Being realistic after a BU [updates]

[ladyunicorn11]

Hi Lovebug,

I've read through this thread and my heart goes out to you! I'm touched by everything you've been going through. I know how hard NC is. I myself am trying to stick to it. It's the third time my ex and I break up in 9 months. I miss him like crazy. I know how hard it is to resist the temptation regarding breadcrumbs... I've given in too often myself. I'm was at 2 weeks NC but had to get in touch for some legal documents. And we'll be seeing each other at a work function tomorrow, but after that I intend on going back to full NC.

 

Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing in not responding. He doesn't sound like he's into it enough. He seems to just be checking in, seeing if you're still into him. Exes can be so weird that way. I don't know if it's an ego thing or what. Just when we start to feel okay, they come around trying to get our attention. It's hard to not read into things. I think it's great that you've been writing here for support and I hope you keep doing so. It's giving me courage to re-establish NC and to stick to it.

 

I've noticed that you seem to have a set-back every time you see your ex's family. I understand that you want to stay close to them, but maybe you should consider taking a little break from them, while you heal? I know I would find it torturous to hang out with my ex's family... I would constantly be hoping to hear how he's doing, etc...

 

I wish you the best Lovebug! You are strong!! Keep at it!

[ladyunicorn11]

Oh yeah, and to answer your question...

 

I think you have to follow your gut on this one.

 

If he really needs to talk to you, he knows where you live, he'll get in touch. A man who wants you back will go the distance to let you know it, I believe. His emails sound vague, sounds like he misses you and wants to hang out but probably nothing more than that. Is it really worth undoing all of your progress? Not in my opinion.

 

Good luck and please let us know how you are!

[BC1980]

I woundn't respond to the emails. I would bet a lot that he simply wants to talk and catch up as friends. The emails are probably feelers that he is sending out to see if you are on the same page as him.

[lovebug_5858]

Ladyunicorn-thanks for reading over my thread and replying. Yeah I do get setback when I see his family... It's hard not to but I do really care for them and it's hard, especially when they want to see me and hear from me but I have distanced myself a little...

I still haven't replied to his messages because they're just so vague. In the first one is it says "hopefully I'll hear back from you" and in the next one it says " I want to talk to you please give me a call whenever you can please"

But... I just don't see enough there. He sent those on Sunday 5 hours apart and hasn't done anything since.

There was nothing romantic in them... Just nothing.

 

BSC- I'm afraid to reply for that reason as well. Sine there isn't anything romantically implied then maybe he is just ready to be friends. which I'm not ready for nor want. I think I deserve a lot more than what he's giving me. But I am struggling not to reply

[BC1980]

Ladyunicorn-thanks for reading over my thread and replying. Yeah I do get setback when I see his family... It's hard not to but I do really care for them and it's hard, especially when they want to see me and hear from me but I have distanced myself a little...

I still haven't replied to his messages because they're just so vague. In the first one is it says "hopefully I'll hear back from you" and in the next one it says " I want to talk to you please give me a call whenever you can please"

But... I just don't see enough there. He sent those on Sunday 5 hours apart and hasn't done anything since.

There was nothing romantic in them... Just nothing.

 

BSC- I'm afraid to reply for that reason as well. Sine there isn't anything romantically implied then maybe he is just ready to be friends. which I'm not ready for nor want. I think I deserve a lot more than what he's giving me. But I am struggling not to reply

 

There is nothing in those messages that suggests he wants to get back together. Contrary to what we want to believe, people are usually transparent about their intentions if they want something. Those messages are kind of lazy if his intentions are to be more than friends. A lot of dumpers, based on a past with you, feel they have some sort of right to float in and out of your life with minimal effort after the breakup. Most dumpers to want to stay on good terms. . . . but on THEIR terms. The dumper wants to define what being friends means in a way that protects them and also keeps you at a distance. Usually, the dumpee's definition of being friends doesn't dovetail too well with the dumper's. You don't have to buy into any of that, and your self-respect will be much greater if you have no contact with him.

[lovebug_5858]

Hey guys, I know I've been gone for some time. I few things have happened since then. He persisted in seeing me and so I did, we had a long talk and wère back together now!

Kidding. He did persist. I resisted, but eventually fell into it. I saw him and we ended up kissing, I felt so much and I was so happy to kiss him. It felt magical. We spent the following day together and then he left the next day. We talked about why things ended and how we needed space from eachother. I was happy to feel like he was human again and not this terrible being... But we also agreed that we weren't ready to date again or attempt to make it work. Which I felt okay with.

I called him the next day and I told him how it felt weird to block him on my phone again and then he said some things along the line of "I don't want to stop looking around just because we start talking again" and then more stuff like "I don't want you to not talk to someone you meet because of me" ...

It made me feel pretty terrible. He went on to say how he could not see himself happy with me..

I just really wanted to say then leave me alone for good and stop coming back.

I've realized he won't change. No matter how much time goes by. I make it so damn easy for him to come and go from my life, he will never value me.

Indeed, it broke my heart. And i find myself thinking the way I did when we first broke up. How could he do this to me. But worse.

