The night my wife divorced me 6-25-14

[Mrquint]

I love my wife. She told me today she filing for divorce. She's been mentally abusing me for a long time and has beaten me down bad. I also found her flirting with dudes on FaceBook.

I have sacrificed everything for her and was a devoted husband for 16 years. Right now, I am in a bad mental state and fear I may do something "stupid" How can she betray me like this? Part of me wants to kill myself, other part wants to literally kick her ass out of the door .... Problem with that is we have 3 boys that need her. She'll call the cops and I don't want the kids to see me get tazed.

So I guess my question .... What do you do on the day the love of your life tells you that she hates you and will be leaving me forever, taking my kids with her.

[M30USA]

I love my wife. She told me today she filing for divorce. She's been mentally abusing me for a long time and has beaten me down bad. I also found her flirting with dudes on FaceBook.

I have sacrificed everything for her and was a devoted husband for 16 years. Right now, I am in a bad mental state and fear I may do something "stupid" How can she betray me like this? Part of me wants to kill myself, other part wants to literally kick her ass out of the door .... Problem with that is we have 3 boys that need her. She'll call the cops and I don't want the kids to see me get tazed.

So I guess my question .... What do you do on the day the love of your life tells you that she hates you and will be leaving me forever, taking my kids with her.

 

Don't allow her to take the kids. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I went through this 2 years ago. But don't allow her to take the kids. She doesn't own them.

[Mrquint]

Problem is 2 of them are small boys and love their mommy. They'll be shattered without her. Just like I'll be.

[M30USA]

Problem is 2 of them are small boys and love their mommy. They'll be shattered without her. Just like I'll be.

 

You think they'll be less shattered without YOU? If anything boys need their dads most.

[Friskyone4u]

See an attorney. She might not be able to take the kids anywhere especially of you have evidence of her cheating

[M30USA]

See an attorney. She might not be able to take the kids anywhere especially of you have evidence of her cheating

 

 

Cheating doesn't matter in family court, especially if it's done by a woman. Most states are no-fault. Only criminal offenses have any bearing.

[whichwayisup]

You get some help so you can cope with this (see a therpist/counselor), also get a lawyer. Go for joint custody, no way should she take the kids and get full custody.

 

Sorry that you're hurting. Reach out to good friends and family to help you through this too. Don't isolate yourself.

[Misadventure]

I love my wife. She told me today she filing for divorce. She's been mentally abusing me for a long time and has beaten me down bad. I also found her flirting with dudes on FaceBook.

I have sacrificed everything for her and was a devoted husband for 16 years. Right now, I am in a bad mental state and fear I may do something "stupid" How can she betray me like this? Part of me wants to kill myself, other part wants to literally kick her ass out of the door .... Problem with that is we have 3 boys that need her. She'll call the cops and I don't want the kids to see me get tazed.

So I guess my question .... What do you do on the day the love of your life tells you that she hates you and will be leaving me forever, taking my kids with her.

 

Q, we have been there. We have been at rock bottom with you... please know that you are NOT alone.

 

Someone gave me the best advice when it happened to me that worked in the beginning... "Just do". Auto Pilot.. just do what you need to do- for yourself.. and for your 3 kids. As soon as you can.. call your insurance and get a family therapist for yourself. You need help to cope through this, but not just you... your 3 kids.

 

As hard as this is.. you need to start taking her out of the equation...think of YOU. What do YOU want to do today? What do YOU want to eat today? Yes, get up and shower.... in fact.. TAKE A BATH. No.. really.. take a bath.. it relaxes you. You can cry just as easily in the bathtub with some vanilla suds, as you an on your bed. Start breaking yourself out of the routine of what you used to do with her in your daily life.

 

The beginning is the hardest... once you are in therapy and start purging all of this out... you do start to see yourself again. You will be three people by the end of this... You while in marriage.... You during this process.... and the YOU in a new beginning.

 

It IS SCARY... not gonna lie..it is scary knowing that the life you had is now over.. what is going to happen.. can you ever find happiness again... will you ever love someone again and be loved back... I can't answer the last one cause that will come in time... but the others- there is light towards the end of the tunnel.

 

Now what I am going to ask you to do is going to hurt...go somewhere quiet...write down what you think was so great about your marriage. Don't think, just write.

