My ex told me she regretted being with me ...

[Alex_Stoner]

People, I know I need to move on, and I'm for sure on my way to it. But that just hurt me so much.

 

I understand that relationships end, other lovers appear, love fades, people are not compatible anymore ... whatever. But she told me those exactly words. That being with me was her biggest mistake in life and if that she could go back in time she would never start our relationship. This was because she told me his 'ex' (now current boyfriend) is/was the love of her life. Actually, I'm almost sure she was playing with both of us at the same time at one point. Now they are living together and really happy (a common friend told me without me asking).

 

How can I recover my self-esteem? I don't give a crap about her anymore but this was the most painful experience of my life, so far. Being so useless to someone, being a mistake and a black hole in someone's life. When I gave her so much and I always tried to make her happy. I feel like a huge **** and it's pretty hard to feel better even if I try with all my strength.

 

I've had some break-ups in the past, but this is something else. I hope I didn't annoy you much with my story and that you could give me some advice.

 

Thank you so much for reading! I admire all of you for being in this forum and helping others.

[d0nnivain]

Because you don't care about the EX any more you need to find a way not to care about the words. they may have been said just to hurt you.

[Elle1975]

She's being mean.. now that she thinks she got the "love of her life" back, she acts like she's "too good for school" if I may use this expression.

 

She really needs to get down her pedestal. She's not all that. I know she's not all that because that's a pretty bad thing to say to you.

 

So .. adopt the "f her" attitude. Don't let something like that take you down.

[sooshi]

That was really cruel of her. I'm sorry you had to be on the receiving end of those words. My ex-fiance told me he was never in love with me and that it was a mistake to be romantically involved with me. So, I understand how hurtful it can be to hear things like that.

 

But don't fall for it any longer. She was mean to say those things. As long as you weren't abusive, and it doesn't seem like you were, then it wasn't a mistake. She is being very cold and arrogant. Loosen the grip these words, because the truth is that they're not true. She might believe it, but that's entirely her issue, and unfortunately, she put it on you. You deserve to be with someone who respects you. She doesn't respect you, and so whatever she says or does is a reflection of that lack of respect, and is not a reflection of who you are.

[ProcessingThisBU]

I know this is going to sound cliche... but don't take it personal. Why? because what she is saying tells all about her, not about you. I mean, reallly, who is going to tell somebody that? someone who is pissed off, or wants to be cruel because of something or idk... but the point is that is HER stuff here talking.

 

Ok let's see... she was seeing both of you at the same time? This is integrity? this is someone mature and with good judgment? No man, you should not give importance to her comments. I know, it's not easy, but is the truth. You cannot put your worth and value as a person on the (subjective and sometimes ****ed up ) opinion of someone else. You put it in yourself, in the confidence you have as the person you are. And I'm sure you're someone amazing.

 

She regretted it? **** her, she is now problem of the other guy. Who knows maybe later she will regret being with him too...

[me85]

Ouch.

 

I'm so very sorry for your hurt.

 

There was absolutely no reason for her to tell you something so hurtful, other than her wanting to hurt you.

 

My ex has said some pretty nasty things to me in the past for sure...all just to hurt me.

 

Sure it bothered me at the time but knowing that he would ever hurt me by saying cruel things to me like how he "wants to be a better boyfriend" (than he was to me) to his new gf and she's "making something of herself" (unlike me)...it really shows me what type of person he is. He is pure meanness.

 

And I loved him with all of my heart for so long and was always good to him.

 

I promise you she very well could have been trying to get a rise out of you.

OR say she really was sincere about it, I know without a doubt if she has any shred of a conscience then one day she will feel bad about telling you something so awful.

[redbaron005]

These words are probably the result of a combination of:

 

(1) Guilt/Shame: She probably feels extra guilty for hurting you, a feeling personified and burried through her words. She needs to affirm to herself that she made the right choice. What better way to do so by pissing you off and using the negative reaction as justification of her decision to leave.

(2) Revenge: You probably did stuff to hurt her emotionally at some point, we all have. This is prob. Subconscious or purposeful revenge for that.

(3) Avoidance: If she hurts you she figures you won't pursue her, because she's in lovvvvveeee. This may be even more pronounced if she was stalked by a guy in the past.

 

Some might also say ego boost, but that's probably more prominent a few months after the BU. Ignore and don't take stalk in anything she says.

[Itspointless]

Sometimes people sell crap like this because they try really hard to believe that lie themselves. She knows that is not the truth, but admitting that to herself makes her decisions much harder to explain. See it for what it is, it tells more on her than on you.

[erklat]

I sad her I wish I never met her. I didn't mean that but I was so fncking

enraged by her behavior that my judgement was blurred.

 

Though I do consider she just needed a justification. The decision to leave was already

made and I just gave her that. That is something I will never forgive mysel.

Edited June 26, 2014 by erklat

[soccerrprp]

She was being cruel at least. It may be so that her relationship with you was a mistake in her eyes as we have no idea how you really treated her during that time. I know people who would make the claim that they were great to their SO after being dumped, but didn't take rocket-science to see that they weren't.

