Complicated Situation: My Story and NC

[jphcbpa]

you have already been his friend. imo it is best to go NC. he knows how you feel and how to find you

 

I know you're all going to have your own opinions about this, but I did feel there was "something" there and the potential for more.

 

I am tempted to do the following:

 

- take some time to myself to think

- contact him and just be friends

 

I am hoping that if we just stay friends, we have a better chance to truly develop something. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to cut a man off if you want him back. Is that true?

 

But I am not sure if it would be a good idea to do so.

 

If I do that, I feel like I would be once again going above and beyond for some guy, and I am tired of that.

[AnyaNova]

I think ThorntonMelon hit it on the head.

 

He pointed out the most important thing that you will want to minimize but it is truly the largest and most glaring piece of this puzzle.

 

You were there to meet every need of his, while he met little to none of yours.

 

You deserve a man who wants to meet all of yours as much as you want to meet all of his.

 

Those "tortured soul" men out there will really hook into every caregiving instinct that you have ever had, and I am convinced that they are the hardest to get over, because they seem to mean so well, but just be so incredibly hurt by life and their circumstances. We excuse every decision that they made/make that hurts us and torture ourselves for everything we did say, didn't say, might have said, should have did etc...

 

Whatever you do, do NOT continue to be friends with this man. He will continue to use every near sexual favor that he can get out of you while refusing to truly commit to you. Your bonding will increase and you will only want a relationship more and he will continue to not get with you.

 

Here is the painful truth.

 

If he loved you enough, you would wipe his ex out of his mind for eternity all time. I mean, he might think of her every once in a while, but certainly not be so tortured by her that he can't get into a relationship with you.

 

Generally speaking, we all tend to find that truly available option right here beats the heck out of that past option that rejected us 99 times pretty much out of 99.

 

Unless we are not ever interested in a true relationship or there is something about them that doesn't quite fit the criteria or that we know we wouldn't work out in the long term.

 

Your only healthy option, given how invested you are right now, is to go no contact.

 

Look at it this way,

 

1) You have to mourn and grieve this "relationship." so that you can be open to the next one, whoever it is with. Even if ,by some bizarre chance, this guy misses you and realizes his mistake (don't hope for it!) you have to have grieved and completely gotten over the old relationship, or in wanting it still, when he comes back you will slide right into it and be stuck right back where you were. In most cases, this means that you go no contact, grieve the relationship, realize you want someone who truly values you, and that means someone different.

 

2) Take some time and think about your needs, and what you want. And how willing you are to stand up for those needs and wants.

 

3) But whatever you do, please do not continue to try to be friends. Your head is not in the right place for this no matter what you tell yourself (I told a lot of stuff myself concerning my ex and friendship and it was all quite the load at the time). You need time to heal and you can't do it when he is there rubbing salt in the wound the entire time.

 

Crud! I told myself I was going to back away from helping for awhile until I was sure I was doing it for the right reasons. But still. Hang in there and do the most important thing for yourself. Go no contact. Allow yourself to lovingly detach.

 

I know you're all going to have your own opinions about this, but I did feel there was "something" there and the potential for more.

 

I am tempted to do the following:

 

- take some time to myself to think

- contact him and just be friends

 

I am hoping that if we just stay friends, we have a better chance to truly develop something. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to cut a man off if you want him back. Is that true?

 

But I am not sure if it would be a good idea to do so.

 

If I do that, I feel like I would be once again going above and beyond for some guy, and I am tired of that.

[ThorntonMelon]

I am hoping that if we just stay friends, we have a better chance to truly develop something. I read somewhere that it is not a good idea to cut a man off if you want him back. Is that true?

 

Said by a man who wants not to be cut off so he can have more meaningless sex and attention without commitment.

 

You are choosing to stab your heart with a knife if you do this.

 

Don't blame him, your choice.

 

But here's my advice.

 

Stay NC.

 

If he comes to you and says, "Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life and I would do ANYTHING to get you back" then you should go back.

 

Until then, do your own thing. Do not tell him that he needs to say that to you. But only go back if he does.

 

See, now you aren't cutting him off.

