My GF won't communicate with me when she's mad

[antineutrino]

Yesterday, we were going back home (her place). I teased her about something and she jokingly slapped me. I've always hated when she does that since I feel it's demeaning, especially in public. I admittedly haven't told her that, though. I got a little mad and withheld affection (she tried to kiss me after). I know I shouldn't have done that, but I got over it and tried talking to her again.

 

She decided to ignore me completely the rest of the day. She wouldn't even acknowledge me when I asked her if we could please talk. I apologized for withholding affection, and said that I wanted her to help me understand what I did wrong so I don't do it again.

 

This morning, she was still ignoring me. I asked her again if we could speak. I admittedly started crying a lot because I felt so hurt that she wouldn't even say a single thing in response to me. She mentioned something about me not doing what I said I would, but that was incredibly cryptic. I asked her if she could explain it so I could think about it during the day. She just ignored me. I asked her if we could speak tonight, she said she wasn't sure.

 

On the way to work, I told her I loved her. She didn't say anything back, but just kissed me on the nose/mouth.

 

Maybe she's also mad at me since I'm not able to figure out why she was mad in the first place? I don't know....

 

What can I do to get her to talk to me? I feel like this is so unfair of her.

 

Edit: Everything was going perfectly fine before this happened too. So I don't understand the complete reversal.

Edited June 26, 2014 by antineutrino

[Emilia]

I don't know whether you can ever stop someone giving you the silent treatment like that, I gather some people grow out of it but not everyone does.

 

I see it as an attempt of emotional manipulation (some call it abuse, I don't go that far) and have just dumped someone over it. It feels inredibly disrespectful and I don't stand for it.

[Hopeful30]

That's actually kind of a good thing. She is thinking things through and not talking to you until she's level-headed and calm. That's actually a very mature way to respond, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

Unless of course you would prefer all the drama that comes with yelling and screaming and getting all emotional and upset.

[Emilia]

That's actually kind of a good thing. She is thinking things through and not talking to you until she's level-headed and calm. That's actually a very mature way to respond, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

Unless of course you would prefer all the drama that comes with yelling and screaming and getting all emotional and upset.

I disagree completely. Going silent on someone to keep them guessing is cruel.

 

Saying to someone (which I have done in the past) 'look, give me a few minutes to calm down and we will talk' is how it is supposed to be handled.

 

The silent treatment is shutting someone out purposely to hurt them and to control them. It is designed to unsettle the person so that they stop doing what the passive aggressive person doesn't like.

[antineutrino]

I disagree completely. Going silent on someone to keep them guessing is cruel.

 

Saying to someone (which I have done in the past) 'look, give me a few minutes to calm down and we will talk' is how it is supposed to be handled.

 

The silent treatment is shutting someone out purposely to hurt them and to control them. It is designed to unsettle the person so that they stop doing what the passive aggressive person doesn't like.

 

That's all I wish she'd do at this point - let me know when she's willing to talk, and maybe give me a heads up as to what she's mad about so I can think it over too...

 

I don't even know what she's mad at me for, so the silent treatment hurts even more.

[GemmaUK]

First off, what did you tease her about?

[Emilia]

That's all I wish she'd do at this point - let me know when she's willing to talk, and maybe give me a heads up as to what she's mad about so I can think it over too...

 

I don't even know what she's mad at me for, so the silent treatment hurts even more.

I find it so disrespectful, it makes me 10 times more angry than an outburst.

 

I would talk to her when she has come around. Then if she didn't take my point and kept doing it, I would take it as trying to cause hurt on purpose and dump her.

 

I can only give you my perspective but I really really don't stand for it.

[Gaeta]

Yesterday, we were going back home (her place). I teased her about something and she jokingly slapped me. I've always hated when she does that since I feel it's demeaning, especially in public. I admittedly haven't told her that, though. I got a little mad and withheld affection (she tried to kiss me after). I know I shouldn't have done that, but I got over it and tried talking to her again.

 

This whole issue started because YOU don't communicate either and resort to passive aggressiveness to have your displease come across.

 

She does it but on different scale.

 

You 2 need a conversation on how it's best to resolved your disagreements.

A) You express out-loud what bothers you, as much you as her. B) You give yourself some time-out before speaking if that is what one of you needs.

[marcjb]

Sounds like she is very immature emotionally. What are your ages? Do you know of anything significant that happened to her when she was young that would have effected her emotional growth (abuse)?

[PegNosePete]

I disagree completely. Going silent on someone to keep them guessing is cruel.

Agree, it's cruel, manipulative and immature.

