my marriage. Here's the kicker though... He said he would never leave his marriage. The only way would be if she left him. Seriously? I'm going to wait around for a man who only wants me when and if she leaves him? What woman would be okay with that?

 

There are several OW who have posted here who wait for the spouse to find out about the affair and kick the MM out. Heck, there are some here who have contacted her to ensure she found out; and to their dismay, the MM begged for a second chance with his wife.

 

I hope you won't be one of those OW. I hope this has angered you to the point of no return and you walk away and never turn back.

[sisa]

So I told him that's it. I'm walking away from both him and my marriage. I told him that he gives me no indication That there is any future with him. He responded by saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and he fears that I will find someone else after I leave my marriage. Here's the kicker though... He said he would never leave his marriage. The only way would be if she left him. Seriously? I'm going to wait around for a man who only wants me when and if she leaves him? What woman would be okay with that?

 

The exMM told me exactly the same thing, and when I heard that words, my heart dead.

 

why he not just told this to me when the affair start, it's becasue he know if he told this when affair just start, I would just leave him without second thought.

[Savannah2]

So he is on vacation with her. He messages me and says he thinks it would be so awesome if he could walk into the restaurant with both of us on his arm. Like one happy family. That's really what he wants. Both of us. How often does a MM say that to the OW?

[herself]

I think thats what most mm want...he was just saying it out loud.

Cake and eat it too...ring a bell?