[RachelJansen]

Said by a man who wants not to be cut off so he can have more meaningless sex and attention without commitment.

 

You are choosing to stab your heart with a knife if you do this.

 

Don't blame him, your choice.

 

But here's my advice.

 

Stay NC.

 

If he comes to you and says, "Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life and I would do ANYTHING to get you back" then you should go back.

 

Until then, do your own thing. Do not tell him that he needs to say that to you. But only go back if he does.

 

See, now you aren't cutting him off.

 

 

I see. However, we only had sex once, but we did make out heavily several times since. I wanted more, but he was afraid he wasn't ready even if he really wanted to (he said).

 

Day 2 and not a single sign of life from him. I wonder if he misses me at all or if he is thinking about this.

 

He has enough memories to remember me by. He also knows my number and my e-mail if he wants to contact me.

[ThorntonMelon]

Will it make you feel better if he's missing you? Because it doesn't change anything....

[ThorntonMelon]

I see. However, we only had sex once, but we did make out heavily several times since. I wanted more, but he was afraid he wasn't ready even if he really wanted to (he said).

 

And I would kill to know the truth behind this.

 

This is a total load of BS.

 

Honestly, I think this guy is sincerely nuts. Like cookoo crazy.

[killerheels]

I have to agree with ThorntonMelon. After talking to him for hours, going away and being "best friends", you drop contact and.....

 

nothing.....

 

Seems like he's not so upset about ending your relationship at all. Why waste any more negative energy on him?

 

Get out and meet people. Restart your life.

 

This is what I'm doing. It sucks..... but time heals.

[ThorntonMelon]

Read your other posts Killer Heels.

 

Hang in there, you're on the right path!!

[killerheels]

Thanks, ThorntonMelon. As you've probably read elsewhere, I actually created the break up, by my own jealous actions. Architect of my own destruction, huh?

 

Anyway, for others reading this post, he did make it easier by telling me that he could never see me again, and to stay away from him. NC basically!

 

(If he wasn't so good in bed, I'd be well over it by now!)

 

And furthermore, he's now back in contact with his ex. So I know I was nothing more than a stop gap.

 

Rachel, this is what you need to think about. NC one day at a time. It hurts but gets easier. And tonight, for the first time, ten days after the nuclear explosion, I actually don't care if I see him again or not. I'm sure I will go through periods of weakness, but yes, it is getting easier!

[Janesays]

First of all, you need to understand that real life isn't like the movies. This isn't going to have an happy ending. I feel like you need to make peace with that, because you and your constant reference to movie characters and scenes makes me think you have some disconnect with reality.

 

This is the short version, but it is absolutely the truth. This guy LOVES that you are so into him, he loves the attention he gets from you, but he COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU. He feels bad that he has ZERO feelings for you, but not so bad as he's willing to let go of the ego boost you give him.

 

In a way, you ARE making the break up with his ex easier because he can think to himself, "See? I'm not totally worthless Ms. Daisy! I have THIS IDIOT OVER HERE just PINING for me! So Nyah."

 

He doesn't care about you. He will never care about you. Put down the torch you're carrying for him and go find someone who actually returns your feelings.

 

Get out of the movies. Come join us here in REAL LIFE.

[RachelJansen]

First of all, you need to understand that real life isn't like the movies. This isn't going to have an happy ending. I feel like you need to make peace with that, because you and your constant reference to movie characters and scenes makes me think you have some disconnect with reality.

 

This is the short version, but it is absolutely the truth. This guy LOVES that you are so into him, he loves the attention he gets from you, but he COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU. He feels bad that he has ZERO feelings for you, but not so bad as he's willing to let go of the ego boost you give him.

 

In a way, you ARE making the break up with his ex easier because he can think to himself, "See? I'm not totally worthless Ms. Daisy! I have THIS IDIOT OVER HERE just PINING for me! So Nyah."

 

He doesn't care about you. He will never care about you. Put down the torch you're carrying for him and go find someone who actually returns your feelings.

 

Get out of the movies. Come join us here in REAL LIFE.

 

 

Thank you! I needed THAT!

 

THANK YOU.