 

In the end, you need to move on. I frankly don't fault her for expressing these things IF TRUE and based on the way you may have hurt her, but if only to hurt you, well, this shows her lack of character and should make it easier to help you move on.

[sooshi]

I know what it's like to have hurtful words thrown in your direction. More words that my ex-fiance told me: that I was one of the most manipulative, inauthentic, and untrustworthy people he has ever known. He also said he'd see me in the next life, except hopefully not.

 

Yes, they hurt deeply. And what's more is that because I had given him so much power over the years, I believed that I WAS manipulative, inauthentic, and untrustworthy. I genuinely believed it, and this belief led to suicidal ideation for several days. I truly, completely, deeply believed that I was all of those things. My self-esteem was completely devoured, and I had to pick myself up from rock bottom. This forum really helped.

 

I'm not any of those mean things he said.

 

Please don't let this girl have anymore power over you. The other responses are really valid - this says more about her than about you.

[Madman81]

It's easy enough to say "forget her, don't let it bother you", but much harder to do. The truth is that words DO hurt, much as we like to think they don't. It makes sense that words can hurt; words can also topple governments and spark revolutions. No reason to think they can't cause pain on an individual level.

 

So, having acknowledged that: I'm sure this sounds a bit trite, but there's truth in it too: "the best revenge is living well."

 

You can't force yourself to be happy by willpower alone, so focus on your life without her. Do fun activities. Spend time with friends. Go on casual dates; use online services if you're too nervous to approach women. Travel to places. Try new things. Take pictures of the stuff you do and post them on Facebook, and keep your profile public.

 

This will serve two purposes:

 

1. If your ex is still curious about your life post-her, she'll look up your Facebook page, see you having the time of your life, and probably feel a bit jealous. Mission accomplished.

 

2. If she never gives you another thought, you'll still have set yourself well on the way to a happy and fulfilling life without her.

 

Either way, you win.

[OK_computer]

My ex told be she couldn't be with me because "I took advantage of her" which was not at all true. But she said it to hurt me and for the longest time it did. In fact she only said it to let it sting for all eternity. And it almost worked! I ended up saying my share if rebuttals and ended the break up by calling her pathetic to which she did not have a proper comeback.

 

Regardless of all this, the statement she made f***** me up soo hard for long, like a year I kept hearing it ringing in my ear. Eventually I came to the realisation. Who cares? Her words have no power over us. Shes just some girl. Just some stupid immature girl whose not worth the paper she uses to wipe her bottom.

[mtnbiker3000]

I mean, reallly, who is going to tell somebody that? someone who is pissed off, or wants to be cruel because of something or idk...

 

I agree. Why would any intelligent, mature person say this, much less really believe it? Either it is designed to hurt you and completely unfounded, or she really believes that and has the maturity level of a third-grader.

 

Tough to do, but I wouldn't put too much stock into that statement. It just doesn't hold water...

[amaysngrace]

If you were really good to her then her saying what she said is a lie.

 

Don't believe a word of what she says. She's a liar.

[edgygirl]

I feel embarrassed of being a woman when I read things like this.

 

She was being mean for whatever reason, just to boost her ego and hurt yours. We are capable of doing that specially when we want to hurt someone.

 

I don't think she'd bother to say it like that if she really meant it.

 

In this case, I feel like it's really not about you, it's about some internal issue she has (need for validation by hurting others, etc.). Please don't take it too personally and don't let it hurt your self esteem. Some women are really b10tchy.

[Hoosfoos]

I know exactly how it feels. My ex after dumping me was pushing for contact a few months later, only to tell me over the phone that she had "one foot out the door for the entire 2 years", which brought a whole new level of hurt to me. I don't understand why women can be such cold hearted beyotches. Like you, I treated my ex very well.

[David87]

It's her loss my friend not yours and if you say you were good to her she will remember tose times eventually when the honeymoon ends with her current boyfriend...Dont take it personal....

[Alex_Stoner]

First of all, thank you so much to all of you for your replies. It was really helpful and amazing to hear your advices, personal experiences ... I can't even imagina that a forum like this one exist, more people should know about it

 

And then, my suspicions were confirmed. I was just 'the other guy' and she still was dating his now boyfriend. So she was all upset with me because his bf got hurt over this. On top of all the **** I had to take from her mouth now comes the sadness of knowing it wasn't even a genuine relationship. But there is always something good in the bad so it will help me move one faster than if it had been a 'normal' relationship.

 

Thanks again, guys.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she said all of those evil things to you to convince herself that she was making the right choice by going back to an Ex. She had to demonize you to justify her reasons of going back to him. That wasn't your fault dude. You didn't ask for that and you didn't need that.

 

 

But, you can take solace in this, our Ex's are our Ex's for a reason. Things might be roses right now for them, but chances are those things that caused their break up is going to creep back into their relationship again. And hopefully, when that happens you can just giggle; shake you head and continue to move on with a fantastic life because of the positive changes you've made for yourself.

 

 

Time to heal and move on. Also, tell your friend not to volunteer anymore information about her. If he/she is really your friend, they'll respect your wishes.