Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 I went into work crying on Saturday morning knowing that he was in town and hadn't reached out to me, That just still really bothers me. I always fantasize that he will be at my door when I get home from work telling me how he made a mistake. Still. Yes, this is what breaking NC does. :| Anyways just a few moments after I go into work, My coworker lets me know that I have a call from (his name) and I go to answer it. I was flabbergasted. He is blocked from my phone still. I told him on Tuesday night, when I broke down and called him, that if I didn't get anything from him by Wednesday morning that I will block him indefinitely. He seemed surprised and said "so I can't contact you anymore?" and I said that not after that night. I wake up that morning and there's nothing, so true to my word I blocked him. And so he has remained. Fast-forward to the call, he wasn't on the phone anymore so I called back. No answer, and so I went on with my day thinking it couldn't have been that important. Although I thought of him consistently. 6 hours later, he calls back. No one notified me, so I called back after looking at the missed calls. (on my work phone) Got a hold of him and this happened: Him: Hello Me: Hey *Silence* Me: Did you need something? Him: Well I was just wondering if you were going to come by tonight and if you'd get food because I'm kind of hungry. :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: Me: No I'm not coming by is that all? Him: yeah and also wanted to let you know someone called asking if you could go into work at 12 (he was my emergency contact) so you might want to change that. Me: Okay thanks, bye. *hang up* Yep. That was all. Can you believe that? I couldn't. I was so angry. I held onto that very same anger until the next morning. And it carried on. I promised myself that I would never speak to him again. It just angered me so much that this was the same a**hole I was crying over that morning. Who does he think he is? We weren't even speaking! The audacity. Anyways, now, on Monday, I'm still angry but more so kind of happy that he showed his true form. For some STUPID reason, I still feel he will come back again. Why do I even care Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's hard to resist the temptation. I'm sorry you got burned by him again. You can never answer him in any way after this. I did stuff like this too and got burned one too many times. Always remember that past behavior is the best indicator for the future. He has shown you who he is and what his intentions are. Believe him this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 It's hard to resist the temptation. I'm sorry you got burned by him again. You can never answer him in any way after this. I did stuff like this too and got burned one too many times. Always remember that past behavior is the best indicator for the future. He has shown you who he is and what his intentions are. Believe him this time. I just don't know why I won't believe it. I won't believe him when he says it's really over, I don't believe myself when I say it's really over... I know that after that incident I will never be the one to reach out but I'm still so hurt. I started crying again today. I guess it will just be some time of this until I really move on. It does give me some sort of peace knowing he cannot reach me so easily. I just wish I could just forget him and all of my feelings. I don't want to think of him anymore. It's so hard to think that this is the same guy who asked me just months ago how I felt about living together. I'm torn to pieces, knowing he can hurt me. Continuously, and not even care. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I just don't know why I won't believe it. I won't believe him when he says it's really over, I don't believe myself when I say it's really over. It took me months to believe my ex when he said it was over. It's hard to comprehend when you have many more good memories than the bad ones now. Right now, you can't understand it because you had time invested where you trained yourself to see this guy as the only one for you. I had trained myself for years to see "forever" with my ex, and those thoughts don't just go away. We have a lot of good memories, and, when I think back on those memories, it's still hard to believe that he threw them away. One day, you are in a relationship with someone that you think is forever, and the next day you are supposed to believe it's over. Of course, your mind has difficulty comprehending that. The biggest part of me detaching and believing it was over was NC. You start to believe it day by day, and, over time, it's your new reality. You can't force it though, which sucks. I wish it were that easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 It took me months to believe my ex when he said it was over. It's hard to comprehend when you have many more good memories than the bad ones now. Right now, you can't understand it because you had time invested where you trained yourself to see this guy as the only one for you. I had trained myself for years to see "forever" with my ex, and those thoughts don't just go away. We have a lot of good memories, and, when I think back on those memories, it's still hard to believe that he threw them away. One day, you are in a relationship with someone that you think is forever, and the next day you are supposed to believe it's over. Of course, your mind has difficulty comprehending that. The biggest part of me detaching and believing it was over was NC. You start to believe it day by day, and, over time, it's your new reality. You can't force it though, which sucks. I wish it were that easy. Your whole post is so true... It is all so hard. It seems so illogical when you think about it and even more so when you're trying to explain it to someone. I don't know why I still care so much for him, but I do. Although he has hurt me to my core, I just do. And yeah, NC helps out a lot. So