 

Now when you are done.. read it..ask yourself if it was really true. May have been true in the beginning but probably has not been even close to what you thought in a long time. Everytime you catch one of those things that you thought was great and it was not- say F YOU (insert name) I deserve better!!!

 

Cause you do.

 

What she did is horrible and she is a shyt. Have a good cry, purge...and then ..time to find your balls again. You don't have to be mean.. you don't have to be an azz... you go radio silent (I can guarantee she will not expect it and it will drive her crazy because she is probably used to getting a rise out of you, and most likely controlling you)...and take away any control she has over you.

 

And just DO YOU for awhile... get that therapist right away.... over the next few months you will have to decide the pace as to what comes next and you need the help of your therapist to help you decide that time table.

 

I know you can't see it now.. but you have a second chance at a life to be what you want it to be. To have someone NOT do these things to you.... it is going to take some time to adjust. Take that time, do not wallow for too long.. get on some anti depressant meds if you have to. Go at your pace.

[amaysngrace]

She sounds like a bitch. Why do you want her again?

 

Do yourself a big favor and stop being a crybaby. Your sons don't need you to be crying like a child, they need a father who acts like a man.

 

She abused you and beat you down? Be glad she is choosing a new victim and let her go. Stop letting her get to you. She wins that way.

 

It's over. Never again will you have to do what she tells you to do. Those days are over. Count your lucky stars.

 

Get pissed off. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get good and angry at her for ever treating you like less than a man and disrespecting you the way she has, especially in front of your boys.

 

And remember that everything you do they see. Do you want to raise pansies or men?

 

Be a good role model...

[Movingforward2]

Get a divorce lawyer, IMMEDIATELY. I cannot stress this enough. She may have caught you by surprise with this, but this is something she has planned out for a while now. No one here can advise you on the exact steps you need to take to recover from this better than a divorce lawyer. Find the most ruthless one you can, in my experiences, female divorce lawyers will back you like no other, and do every single thing she tells you to do.

 

I know it sucks, but your wife is no longer the woman you love. She is now your enemy. She will not pull any punches. Get a lawyer. Protect yourself and your children. I truly feel for you, and I wish you the best.

 

 

 

I couldn't agree more. I'm a year in brother, and it gets better. Let the lawyer do the work. Gonna be easier said than done, but you can't "take it easy on her" because u have hope she is coming back.

 

 

I got my divorce over as quickly as possible, probably cost myself a little bit financially, but the emotional part is what completely sucks.

 

 

Everyone has given great advice. Get to a gym. Exercise. Focus on yourself and your kids. Go see a counselor immediately to get some stuff off your chest. Don't move out of your house. DO NOT.

 

 

If she hasn't filed yet........FILE 1st. Like today or tomorrow. She might be telling you she is going to file, but file 1st and send it to her job and embarrass the hell out of her.

 

 

Write down your thoughts, post often, set goals, and try like hell to move forward. Takes some time man. You will never forget "that day". Mine was on my wedding anniversary last year. Nice kick in the balls. I'll never forget it, and it's etched in my mind.

[Chi townD]

You're hurt and I get it. I'm sorry that you're going through this. But, right now, you need to take action. You're wife is gone, so now you need to be looking out for yourself and your kids. No one else!

 

 

I STRONGLY advise you to start carrying around a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). I have a feeling your wife hasn't thought this thing out and has nowhere to go. So, the easiest thing to do is get YOU out of the house. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME!!! PERIOD!!! AT ALL!!!! Some courts can view this as you abandoning the home. Therefore, if she can't get you to leave willingly, then she'll try and goat you into an argument. If you argue with her, she'll be on the phone in a New York minute to the cops saying that she doesn't feel safe in the house with you in it. And they'll make you leave for the night. But, I'll bet my paycheck that she'll be at the courthouse the next day getting a Restraining Order on you, because now there's a record of a domestic and she'll be awarded one. So, DO NOT GET INTO AN ARGUEMENT WITH HER AT ALL!!!! The VAR will protect you if she calls the cops and you didn't even argue with her. Hell, she might get in trouble for making a false claim.

 

 

Now, and most important, know what your states recording laws are. Some states, it's legal to record someone without their consent. So, know what the laws are.

 

 

Get with a lawyer RIGHT NOW and know what your rights are. Find out if you need to start separating your finances.

[Yasuandio]

All of the above.

 

PRIORITIES:

 

1. Voice Activated Recorders (put it in the car, in the house, and on your person at all times) THAT MEANS BUY 3 OF THEM AT WALMART.

 

2. Keep your mouth shut.

 

3. Get to the attorney NOW - File NOW. FILE FIRST NOW. That means file first - as Petitioner. You will have certain legal strategic advantages - for instance, you get to do a lot of stuff FIRST. As Petitioner, you automatically get to make your complaint first (where you might even demand she leave the premises, like yeah), you get to demand interrogatories and documents first, and schedule depositions first, if you want. Being the Petitioner, and is important later on also -because you also get to speak first in Court, also (that's a great opportunity to plant the seeds in the Judge's mind FIRST - before opposing council gets a stab at it - in "DEFENDING" themselves).

 

4. Her Conduct DOES Matter! Don't let anyone tell you any different.

 

Doesn't matter if you are in a "No Fault" State - your wife's immoral conduct in fooling around with random men on Facebook (or whatever) is a valid topic which certainly speaks to a mother's character and poor judgment - which is of concern when raising young people. THAT IS WHY YOU NEED VAR PROOF FROM HER MOUTH! No time for tears - use your head.

 

5. You have to get help for yourself. Get to your family doctor immediately. Do not goof around. If you do not care about yourself - then you are incompetent to take care of children - and a Judge will take that position as well. Wouldn't you? That is why they tell you on an airplane to give yourself the oxygen first - then the child. How can you put the mask on the child if you are not breathing? Wake up.

 

6. PITY PARTY IS OVER. Just like others said above - you cannot afford the pity part now. You have to be a role model for your boys. You were not divorced on 6/25/2014. That is not true. You found out some terrible news about your wife. She is still your wife at this time, don't forget that. There are two types of divorce - the legal divorce, and the emotional divorce. You are no where near either one. Hear is the reality check for you. You are in SHOCK. You have to get a grip.

 

7. Do You Mean It? If you talk about or imply that "you do not want to live anymore" OR that you might "take your life," - someone could overhear this statement and report you to the police for your own safety; or, like others have indicated here OR, perhaps you really do need to be hospitalized at this time. We are not Doctors on LS.

 

8. One thing is sure and certain - in a divorce situation, WHATEVER YOU SAY OR WRITE - CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU. I would take that under serious advisement if I were you, and get to that doctor in the AM for the record, if not for any other reason.

 

9. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME AND CHILDREN. Make her leave.

 

This is the most important things I can reiterate in my "Yasu-Speak" that sometimes gets thru to people, and sometimes does not.

 

These are some of my regrets:

 

I wish I knew a good half of these things during my divorce, pre-LS.

 

I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

 

I wish I had stuck to the 180's and NC.

 

I wish someone would had used physical restraint, even shaken me and held me down to prevent me from making some really dumb mistakes.

 

I wish I had a VAR sooner.

 

I wish I had used my VAR more often.

 

I wish I had had a tape recorder on the phone at all times.

 

I wish I could take back so many things I wrote down and said, especially the VM that were recorded.

 

I wish I had given up the pity party years sooner.

 

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I have said prays for you. Be strong, that is better than being weak. There is not a lot of choice in the situation. Might as well go for the former. I hope this has given you some help in your time of need. We are here for you. Yas

Edited June 27, 2014 by Yasuandio

[carhill]

Be calm.

 

Take her seriously.

 

Interview at least three lawyers ASAP, and preferably as many as possible which might be the bulldogs on her side. If she 'says' she's filing for divorce, but hasn't retained an attorney, and you consult with them, they can't represent her. Old business legal strategy.

 

One day at a time.

 

 

At the other end of my D, I took my exW out to lunch and celebrated that we'd no longer be in each other's lives. It was a good day for both of us. No regrets. The path was bumpy but it ended OK.

 

Lastly, pick one thing to focus on out of this, with everything else being negotiable or sacrificial. Don't be greedy. One thing. You decide.

 

Good luck!