NeverBeTheSame Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Hi All, I'm new to all this so forgive me if it's the same old sob story. Basically me and my husband had been together for 10 years. Within a space of 24 hours I discovered he was cheating on me and was planning to move out. But he was to do it the sneaky way and blame me for being 'too high strung' and not showing him enough physical affection. My perfect world is falling apart. I never in a million years thought he'd do something like this. My floor beneath me has caved in. I don't cry for myself as I think I am ok. I'm just devastated my kids - youngest being only just turned 7 - will be growing up without a father. I will do anything to keep the family getting ripped apart but I don't know what to do! I have no family and I'm utterly ashamed to tell any of my friends. I'm dying from inside. Any kind words will help. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 I'm so so sorry that this has happened to your family and especially on your anniversary. Do you know how long the affair has been going on between them and who she is? Some will tell you to expose, expose, expose. I know you are embarassed by this but your husband is the one who will get all the blame (as should be). Once his family, friends and work mates know it will take the steam out of his affair. It's very exciting for them when they are sneaking around; however when exposed and have to face the consequences not so much. If the other woman is married make sure to contact her husband and let him know. Please come here and vent, ask questions and read around because there are plenty others in your situation. How many kid do you have? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 26, 2014 Author Share Posted June 26, 2014 Thank you so much for the reply. Husband says it's been less than 3 months talking online and 2 weeks of actual meet. I tried to call/ text the 'other' woman. She told me to f*ck off! Exposing him would expose me and right now he doesn't care what the world says but I do. I was proud of my family now I despair. I have 2 children. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 I know it may go against your instincts but I think you need to tell someone about the cheating. You will get a lot of support. It also may deflate the "affair bubble" by exposing it to others. It sounds like your husband is trying to blame you for his decision to cheat. Do NOT accept this. No matter what kinds of problems you had, it was HIS CHOICE and a very poor one at that. I hope you can find support here and among friends and family. This is not a reflection on you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 He's had an online relationship for 3 mos and now he's ready to destroy his marriage? He's in an affair fog. Do you know where the other woman (OW) lives or works? Do you know if she is married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 First off... I'm so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to go through this kind of pain or be treated in this manner. NO ONE and please, do NOT blame yourself for his actions. That is on HIM. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on you and your children. Let him go, give him your blessing and be done with him. When he comes crawling back, tell him to take a hike. Don't bother contacting the OW again at this point. Her immediate reaction tells me that she isn't going to tell you anything you really want or need to hear right now. I seriously doubt that this has only been going on for 3 months. Were there any other red flags? You may go through a stage where you'll feel like you need to know the facts, you may not. Don't let it overwhelm you. It sounds like you reacted pretty much the same way I did. I was very calm at first too. I think it's just shock. It does wear off. Be prepared for that. You will get angry, sad, depressed, try to blame yourself, try to blame the OW, and then ultimately realize that the real issue is HIM. Soon, not right this minute, but very soon you should go and consult with an attorney about getting divorced. Don't delay it and don't even consider taking him back after what he did. He isn't showing any kind of remorse and is behaving as if moving on with her is going to be the answer to all his problems. You need to establish custody arrangements with your children. I made the mistake of not doing this right away and it's dragging things out for me. At any rate, again, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I also hope that you are able to find a support system somewhere to help you deal with this. The one thing that saved me from going completely bonkers was my best friend. I texted with her pretty much night and day about everything I was thinking and feeling. I also wrote on here and blogged about it. You'll need someone to lean on. When you are ready... read some advice books on how to handle breakups and divorce. If you like to read, they do help. These are just some of my thoughts for you. It's a lot to take in and your life will feel like its in turmoil for quite a while but you WILL get through it. Do your best to keep your sanity! Whatever it takes... you don't want to have a breakdown in front of your kids or even with him or her. It won't end well for you. ((((hugs))) We are here for you when you need to vent! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 I can't sleep. It's 4am here in the UK and I'm wide awake. I'm devastated that the kids will grow up with no dad but just a weekend dad. Anyone here in the UK knows any good affordable detective agency? The 'other woman' is as much to blame as my husband. She knew what she's going in for. My kids are my life and I can't function anymore knowing what is coming. Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) I am so sorry this is happening to you... That's awful. Have you looked at the seperation and divorce main thread on here or the infidelity one? I think they will be able to help you tremendously with legal action and protecting your children. Edited June 27, 2014 by April Moon spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Hi All, I'm new to all this so forgive me if it's the same old sob story. Basically me and my husband had been together for 10 years. Within a space of 24 hours I discovered he was cheating on me and was planning to move out. But he was to do it the sneaky way and blame me for being 'too high strung' and not showing him enough physical affection. My perfect world is falling apart. I never in a million years thought he'd do something like this. My floor beneath me has caved in. I don't cry for myself as I think I am ok. I'm just devastated my kids - youngest being only just turned 7 - will be growing up without a father. I will do anything to keep the family getting ripped apart but I don't know what to do! I have no family and I'm utterly ashamed to tell any of my friends. I'm dying from inside. Any kind words will help. Thanks. Have you gone to a lawyer yet ? The one who cares the least has the most power. Right now it's him and the sl*t. You need to care less than him, get information, and get a strategy. You cannot control his staying in the kids life, but if you can get him by the ba*ls, you can force his teary-eyed wh*re face into submission [i hope this mental picture made you smile ]. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 I can't sleep. It's 4am here in the UK and I'm wide awake. I'm devastated that the kids will grow up with no dad but just a weekend dad. Anyone here in the UK knows any good affordable detective agency? The 'other woman' is as much to blame as my husband. She knew what she's going in for. My kids are my life and I can't function anymore knowing what is coming. I'm sorry for what's happening to you. The other woman is no saint, clearly, from her response to you. But it really is your husband who is at fault in the affair. You can't take someone away who doesn't want to leave. She had no commitment to you. He did, and broke it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 I see it a 50/50 fault for both ends. The woman for leeching on a married man and breaking up a family (I hope what comes around will one day go around!) But my husband is 100% responsible for doing what he's doing to our family. All he can probably see is lust right now and hearing all the nice things she has to say to him. To be honest I don't care anymore for either of them and specially not that lying, scumbag, piece of sh*t, cheating husband if mine. I'm just petrified and terrified of the social implications! I can't face telling family and friends - considering we were the golden couple. I'm getting card after card wishing me happy anniversary and I'm going insane by the minute! I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) you need a strategy it is true, too, your true friends will not desert you, just tell one, just one, of his lies and sleaze, no decent friend will desert you, i wouldn't, for example Edited June 27, 2014 by darkmoon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 What strategy should I take? Right now I'd like to ruin both of them. I feel I need revenge. However I'd tread lightly there yet as I don't wish to damage the reputation of my kids dad just yet! However the other biatch is different story. I hear she's very worried her family will find out so do you all think what I'm thinking? I know her profession as well. I guess I could ruin her personally and professionally. But never done any harm to anyone before. I just don't know if I can do it - however the stakes are my family to hers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 What strategy should I take? Right now I'd like to ruin both of them. I feel I need revenge. However I'd tread lightly there yet as I don't wish to damage the reputation of my kids dad just yet! However the other biatch is different story. I hear she's very worried her family will find out so do you all think what I'm thinking? I know her profession as well. I guess I could ruin her personally and professionally. But never done any harm to anyone before. I just don't know if I can do it - however the stakes are my family to hers. I would tell her family what is going on. Is she married or does she have a boyfriend? Tell him asap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 I would want to know if you guys had marital problems, such as the absence of a sex life. If so, did he bring it up to you attention? Did the two of you tried to work on your problems? Is it really too late to work on any problems you might have? After all, there are two kids involved. As for the kids, if you are worried about them having a "Week end dad", there is always shared custody. I don't see how calling her boss, his boss, her family, and so on is going to make anything better. You will look hysterical, at best. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 I don't see how calling her boss, his boss, her family, and so on is going to make anything better. You will look hysterical, at best. Exposure is designed to kill the affair. If someone close to the cheater knows it often destroys the cheater's little fantasy world. I wouldn't necessarily tell people at their jobs unless they work together and even then I would consider what would happen to my spouse... even if we weren't going to stay married, I would want him to pay child support so keeping him employed would be in my kids' best interest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 the strategy of choosing a good lawyer, just for today, and as for messing her up, yeah, but you know, choose your battles with care 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But please, don't do anything out of revenge. You're hurting so much right now, and you're feeling very emotionally... and understandably so. But please don't set out to intentionally harm either of them, despite the hurt you feel. Be assertive, but not vengeful; think of the kids and how they need good role models in their life. Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband chose to do this and this is not a reflection on you. It seems like you know that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 I don't want to get mad I want to get even. I have even begged and grovelled but he seems to enjoy all this attention. I will certainly not tell husband's work - besides it will hardly achieve anything other than amusement at his expense. I just don't know how I'm reacting bring left hanging with children and the socially ignominious position I've been left with. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Exposure is designed to kill the affair. If someone close to the cheater knows it often destroys the cheater's little fantasy world. I wouldn't necessarily tell people at their jobs unless they work together and even then I would consider what would happen to my spouse... even if we weren't going to stay married, I would want him to pay child support so keeping him employed would be in my kids' best interest. No, it's just revenge. This lady has kids. It's bad enough that he left, why add crazy to the list. I would want to know what pushed him to cheat. Is he a pig, or did they have issues that weren't addressed? I often hear "the kids will be better off". Well, he might be a cheater, doesn't make him a bad dad. I would want to know more about the situation. And yes, OP, you should contact a lawyer. That's where you start, not by going hysterical on them or their jobs, that would look bad and he could very well use that against you in court, if it gets to that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 No, it's just revenge. This lady has kids. It's bad enough that he left, why add crazy to the list. I would want to know what pushed him to cheat.Is he a pig, or did they have issues that weren't addressed? I often hear "the kids will be better off". Well, he might be a cheater, doesn't make him a bad dad. I would want to know more about the situation. And yes, OP, you should contact a lawyer. That's where you start, not by going hysterical on them or their jobs, that would look bad and he could very well use that against you in court, if it gets to that point. So...does your answer change based on what "pushed" the OP's husband to cheat? Please. I am not suggesting hysteria or revenge. I am suggesting things that may stop the affair...if that's what OP wants. If so, she might be better off looking at the infidelity boards. I think it goes without saying that she should consult an attorney as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 So...does your answer change based on what "pushed" the OP's husband to cheat? Please. I am not suggesting hysteria or revenge. I am suggesting things that may stop the affair...if that's what OP wants. If so, she might be better off looking at the infidelity boards. I think it goes without saying that she should consult an attorney as well. We're talking marriage here, not a 2 years relationship. Marriage is work. Yes, I believe some people just sit on their butt and then wonder why someone walks out on them. I also believe issues should be communicated, and if he didn't, or she didn't, then maybe it's not too late. If she has done nothing wrong, then he's a pig, and straight to the lawyer they go. However, if the marriage can be salvaged, they should try to work on that, absolutely. Who cares if the affair stops? It's revenge, don't tell me otherwise. That will only push him away from her. Kids are not better off without a dad, or a mom, they should try and work it out. Hopefully, he will decide to reach out to her and apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NeverBeTheSame Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 We're talking marriage here, not a 2 years relationship. Marriage is work. Yes, I believe some people just sit on their butt and then wonder why someone walks out on them. I also believe issues should be communicated, and if he didn't, or she didn't, then maybe it's not too late. If she has done nothing wrong, then he's a pig, and straight to the lawyer they go. However, if the marriage can be salvaged, they should try to work on that, absolutely. Who cares if the affair stops? It's revenge, don't tell me otherwise. That will only push him away from her. Kids are not better off without a dad, or a mom, they should try and work it out. Hopefully, he will decide to reach out to her and apologize. Look I'm not trying to ruin anything though giving them a taste of it has crossed my mind. I'm far more worried, petrified of losing my 'perfect' family, my house and my kids their dad. My youngest kid is autistic and is 7 years old only. How am I supposed to explain him 'daddy has left us'??? My world has imploded and my heart broken. I can't see my kids suffer and for that I'm willing to beg him to return. I'm talking to him like it's all my fault I drove him to an affair. I'm 100% at fault. And if he comes back then I will change. Be subservient, be totally under his rules. And before anymore passes any more judgement on me. YES I AM A COWARD! I was educated, intelligent, lively person. Now I'm just broken. I don't care about myself anymore. I just don't want the children growing up in a broken home. Not sure anyone will understand me or after this post will sympathise with me anymore. So I apologise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Look I'm not trying to ruin anything though giving them a taste of it has crossed my mind. I'm far more worried, petrified of losing my 'perfect' family, my house and my kids their dad. My youngest kid is autistic and is 7 years old only. How am I supposed to explain him 'daddy has left us'??? My world has imploded and my heart broken. I can't see my kids suffer and for that I'm willing to beg him to return. I'm talking to him like it's all my fault I drove him to an affair. I'm 100% at fault. And if he comes back then I will change. Be subservient, be totally under his rules. And before anymore passes any more judgement on me. YES I AM A COWARD! I was educated, intelligent, lively person. Now I'm just broken. I don't care about myself anymore. I just don't want the children growing up in a broken home. Not sure anyone will understand me or after this post will sympathise with me anymore. So I apologise. I am much happier being brought up in a "broken home" than to have seen my mother get less than she deserved. I am glad that she taught me what a strong independent woman looks like (working 3-4 jobs at a time) than to settle and beg for a man who didn't love her. I love my father but I find what he did to be disgusting. I'm glad I was brought up to believe that was no okay and that is not what love look like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 maybe he will think of his family, but not out loud, because men/people do not like to admit they are wrong i know how tough these few days must have been, hopefully with us you feel you can get through this Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts