Moving On, Discovering Yourself, Finding Your Path

[scooby-philly]

I'm going to be posting this in the Business, Break-up, and Dating sections since this really covers all three areas and I'm all for feedback.

 

 

So, here's my story:

 

I was just contacted about a job in a very rural area - not farm country itself, but definitely not in a major metro area. It's close enough to family - 3 hours to Parents and 1 sibling, that it wouldn't mean not seeing folks - and I don't see that sibling more than once a month anyway.

 

I just started a new job 3 months ago - I wasn't looking for anything, but I was contacted by the President of the search company handling the position - I had worked with one of his key people last year on a job placement - never went past the initial stages because I wasn't interested in moving across country at the time. However, things have changed.

 

I am in my early 30's, not married, and no kids. I would like to have a wife and family one day though. I do have some family in the area I'd be moving too - great aunts, 2nd and 3rd cousins, but we haven't been close in 15-20 years, but at least I'd know a few people within 30 minutes!

 

I've been using OLD for a while now - I live in a huge city, and while I got to a dozen dates with someone this spring, it fizzled out and the recent prospects haven't been great. I was engaged up to a year ago but my fiancee broke it off and that left me devastated and I lost my closest friends in the process.

 

Not to get into too personal details - but my life has changed a lot in the 11 years since I graduated from college. I work in a specific part of HR and moved into that world 5 years ago after working in educational settings before that - and during that time I moved for work and grad school. Upon coming back to my hometown, I started reconnecting to old friends - but I always felt like something was wrong - and of course now, I don't see them because of the break-up last year. My family wasn't very emotionally stable growing up so i've learned a lot of lessons the hard way and also tried to keep friendships alive that weren't really there - either I wasn't able to express what they meant both to myself and others, or I was ashamed at admitting how lousy and insecure and uncertain I felt - or those people didn't really know the real me. I worried more about being "perfect" and seeming "smart" rather than just living and learning, and taking the road that really interested me instead of making choices out of fear - my parents did not raise me to understand who I am, what I'm good at, nor did they encourage me to dream for myself.

 

So, with the opportunity presenting itself - of course, there's no guarantees in the world that it will work out - I've done enough interviews that lead to nothing! - I feel like I'm truly at a crossroads - not just the job offer, but with life itself.

 

My current gig - I was recruited by a former boss who switched companies - is ok but I feel like I'm not succeeding in three months and that I'm not setting myself up for success there so I'm afraid of failing there. No one has given me negative feedback per se (a few gentle reminders of processes that I need to make sure I'm following) but nothing that directly raises a red flag.

 

So I guess I have a few questions to consider:

 

1. Am I interested in this job because of the novelty or because I'm afraid I'm not doing well at the current gig?

2. I've learned how to be pretty self-reliant but I don't want to become self-centered - I meet enough of those people dating - folks who want perfection or are dreaming of bigger things

3. I am open to moving - but I want to do it for the right reasons and I'm in no way assuming my extended family and I will all of a sudden become closer because I'm nearby. But, the job isn't in the best of places and I was raised in a city so it would be a shock - but it would also give me financial independence even above what I have now.

4. The job/field is tough because of the requirements in time, intellect, and vision so there's no guarantee I will succeed there either if it comes to fruition.

5. In terms of dating, I'm just stuck - I know you have to get out there, I know you have to be open to weeding out - a thousand no's before that yes!, but given work demands and some sort of regular social life, it's tough! I'm not sure if even if I'm capable yet of understanding my own wants/attractions

 

There's probably more I could write - but that will suffice for now

 

 

If read a lot over the past 3-4 years as I've gone through self-discovery, therapy, and change that you can't really predict the future and honestly you can't really plan for the future - you just have to be open to the experiences and also be willing to keep your eyes/mind open to opportunities and not be afraid to take them.

[FitChick]

Just move and leave it to Fate.

[tuxedo cat]

Move.......

[Ninjainpajamas]

Remove the fear and uncertainty from the equation and then think about what you really want to do and accomplish for yourself.

 

Don't think about the obstacles, or weigh in the pros and cons...you have no idea where either road will lead you, you could end up finding the right person in that new small town or right there at home...same thing with the job, you never know.

 

Don't be afraid to take chances and risks in life, you've only got one shot at it and what happens tomorrow is unknown and could completely change your life...don't let the high's and low's influence your decision overall, think about where you'd like to be, not where you are now.

 

You need to have a vision of where you want to be in the future, although the way you will get there will be filled with twists and turns...it's that focus that will see you through to the end, that discipline, determination and belief in yourself.