much, that it feels even weird when they are around (that's how I felt when I saw him)... Its just so painful... I wish it would all just go away. Where are you now in your break up and NC? When did you have a break through moment? Or have you had one yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Also, I find that during face to face interactions, I am cold and seem to be indifferent. Its just so strange to me. When I actually look at him I wonder to myself why I hurt so badly over this guy. Is this normal? Ah what is normal anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 So it's been a little over a week so I last posted, I haven't talked to my ex since last Saturday... He didn't try to contact me again after that. And I suppose it's for the best. I still miss him so much and I find myself thinking of him everytime something else isn't occupying my mind. He's like my go-to thought. I think of him so kindly, and I just feel like I just love him so much. I just miss him, I miss the things he would say, things we would say to eachother, I guess those things are unique to each couple. He seems like such a foreign person now, I know nothing about him anymore. And I find myself wondering if he's missing me. :/ but this is much better than contacting him. I know that that will just bring me more pain. I have no interest in men, and I still feel so loyal to him although it makes no sense. I'm trying to do more things for myself and I do enjoy my alone time now. I know this post may seem a little all over the place but I guess that's how my emotions are. I've gone from mourning to just thinking of all the things I miss and smiling, sometimes crying, but I guess overall I'm feeling much better. Its almost 2 months now so hopefully things just get better. I have a trip planned for September it's going to be pretty great, it'll be to my birth country which I haven't been to in about 15 years so I'm pretty excited!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have had such a resurgence of thoughts about my ex :/ I dreamt of him last night. He was at my door and was kneeled down, asking me to forgive him and then proposed. I was so unbelievably happy. These dreams are killing me, these thoughts are killing me too. I wish I could accept that it won't happen but I still hope it does. I've had such an urge to call him or text him but damn have I learned my lesson with that :/ I'm so afraid of being without him although I already am :/ does this make any sense? Probably not. I'm not going to call or text him because wondering is so much better than hearing a " I already told you how I feel we can't be together BUT can I see you this weekend" which is almost a definitely guaranteed outcome I miss him so much still. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Lovebug, just be strong. The more you focus on the things in life that make you happy, the less these thoughts will occur and the less affect they will have on you. Just take care of you and do what you know will be best for your long term future, even if it hurts in the moment. Your focus is a lifetime of happiness and you deserve it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I am trying my best to... Well in reality, maybe I'm not. I just feel so afraid to let go for good. I'm sure you know that weird feeling I'm talking about. I guess its just such a weird transition, I can't remember or even think of a time when we have gone without eachother for sooo long. Its been 4 years and these past two months of just nothing, no contact, no hope takes so much adjusting. I know that in essence, I no longer love him but I love who we used to be, what we used to do. The little things. I just need to stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts2death Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 seeing dreams of a loved one is a healthy reaction. to tell you this. i used to see my ex in different situations and weird and all the times i was semi sleep and fully heartbroken feeling but as soon as i was waking up everything was ok. seem the subconscious does its own., just give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yeah I've realized it's only on days that I think of him a lot. It's just heartbreaking to think it's just really over. I expected him to come back, somehow, someway. But I guess I just wasn't that important :: Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Yeah I've realized it's only on days that I think of him a lot. It's just heartbreaking to think it's just really over. I expected him to come back, somehow, someway. But I guess I just wasn't that important :: I thought my ex would come back too. For months I thought he would come back. It's normal to think that, but it doesn't mean you are not important. I know it's hard, but try not to judge yourself too harshly right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 It's so hard! It's a constant battle to remind myself that I cannot call or text him. The hardest part is knowing he is completely okay with this. And no I don't buy the whole "this is hard for me too" because you don't purposely hurt yourself by letting go of the one you love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 I just want to talk to him so bad. I think it's harder having the power to reach out to him. It might have been easier if I was the blocked one. I keep trying to remind myself that this is no longer in ny control. I have to just let it go. But it's so hard for me Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Who knows how long its really been. I want to say two months now, and about a full month of complete NC (except for the phone call at work) And I almost cried the other morning and found that I couldn't cry anymore. He just keeps feeling further and further away from me. It all seems like a dream. Its so strange to think about. I doubt he will come back- ever. But it still saddens me to say I miss him a lot... I think. Here's to making strides forward, and looking but