[redbaron005]

First of all, you need to understand that real life isn't like the movies. This isn't going to have an happy ending. I feel like you need to make peace with that, because you and your constant reference to movie characters and scenes makes me think you have some disconnect with reality.

 

This is the short version, but it is absolutely the truth. This guy LOVES that you are so into him, he loves the attention he gets from you, but he COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU. He feels bad that he has ZERO feelings for you, but not so bad as he's willing to let go of the ego boost you give him.

 

In a way, you ARE making the break up with his ex easier because he can think to himself, "See? I'm not totally worthless Ms. Daisy! I have THIS IDIOT OVER HERE just PINING for me! So Nyah."

 

He doesn't care about you. He will never care about you. Put down the torch you're carrying for him and go find someone who actually returns your feelings.

 

Get out of the movies. Come join us here in REAL LIFE.

 

Hmm, I'm not sure. I think he cares a lot, just isn't emotionally available. The book the great gatsby is a good analogy (it didn't have a happy ending). He will learn to move on (and the green light across the bay will fade in meaning) but knows it's not fair to you because you'll end up hurt.

[Janesays]

Hmm, I'm not sure. I think he cares a lot, just isn't emotionally available. The book the great gatsby is a good analogy (it didn't have a happy ending). He will learn to move on (and the green light across the bay will fade in meaning) but knows it's not fair to you because you'll end up hurt.

 

The Great Gatsby is fiction. And so is this nonsense.

 

Guys like these are users, plain and simple. They suck the 'girl next door' emotionally dry all the while trying to woo megabtch. And poor girl next door will waste YEARS of her life pining for a guy who has ZERO intentions towards her.

 

Mark my words: this guy is a dead end. And every second the OP wastes on him is a second she could be using finding the true love of her life.

[me85]

This guy could be this or that, we honestly do not know.

 

Instead of trying to figure HIM out, I think Rachel should be figuring out herself.

 

I know she asked for our opinions of what his intentions are and whether they had a chance to be together or not but we could beat that horse to death and still not get anywhere because he's not here for us to interrogate. We're not fortune tellers, no matter how strong our gut. So it's hopeless.

 

Why not instead go deeper into the heart and mind of Rachel...?

[redbaron005]

The Great Gatsby is fiction. And so is this nonsense.

 

Guys like these are users, plain and simple. They suck the 'girl next door' emotionally dry all the while trying to woo megabtch. And poor girl next door will waste YEARS of her life pining for a guy who has ZERO intentions towards her.

 

Mark my words: this guy is a dead end. And every second the OP wastes on him is a second she could be using finding the true love of her life.

 

It's fiction but based on real experiences and realities (John Green's YouTube crash course video is a good refresher). I think to some extent they were using each other. She knew he was 3-months behind her in the healing process and we all know that can translate into ages and ages.

 

I certainly agree that the guy is a dead end, just have a different perspective on why he resisted a committed relationship. In reality the perspectives are not so dichotomous and it could be a mix of both. It might help the OP to envision the guy as a total user but I just don't think it's the complete picture.

[RachelJansen]

It's fiction but based on real experiences and realities (John Green's YouTube crash course video is a good refresher). I think to some extent they were using each other. She knew he was 3-months behind her in the healing process and we all know that can translate into ages and ages.

 

I certainly agree that the guy is a dead end, just have a different perspective on why he resisted a committed relationship. In reality the perspectives are not so dichotomous and it could be a mix of both. It might help the OP to envision the guy as a total user but I just don't think it's the complete picture.

 

It's hard to envision him as a total user since he continously expressed gratitude for having met me, for me being in his life and hope that something would happen between us in the future. He also initiated contact many times and wanted to share the most mundane things from his daily life with me. He also did many nice things for me.

 

He is indeed 3 months behind me in his healing process -- so you are right: that could translate as ages and ages.

 

I fell in love with him. Slowly at first. Then, it was just undeniable.

 

I did not ask him to get in a relationship right away since I am not 100% ready to commit 100% yet. I am still a little wary of relationships.

 

But I felt that I could trust him. He trusted me. We had friendship. We had attraction. We had many compatibilities. I was willing to give it a shot and see what would happen before officializing anything.