It's my own fault for being optimistic. For seeing things when they aren't there. I shouldn't have fallen back in but now that I did, I know that he won't change. And it's time to forget the thought of "seeing the light".

I know you guys will be frustrated reading this bc I know I've probably said it before. I'm frustrated too. I'm hurt, upset, sad, etc. all over again.

And I'm probably the dumbest person on this forum at this point.

I'm sorry if many of you have looked to me for inspiration, but I'm only human. And I've loved so hard that it has backfired. I will continue to post on my progress but right now I just feel weak, and stupid.

I can't fall again, because no matter how much I feel like I need him, what I don't need is to feel this. Yet. Again.

[BC1980]

You're right, he doesn't value you. Now is the time to value yourself. You know what to do. Block him for good. We've all made mistakes. I met with my ex after our breakup because he asked me to lunch. He ended up giving me a box with a bunch of my stuff at the end. Then he said, "keep in touch," and got in the car to drive away. Talk about mortified. It still stings to think about it. Pick yourself up from this, and don't fall for his tricks again.

[Missy0724]

Yes, some of us have made mistakes...two steps forward, one back. It's ok, but after some time, it's time to let it go. So so hard! We've all been there! Hopefully each time we get sucked in, and go backwards, feel the sting again, we will learn! Have some self respect! It's hard, bc we care about this person. So difficult to just stop caring. I read someone said, have to think of them as dead. It's dead. All of it. Bury it, leave it behind where it belongs.

 

And maybe someday when the romantic feelings, the hurt has gone away, replaced with apathy, maybe if both people want it, there can be some kind of acquaintances, friends. But can't do that right away...takes LONG time. And who knows, maybe by then we won't want that! We'll be happy where we are, new friendships, new relationships... Just as it should be! This is how it goes...life goes on. It always does...and time is our best friend!

[lovebug_5858]

You're right, he doesn't value you. Now is the time to value yourself. You know what to do. Block him for good. We've all made mistakes. I met with my ex after our breakup because he asked me to lunch. He ended up giving me a box with a bunch of my stuff at the end. Then he said, "keep in touch," and got in the car to drive away. Talk about mortified. It still stings to think about it. Pick yourself up from this, and don't fall for his tricks again.

I completely feel your pain on this.

You just feel your heart sink... it stinks.

[BC1980]

I completely feel your pain on this.

You just feel your heart sink... it stinks.

 

It's that moment when you realize someone you shared everything with is now an acquaintance. I just remember him telling me, "keep in touch," like it was the most nonchalant and easiest thing in the world. Then, he was back to his daily life, going home to meet his son getting off the school bus. I just kept thinking how I used to be a part of that life, and it was so surreal to watch him drive away without me. I remember it like it was yesterday, and it was almost a year ago.

[lovebug_5858]

Hey guys,

I know I haven't been on here for a while... I just needed time away from it all.

The last time I saw him was Sep 1st and talked to him last on Sep 2nd

Sept 29th I began my life changing trip to my birth country and since then I haven't cried over him. I think of him every so often and sometimes I'm reminded of him and think "wow, I haven't even been thinking of you"

So its been, just about 2 months since we've talked. The last thing I said to him was somewhere along the lines of "I look forward to whatever life brings us" I couldn't and would not try to sound any more pleading or even hint to being sad over us. I know he knew it anyway though.

I thought maybe he would get back to me after my trip maybe to see how it went but he hasn't which is better because I've always said that if he cared at all about me, he would let me be and forget him which I think he is finally doing.

I've thought that he has probably met someone else, which doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. Thinking of him doesn't really make me sad anymore and we seem more like strangers than ever. It's been easier to forget everything I once loved about him, but I do remember some things.

All in all, Its been 5 months, with maybe 5 days of contact total in that time and I think I'm just now really getting used to it and can say that I accept its over.

And that finally it doesn't hurt the way it used to.

It sucks that its getting cold now, because we met in the winter and the weather and holidays really get me nostalgic. But really its been over a year and half since he really left me so I guess there is nothing for me to miss in its entirety...

 

I got accepted into the nursing program, and I am super happy to begin this new chapter of my life. I am not looking for love, or a boyfriend. I am just not ready. I am focused on school and even though the prospect of forgetting him faster is appealing, I know that that's not how it works.

He will forever have some part of me, and that's okay, because its a part I'm leaving behind.

I wish you guys all the best, and if I've learned anything from my journey is that we are truly a surviving species. Trust me, you will get tired of crying, begging, falling, and missing that someone. I can't say someone better will come along, but I can say that you will discover who you truly are and how strong that person is. Value yourself and know that you deserve more.

I will post again some other time, when I have a new update or just to check in.

Stay strong!

[lovebug_5858]

So he came back, I'll put up the details in a bit as my computer is dying. Is anyone still reading this or am I just writing it to read it myself lol.

[Lostdreams]

Lovebug yes I'm reading and it's great news about the nursing program

 

Please look out for yourself - if this guy has taught you something it must be that ...... I look forward to reading the rest lol

[lovebug_5858]

Nice to see someone here Lostdreams!