not staring into the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 8, 2014 Author Share Posted August 8, 2014 His sister just got back from a trip out of the country and she asked me to come by because she had gotten me a few things. I hesitated once I was on the road of her house because it was his house before he moved. Seeing pictures of him everywhere, his family, everything, deep down it hurt. When she and I talked I told her of how I kept my promise of not talking to him and how he had called me at work (for food), she asked me if I had thought of going to his graduation. He is getting sworn in as an officer. I told her when we were together I did but now I would not go and she said that he texted her asking if I was going and she asked him why he didn't just ask me himself and then he said that he hadn't talked to me in a long time and that him inviting me would probably just make me mad because we are supposed to be moving on for good and that seeing him would in the end just make me sad again. I began to cry in front of her, Everything just hurt me. Its so much better for me to know nothing of him... It just killed me. Just hearing from him, even indirectly. I felt happy when she first brought it up and then his proceeding statements hurt me all over again. I felt myself so sad because these were things that we were supposed to experience together and that was SUPPOSED to be me there. I was supposed to be with him at that time, and he is supposed to be with me when I need him. And its just still all so over. Its so real, and its still killing me. The other day I came back from the gym and I just started to cry, I was just so sad and I questioned myself and asked how long would I be so sad and how long would it be before I was truly happy again. How long will I be in this terrible pain, while he lives his life without worry of me. :( Link to post Share on other sites
hockeydan Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 I went through something similar. My ex was graduating from a military program and I had just purchased a new suit. I was really excited to get all dressed up and celebrate her big day together. A week before the event she dumped me, I never got to celebrate this day with her and it really tore me up, but I am glad I wasn't there after we had broken up. It just would have made an otherwise special day, really crappy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Share Posted August 9, 2014 I went through something similar. My ex was graduating from a military program and I had just purchased a new suit. I was really excited to get all dressed up and celebrate her big day together. A week before the event she dumped me, I never got to celebrate this day with her and it really tore me up, but I am glad I wasn't there after we had broken up. It just would have made an otherwise special day, really crappy. Did she still want you to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Share Posted August 9, 2014 Still here guys, just taking it day by day, or night by night (those seem harder) I have had a few urges to text him but I didn't. And its paid off, I know that nothing good could come of me contacting him and so I didn't. I've learned my lesson. I am actually feeling better today, I've had some low points this week and this might just be my high point. I feel okay. I'm not sad, I had a good day at work. I have friends that care about me, my family is healthy.. there is a lot more to be thankful for than there is to be sad about. Here's to hoping this attitude sticks and I start feeling better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
hockeydan Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 We talked about it and I offered even (because I was heartbroken and desperate for anything from her) but we decided not to. I can only imagine the awkward conversations that would have gone down that night... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 13, 2014 Author Share Posted August 13, 2014 We talked about it and I offered even (because I was heartbroken and desperate for anything from her) but we decided not to. I can only imagine the awkward conversations that would have gone down that night... Yeah I understand, and yeah that would have been pretty awkward... I think he is waiting for me to just show up, or to call him to talk about it. But I don't feel the need to. He wanted me out of his life, he said that way it would be easier for us both to move on... I'm 100% it wouldn't ruin his day because I'm not there and I don't want to make it any less special or complicate it all by going... I have been thinking about him a lot and last week was almost non stop crying and then I looked into my phone, and found "blocked messages" in my voicemail, I have an iPhone, and there was his number... I opened it and it was just background music. He was probably in the car on his way here (it was last weekend) and probably didn't know he had called. I don't know. I wanted to talk to him, but I knew it wasn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Okay so it's been a little over two months post BU and almost a month since he last talked to me. When does it get easier... I can't even cry anymore but it still hurts like hell. I'm contemplating calling or sending an email. Text maybe? Congratulating him for graduating the academy... But I know that I shouldn't :l Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Didn't go to his ceremony. Didn't congratulate him... Don't feel better but I don't feel worse. Still having a hard time accepting it's really over. And that he's still happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovebug_5858 Posted August 25, 2014 Author Share Posted August 25, 2014 I kept it together and stayed away from him and away from communicating. He sent me two emails asking to talk to me but I haven't replied... They don't seem promising and I can't afford another setback and further heartbreak. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts