Being realistic after a BU [updates]

[lovebug_5858]

Don't bash yourself for breaking no contact. It happens. I actually slipped myself a couple of days ago, ex sent me an email asking for some explanations and I couldn't help replying.

 

My two cents: next time he contacts you, think about how uncomfortable it was seeing him now. And if he comes back pretend you are not home if you can get away with it. Do not let him in again. Do what you need for yourself.

I'm just so confused. This isn't what I wanted at all...

I asked him if he was happy and he said yes, but that he gets lonely sometimes. and asked if I was happy and I said yes, and that I don't get lonely.

I'm sure I'm just reading far too into it all... Im sure i was right and that he doesn't care anymore. I'm feeling sad now.

[lovebug_5858]

He told me that he wouldn't come unless I told him,

and I sent him this message:

"I don't want to see you again and I don't want to hear from you. Just leave me alone and let me keep moving on, I'm doing a lot better now and I know seeing you tonight will bring up old feelings that I don't want to feel ever again. If you want to see me again, Just think of how unhappy you were with me and that will go away"

 

It's just not like old times, Its not the same.

The guy in there that I knew loved me... is gone. There's no way that he would be okay with this situation if he did.

If I did see him tonight, I would just feel empty tomorrow. Knowing that he's fine with leaving me behind, again.

I know this was the best decision I could make out of the ill-conceived action that was seeing him.

[Moonborn]

I'm just so confused. This isn't what I wanted at all...

I asked him if he was happy and he said yes, but that he gets lonely sometimes. and asked if I was happy and I said yes, and that I don't get lonely.

I'm sure I'm just reading far too into it all... Im sure i was right and that he doesn't care anymore. I'm feeling sad now.

 

Unless he gets on his knees and begs you to take him back, you have to assume that he doesn't want you back. That's the only way you have to avoid losing sanity. If he wants you back he will say it clearly. If he doesn't, you will move on and be happy again.

 

Edit: I was writing this post and you wrote yours. You did the right thing.

[lovebug_5858]

Unless he gets on his knees and begs you to take him back, you have to assume that he doesn't want you back. That's the only way you have to avoid losing sanity. If he wants you back he will say it clearly. If he doesn't, you will move on and be happy again.

 

Edit: I was writing this post and you wrote yours. You did the right thing.

 

Exactly, and that was far from what he did...

It was just so strange... Even before when we had LC, every time we were together again, everything was normal again...

But this time, with all this new knowledge I have, I understand that this is nothing to him.

He hasn't replied and I'm beginning to think he wont- which is best.

Although I'm feeling a LITTLE conflicted at the moment, I know that I made the right decision.

[NC-Thomas]

I asked him why he wanted to see me and he said to see how I was and that he missed me and he said he didn't think it'd be bad to see eachother every once in a while.

 

He just wants to have sex. If he really wanted to reconcile, he wouldn't say "once in a while"... doesn't really sound like someone who really wants it. Nothing more than casual one nights stands.

 

I asked him if he was happy and he said yes, but that he gets lonely sometimes. and asked if I was happy and I said yes, and that I don't get lonely.

 

Looks like me he misses the closeness, the intimacy, not you as a person. Hell I wouldn't mind to have sex once more with my ex. I feel lonely too. This just all seems too familiar to me.

 

Sorry, but I would move on if I were u unless he sincerely tries to make an effort. He was the dumper?

[lovebug_5858]

He just wants to have sex. If he really wanted to reconcile, he wouldn't say "once in a while"... doesn't really sound like someone who really wants it. Nothing more than casual one nights stands.

 

 

 

Looks like me he misses the closeness, the intimacy, not you as a person. Hell I wouldn't mind to have sex once more with my ex. I feel lonely too. This just all seems too familiar to me.

 

Sorry, but I would move on if I were u unless he sincerely tries to make an effort. He was the dumper?

Thats what I was picking up from his words as well.

Yes, he broke up with me because he said that he was no longer happy with me nor felt the same way when with me.

[lovebug_5858]

He messaged me back

"Yeah I know. I won't come by tonight... I'll let us keep moving forward"

[NC-Thomas]

In that case you are being used to fill the (physical) void of loneliness he created when HE broke up with you. He has to deal with that on his own. Don't let him use you as a temporarily fix to make him feel better on the short term. Unless you want to be an ass-wipe, go full NC. Cause after hes done with you, you will be back to day 1 instead of 25.