[Zahara]

That's actually kind of a good thing. She is thinking things through and not talking to you until she's level-headed and calm. That's actually a very mature way to respond, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

Unless of course you would prefer all the drama that comes with yelling and screaming and getting all emotional and upset.

 

A mature way to respond would be to tell your partner that you're upset and that you need some time to cool down and think things over. Doing that over a few hours and then revisiting to resolve it is the healthy way to do it.

 

Icing someone out is manipulative and controlling.

[antineutrino]

First off, what did you tease her about?

 

We were taking the train uptown. She said X station was better to transfer at, since we could just walk across the platform and teased me that I should have known. I teased her back and said something along the lines of "oh, who takes this line anyway?!"

 

I thought it was fairly tame...

[Emilia]

This whole issue started because YOU don't communicate either and resort to passive aggressiveness to have your displease come across.

 

She does it but on different scale.

 

You 2 need a conversation on how it's best to resolved your disagreements.

A) You express out-loud what bothers you, as much you as her. B) You give yourself some time-out before speaking if that is what one of you needs.

This is true too and I was going to add it to my previous post.

 

If you don't like something OP, you have to say so. The passive aggressive stuff has to stop. From both of you. Direct and honest communication only otherwise the two of you will fall out and bicker.

[antineutrino]

This whole issue started because YOU don't communicate either and resort to passive aggressiveness to have your displease come across.

 

She does it but on different scale.

 

You 2 need a conversation on how it's best to resolved your disagreements.

A) You express out-loud what bothers you, as much you as her. B) You give yourself some time-out before speaking if that is what one of you needs.

 

You're right. I need to get better at it as well. I was wrong for acting that way and I felt bad about it.

 

I think after we discuss what's bothering her now -- assuming she's ever willing to -- we need to talk about communicating and resolving disagreements.

 

Sounds like she is very immature emotionally. What are your ages? Do you know of anything significant that happened to her when she was young that would have effected her emotional growth (abuse)?

 

Both mid-20s. I'm not aware of anything that happened to her while she was young, although I know her family wasn't always supportive.

[GemmaUK]

We were taking the train uptown. She said X station was better to transfer at, since we could just walk across the platform and teased me that I should have known. I teased her back and said something along the lines of "oh, who takes this line anyway?!"

 

I thought it was fairly tame...

 

Yes, it is tame.

She goes quiet on you pretty often though doesn't she?

 

Slapping you is way out of line.

 

Looking at past posts and this also she is being abusive towards you.

She slapped you and has done in the past too from what you say in yoru first post.

She is ignoring you right now and that is emotional abuse as it makes you feel the need to apologise when she actually did the thing that was most wrong by slapping you.

You withheld affection after that. This could be seen as abuse too but really, not many people are likely to want to be affectionate soon after someone has hit them.

 

I think you should get away from her before this gets any worse.

Her times when she goes aloof on you aren't going to stop. It's a way of control for her and isn't nice at all.

[soccerrprp]

Whoa there!

 

Why in the heck do you, OP, not know why or what may have precipitated this behavior on the part of your gf???

 

Based on your post, YOU started this. YOU withheld affection and she was equally puzzled as to why! YOU admit that she hit YOU in jest and YOU NEVER told her that YOU didn't like that. YOU got angry and now confused as to why she's doing this????? Have you considered that she's confused, hurt that you withheld affection?????

 

I'm not excusing her immaturity in this, but you were and are being immature too. You should come right out and let her know why YOU behaved the way YOU did.

[Emilia]

Whoa there!

 

Why in the heck do you, OP, not know why or what may have precipitated this behavior on the part of your gf???

 

Based on your post, YOU started this. YOU withheld affection and she was equally puzzled as to why! YOU admit that she hit YOU in jest and YOU NEVER told her that YOU didn't like that. YOU got angry and now confused as to why she's doing this????? Have you considered that she's confused, hurt that you withheld affection?????

 

I'm not excusing her immaturity in this, but you were and are being immature too. You should come right out and let her know why YOU behaved the way YOU did.

 

The 'Y's, the 'O's and the 'U's seem to get stuck on caps lock on your keypad soccer hahaha

[antineutrino]

Whoa there!

 

Why in the heck do you, OP, not know why or what may have precipitated this behavior on the part of your gf???

 

Based on your post, YOU started this. YOU withheld affection and she was equally puzzled as to why! YOU admit that she hit YOU in jest and YOU NEVER told her that YOU didn't like that. YOU got angry and now confused as to why she's doing this????? Have you considered that she's confused, hurt that you withheld affection?????

 

I'm not excusing her immaturity in this, but you were and are being immature too. You should come right out and let her know why YOU behaved the way YOU did.

