Being realistic after a BU [updates]

[lovebug_5858]

A very vague background on my life with him:

We were together for almost 4 years, we were eachother's first everything... but we had a very unhealthy relationship. He is older than me and I looked to him for guidance and he led me down the wrong path- to jealousy and a mistrustful love.

Jealousy and mistrust did not necessarily have to do with the opposite sex but more so with our constant break ups and fear of abandonment on both of our parts. We had a relationship that we both knew was terrible for us but we, so terribly, feared letting go of each other- until he did.

 

I miss him so much, it hurts... This is my experience with the No Contact Rule.

[Cessius]

I guess I am not seeing how this is no contact...

[Smarty Pants]

Sorry what does this have to do with NC?

[lovebug_5858]

I am already on Day 14 which is a shame because I wish I could've started this from the beginning.

Day 1-7 was not so bad. Well, Day 1 isn't truly Day 1. I called him and told him that I thought this was a good idea (the break up) as we had been trying to figure things out for over a year. We initially broke up in March of 2013. We always saw eachother though even after short sporadic no contact periods, I had adjusted to being without him and so did he. He got a job in a different town which at the time did not hurt me terribly. We then began dating again but things were so different. I wanted everything back. All his love, his hugs, his kisses, his passion but it was all given to me again in much smaller increments. We had called it off more times after this but somehow we managed to remain in eachothers lives.

More recently, I had been asking for time off because I needed to know if he was truly committed or if he just wanted to dull the pain of letting go by doing it slowly. I got my wish... We spent a week apart and then I called and visited him. Sad and heartbroken I came back home after he reassured me he wanted to move on. I called the day I got home and apologized for ever hurting him and cried until I was blue in the face and he simply said he did not want to say anything to hurt me further.

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your throat when you just feel like you cant handle it anymore? That was mine exactly.

I had to pull myself together for an exam I had that day and so I did.

The next day I decided to call him and prove I was not a weak girl he would leave in a corner while in fetal position.

I said very tastefully, that I had been asking for this as well and that it was a great decision to take time away from eachother.

And now here I am in DAY 14 of no contact and I...

I'm not dying. I dont cry often... but I do cry.

I am still hurting terribly and find that these days seem harder than the very beginning. I am at the point where I know I will not sporadically contact him but I am also in mind numbing denial that he will come back for me. yelling how much he has missed me and that he wants to work it all out, that he was a fool for letting me go.

These thoughts are always in my head, and so is he. I have decided to keep a journal on this because I am always reading other people's tales and I HATE that there is never an update on how they got through it. That is my goal and I will keep this updated.

[lovebug_5858]

The first post was just a title post, Sorry I did not mention that I would be posting again shortly with more! Sorry!

[lovebug_5858]

I also hope that by starting this I can not only monitor my own recovery but find strength in the words and postings of other members. My friends have already heard this all before and I almost don't want to bother them with another break down or tear.

[Smarty Pants]

That's great! This site is very helpful and there are many people on here who want you to get to a happy place.

 

At the beginning, everyone holds on to hope. It's only natural to think they will come back, especially when it is learned behavior from the past. It was the same in my situation.

 

The best way IMO to move on is complete no contact. Just cut this person out of your life. Understanding that does not mean they won't come back, but they usually don't for a very long time. If you two got back together now, it would still be a dying relationship.

 

Everyone on here will tell you it gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better I can promise you that.

 

Dive into the things that you love and the people you care about (not your ex) and you'll improve faster than you can imagine.

[me85]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I have a very similar up/down back & forth history with my ex as well.

 

We basically did the same thing.

 

We're very codependent of one another.

 

It's sick. It's sad. It's wrong.

 

Or is it???

 

 

 

We've both moved on, been with other people...but still keep in touch.

 

He'll tell me he loves and misses me at least once every other week.

 

I get drunk and say I love him like once a month.

 

So I certainly am not the one to give any kind of advice regarding NC. Sorry LS )=

 

Just know that you will feel better in time. Just dive into yourself. Become self absorbed, even.

 

Do any and everything you can to stay busy with friends and family.

 

If you'd prefer to be alone during this time, then focus on working out, cooking, having fun online, researching things online...become interested in EVERYTHING that can make you and your life better.

 

You can discover yourself over and over again.

 

Best wishes,

J

Edited June 24, 2014 by me85

[carhill]

I am still hurting terribly and find that these days seem harder than the very beginning.

Sounds completely normal and healthy. Your brain is adapting to a different chemical makeup and different sensory inputs and the psychological process of loss of those which went prior.

I am at the point where I know I will not sporadically contact him but I am also in mind numbing denial that he will come back for me. yelling how much he has missed me and that he wants to work it all out, that he was a fool for letting me go.

 

Think of it like he died. You want him to come back to life and be the man you loved but he's dead and he's never coming back. Grieve the death of who you were when you loved him and he you. Accept that grief and sorrow with the belief that, indeed, you will live today and live tomorrow and your life, and your love for yourself, will go on.

 

In time, everything will settle out and the memories will remain but retreat down the 'list' of what actively occupies your mind and you will recognize the grief of what is gone and be OK with it.