 

When he broke up with you, he put you at the curb, next to the trash. He basically said, "I don't want you to be part of my life anymore". So don't be!

 

You already told me he doesn't feel the same way anymore. So if he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, why would you even go back?

 

Edit: good, now maintain NC for you own stability!

Edited July 5, 2014 by NC-Thomas

[lovebug_5858]

In that case you are being used to fill the (physical) void of loneliness he created when HE broke up with you. He has to deal with that on his own. Don't let him use you as a temporarily fix to make him feel better on the short term. Unless you want to be an ass-wipe, go full NC. Cause after hes done with you, you will be back to day 1 instead of 25.

 

When he broke up with you, he put you at the curb, next to the trash. He basically said, "I don't want you to be part of my life anymore". So don't be!

 

You already told me he doesn't feel the same way anymore. So if he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, why would you even go back?

This is why I sent him that message. I realize that I'm not anything to him... It was just really shocking. I suppose, Honestly I don't even know if I was really shocked..

Everything was so different. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to sit near him, he initiated every hug, and for the first time ever I think, we didn't have not even one kiss. I just didn't want it anymore, I didn't feel like he was the one anymore. I didn't feel the passion, the love, it was just gone it seemed.

I wanted to talk more, and I had always imagined our first encounter after this NC period to be different. I always thought I'd be so happy to see him, and fall in love all over again.

Sad to say but I was more in love during NC then when I actually saw him in front of me.

[Moonborn]

This is why I sent him that message. I realize that I'm not anything to him... It was just really shocking. I suppose, Honestly I don't even know if I was really shocked..

Everything was so different. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to sit near him, he initiated every hug, and for the first time ever I think, we didn't have not even one kiss. I just didn't want it anymore, I didn't feel like he was the one anymore. I didn't feel the passion, the love, it was just gone it seemed.

I wanted to talk more, and I had always imagined our first encounter after this NC period to be different. I always thought I'd be so happy to see him, and fall in love all over again.

Sad to say but I was more in love during NC then when I actually saw him in front of me.

 

Well I would say that this is definitely a good thing tho. Sounds like you are getting over him.

[FredJones80]

If you want to see me again, Just think of how unhappy you were with me and that will go away

 

Amazing reply.

 

Bravo!

[emotionalMess]

This is why I sent him that message. I realize that I'm not anything to him... It was just really shocking. I suppose, Honestly I don't even know if I was really shocked..

Everything was so different. I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to sit near him, he initiated every hug, and for the first time ever I think, we didn't have not even one kiss. I just didn't want it anymore, I didn't feel like he was the one anymore. I didn't feel the passion, the love, it was just gone it seemed.

I wanted to talk more, and I had always imagined our first encounter after this NC period to be different. I always thought I'd be so happy to see him, and fall in love all over again.

Sad to say but I was more in love during NC then when I actually saw him in front of me.

 

He still has the ability to text you, this is not NC. Asking him not to contact you is not the same. You have to block his number. You say you are at day 1 but you are not, you are doing much better and this is great! Actually, you are awesome, you did not have a meltdown and were somewhat indifferent during the face to face. I found it very interesting when you wrote how you felt more in love during NC than you did when you were face to face.

 

Sounds like you are almost over the hump but you must block his number and any other means of him being able to contact you. I think doing so may put you into the territory of complete indifference.

[OwMyEyeball]

The whole 'back to Square 1' you hear after breaking No Contact isn't a full regression. It's a painful blip. You'll return to normalcy and the path you were on very quickly.

 

You were able to recognize it wouldn't work out and didn't grasp onto false hope. You're moving on.

 

He now needs to do the same and leave you alone.

[lovebug_5858]

Well I would say that this is definitely a good thing tho. Sounds like you are getting over him.

 

I really hope so. It was all just so strange.

I have always loved him so helplessly and couldn't help but feel this way every time I was near him. but now it's all so different,

I'm beginning to clearly see the truth in him - and it is not pretty at all.

It's just incredibly weird to me that someone who once loved me is okay with causing me more pain.

[lovebug_5858]

Amazing reply.

 

Bravo!