 

He is not a player at all. In fact, he is a serial monogamist whose life dream is to settle down and start a family some day. He told me many times that he can't do FWB and one night stands. I liked that about him.

 

I think he still needs to work on himself, his life and his self-esteem.

 

I also need to do some major work on myself as well. I guess I can just love him from afar and whatever happens, happens.

 

At least falling in love with him made me forget my previous ex (which I thought was impossible to forget). So at least there is that.

[RachelJansen]

The Great Gatsby is fiction. And so is this nonsense.

 

Guys like these are users, plain and simple. They suck the 'girl next door' emotionally dry all the while trying to woo megabtch. And poor girl next door will waste YEARS of her life pining for a guy who has ZERO intentions towards her.

 

Mark my words: this guy is a dead end. And every second the OP wastes on him is a second she could be using finding the true love of her life.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but why are you so convinced he is such a dead end? I feel that a lot of people aged 30+ come with a lot of past baggage and rare are those that come with a "solved past."

 

I am not asking you to tell me if there is a chance that this could work, but why couldn't this work later down the line once he gets his **** together?

 

Also, why couldn't his feelings for me, however confused they were, have been sincere?

 

Having said that, I will follow the advice you have all given me and continue NC. I was quite nice to him and he appreciated it, but he continued to pine for megabitch and there is nothing I can do about it...

[thekid36]

It's hard to envision him as a total user since he continously expressed gratitude for having met me, for me being in his life and hope that something would happen between us in the future. He also initiated contact many times and wanted to share the most mundane things from his daily life with me. He also did many nice things for me.

 

He is indeed 3 months behind me in his healing process -- so you are right: that could translate as ages and ages.

 

I fell in love with him. Slowly at first. Then, it was just undeniable.

 

I did not ask him to get in a relationship right away since I am not 100% ready to commit 100% yet. I am still a little wary of relationships.

 

But I felt that I could trust him. He trusted me. We had friendship. We had attraction. We had many compatibilities. I was willing to give it a shot and see what would happen before officializing anything.

 

He is not a player at all. In fact, he is a serial monogamist whose life dream is to settle down and start a family some day. He told me many times that he can't do FWB and one night stands. I liked that about him.

 

I think he still needs to work on himself, his life and his self-esteem.

 

I also need to do some major work on myself as well. I guess I can just love him from afar and whatever happens, happens.

 

At least falling in love with him made me forget my previous ex (which I thought was impossible to forget). So at least there is that.

 

 

We cannot always help who we fall in love with. No matter how hard we try not to. No matter how many may warn us to stay away from partners who are not perfect for us. No matter what kind of baggage they may carry or no matter how crazy of a situation they are coming from.

 

 

So, anyone who suggests that the lesson here is to be more careful of those you are attracted to is honestly being a little naïve. Not something you can always control.

 

 

That being said, you seem to be making the right decisions. He cannot seem to give you what is wanted on your end and you both are not on the same page at this point. You deserve extraordinary and intensity that is mutual and not just a nice guy.

 

 

Sometimes if you really love someone, the best thing you can do is simply let them go. It may be the best gift you could ever offer your own self.

[jbelle6]

First of all, you need to understand that real life isn't like the movies. This isn't going to have an happy ending. I feel like you need to make peace with that, because you and your constant reference to movie characters and scenes makes me think you have some disconnect with reality.

 

This is the short version, but it is absolutely the truth. This guy LOVES that you are so into him, he loves the attention he gets from you, but he COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT YOU. He feels bad that he has ZERO feelings for you, but not so bad as he's willing to let go of the ego boost you give him.

 

In a way, you ARE making the break up with his ex easier because he can think to himself, "See? I'm not totally worthless Ms. Daisy! I have THIS IDIOT OVER HERE just PINING for me! So Nyah."

 

He doesn't care about you. He will never care about you. Put down the torch you're carrying for him and go find someone who actually returns your feelings.

 

Get out of the movies. Come join us here in REAL LIFE.