 

As an example, I can hear a certain song or kind of music which instantly transports me back to my M and recognize the emotions of loss and then smile, knowing what a wonderful time that particular moment in time was and that I'm a more complete person for having experienced it, both the wonderful time and the loss. It's uplifting. IMO, if we're lucky, at the end of life we have uplifting memories to nourish our path to the grim reaper and I firmly believe in making as many of them as I can.

 

What do you want to do with your life?

[Ben Dover]

I've been in the exact same position as you. Time heals all wounds. You said it yourself you wish you would have gone NC since day 1.

 

That just shows you NC is the only way to go. You gotta really wanna move on though. Some people say it but don't mean it. Thats the problem.

 

I know what you're going though. Let this motivate you to become an even better version of yourself. Let that fire grow. You can do it. If I can do it, I know you can. I'm rooting for ya!

 

I have a thread I started for people in your situation. The emotional roller coaster. Check it out if ya want.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/482074-my-story-year-half-after-being-completely-heartbroken

[lovebug_5858]

Thanks for all of your replies!

Reading through them all, I found myself sobbing. Believe me guys, I have tried all the working out, keeping my mind occupied, rediscovering myself and all. I'm not really sure how to explain it all but I am at the point where I know this man is no good for me. I understand that he does not love and accept all of me and to be truly happy that is needed. For this reason, I don't contact him. I know that I will make it and that my life will be okay with OR without him...

I say that I am on a healthy road to recovery but I catch myself so often drifting into endless thoughts of him that consume me. I am still sad that it has ended, I know that I am a great girl, his family adores me and his sister and I text daily... And it almost seems he's the only one that doesn't have me in his heart.

When we ended before this, his mom say me down and cried with me, she told me that I would hurt and I would hurt for a long time but that I cannot beg him to try. He needs to come back to me.

Yet, as I write this, tears fall and emotions overwrite logic

[lovebug_5858]

 

What do you want to do with your life?

 

Ultimately, be a pediatrician. As of now, I am taking my last pre requisites for a very competitive nursing program my college offers. My classes are such a great help in recovering, I really do enjoy them and they borrow my mind as much as they can.

[carhill]

Focusing on the health of children; very admirable. Seek them out in daily life and begin that process and focus on it, and your education and the new friends which result from both. Life, and your time here, goes on.

[lovebug_5858]

Focusing on the health of children; very admirable. Seek them out in daily life and begin that process and focus on it, and your education and the new friends which result from both. Life, and your time here, goes on.

 

Thanks, I appreciate your words. And thanks to everyone else who has responded as well and to those of you who plan on keeping up with my recovery.

Random note- As I read through random threads, I am so shocked and amazed when I read on and find out the author is male...

Is it cynical of me to think that men do not feel the way us women do with heart aches? Or maybe that men do not love the way we do and in turn do not hurt the way we do...

Well the sun is setting here on Day 14. I will be checking in tomorrow and reporting on my ever changing feelings. Talk to you all soon!

[Tally123]

LoveBug - I look forward to reading your NC updates.

 

I am just over a month NC with a breadcrumb tossed my way (but ignored). It is hard, I am not going to lie, some days better than others. Some days I can see him so clear in my mind its crazy...others I feel less connected to him.

 

I am hoping time does heal all wounds.

 

Take care

 

T

[Michael 93]

Sounds completely normal and healthy. Your brain is adapting to a different chemical makeup and different sensory inputs and the psychological process of loss of those which went prior.

 

Think of it like he died. You want him to come back to life and be the man you loved but he's dead and he's never coming back. Grieve the death of who you were when you loved him and he you. Accept that grief and sorrow with the belief that, indeed, you will live today and live tomorrow and your life, and your love for yourself, will go on.

 

In time, everything will settle out and the memories will remain but retreat down the 'list' of what actively occupies your mind and you will recognize the grief of what is gone and be OK with it.

 

As an example, I can hear a certain song or kind of music which instantly transports me back to my M and recognize the emotions of loss and then smile, knowing what a wonderful time that particular moment in time was and that I'm a more complete person for having experienced it, both the wonderful time and the loss. It's uplifting. IMO, if we're lucky, at the end of life we have uplifting memories to nourish our path to the grim reaper and I firmly believe in making as many of them as I can.

 

What do you want to do with your life?

 

What a Quote. Good God. Man that is GOLD.

 

Amen brother/sister

[lovebug_5858]

Thanks Tally.

It makes me happy to know that people are rooting for me and look forward to hearing about how I'm doing. Its more like beating a dead horse when I bring up my emotions around my friends, and my family can only say so many consoling things.

[lovebug_5858]

Well, I'm still alive.

Yesterday was such a concoction of emotions, I was exhausted. I also got a little sick during the evening and early this morning. But I am A-okay, for the moment.

I would also like to say that I am so glad I started this thread, such a great dose of catharsis.

 

Today so far has not been very emotional... My schedule does help out right now my mornings are hectic and for the long drive to school I play the radio and listen to radio shows... It keeps my mind occupied.

Once I get to school I enter my ex thought free zone.