 

I now realize how wrong I was too. So tonight, when I get back (assuming she's still awake, since I'll be late), should I ask if we can talk and immediately go into why I behaved the way I did, and how I need to be better at communicating?

[PegNosePete]

I now realize how wrong I was too. So tonight, when I get back (assuming she's still awake, since I'll be late), should I ask if we can talk and immediately go into why I behaved the way I did, and how I need to be better at communicating?

Yes sounds like a good plan. Except I would say WE need to be better at communicating. Her behaviour was pretty poor as well. If she was pissed at you she should have said why rather than ignoring you for DAYS. Don't be the only one to apologise and promise to try to improve. She has plenty of work to do as well.

[antineutrino]

Yes, it is tame.

She goes quiet on you pretty often though doesn't she?

 

Slapping you is way out of line.

 

Looking at past posts and this also she is being abusive towards you.

She slapped you and has done in the past too from what you say in yoru first post.

She is ignoring you right now and that is emotional abuse as it makes you feel the need to apologise when she actually did the thing that was most wrong by slapping you.

You withheld affection after that. This could be seen as abuse too but really, not many people are likely to want to be affectionate soon after someone has hit them.

 

I think you should get away from her before this gets any worse.

Her times when she goes aloof on you aren't going to stop. It's a way of control for her and isn't nice at all.

 

She does go quiet on my when she gets mad.

 

I realize where I went wrong too. I just hope this is what she's mad about, and not something else. It's hard to tell with her being very cryptic.

 

I love her so much. I feel like this has to be something we can both work on and get better at...

[antineutrino]

Yes sounds like a good plan. Except I would say WE need to be better at communicating. Her behaviour was pretty poor as well. If she was pissed at you she should have said why rather than ignoring you for DAYS. Don't be the only one to apologise and promise to try to improve. She has plenty of work to do as well.

 

Thanks, I will do this. I don't know what I'll do if she still isn't willing to talk. I guess I could try again tomorrow and see if she's ready then...

[Emilia]

She does go quiet on my when she gets mad.

 

I realize where I went wrong too. I just hope this is what she's mad about, and not something else. It's hard to tell with her being very cryptic.

 

I love her so much. I feel like this has to be something we can both work on and get better at...

This is generally not good OP. You don't want to get hooked on someone who 'treats you mean to keep you keen'!

[bubbaganoosh]

She does go quiet on my when she gets mad.

 

I realize where I went wrong too. I just hope this is what she's mad about, and not something else. It's hard to tell with her being very cryptic.

 

I love her so much. I feel like this has to be something we can both work on and get better at...

 

Listen pal, if she goes quiet then let her stay quiet and while she not saying anything, you do the talking and let her know that she has no business slapping you in any way, shape or form.

 

Slapping is a insult and there is now such thing a playful slap in public or private and the sooner you let her know the better off you'll be. Let her know that you don't like it, never did, never will and if you don't do it to her, you expect the same.

 

Then you walk away and let her chew on that for a while.

[Hopeful30]

I disagree completely. Going silent on someone to keep them guessing is cruel.

 

Saying to someone (which I have done in the past) 'look, give me a few minutes to calm down and we will talk' is how it is supposed to be handled.

 

The silent treatment is shutting someone out purposely to hurt them and to control them. It is designed to unsettle the person so that they stop doing what the passive aggressive person doesn't like.

 

But isn't that still better than b*tching someone out and making a huge scene?

[Madman81]

Whoa there!

 

Why in the heck do you, OP, not know why or what may have precipitated this behavior on the part of your gf???

 

Based on your post, YOU started this. YOU withheld affection and she was equally puzzled as to why! YOU admit that she hit YOU in jest and YOU NEVER told her that YOU didn't like that. YOU got angry and now confused as to why she's doing this????? Have you considered that she's confused, hurt that you withheld affection?????

 

I'm not excusing her immaturity in this, but you were and are being immature too. You should come right out and let her know why YOU behaved the way YOU did.

The difference is that he's acknowledged that he's being immature, and tried to communicate with her. She's maintained her cone of silence for something like 24 hours now.

 

Screw it. You've tried to get her to communicate, and she won't. Clearly it's more important to her to feel superior than to actually be an adult and talk to you. Let her be immature all she wants, but let her do it alone. Go do you own thing, spend time with friends, whatever you like. Eventually, she'll probably text you or something. And if she takes issue with your absence when she does, tell her that you had better things to do than try to communicate with somebody who refuses to speak to you. Stand your ground on this. If she starts screaming at you, leave or hang up. If she threatens to leave you, call her bluff.

 

I probably sound a bit strident, but this kind of emotional abuse is uncalled for.