Well yeah he did come back. Monday morning I got a voicemail asking me to calm him back and that he'd really like to see me. I didn't acknowledge it. Monday night he was knocking on my door. I came out and asked him what he was doing there and he just said " I don't know.. I thought it'd be nice to see you. To catch up" I told him that if I hadn't reached out to him, it probably meant I didn't care to see him or catch up. It really irritated me And I told him not to bother me again and that I was done with him. He is still blocked from my phone but his voicemails get through still...

I told him I was done with him and that I didn't want to see him. He left and said he wouldn't bother me again.

7 PM the next day, I get a voicemail "please call me I really want to talk" next day: you're my world. I miss you. I'm sorry

"I just want you to be my girlfriend...

[Lostdreams]

Ok Lovebug - You told him I'm done with you - well done

 

I think you have come so far since the break up. Think of your feelings after your September trip - you didn't even think of him anymore - focus on that feeling.

 

You are deserving of love, you have a great career lined up, I believe you can do way better than this guy - The question is are you ready to accept your freedom ?

 

What are you feeling right now ?

[jbentley87]

That's great! Is there a part of you that wants him to be your boyfriend still? Or have those feelings become null with the struggles he put you through?

[lovebug_5858]

Lostdreams-

I do like having my freedom. I do and go as I please with no one to demand an explanation for anything.

Thank you for your support, and I am very excited to pursue and begin my career.

I am not sure what I am feeling as of now. I have always hoped he'd come back one day, deep down inside. But I also thought I'd be accepting, and I don't seem to be.

When I last saw him, I didn't feel what I once felt for it.

Before, I had no problem with doing everything and anything for this guy with hopes on nothing but love in return. And now... that's gone. I don't want to muddle my life with him, with a long distance relationship, with fixing the mess of a relationship we once had.

It just seems too late. Even if I wanted to have feelings for him... I don't think I can anymore after how he's treated me.

He doesn't deserve me and even when I think of our great times together, I don't feel a sense of needing and wanting for him the way I once did.

I put a lot of thought into what he's said but I just can't find it in me.

I miss his family, I miss our connection... it's hard to find that elsewhere, you know?

He knows how I like to be kissed, he knows how to touch me, and we share the utmost funniest insider jokes and we have our own way of knowing eachother and speaking to one another...

But I don't miss it as much as I once did.

As great as it could be reconciling... it could also be detrimental and I just don't have it in me to want to find out.

[lovebug_5858]

That's great! Is there a part of you that wants him to be your boyfriend still? Or have those feelings become null with the struggles he put you through?

 

I don't have any feelings of wanting him to be my boyfriend. It's kind of hard to explain... but as much as I love relationships, and having that one person there for you, the intimacy and that x factor that comes with a long term relationship, I don't see that with him anymore.

It was just too much.

[Lostdreams]

Dear Lovebug

 

you are going to be absolutely fine - I am so proud of you

 

Here's a quick, true story maybe you can relate to

 

When I was a teenager I loved a certain chocolate bar - at 19 I moved to France and couldn't buy my treat anymore - The first thing I did when I got back to England 2 years later was to run to the first shop and buy my favorite chocolate treat to end this "fasting"

 

I ripped it open and took a huge bite .................... well what a disappointment that was ......... it didn't taste like I remembered it - it definitely wasn't as good as in my memory ........... my taste had changed and guess what - I couldn't even finish it and I never bought it again.

 

It seems that this guy has become just like my chocolate treat ....... you have already walked away from this and later you will find a guy who deserves you.

 

There's absolutely no rush - just keep enjoying your life and building your career

[lovebug_5858]

Thank you for your story and advice lost dreams, I agree completely. Even Just seeing him I had that feeling... Kind of like "this is it?" Like wondering why I had been so hurt over this one person for so long. I did give him somewhat a benefit of a doubt and somewhat opened up my heart to him but I walked away just as easy upon the first sign of immaturity. I have discovered that I have gotten so far without him. And I can keep going. I deserve a lot, and much more than what him or better yet, what my memories with him offer. I hope that we can all realize that it's not always a fairy tale ending and that we have more to look forward to, beyond the frogs we kiss in hopes of finding a Prince Charming.

[Lostdreams]

Well done lovebug -

 

I'm nearly five months post break-up now ..... I even had to think about that .... whereas before I knew exactly that it was "day 23".

 

So yes you're right, we can keep going and we do absolutely deserve better.

 

I know now that I didn't find the one who deserves me yet ....... and I'm not holding my breathe till that happens. I continue life by being as active or as lazy as I want to be. Reading, sport, checking up on friends and basically doing all the stuff you tend to put on standby, or try to squeeze in, when you're in a relationship.

 

Somehow throughout all this I've got my life back ..... don't get me wrong - I'm not done with love and eventually I really do want a partner and soul mate.

 

Right now I find happiness that every waking day belongs to me and is no longer driven by an all consuming heartache. The deep suffering and pain I felt is becoming cobwebbed and distant - I didn't think it was possible, heck I can even go a few days without visiting this place now.

 

Time is a healer yes - but the most important thing is having the will to want to heal - it's obvious that you've got it nailed, take care of yourself