I concentrate on my classes, which I am really enjoying so far and even when I'm not I keep my A in mind and force myself to concentrate.

 

Right now I feel so empty and void of emotion... Such a contrast from yesterday, which I know is normal.

I used to see notifications on my phone and hope so terribly that one was from him... they never are. And maybe I'm beginning to accept that now. Maybe I'm accepting it ALL now. Yesterday I went through some threads and did some reading on NC and a popular thought was "I don't want to do NC, What if I lose them?" And a heart breaking but most true response was "You already have."

 

I'll check in a bit later to reply to any thoughts or words of wisdom you all have. Stay Strong.

Oh and Tally, great job on ignoring the breadcrumb.

He used to throw them to me and I'd always pick them up quickly, now even those don't come which I hear is better anyways. No temptation, but is it wrong to be happy that they have thought of you? Any thoughts?

[lovebug_5858]

I stumbled onto an IM kind of thing that we use and there he was... Nothing was different. His status was still "I love (my name)"

I went through our messages, just as early as May 20ish we were still saying such sweet things to eachother. I was telling him that he didn't have to be with me and that I only wanted this if he would be happy trying again and he reassured me so many times. Then even earlier than those messages were the "ILYSM" ones....

They brought tears to my eyes and I scrambled to figure out how drastically things had changed and why....

Then about an hour later, while in class I happened to remember such a terrible thing he said to me... and that was it. I felt empty and void again. I want to forget him. I want to be without him.

Then I come home and I see my phone has a missed call... no name for the number, without even thinking really I jumped to "Was it him?!"

And in 5 seconds figured out that it wasn't.

Why does this keep happening. I feel like I've let go... and truly I haven't.

I push myself to the land of no hope for him or us... and then my subconscious brings me back to believing he'll return.

Why am I hurting myself...

[Smarty Pants]

You're still only at 2 weeks! It's totally fine to still be feeling this way. It's not going to happen over night. But the good days will turn into good weeks and eventually you'll be completely over it without knowing it.

 

Delete that app. Reading those messages probably set you back a bit but it's nothing you can't overcome!

[Smarty Pants]

Knowing they are thinking about you (sending crumbs, calling) only gives you short term happiness. In the end it doesn't change the fact that you are no longer in a relationship. That's why everyone says to ignore the crumbs when they come.

[lovebug_5858]

I didn't delete the app... but I did delete our conversations. He is still one of my contacts... Bad I know...

Knowing they are thinking about you (sending crumbs, calling) only gives you short term happiness. In the end it doesn't change the fact that you are no longer in a relationship. That's why everyone says to ignore the crumbs when they come.

 

I have a total new perspectives of the breadcrumbs because of this... Thanks... it makes complete sense.

[lovebug_5858]

So many of the posters here are still in the beginning stages of mourning a relationship. I just wanted to share a technique that really helped me during the very beginning.

Make a list of how your life was with them, get into complete detail. Good AND bad.

Let all of your feelings out when doing this.

Now, Make a list of what you're life will be like without them... in the future.

 

You will literally SEE that life does go on. And HOPEFULLY you'll even see that your life without them causing you such sadness and misery will be so much better once you get pass this hurdle.

Just a thought for all of us trying to get through this.

[lovebug_5858]

It is now Day 16

here are some random updates:

I still think of him 75-85% of the day...

I still cry when things really get to me (less than 25% of the time) but for the most part I'm over crying... Teary eyed is about as bad as it gets at this point...

 

My thoughts are still scattered all over the place.

Like: why.... when I loved you so much, I'd do anything to show you that. I still love you. And I've tried so hard....

 

I mean, isn't that what we are all looking for? Someone who will unconditionally love us? Then why doesn't he want that from me?

And the answer, I've come to find is He just doesn't.

There is no way to find out his exact reasons... He just doesn't want to be with him... and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me and love me as I love them.

This is why I stay on NC. Not only because I know that nothing good will come from contacting him or because I'm hoping someway somehow he will see the error in his way,

BUT because I know somewhere out there... is the guy that will love me and accept me just the way I will him.

For now, I am not searching for anything... Just wanting to heal and fall in love with myself.

[lovebug_5858]

Hey guys,

I'm not going to go into detail on my BU but you can see a short synopsis of it in my earlier thread.

Anyways so I've had such a prevalent thought lately about how as soon as you feel better they creep back in.

And here I was listening to music and watching videos, happily alone in my bed.

AND BOOM. Well more like DING.

I look at my phone and there was his number. I literally out loud said "Holy sh*t!"

I couldn't believe it. I opened it...

He asked if he could use my gym membership key while he was in town this weekend.

One, he knows that he cannot use it, as last time he did, they warned him.

Two, I was tear filled with emotions.. I was angry that he was texting me for this reason. I always imagined such a sweeter message... But nope, this was him in all gleaming reality. Wanting to use me again.

Three, I will not reply.

I'm angry, upset but I won't let it kill me. I do believe he was just trying to let me know he will be in town....

I'm not sure what my question is... but I am right in not responding, correct?

This IS a breadcrumb... am I right guys?