snarky Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Hello all, I don't post much but I do lurk around here... and I'm trying to understand something going on in the boyfriend and I's life but I'm having trouble... maybe you intelligent, intuitive people (many of whom have done the therapy thing) can explain it to me.... Long story short, we've been together for several years. There were many turbulent times and a few very short "breaks" that he initiated and the last time we got back together I made it very clear that his going to counseling was a non-negotiable condition of us being "Us". He started going to counseling immediately and our lives... the way we deal with eachother in our relationship... have become so much better... he's like a completely different person.... open and caring and willing (and WANTING) to talk about just about anything. While things are *dramatically* different from how they were five months ago, there are still things that he is actively working on with his therapist... and this is where my confusion and frustration comes in.... One of the lingering problems that he is trying to work out is figuring out how he *feels* about things. Its like he's literally *learning* how to do this... He says that because of his home life growing up (parents were alcoholics with a very distant relationship... later went thru a nasty divorce), he never *learned* how to feel things. Its like it never occurred to him that "this should make me feel sad/angry/whatever" ... and I'm having a helluva time understanding how that can be. There are so many times that I ask him "How do you feel about [whatever it is we're talking about]?" and he just gets frustrated and says "I don't know...". Its not like he's keeping things from me, its like he literally DOESN'T know. I dont' understand how this all works... how can you have NO CLUE how you feel about something??? I can understand being confused, but its like... he's just emotionally DEAD to certain things. He's pretty good at feeling good or happy emotions... its negative things... its some sort of defense mechanism that I don't understand..... I've been 100% supportive of him through all of this, and I fully intend to keep it up... I love him and the relationship we have... and I'm SO GRATEFUL that he is taking these steps to have a better life... and SO SO incredibly proud of him for facing his demons.... It *does* get frustrating to me tho... and I want to understand this better both for my sake and his...! Thoughts? Anyone? I'm not quite sure what I'm asking here.... lol Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Think of it this way. You're being pelted by miscellaneous objects and it hurts. There is a metal shield lying beside you, so you pick it up and use it to protect yourself. The objects just keep coming and coming so you keep the shield up constantly. It becomes a neccesity in order to survive. Its the only way you know how to keep yourself protected. His defenses, by separating himself from painful situations, is the only way he knows how to survive. If he left himself open to the pain, he wouldn't have made it. He never learned how to process or "feel" negative emotions. And it's hard now to reverse what you've learned since you were a kid. Does that help better at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author snarky Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 Yeah that makes a lot of sense.... He says his therapist is working with him on this by having him think in certain situations "how would a 'normal' person feel about this?" .... and i know he's been actively doing this.... and that some things ARE becoming clearer... its definitly not second nature tho.... its something he has to think through in his head... and the thoughts of "how a normal person would feel" don't seem to be connected to how he *actually* feels... but I think he's proud of himself for at least *recognizing* what the "expected" feeling would be.... Looking back on the things that have happened in the past with all this, its pretty clear how much this has impacted things that have happened with us. I remember, when we were having all our problems, getting in huge horrible fights... fights that would leave me crying and hurt ....and him with virtually no emotional response... how that made it seem like he didn't care.... he would just sort of SHUT DOWN and nothing I said or did would make it thru these walls he put up..... I remember when I would show emotion around him (I am, admittedly, an emotional girl.... ), how it was like he didn't even know what to do with it...how this sort of thing just seemed foreign to him. I remember, during our 'breaks', feeling devestated and lost.... while he went about his life like nothing had happened. We were talking about that today and he said that he had the thought yesterday that if he DID lose me for some reason he *would* feel devestated and lost by it... and how this was different from how he felt (or didn't "feel") in the past when we had our "breaks"... which I guess IS a step forward.... I remember at the time that all happened thinking that he just DIDN'T CARE about me or us because after two years together, a breakup didn't even bother him... I'm sorry... I'm just venting. It all makes me really sad... and really proud at the same time. Things are sooooooooooo different and SO much better... but at the same time its become very much more clear what the problems are and how they have affected him and us... he says he feels like he is starting to "wake up" from being asleep for a long time... and I'm so happy that he feels that way... and so sad that its been like this for a while..... We're very open in talking about all this and I remember saying to him the other day that I DO feel frustrated sometimes because I *don't* understand it... and he said "I know baby... imagine how frustrating it is for *me*" ... *sniff* Rambling...................... Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 I can understand how you would feel frustrated but don't dwell on what happened in the past and feel sad about it. Move on from it. Focus on the present and the future. I would be happy as hell that he actually is making progress. Go through all the threads here and you'll see that about 98% of the people DON'T get help. They don't make any progress. That's why the heartbreak section of this board is the biggest. Congrats to you and him for working on your relationship. Tuck the sadness away and focus on the great changes happening here. Good for him and great for you! I wish you both the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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