Thank you

[lovebug_5858]

He still has the ability to text you, this is not NC. Asking him not to contact you is not the same. You have to block his number. You say you are at day 1 but you are not, you are doing much better and this is great! Actually, you are awesome, you did not have a meltdown and were somewhat indifferent during the face to face. I found it very interesting when you wrote how you felt more in love during NC than you did when you were face to face.

 

Sounds like you are almost over the hump but you must block his number and any other means of him being able to contact you. I think doing so may put you into the territory of complete indifference.

Yeah I know what you're saying, I just never wanted to block him. I considered it really childish and I thought we mutually agreed not to contact eachother, and I thought that if we did it would be for the better, not worse.

I don't think he has set me back. In many ways, he's given me what I needed to see to move on even further.

[lovebug_5858]

The whole 'back to Square 1' you hear after breaking No Contact isn't a full regression. It's a painful blip. You'll return to normalcy and the path you were on very quickly.

 

You were able to recognize it wouldn't work out and didn't grasp onto false hope. You're moving on.

 

He now needs to do the same and leave you alone.

 

I figured, it was not any more painful than any other day but it was far more liberating than most.

[lovebug_5858]

I am not going to go back to calling it Day 1 because I know that I have come very far. I'm not going to be posting on this thread anymore because NC is no longer my goal, I'm just done, I'm over it and I don't want to keep posting on something that reminds me of the pain that he has given me. I deleted him on the one "social" network I have, I took down our picture and my status, I deleted anything that reminded me of him on my phone, and my computer. I hadn't done these things before because I had hope but I have nothing left now. I don't have hope, I don't have faith, I don't want him to ever contact me again (thinking of changing my number)

I just see him in a completely different light- he is nothing to me anymore. This entire time I was dreading losing the person that I loved so much and someone I thought loved me entirely, thats why he would always respond to my calls and texts, that's why he was so hurt that things weren't working out, that's why he was ending things because he didn't want to keep hurting me, that's why he wasn't communicating with me, he wanted me to move on.

People, if you are telling yourself this, it is a lie.

Although at one point, I am sure these people loved you, that is long gone and you have to realize that no matter what, I repeat, no matter what, you can't make them want you back.

I can't keep sitting around crying every other day and thinking of him non-stop.

I would always wonder to myself "What if he just never comes back?"

Well I got the answer,

Then he doesn't. So what? He's not the last guy on Earth and certainly not the best, for me.

If anything, he's missing on the beautiful, gentle, and true love that I gave him.

I'm not saying I never made mistakes, but I know, in my heart, I could never do what he has done to me.

He is not on the pedestal I have always put him on, in essence, he is just like every other guy. Every other guy that he warned me about, the ones with no feelings and a hard _______.

 

I'm not saying that every situation is alike, but what I am saying is that if someone truly does love you, nothing will keep you apart, especially not them.

Just let go guys, I know its hard but you will feel 100x better when you truly make the decision to let go and your expectations are down the drain.

I look forward to my life without him. I don't have to worry about him deciding he wants to leave again, making me feel bad over nothing. More so, I look forward to my new life, my new friends, my new job. Some of these are a bit far away, but they seem much closer now that I have left my past behind.

 

I will from time to time update on my status and will remain active on the forums.

Thank you guys, for anyone who has ever replied to me, shared their wisdom, gave me uplifting words, or even read my posts. I couldn't do it without many of you-- Thank you

[lovebug_5858]

Long story short- Dated a guy for 3 years, last year was on and off. He has told me for the last year that he just doesn't feel the way he used to and holds a grudge against me (when we broke up the first time, I went out and drank, and went to a few get togethers with old friends (girls) but sometimes guys would tag along (platonic relationships) and I didn't tell him about it when we got back together, I didn't feel the need to. We were broken up anyways. He did sometimes ask me what I had been doing during the summer and I never told him about my drinking, so in a way, I lied.

Anyway he holds a grudge against me for that, and says that is because the entire time he would stay home and study and be upset and sad, and I was out "living the life" (in reality, only happy times were captured in pictures which is how he found out, and he never saw the nights when I would cry my eyes out and would literally beg my friends to not let me call him because he would just hurt me again) Since then, we tried to work things out a few times but he ended it for good by saying he didn't feel the same way he used to and that Im not the girl he thought I was (I had never hung out with the opposite sex in any circumstance, and had never drank )

 

So in the present, we were NC for a month and then he came to town (he moved away in January) we saw eachother and I was sure I didn't feel the same hurt I used to feel. And so I blocked him for good and I was fine, still missed him and still was sad but I was sure I was done with him.