 

Otherwise you just end up making calculated decision that you don't really want to make, that don't really fix your problems and don't often provide you with the reprieve of that uncertainty that you hoped it would in turn fulfill.

 

If it feels like the right decision to go then go with that gut feeling and take a chance, if it feels like it's the right thing to stay and if you go you're just running away looking for something better, I can tell you moving there isn't going to change your life just like that...you're going to have to work at it either way and you have no idea what obstacles lay ahead of you, so you might as well be true to yourself in the process.

 

Stay as strong and clear-headed as you can, you actually already know what you already want to do...it's just up to you to accept that and go with it. There is no "right" road, there is no yellow-brick road to follow.

[learning_slowly]

Every time I have moved to a new area for a job, it has been great, e.g. finding out about the area etc and you will learn things in good and bad jobs.

 

However, will your next employer look after this one tell from your cv? That you move about alot? Which company will look better in their eyes?

 

E.g. if you want to work in a big city, they may prefer the major firms.

 

But if you want to work somewhere smaller for life, then they will probably look at how long you have stayed at firms etc.

[scooby-philly]

Well,

 

The interview went well enough yesterday that by 8pm the President of the search firm was reaching out to me to ask about going up there mid-month next month for an interview.

 

I'm going.

 

 

I am not naive or fanciful enough to think it will be anything like a dream, fairy tale, etc. But the "circumstances" may be what I need.

 

As a child I tried so hard to be a "good" boy, translating now into a "good" man - worried about not being there for folks, not truly getting in touch with my feelings and pursuing my interests/dreams out of fear of losing people - my parents and paternal grandmother's (she lived with us) way of handling major fights was to yell and to "threaten" to leave and never come back. So couple that with some other events that were traumatic, and I think I've always been searching for acceptance and also afraid of being alone (not in being surrounded by people constantly, but worried about losing friends/family and/or being judged for not being "perfect" and not "there for people" constantly) so this may be a way to really put in a place I should have been a long time ago - on my own, responsible to myself, pursuing what I want.

[scooby-philly]

I've taken 1 or 2 jobs that weren't right fits - I got a sense of it during the interview process, but didn't listen to my gut.

 

My current gig is okay - it's just tough because I still feel compelled to try and help others/worry about being good enough since my family is in the immediate area. It's a huge multi-national company. Moving and taking this job, theoretically, wouldn't look bad as it is a manager-level job with a company that still has 18,000 employees.

[SpiralOut]

I've taken 1 or 2 jobs that weren't right fits - I got a sense of it during the interview process, but didn't listen to my gut.

 

My current gig is okay - it's just tough because I still feel compelled to try and help others/worry about being good enough since my family is in the immediate area. It's a huge multi-national company. Moving and taking this job, theoretically, wouldn't look bad as it is a manager-level job with a company that still has 18,000 employees.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like one of your main concerns is what your family will think if you move.

 

I think if you didn't want the job, you wouldn't have agreed to the interviews. You would have made up excuses to not go to them.

 

I think you should do what you want. When we hold ourselves back too often, it begins to eat away at us and cause resentment.

[pink_sugar]

I've recently learned to take risks. When I lost my job, I was forced to relocate as I couldn't afford to stay in an expensive area. The move was very positive despite relatives like my dad saying it would be a mistake. It was anything but. I've had several job offers and my husband is now working full time making more money in a more affordable area. No regrets. If you feel the move is right for you-do it. I only regret not moving sooner.

[scooby-philly]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I was not really taught as a child to dream for myself - not in some "twisted way" but never encouraged to figure out what I wanted, what I was good at, and how others viewed me and where the happy ground was where all three places met.

 

I went into the seminary after college - it was a blast - I'm not super religious, but I learned a lot, met and friended wonderful people and don't regret staying for six years. I would not have changed a lot of the choices I made - in the sense that the outcome was great, but I would be more honest and open about the why and what I was feeling and not afraid that people wouldn't be my friend or not love/care for me if I was true to what I was feeling.

 

I have an interview on 7/16 - the earliest they can get me in because the director is on vacation next week, and the SVP is out the week after. Pretty good sign that they want to get me in as soon as possible.

[scooby-philly]

And,

 

As I'm thinking about it - I also know that moving will mean a lot of change and a lot of hard work - and that nothing "magical" will happen. I don't expect the opportunity to change my family unfortunately, but it will give me an opportunity to grow and test myself - and hopefully continue to build courage to confront the parts of myself and my family that I can fix.