 

 

 

 

 

So agree with all this. OP, you are allowing yourself delusions about this whole situation. This isn't the Notebook you all aren't characters. You're people.

 

It's pretty cut and dry to me. You were friendzoned. I just have never seen a man be as adept at it, usually it's women that do this.

 

You were there to help distract him from his ex, to serve as an ego boost, someone to go to in order to prevent boredom, etc etc. Him getting jealous when you went on a date is common with the friendzone, they don't want to lose you as their backup, sometimes when they feel you pull away they will drop a few breadcrumbs to keep you on the line, give you just enough hope so you never really break away.

 

I hope you don't go to him to be friends, first of all you don't have friend feelings for him, second of all you are just reinforcing everything he pictures you being. His friend/buddy/confidant, but not his lover/girlfriend/partner.

 

Ex or no ex, if that man was into you in the slightest, 10 months after a breakup, you'd be his girlfriend and he wouldn't be turning you down for sex. Never beg a man for sex either.

 

Do the no contact asap. You wrote the story in a pretty way, your ex tells his story in a pretty way to you as well, but most of us on here see through bullcrap words and notice that since you've cut contact, he hasn't even cared. Actions are all that matters, words are worthless.

[Janesays]

I understand where you are coming from, but why are you so convinced he is such a dead end? I feel that a lot of people aged 30+ come with a lot of past baggage and rare are those that come with a "solved past."

 

I am not asking you to tell me if there is a chance that this could work, but why couldn't this work later down the line once he gets his **** together?

 

Also, why couldn't his feelings for me, however confused they were, have been sincere?

 

Having said that, I will follow the advice you have all given me and continue NC. I was quite nice to him and he appreciated it, but he continued to pine for megabitch and there is nothing I can do about it...

 

My best friend is this type of guy and over the years I've had front row seats as he spit these same exact lines to girl after girl after girl. I watched the scenario you described played out multiple times...sometimes with multiple women at the time. I used to bust his chops for stringing them along only to play the 'I'm such a poor broken soul and I'm just not ready' line at them when things got too deep...but then I realized that he wasn't twisting their arms to stay around. They were participaters in their own misery.

 

He is actually a really good friend. (We've been friends since we were 9 and have a total brother/sister relationship.) But romantically? He's an emotional vampire.

 

The lines "Mr. Gatsby" is spitting at you are so typical they are cliche. Trust me, this guy is rolling his eyes after every phone conversation with you while telling his friends, "I can't believe she's buying this! I'm telling you, she WANTS to be lied too."

 

As for why he does this? You're an ego boost. You make him feel better about getting rejected by megabtch. You are a tool for him to use when he's feeling down. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

If you don't want to believe that this 'connection' you have is one sided, fine. I know guys like this have a way of getting under your skin. All I'm saying is this: mark my words. Remember I warned you. This guy is a dead end. So if you proceed, you are willingly participating in your own misery and you can't blame him for wasted months or years. You can only blame yourself.

[redbaron005]

It's pretty cut and dry to me. You were friendzoned. I just have never seen a man be as adept at it, usually it's women that do this....

 

I hope you don't go to him to be friends, first of all you don't have friend feelings for him, second of all you are just reinforcing everything he pictures you being. His friend/buddy/confidant, but not his lover/girlfriend/partner.

 

Ex or no ex, if that man was into you in the slightest, 10 months after a breakup, you'd be his girlfriend and he wouldn't be turning you down for sex.

 

Good call, she was definitly friend-zoned. However, it's not cut and dry. From her descriptions provided of him thus far I see nothing to indicate that he is an "emotional vampire," rather that he has been hurt so badly that he built himself some huge walls to guard his heart. There are players and then there are people that are the marrying type, who invest their hearts more fully. This takes time to heal from, and lots of it. 10 months may not be enough. I think, from first hand experience, he's afraid to commit (and have sex, a big deal for some) because he's afraid of hurting her and himself. He has the feelings because you see it when she went to date someone else. He probably wishes he was ready but isn't and may be emotionally conflicted.

 

Yes, stringing her along a bit wasn't ideal, but just as she was he was probably feeling the situation out. Her walls fell quicker than his and this could have been because of a lot of factors. Now her love is probably scaring him a bit and the defenses are taking longer to fall/he is pushing her away.

 

That's just a southern gentleman's perspective.

[Janesays]

That sounds so pretty and romantic. Just like a movie.

 

Unfortunately, it's a fantasy. Just like a movie.

[redbaron005]

That sounds so pretty and romantic. Just like a movie.

 

Unfortunately, it's a fantasy. Just like a movie.

 

Perhaps. I'm a sensitive guy and have felt many of the above feelings before and seen friends in similar situations. Just because some guys are emotionally cavalier with women doesn't mean this man is.

 

I could be wrong, we will see.

[RachelJansen]

Day 3 – NC

 

Not a single peep from his part. I feel a bit better about having taken this distance, but I have many thoughts running through my head, especially after all the advice I have received on this thread. Thank you everyone.

 

Today, I am wondering who is the dumper here and who is the dumpee. Does it even matter? I know he told me many times that he didn’t want to lose me, followed by kisses. Lose what? A friend or a potential girlfriend?

 

I know that he is still healing from his ex, and having me there every day whenever he needs someone to talk to about it, is not helping him figure out where his feelings about his previous relationship actually stand.

 

Sometimes I feel like I abandoned him, but I know that it is not my job to fix what is broken in him.

 

I really miss him and I still hope that we can either resume a much healthier friendship or maybe start dating and see where it goes. But I am not holding my breath.

 

****, I miss him and wish I could at least ask him how he is. But I will remain strong and in reality.

 

The reality is that he is a mess in his life and not the most proactive at cleaning that mess up. My life is also a mess, but perhaps more proactive at cleaning it up so that I can be the best me for my future and whoever I will end up building a life with, because I do want to build a life with someone.

 

My motto right now is:

 

“Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.”

[RachelJansen]

Good call, she was definitly friend-zoned. However, it's not cut and dry. From her descriptions provided of him thus far I see nothing to indicate that he is an "emotional vampire," rather that he has been hurt so badly that he built himself some huge walls to guard his heart. There are players and then there are people that are the marrying type, who invest their hearts more fully. This takes time to heal from, and lots of it. 10 months may not be enough. I think, from first hand experience, he's afraid to commit (and have sex, a big deal for some) because he's afraid of hurting her and himself. He has the feelings because you see it when she went to date someone else. He probably wishes he was ready but isn't and may be emotionally conflicted.

 

Yes, stringing her along a bit wasn't ideal, but just as she was he was probably feeling the situation out. Her walls fell quicker than his and this could have been because of a lot of factors. Now her love is probably scaring him a bit and the defenses are taking longer to fall/he is pushing her away.

 

That's just a southern gentleman's perspective.

 

Yes, I was definitely friendzoned, but at the same time not quite, since he did initiate kisses, and the way he touched me was not the way you touch a friend. However, there was a lot of restraint, usually because he kept thinking about his ex. His ex did not give him time to heal...she would contact him ever now and then just to see how he was. It would give him hope. She would remind him that there was no hope. So, she was contacting him to just feel better about herself because of the pain she inflicted on him.

 

You are right. He has been hurt so badly that he built some huge walls around his heart. I have been hurt just as badly too. We often discussed the walls around our hearts together, and would joke about them. Most recently, he told me that he wishes that he could be the one to demolish my walls. He told me that while we were holding each other in bed, a few days ago.

 

10 months may not be enough. While I was struggling with my break-up, he told me that sometimes, after the end of a significant relationship that lasted more than a year, we may need at least a year to get over that person. We need to experience a year's worth of events without that person. So maybe that is what he needs to do as well. My year is up.

 

Yes, my walls fell quicker than I ever thought possible. I honestly thought I was never going to forget my last ex, that he was the one and that no one would ever compare, and that no one could ever break my walls...and yet!

 

My love probably did scare him away, but at the same time he knew about it and continued to want to see me...

 

It was after he invited me on a weekend getaway where he kept reminiscing about his ex over and over that I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and needed time apart to heal from this because it's a mess, and he needs to be alone.

 

What do you mean he was feeling the situation out?