 

Two nights ago, I drank again (3 1/2 smirnoffs and a shot of crown royale) and there I was calling him, telling him I missed him and that I was not doing okay, I was just trying to be strong. He told me again, that he did still care for me but he could never forgive me for what I did to him and how I lied. That I effed him over mentally and that he can never look at me the same, doesn't trust women, because of me, etc. Then he says Ill be in town this weekend, you should come over, I wish we would have gotten the experience of living together, I dont think Ill find someone like you. etc.

I tell him that I cant sit there waiting for him and that I will give him until the morning to contact me if he wants to work things out. If not I will block him again and resume NC.

He never contacts me.

I block him.

 

 

I woke up the next morning with a terrible head ache and wondering why I did that. I just made myself look stupid and needy, and sober, I dont feel the need to call him and give him more chances to realize he's losing me.

I ruined his perspective on me, I will forever be that crazy ex that can't get over him..

What now.

[Philosoraptor]

Oh come on. He used that stuff to pin the blame on you and to justify the fact that he is a douche.

 

You were broken up and had friendly contact with people? Oh noes! His passive aggressiveness will destroy any relationship he is in... so don't get caught up in that. You continue to pine over him because you feel like you did something wrong... you didn't. His inability to handle himself caused the end.

 

Right now you need to put all your focus on making yourself happy. Block him now and end it. Live life for you and do what makes you happy.

[lovebug_5858]

Oh come on. He used that stuff to pin the blame on you and to justify the fact that he is a douche.

 

You were broken up and had friendly contact with people? Oh noes! His passive aggressiveness will destroy any relationship he is in... so don't get caught up in that. You continue to pine over him because you feel like you did something wrong... you didn't. His inability to handle himself caused the end.

 

Right now you need to put all your focus on making yourself happy. Block him now and end it. Live life for you and do what makes you happy.

 

You're completely right, That is the exact reason why I keep failing. I am so sad to feel like I hurt him, and he makes me feel like he's in the right by leaving me and deep down inside i feel the perpetual need to show him how bad I feel for what I did. This happened last year in June, and he still makes me feel so bad about it.

[Philosoraptor]

Well now that you've accepted the issue is on you... what is your plan from here? What will you do internally to fix this?

 

Figure out how to best take care of yourself and this will no longer be a concern for you.

[lovebug_5858]

Well now that you've accepted the issue is on you... what is your plan from here? What will you do internally to fix this?

 

Figure out how to best take care of yourself and this will no longer be a concern for you.

 

I don't know what to do help myself. I feel like for periods I'm okay without him but the feeling that its my fault we ended never goes away, no matter how much logic I try to jam into my heart.

I am about to enter nursing school in January, and I have a busy school and work schedule, but I still find myself unhappy at times.

 

What bothers me is that I feel like I was so good to him, for gosh sake, I apologized an entire year for what I did... I don't know what else I could have given him. I feel inadequate, I just dont know.

[Philosoraptor]

I don't know what to do help myself. I feel like for periods I'm okay without him but the feeling that its my fault we ended never goes away, no matter how much logic I try to jam into my heart.

I am about to enter nursing school in January, and I have a busy school and work schedule, but I still find myself unhappy at times.

 

What bothers me is that I feel like I was so good to him, for gosh sake, I apologized an entire year for what I did... I don't know what else I could have given him. I feel inadequate, I just dont know.

You need to take solace in the fact that you did your best. He failed, not you. You know that you are willing to give your all and you need to go and find someone who is willing to give the same back to you.

[lovebug_5858]

You need to take solace in the fact that you did your best. He failed, not you. You know that you are willing to give your all and you need to go and find someone who is willing to give the same back to you.

It just sucks thinking that my best was still not enough for him but you are right. I do really good with goals and I set up a 100 day countdown for myself, during this time under no circumstances will I contact him, and I will move on for myself, not him. I'm going to find happiness again and hopefully by then, I'll be in a much better place.

After all, I'm only failing myself by going back to him.